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Old 11-29-2011, 12:31 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
44,326 posts, read 54,810,346 times
Reputation: 37068
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
Perhaps. But what about the damage such a revelation causes to others? It's one of those situations where one can be perfectly right and wrong at the same time.
It is my personal belief that each and every one of us is responsible for our own actions/reactions to the blows that life may deal us.

If grown up people can't handle learning that their father wasn't perfect, was in fact a flawed man with a past, that is not our OP's fault or responsibility.

It is not our OP's job to protect dear old dad and keep his secrets, especially at great cost to himself/herself. They can CHOOSE to do that if they want, but no one should insist that they have to.
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Old 11-29-2011, 12:49 PM
 
416 posts, read 358,305 times
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if you REALLY want to do this, then contact your father and and get his opinion. he knows better than you do the damage this could cause. it really is HIS decision to make, you have no right to harm his family even if your intentions are good.

my wife has a cousin that was illegitmate. his dad kept him hidden from his wife and kids back home for decades. it was not until a few years ago that the local family learned of him and it caused all sorts of problems. one half sibling semi-accepted him, at least enough to be civil, the other nearly disowned their father over it. the rift has never closed and when their dad died they all nearly came to blows several times.

you are not responsible for anything your parents did, but human nature is human nature and many folks will hold it against you. tread carefully, and honor the wishes of your father.
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Old 11-29-2011, 12:49 PM
 
Location: USA
9,328 posts, read 4,805,002 times
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This situation would be a shock to anyone. I'm sure their are more people in this position than most people realize.

I would talk it over with your mother and father before you do anything.

I had long lost relatives (a grand father who later had a son) that we found by my family. He didn't know we existed and took it badly at first. There was no infidelity involved and he still had problems initially.

Very best of luck to you. It is not fair to be in such a predicament, but thats life.
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Old 11-29-2011, 01:05 PM
 
Location: Alaska
5,154 posts, read 9,058,343 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by michimaize View Post
My other siblings knew about my mother and that he was with her for a few years. They are only a few years younger than her and had a good relationship with her as far as I know. They were adults at the time this whole thing happened. The kids even knew my mom was pregnant, but not that their father was the father in that case. As I said, it's a bit complicated.
Seeing as they know about your mother and that she was pregnant, I think that's your lead into contacting your siblings. You could contact them as "old friends of your mother," that you'd like to get to know. I'd let them form their own conclusions about you, but you resemble your father at all, I think they'll be able to guess the relationship.

Be aware that it could turn out badly.
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Old 11-29-2011, 01:08 PM
 
Location: El Paso, TX
3,172 posts, read 2,214,810 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by michimaize View Post
To make a complicated story short, I have a few half-siblings that, to my knowledge, don't know I exist. My father was married at the time I was conceived to their mother, and still is to this day if they are both alive. My father knows about me and we have had contact before, but not in over 10 years. I'm not looking to reconnect with him, but part of me wants to at least meet my siblings. They're older than I am, somewhere in their 40s or maybe even 50s (not sure exactly). I would want to know if I had siblings I wasn't aware of, but I know not everyone feels the same way. I also don't want to cause any problems in their family. I'm not sure if I should try and find contact information or if I should just leave it alone. What do you guys think?
To me the bottom line is what is more important to you, your wanting to know or the possibility of creating havoc in their lives.

I agree with one of the messages that maybe it is a good idea to first contact your father and get a feel from him. He may still try to lead you to not do it but you can still get an idea of how they would react and the possible harm it would do to the family.

In my case it is interesting because my mom once told me that she had heard that my dad had a daughter with someone else. She told me this after he had died. She wanted to find this daughter to see if she needed anything because she supposedly lived in some the Mexican border town and possibly in a poor neighborhood. I mention this because there is always the possibility that that type of news may not be as an unwelcome knews as we may think. It is a matter of you doing as complete a research about them and see how you think they may react.
Personnaly? If I had the least indicator that it would create such harm in their lives I would just let it rest. Take care.
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Old 11-29-2011, 01:12 PM
 
24,781 posts, read 26,180,157 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
It is my personal belief that each and every one of us is responsible for our own actions/reactions to the blows that life may deal us.

If grown up people can't handle learning that their father wasn't perfect, was in fact a flawed man with a past, that is not our OP's fault or responsibility.

It is not our OP's job to protect dear old dad and keep his secrets, especially at great cost to himself/herself. They can CHOOSE to do that if they want, but no one should insist that they have to.
Yes, but as much as I love you LM, you're talking about the way things should be. I'm talking about the way things are. There will be casualties in this situation among people who never were responsible for this.

It is not our OP's job to protect the father. But if he has any interest in establishing a relationship with the family, he needs to be prepared for the blowback when he comes blundering in and announces: "Hey, I'm the result of your Dad going off the rails a few decades ago." He is a bit naive to think that he'll be accepted with anything short of hostility. The mother will either be shocked or humiliated. The half-brothers and sisters will be angry at the hurt he's caused, and only the most open minded will even grudgingly accept him.

If this were a few years ago, sure. But decades later? Let it remain buried. No point in dredging up the past.
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Old 11-29-2011, 01:14 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,846 posts, read 53,342,650 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Our OP has done nothing wrong and has nothing to be ashamed of.

If Dad is "exposed" to his other children by our OP reaching out to their siblings, so be it. That's on HIM.

Maybe some siblings wouldn't want to know a new found sibling - as shallow as many people are that would most likely be the case.

But others might care deeply to know their long lost sibling.

Our OP will never know which reaction their siblings will have unless they reach out to them.

There is the risk of being rejected, sure. But fear of that shouldn't stop michi from trying if this is very important to him/her
Nobody would have interest in a sibling who, even without fault of his own, caused or will cause pain to his/her mother.

In such a messy situation the sleeping dogs should be left to lie in peace as nobody is about to gain a thing from such an upheaval.
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Old 11-29-2011, 01:22 PM
 
Location: Indianapolis, IN
2,979 posts, read 1,608,819 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
It is my personal belief that each and every one of us is responsible for our own actions/reactions to the blows that life may deal us.

If grown up people can't handle learning that their father wasn't perfect, was in fact a flawed man with a past, that is not our OP's fault or responsibility.

It is not our OP's job to protect dear old dad and keep his secrets, especially at great cost to himself/herself. They can CHOOSE to do that if they want, but no one should insist that they have to.
I couldn't agree more. I don't think it's an issue to tread carefully. But I don't believe for a second that it's the father's decision. He made decisions earlier in life...was anyone else consulted? Not bloody likely. And I truly understand some people reacting negatively, BUT AGAIN, if grown ups can't handle the news, it's not the OP's fault. Let sleeping dogs lie...hmmm...I agree there are times when this is an ok approach, but not in this case. Just my opinion...I've been in a very similar situation and I won't lie, it wasn't easy, but it doesn't have to be as hard as everyone is making it out to be. Decide what you want...maybe find them first... I like the idea of maybe sending a note to one of the siblings that remembered your mother...see where it goes. You can decide how to proceed after getting a read from them.
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Old 11-29-2011, 01:33 PM
 
Location: Indianapolis, IN
2,979 posts, read 1,608,819 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sierraAZ View Post
Nobody would have interest in a sibling who, even without fault of his own, caused or will cause pain to his/her mother.
Sorry to disagree, but NOBODY? My mother caused a great deal of pain to the men she married, the ones she cheated with and on etc., etc. We realized long ago that she had one heck of a past and her children got caught in the wake. If any of her children (that I do not currently know) came to me, I would not shun them. It may or may not cause pain to my father but I feel close enough to him that these things could be discussed. Or, as an adult, I might not even tell him. It would really be circumstantial.

I guess my point is...not everyone will react as you and several others have suggested. I don't think you're off the mark in some cases, but I think there are just as many people who would welcome him. IF (I know, it's a big IF) they are adults, they will realize ALREADY that mom and dad stand on their own. They will still love them and be careful with them but they shouldn't have to walk on egg shells. I might be in the minority on this forum, but I do believe there are a lot more understanding people out there.
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Old 11-29-2011, 01:58 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
44,326 posts, read 54,810,346 times
Reputation: 37068
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
Yes, but as much as I love you LM, you're talking about the way things should be. I'm talking about the way things are. There will be casualties in this situation among people who never were responsible for this.

It is not our OP's job to protect the father. But if he has any interest in establishing a relationship with the family, he needs to be prepared for the blowback when he comes blundering in and announces: "Hey, I'm the result of your Dad going off the rails a few decades ago." He is a bit naive to think that he'll be accepted with anything short of hostility. The mother will either be shocked or humiliated. The half-brothers and sisters will be angry at the hurt he's caused, and only the most open minded will even grudgingly accept him.

If this were a few years ago, sure. But decades later? Let it remain buried. No point in dredging up the past.
Love you too And actually, I do see the the wisdom you espouse in letting things remain buried depending on the individuals involved.

Only a very strong person who is prepared for total rejection should ever attempt this kind of "reunion". This kind of family drama is not for the faint of heart.
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