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Old 11-18-2011, 06:42 PM
 
Location: earth?
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One of my dearest relatives is a man/boy of 18 . . . He and I were always very close . . .but now he tells me he doesn't like talking to me, he thinks I am too "probing" with my questions about his life (like "How's work going?") . . .I am a very nurturing type of person and he does not want that anymore . . .(I like to do his laundry, for instance) . . .

I can understand some of this as being normal boundary issues and growing up and wanting/needing to separate from females or family (not sure about the actual dynamics of what needs to happen). I know some personalities are far less bristly than he is . . . he and I have power struggles, but he knows I love him very much.

The question is about what is "normal" and "healthy," and what to take personally and what to shrug off . . .I get my feelings hurt easily and when he says, "I don't like to talk to YOU," it hurts my feelings . . .

Of course I want to stay close to him . . . and he wants to separate . . .is it a personality difference thing (some people are more compatible than others), a developmental thing, other?

Just curious to hear from young men about how they feel about their female relatives that they once loved . . . and from moms of adult men . . . did you ever feel your son or relative was rejecting you and then later developed a good relationship with him, or did he just go off and ditch you and never look back?

Last edited by imcurious; 11-18-2011 at 07:09 PM..
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:01 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
16,085 posts, read 23,913,770 times
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Good Lord, a big No-No.

They view any questions as invasion of privacy. I quess they're trying to set their boundaries. I wouldn't take it personally, its the age.
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:08 PM
 
Location: earth?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by virgode View Post
Good Lord, a big No-No.

They view any questions as invasion of privacy. I quess they're trying to set their boundaries. I wouldn't take it personally, its the age.
Well, how do you know this? It is simply foreign to me. He does say he hates my "probing," but to me it is just talking . . . and he says he doesn't like to talk, and he specifically doesn't like to talk to me . . .FYI, I think I am the closest relative to him so it confuses me and hurts my feelings. How could it not hurt your feelings when someone you love says those kinds of things to you? I don't understand why that is not supposed to hurt.
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:12 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,588,589 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
One of my dearest relatives is a man/boy of 18 . . . He and I were always very close . . .but now he tells me he doesn't like talking to me, he thinks I am too "probing" with my questions about his life (like "How's work going?") . . .I am a very nurturing type of person and he does not want that anymore . . .(I like to do his laundry, for instance) . . .

I can understand some of this as being normal boundary issues and growing up and wanting/needing to separate from females or family (not sure about the actual dynamics of what needs to happen). I know some personalities are far less bristly than he is . . . he and I have power struggles, but he knows I love him very much.

The question is about what is "normal" and "healthy," and what to take personally and what to shrug off . . .I get my feelings hurt easily and when he says, "I don't like to talk to YOU," it hurts my feelings . . .

Of course I want to stay close to him . . . and he wants to separate . . .is it a personality difference thing (some people are more compatible than others), a developmental thing, other?

Just curious to hear from young men about how they feel about their female relatives that they once loved . . . and from moms of adult men . . . did you ever feel your son or relative was rejecting you and then later developed a good relationship with him, or did he just go off and ditch you and never look back?
As a mature adult you simply cannot take this kind of thing personally.

He felt you were too "in his business" and wants his privacy - very normal at his age.

When you spend time around him don't ask a single question - simply talk about yourself or other things of general interest
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:12 PM
 
Location: Rockwall
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I've seen this happen when the man/child has something going on that he wants to keep private. Something they shouldn't be doing- drinking, drug use, associating with someone viewed as undesirable.....
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:14 PM
 
Location: southern california
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lots of good description of the interaction but exactly what does relative mean? 3rd cousin?
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:15 PM
 
Location: California
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I am naturally probing and ask all the young men who come into my home questions they probably don't like answering. Tough. However, my own son (21) who used to be very open when he was younger has really clamed up the last few years. I let it go for the most part and look for other ways to get the info I need witout the 20 questions type of conversation. I have to make it seem like he is the one offering up the info so I talk about myself or topical things. It's a game..lol
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:22 PM
 
Location: tampa bay
6,588 posts, read 6,830,968 times
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I have a son 24 and a daughter 17...since you asked about boys/men I will tell you that my son started to separate himself from me at about 14!!So in some ways consider yourself lucky that you had 4 more years of closeness than I did!! I remember a dear friend of mine who had a son two years older than mine gave me the best advice...which is Do Not Take It Personally!!It is all part of the normal coming of age for a boy/man!They have the need to move away from the protection of their "Mom" and stand on there own.Sometimes it hurts but as parent you have to keep the bigger picture in mind...which is you want your child to become an independent well adjusted productive human being!
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:26 PM
 
Location: earth?
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Interesting. How/Where are you supposed to learn this? For years you are close as can be, then all of a sudden the closeness is unwanted on their side . . .I wish that there were instructions that came with kids . . . it is so counter-intuitive to me. I am the type of person who likes to bond with people and once I have bonded, I like to nurture those relationships.

I know nothing about the "man code," or the secret society of men. I know some grown men are very amiable and can hold conversations with women and others, not so much. I always thought this was due to different personality styles,. I didn't know that women are seen as "the enemy," and that you have to separate from them to "become a man."

In tribal cultures, boys go off and hunt, fight, explore, wrestle tigers, or whatever they do . . .and the moms are back in the tent weeping . . .it all seems so "uncivilized." I want it to be that you nurture someone, you love them, they love you back and appreciate you and can actually hold a conversation with you without getting all paranoid and defensive . . .if it is "normal" for boys to reject their female relatives, then why does it not feel good to the female relative? It just sucks.
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Old 11-18-2011, 07:29 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,866,583 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
As a mature adult you simply cannot take this kind of thing personally.

He felt you were too "in his business" and wants his privacy - very normal at his age.

When you spend time around him don't ask a single question - simply talk about yourself or other things of general interest
Who said I was a "mature adult?"
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