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I grew up in a different country and came to US for grad school. Had made some good friends back in home country and we were in constant regular touch (phone calls / face time) even after I moved here.
Made some friends in grad school here, but then everyone moved to different cities for jobs. We were still in regular contact, but eventually even that reduced after they started getting married. Almost all of my friends are married and now they like to hang out or be in contact with their couple friends. Our regular contacts have came down to just talking over text that too once every few months. I understand people get more busy after marriage, but we don't talk over phone even for months. It's not that I am bothering anyone every day.
So I started making new friends where I live. I was living in a different city before this and my neighbor was my friend (had a few other too who got married now so very little contact). We would hang out together and help each other when in need. Her family lives in the same city where I reside now, so while I was leaving I told her to let me know when she is here (she visits her family every other month) so we can meet again. She even said she would introduce me to her sister, so I could have a friend here, but once I moved, all the contact stopped. She just texted once to know if I reached safely, post that I contacted her few times and she would reply, but never initiate the conversation. It's been one year now and she never contacted me. Tried making another friend here and I experienced the same thing from him too. He would say I am his friend and I can reach out to him anytime to say hi, but he never initiates contact.
It's like I am left with friends who just want to stay in touch via text every once in a while or talk over the phone just couple of times in a year. Also I feel like I should stop trusting what they say. Few of my friends while talking would say I will take you or we will go to these places next time you are in town and when I visit their town, there is always an excuse.
Am not sure if it's just me, but I find it difficult to make true friends these days.
I kinda see what you are saying. I don’t know what’s going on with people? I just moved across the country to a new state, so I’m starting over with “friends”. I go visit a neighbor now, he’s like 85 and not allowed to go into town now that this virus is around. So I go over to his place for coffee or a beer a couple times a week. We visit, he’s lived quite an interesting life. I only stay an hour or so, but I consider him a friend. He has a lot of family, so they see him on the weekends. I’m all solo here. But at least I talk to someone a few hours a week and they answer, haha. Very few people around where I live, and those that do, work and almost all are married. So I just wave, they don’t have time to just visit. I don’t think people these days even want to just visit. Just the way it is.
In my experience it's always been difficult to make and keep friends. This is especially true when people are separated by large distances. Always been that way but I'd think now would actually be a lot easier to keep in touch if you really wanted to. Back in the "old days" one had to telephone or write a letter to keep in touch, in my life no one ever did that with me. I just don't know how you can imply that it's more difficult these days than in the past. I don't find that to be true. It's the same as it's always been. People drift apart. Most of your friends won't be your friends for life, actually very few of them will be.
It is not you, and you are not alone. I think that everyone, everywhere, seems to have a great deal of difficulty making/keeping friends. Is it apathy? Laziness? Absolute sorriness? I have a few -- very few, friends; I only need 2-3 fingers on which to count them.
I am at an age where I no longer have the patience to suffer someone's ill treatment -- the opportunities who only call when they need something, the ones who can only manage to return a phone call six months (or more) later, the ones who can't make time for anything -- even going out to a diner. No, these people aren't taking care of kids, elderly parents, working multiple jobs, or any other situation. They. are. just. sorry. and. worthless. Worthless as friends.
I continue to learn how to enjoy my own company. I go fishing/hiking, I camp, I eat out, etc. I'm not staying at home because no one else wants to make the time to be with me. I work full-time and value my colleagues. I volunteer and have recently started a consulting business. I try to remain engaged in as much meaningful activity as possible so that I do not have time to even consider those who have made it clear that they do not have time for me. S***** them.
It also sounds like you're in that age group where life is changing for many... getting married, moving off for careers. My daughter went thru the same thing after college. So many of her friends were getting married and had new priorities. She did join several clubs (many of them geared toward her career) where she made some friends but nothing really enduring. Then eventually she too got married and busy with a new life.
I think it's just a way of life at a certain age when you aren't around all the people you grew up with anymore.
Maybe try checking out Meetup - We are what we do for your area. There are tons of groups that get together for a variety of interests and surely you might meet a new friend. There are walking clubs, language groups, foodie groups, golfing... all sorts of things. At least check it out to see.
I think that for many (myself included) making friends is easier in one's youth. After college it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain friendships especially as people get married and have kids. Reconnecting with older childhood friends has proven mostly worthless in my experience. Most people don't care to make the time to get together monthly and are content with the type of social interacting that most social media provides. I despise Facebook and deleted my account years ago after having been heavily involved with it. I saw it for what it was...a superficial toxic place. Friendships at work often fizzle as soon as one of the parties leave. These people are more acquaintances than friends. It's certainly been a very isolating and lonely experience at times but like a previous poster, I too am learning to value my own company more and more. I am married and I have school age children so I am busy with that but I also deliberately refuse to overschedule myself or my kids b/c of how stressful it is. So I often have more free time than other moms I know. I feel like a black sheep of society as well as my extended family. Black sheep are cool though
Next time you make contact with someone you’d like to get to know better, try and arrange to meet. “Hey, I’d love to get to know you better..... how about we meet at Starbuck’s on Saturday at 10 am?” Or, “I thought it would be fun to walk for a couple of miles on the Overlook Trail, want to walk with me this weekend?”
Anyone I know who is good at making connections makes sure to have face-to-face meeting with others....
I lost a friend late last year. Oh, he's still alive, I think, but the relationship apparently could not stand the strain of a brief emotional meltdown I had. (My husband had left me.)
On some level I knew this person was not tolerant of other peoples' foibles, so I told myself before I met up with this person I wasn't going to let my distress show. But I saw him and the tears started flowing. I guess a hug and a "there, there" pat was beyond him.
Is a friendship a friendship if it only works while the focus is solely on the other person 100% of the time? I was ghosted after the meltdown and apparently this friendship, if it ever was one, is over.
What about your friends back in your home country? Are they still staying in touch? Have some of them gotten married, but they still stay in touch?
This experience you've had, of people saying you can reach out to them, and they'll respond, but they never initiate, sounds odd. I've never run into that. And I don't know what to tell you about that one friend, whose family is in your current city, but she never contacts you, even when she's in town. Have you tried calling her, to invite her to coffee on her next visit?
But I will tell you, that there are a lot of people, for whom friendship is a one-way street. Meaning, that they want to be your friends if you have something they need; for example, if they need someone to talk to, and you're willing to listen, they'll talk your ear off about their problems, or about nothing. But when you need a little support, they disappear.
There seems to be a lot of people, whose idea of friendship is shallow. It's hard to find a good, reliable friend who reciprocates what you have to offer. People say, that if you have one or two close friends like that, it's enough. Your other friends can be people you may share one or two mutual interests with, so you see them on a limited basis relating to an activity or hobby you're both interested in. Friends with a small "f", compared to those rare, close Friends, with a capital "F".
I also think, that many people don't realize, that friendship needs to be nurtured in order to thrive. It requires a time commitment. That may be once/month, or perhaps once every 3 months, in the case of a married friend, say, when you get together for a good visit of 2-3 hours to catch up on news, and to renew the bond. Then you both go back to your busy lives until the next visit. But if contact isn't renewed (mutually) from time to time, people may grow apart.
It is definitely not you. There have been numerous threads on this subject. In 2012 I moved to a part of the country that is very closed to transplants. It has been very isolating and lonely for me for going on 8 years now. I'm hoping I can move back home later this year, but its unlikely to happen.
I have 2-3 friends where I live, but I never see them. Its all texts and the occasional phone call. I can't stand it. Combine that with the pandemic and not even having sports as an outlet, and its even worse. I found myself drinking a lot more during the early part of the pandemic, but have almost cut that out. Its not easy. The point is its more common than you realize. I'm much older than you, but when I grew up and well into my 20's (80's and 90's), it was so easy to make friends. I still talk to many of those friends, just never see them. Its the "new normal", unfortunately. People no longer value other people beyond their families. That's what I've realized. If you're single, its very hard.
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