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Old 11-18-2011, 09:08 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,806,096 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishiis49 View Post
Mountains I have no idea what INTJ is but I'm thinking they're are not too receptive to patronizing comments and are more open to concrete examples rather then abstract statements!
Very true!
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Old 11-18-2011, 09:09 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,806,096 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WyoNewk View Post
Maybe he's INTJ too! OP, no offense, but you don't seem interested in his interests, so why is it a surprise that he doesn't like to talk with you about what he's doing?

He could be on here asking about you. "Why is she always wanting to talk to me about what I'm doing, but when I show her, she has no interest?"
Excellent points!
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Old 11-18-2011, 09:11 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,806,096 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by funisart View Post
You are fiddling around with his stuff??? Woah, I'd say back off too if you touched my stuff.

He knows where everything is and likes it that way.. not at all your place unless you are his mother or girlfriend.

Of course he is obsessed with looking good--he is young and "in the market" so to speak. It is the time of his life to be his best. IF you are "OLD" as you say you are, and as I am for sure, you really do not have a lot in common at the moment--

Just enjoy what time, conversation, and attention he has for you. His job now is to go out into the world and make a life.
I know . . .I am out-of-control . . .I am a little obsessive, germaphobic, etc., I like to clean his stuff and do his laundry. It is a sickness!

Thank you for the advice. It is very wise. I hope I can make a shift.
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Old 11-18-2011, 09:23 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,085 posts, read 23,785,579 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
I know . . .I am out-of-control . . .I am a little obsessive, germaphobic, etc., I like to clean his stuff and do his laundry. It is a sickness!

Thank you for the advice. It is very wise. I hope I can make a shift.
Your personality is intense. Purple is an intense color. Has anyone asked you about the choice?
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Old 11-18-2011, 09:24 PM
 
Location: earth?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by virgode View Post
Your personality is intense.
I know. I have been told that all my life.
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Old 11-18-2011, 09:53 PM
 
8,680 posts, read 13,252,848 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
I don't get into details for anonymity's sake. It's not important. We were/are "close". . .

Actually, it is important because it puts things in context. If you are his mother, try to understand that he is no longer a boy. He is a man who can vote, get married, and go off and fight a war for you. A young man, and still a teenager in many ways, but an adult nonetheless.

If you are his grandmother, that goes double.

If you are his aunt or his cousin, it would be a strange planet indeed where you would "like doing his laundry."

Regardless, you need to stop doing that, too. You have no business handling an 18-year-old male relative's underwear and jock straps now.

This sounds matter-of-fact, but if you're an INTJ, as I am, you should be able to take my words for what they are: observations. He's his own person, and if you mope about or pressure him for more contact, you risk alienating him. Reverse the situation: What if you wanted some space and someone kept getting up in your face wanting to fiddle about in your things? An INTJ would have no patience for that.

Just back off and let him be. If you were close once and he is essentially a good person, he will come around. You might not ever have that closeness that you once had--and honestly, you shouldn't, because that was an adult-child relationship and he is no longer a child--but you may find that a better relationship takes its place: One with a man who cherishes his family.

Give him space and don't nag him, is what I'm saying here.
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Old 11-18-2011, 09:58 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,806,096 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yzette View Post
Actually, it is important because it puts things in context. If you are his mother, try to understand that he is no longer a boy. He is a man who can vote, get married, and go off and fight a war for you. A young man, and still a teenager in many ways, but an adult nonetheless.

If you are his grandmother, that goes double.

If you are his aunt or his cousin, it would be a strange planet indeed where you would "like doing his laundry."

Regardless, you need to stop doing that, too. You have no business handling an 18-year-old male relative's underwear and jock straps now.

This sounds matter-of-fact, but if you're an INTJ, as I am, you should be able to take my words for what they are: observations. He's his own person, and if you mope about or pressure him for more contact, you risk alienating him.

Just back off and let him be. If you were close once and he is essentially a good person, he will come around. You might not ever have that closeness that you once had--and honestly, you shouldn't, because that was an adult-child relationship and he is no longer a child--but you may find that a better relationship takes its place: One with a man who cherishes his family.

Give him space and don't nag him, is what I'm saying here.
Yep. It's just hard to lose someone . . .there is grief . . .and society does not provide any context . . .speaking of context . . .

I have a fantasy in my head of the way families "should be." Hopefully, I will get over it.
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Old 11-18-2011, 10:42 PM
 
Location: Rockwall
678 posts, read 1,293,973 times
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Good grief, imcurious, you're not losing him. You rejected him when he asked you to watch him 'lift.' You chose instead to go through his stuff. Come on!

He wants to 'look good' and you view this as shallow and narcissistic. I do hope you have kept that opinion to yourself. You do realize that as an ESFP this is in his nature, right??

I am an ESFP married to an INTJ. He can turn a conversation into an inquisition in an instant. Are you doing this with your relative? ESFP's don't enjoy that. It sucks all the oxygen from the room and drains our energy. We avoid that at all costs. We will excuse ourselves from the tribunal and do something we enjoy.
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Old 11-18-2011, 11:00 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,806,096 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonfly8 View Post
Good grief, imcurious, you're not losing him. You rejected him when he asked you to watch him 'lift.' You chose instead to go through his stuff. Come on!

He wants to 'look good' and you view this as shallow and narcissistic. I do hope you have kept that opinion to yourself. You do realize that as an ESFP this is in his nature, right??

I am an ESFP married to an INTJ. He can turn a conversation into an inquisition in an instant. Are you doing this with your relative? ESFP's don't enjoy that. It sucks all the oxygen from the room and drains our energy. We avoid that at all costs. We will excuse ourselves from the tribunal and do something we enjoy.

I think he is an ESFJ . . .but I take your point. It is just a different way of being in the world. I am sure your husband would have something equally negative to say about his experience of you . . .in the end, we are all different and it is really hard for everyone to be "heard" and get their various needs met.

I am not interested in "lifting." I "get" that he is and it is a big deal for him, but I really can't get excited about it. He is an athlete and I do like his sport and can get excited about that.

I do have boundary issues for various reasons and am working on that.

I am the type of person that notices a lot of detail and things in the environment and I am constantly aware of things to take care of, clean, or fix . . . other people don't see the stuff so it makes it even worse for me . . .

I think any type of relationship "should" be reciprocal, if not in deed, then in nature . . . just goodwill . . .
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Old 11-18-2011, 11:13 PM
 
Location: Rockwall
678 posts, read 1,293,973 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
I think he is an ESFJ . . .but I take your point. It is just a different way of being in the world. I am sure your husband would have something equally negative to say about his experience of you . . .in the end, we are all different and it is really hard for everyone to be "heard" and get their various needs met.

I am not interested in "lifting." I "get" that he is and it is a big deal for him, but I really can't get excited about it. He is an athlete and I do like his sport and can get excited about that.

I do have boundary issues for various reasons and am working on that.

I am the type of person that notices a lot of detail and things in the environment and I am constantly aware of things to take care of, clean, or fix . . . other people don't see the stuff so it makes it even worse for me . . .

I think any type of relationship "should" be reciprocal, if not in deed, then in nature . . . just goodwill . . .
Ok, and my husband actually has a volume of negative things to say about his experience with me. It's his nature to be critical. Which is sometimes a good thing. I wouldn't have thought it a good thing at 18 years old.

As to the last sentence, he's 18 years old. Hopefully as he matures he'll gain the wisdom he needs to meet your emotional needs.
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