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Old 01-05-2012, 04:59 AM
 
1 posts, read 734 times
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[FONT=&quot]Dealing with these difficult conditions needs a different-different approach to tackle the persons who is attached to you in different relations like your family, friends, co-workers and your boss, dealing with the difficult people is challenging so you may need a tips or technique to handle the difficult peoples may be at work or at your personal lives.
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Old 01-05-2012, 06:44 AM
 
2,447 posts, read 2,670,422 times
Reputation: 2203
I don't have any, because I made the sacrifice and got rid of them to make my life better.
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Old 01-05-2012, 08:09 AM
 
5,823 posts, read 10,123,974 times
Reputation: 4527
the difficult people in my life
1. My boss
2. (ex aequo): my mum and my wife
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Old 01-05-2012, 09:51 AM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,814,140 times
Reputation: 8956
It is very easy to blame the difficult person and then get stuck in the role of victim. For me, a challenge is to think of the difficult person as bearing a gift to me of something that needs to be healed in myself . . . I am not sure exactly how this dynamic works but in a recent experience, I let my guard down with someone I had previously categorized as "unsafe." I had forgotten about the person's temper and irrationality once they become triggered and found myself in the situation of trying to rationalize with someone who was incapable of reasoning in a highly emotional anger state . . .

For me, the lesson could be about boundaries and expectations. I kept expecting them to "come to their senses" and stop attacking and be reasonable - that is what I wanted to happen so badly . . .but I had no power over making that happen. I "should" have just hung up the phone and stopped trying to reason with the person who was being unreasonable. But it is very difficult for me to give up like that. I want to have resolutions to problems and I want the other person to apologize and take ownership of what they have said or done. Some people are not capable of that.

When that kind of thing happens, then I go away feeling bad about myself . . .as if the terrible interaction is my fault for triggering them . . .or I might just feel sad that there is not the relationship that I want to have with the person . . .

In the case of this person that I am thinking about - they were spewing venom and I was kind of incredulous that there was so much vitriol . . .obviously the person is hurting. For me, it is difficult to understand how someone can act out like that and not really have any insight into how damaging that is. If I did that, I think I would feel so guilty and ashamed and would want to make it right. But everyone is not like that. Some people are in denial or might justify their bad behavior . . .

But if you look at other people as holding up a mirror to you, then the theory is that there is something in you that matches what they are doing/saying that is coming up for healing. I find it very difficult to comprehend that when I think I am coming from a more peaceful place - but then maybe I am also in denial about that.
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Old 01-06-2012, 04:14 AM
 
2,726 posts, read 4,500,673 times
Reputation: 1950
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
It is very easy to blame the difficult person and then get stuck in the role of victim. For me, a challenge is to think of the difficult person as bearing a gift to me of something that needs to be healed in myself . . . I am not sure exactly how this dynamic works but in a recent experience, I let my guard down with someone I had previously categorized as "unsafe." I had forgotten about the person's temper and irrationality once they become triggered and found myself in the situation of trying to rationalize with someone who was incapable of reasoning in a highly emotional anger state . . .

For me, the lesson could be about boundaries and expectations.
I kept expecting them to "come to their senses" and stop attacking and be reasonable - that is what I wanted to happen so badly . . .but I had no power over making that happen. I "should" have just hung up the phone and stopped trying to reason with the person who was being unreasonable. But it is very difficult for me to give up like that. I want to have resolutions to problems and I want the other person to apologize and take ownership of what they have said or done. Some people are not capable of that.

When that kind of thing happens, then I go away feeling bad about myself . . .as if the terrible interaction is my fault for triggering them . . .or I might just feel sad that there is not the relationship that I want to have with the person . . .

In the case of this person that I am thinking about - they were spewing venom and I was kind of incredulous that there was so much vitriol . . .obviously the person is hurting. For me, it is difficult to understand how someone can act out like that and not really have any insight into how damaging that is. If I did that, I think I would feel so guilty and ashamed and would want to make it right. But everyone is not like that. Some people are in denial or might justify their bad behavior . . .

But if you look at other people as holding up a mirror to you, then the theory is that there is something in you that matches what they are doing/saying that is coming up for healing. I find it very difficult to comprehend that when I think I am coming from a more peaceful place - but then maybe I am also in denial about that.
The bolded is what socializing is about. I used to have the same feelings as you. I remember learning how to set boundaries and then I went out to the world with my new set of knowledge and applied it. Boy, did I get a reaction I did not expect.

Then I had to say to myself, I got what I wanted. I told that person my expectations. However, what I didn't want was for that person to be angry with me.

What I learned from C-D and another two books is that its okay for that person to be angry. Not everybody gets angry. Just some people. There are some reasons for them getting angry but I have learned not to analyze the reasons, just to allow it. But that doesn't mean I have to be around to see it.

When they are done being angry and are ready to respect my boundaries, we can carry on like happy people. That person has yet to get over being angry with me and it has been over 1.5 years. Its okay, life is fine without them.

From this experience came a group of friends and family members who "get" what I am doing and are not offended when I set boundaries. The main reason why, they set boundaries and let me know them, too.
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Old 01-06-2012, 06:09 AM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,224 posts, read 14,869,008 times
Reputation: 14977
Wow. I'm humbled. LM, Ani, and others - your compassion for others and your vulnerability set you apart from the masses. Having the ability, and the willingness, to allow another to hurt you is not a bad thing. People who close themselves off to prevent emotional hurt also preclude the possibility of making deep connections; those who leave themselves vulnerable risk the possibility of really deep emotional bonding.

I think it was Ani who said to learn to forgive the hurt. Forgive and be sad for what was done to you has been done to others and the person who hurt you, LM, is isolating herself (himself) and cannot feel the depth of love that you give and get from others.

I know that sometimes moving on and letting go of the pain isn't easy, but if you practice turning off the hurt with compassion when you feel the "message playing in your brain", it may help the healing and true forgiveness to move along faster.
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:10 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 88,319,180 times
Reputation: 39846
Quote:
Originally Posted by Timmyy View Post
This! I was going to say the same thing.
Turned out that poster was just a troll, and he's back under his bridge now
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:16 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 88,319,180 times
Reputation: 39846
Quote:
Originally Posted by purehuman View Post
As long as you realize the above lovesMountains you'll be ok...we all probably have to deal with this at some time in our life...it's a challenge for sure...but it can't hurt if we remain true to ourselves....if anything it teaches us perseverance...and the tolerance needed in life to deal with a difficult situation or person gracefully... something I feel(after reading many of your excellant posts) that you're very capable of.
Thank you for your kind words my friend

Perseverance and tolerance are very valuable tools for enjoying the highest quality of life. I plan to continue working toward having more of them both.
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:18 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 88,319,180 times
Reputation: 39846
Quote:
Originally Posted by NY Annie View Post
Wow. I'm humbled. LM, Ani, and others - your compassion for others and your vulnerability set you apart from the masses. Having the ability, and the willingness, to allow another to hurt you is not a bad thing. People who close themselves off to prevent emotional hurt also preclude the possibility of making deep connections; those who leave themselves vulnerable risk the possibility of really deep emotional bonding.

I think it was Ani who said to learn to forgive the hurt. Forgive and be sad for what was done to you has been done to others and the person who hurt you, LM, is isolating herself (himself) and cannot feel the depth of love that you give and get from others.

I know that sometimes moving on and letting go of the pain isn't easy, but if you practice turning off the hurt with compassion when you feel the "message playing in your brain", it may help the healing and true forgiveness to move along faster.
Your words humble me Annie and I think you are a very wise woman
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Old 01-06-2012, 08:47 AM
 
7,496 posts, read 9,719,084 times
Reputation: 7394
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
It is very easy to blame the difficult person and then get stuck in the role of victim. For me, a challenge is to think of the difficult person as bearing a gift to me of something that needs to be healed in myself . . . I am not sure exactly how this dynamic works but in a recent experience, I let my guard down with someone I had previously categorized as "unsafe." I had forgotten about the person's temper and irrationality once they become triggered and found myself in the situation of trying to rationalize with someone who was incapable of reasoning in a highly emotional anger state . . .

For me, the lesson could be about boundaries and expectations. I kept expecting them to "come to their senses" and stop attacking and be reasonable - that is what I wanted to happen so badly . . .but I had no power over making that happen. I "should" have just hung up the phone and stopped trying to reason with the person who was being unreasonable. But it is very difficult for me to give up like that. I want to have resolutions to problems and I want the other person to apologize and take ownership of what they have said or done. Some people are not capable of that.

When that kind of thing happens, then I go away feeling bad about myself . . .as if the terrible interaction is my fault for triggering them . . .or I might just feel sad that there is not the relationship that I want to have with the person . . .

In the case of this person that I am thinking about - they were spewing venom and I was kind of incredulous that there was so much vitriol . . .obviously the person is hurting. For me, it is difficult to understand how someone can act out like that and not really have any insight into how damaging that is. If I did that, I think I would feel so guilty and ashamed and would want to make it right. But everyone is not like that. Some people are in denial or might justify their bad behavior . . .

But if you look at other people as holding up a mirror to you, then the theory is that there is something in you that matches what they are doing/saying that is coming up for healing. I find it very difficult to comprehend that when I think I am coming from a more peaceful place - but then maybe I am also in denial about that.
Interesting perspective on it, I never really thought of it that way. I'm a person who would do well to find a good book on boundaries and how to set them (I really suck at it).
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