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Old 01-05-2012, 07:30 AM
 
Location: southeast SD
159 posts, read 240,582 times
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an old aquaintance(sp) of mine now gone told me many yrs ago that in your entire lifetime you will only have 3-4 really good friends in your life time. I am still waiting for #2 to show up --- I married #1 33 yrs ago

food for thought
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Old 01-05-2012, 07:46 AM
 
2,447 posts, read 2,670,422 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
I honestly can't think of too many people who wouldn't be hurt by an honest statement like, "I'd love to get together with you, but my husband and children are my best friends now. As much as I'd like to catch up with you, I'd much rather spend that time with my family. It's been nice seeing you though."

Or......how about this one, "You know, actually....I've seen some of your posts on FB and frankly, well.... I just can't bring myself to be associated with someone like you. When we were in junior high, your behavior and language may have been acceptable. As a 50 yr old, I find your behavior to be A) embarrassing and B) repulsive. Getting together with you is probably the least appealing thing I could ever imagine doing!"

Something tells me that honesty like that would not be very well received. I'm thinking that they'd be more happy with a simple, "Oh....yeah....that'd be great! We'll have to do that some time. Maybe when things slow down a bit around here and I'm not so busy!"

I've got an old high school acquaintance who has been trying to get me to meet up with her for about 2 years now. I just can't! When we were in school, she was a bit umm vain. Even though she's married and has 2 kids, 99% of the photos (and she has TONS) on her FB page are of HER...being taken BY her, with her cell phone and a camera. OMG! WTH is with that!? It's like she'll put on her makeup or fix her hair, or goodness knows what, then take several different shots, changing her facial expressions..you know, sultry/sexy/happy/in deep thought. Friggin' WEIRD! Yeah, I want to take time out of my schedule to go "hang out" with someone like that...NOT!

How do you be honest with someone about that!? LOL "You know, I actually thought about getting together with you.....unTIL I saw your FB photo albums. WTH is wrong with you? I'm sorry, but you are far too weird for my taste. You see, I've grown up a bit in the last 30-some years and yeah.... I just don't DO people like you, okay? Sorry.....um, no offense, but us getting together just isn't going to happen."
I fantasize about saying things like this all the time lol.
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Old 01-05-2012, 07:52 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 10,008,494 times
Reputation: 19438
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aganusn View Post
I fantasize about saying things like this all the time lol.
Yeah.....Me too! LOL Awww.....I always opt out for the "Yeeaaah, it'd be great.....if only I could find the time!"....line. I know, I'm a coward.
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Old 01-05-2012, 07:55 AM
 
2,447 posts, read 2,670,422 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post
Yeah.....Me too! LOL Awww.....I always opt out for the "Yeeaaah, it'd be great.....if only I could find the time!"....line. I know, I'm a coward.
Yeah, I'm too nice :/
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Old 01-05-2012, 08:04 AM
 
Location: Noblesville, IN
3,695 posts, read 4,076,202 times
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I can't decide which category I fit into. I had two very close friends in high school and we stayed close for a few years into college. However, I really felt like they pulled away...shifted, if you will, to someplace that I just couldn't relate. I really felt how materialistic they were and I didn't fit into their new dynamic. To this day, they are very close but I've been out of the picture for many years.

A few years ago though, we reconnected. I went to dinner at one's house and the other friend and family joined. While I felt at "home" in one way, I also felt like an alien. I don't have kids, I'm not Jewish, I'm not a stay-at-home mom...all of the things that bind those two are not what binds me. As pleasant as they were, I still felt like an outsider. (I know some of that feeling was the past creeping up but also it was renewed by the same behaviors).

These friends aren't bad people; they just have their own lives. So when one of them asked me over last year to visit before the holidays, I did try. I had plenty of time but I felt like I had weights on my feet...I just couldn't bring myself to go. I don't think they mean to boast or brag about the things going on...in fact, I enjoy listening to their "stuff" most of the time...but it's the idea that they pity me for not having the same as they do...yikes, I realize it sounds like I'm putting all my issues in the forefront. I can promise you though...it's mutual.

I would love to say to them "I feel excluded when you speak in Hebrew and I can't understand. When you say to leave all "those things" in the past, I feel that you're doomed to repeat the same behaviors that brought about our separation." Sure, being honest would be somewhat helpful, especially if we want to grow. But sometimes, how do you lump all of that into a convo and not come off as nuts? Well, you don't, so people lie.

Oh...to the Eastern European...maybe that's why I had trouble with my friend...she's from Russia...perhaps she played that "American" game you speak of...I didn't have the handbook so I stopped playing the game. Shame on me!
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Old 01-05-2012, 09:09 AM
 
Location: Long Island, NY
7,846 posts, read 10,772,198 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by virgode View Post
I'm not sure why you bothered wishing her a happy anything if you have hard feelings and didn't intend to respond....just my 2 cents.
I don't have hard feelings at all. I wished her a happy holiday the way I did with other friends and I never said that I didn't intend to respond back. All I said was that I didn't respond back. There is no written rule that states you have to respond within a certain time frame lol...Part of me thinks that she may not want to pursue or re-kindle the friendship because of her health. She can't work. She can't go out like she used to. She can no longer drive. She doesn't have the energy or strength for late nights. None of that bothers me and I never had a problem just hanging out in her house with her husband and son. Friendship is about being there for each other and honestly, we're in our 40's now so we're really not trying to recapture our youth. The times we did get together we never re-hashed the past or talked about "the good old days". We talked about the "now" and what's going on in our lives and the kids, etc. I know she didn't want to revisit the college days because of certain people so I never extended any invitations to her when I got together with some other old college friends. The other part of me wonders if her husband has anything to do with it. She shut out all her friends and hung out with his friends. His friends are their son's Godparents. We were looking at each other's wedding albums. 3 out of the 4 bridesmaids were HIS friends and the other was her cousin.
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Old 01-05-2012, 01:29 PM
 
2,726 posts, read 4,500,673 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MarysPoppins View Post
I know you hear "I will call you soon" when you date people who actually never want to see you again but why do people have to lie to friends/old friends?

Be honest, I am a big girl, I won't mind if you just say you've moved on in your life or you prefer not to hang out anymore. I am not going to go postal or cry my heart out over it and I am sure many of you feel the same way.

I moved to this area last year and caught up with an old friend I had not seen in nearly 20 years. We were college roommates for 2 years, friends for 4 (since Freshman year). I had her over within a month of moving and she called me 2 times before coming over and sounded excited to get together.

She spent the afternoon with my family and brought her child. We had a nice time and she said I will have to have you over soon. She seemed excited I had moved here and mentioned she wanted me to visit her mother also.

Yeah okay...

I heard from her one more time after I emailed her to ask (about a month later) if she had a nice summer vacation.

Never heard from her again. I chalk it up to yet (another) person who just can't be bothered.

I wasn't expecting to blow into town and be her best bud, but knowing someone local would have been a nice way to segue into life in a new area.


I recently read a book about the USA that says many Americans are lonely people who connect superficially but lack good friends. It's no wonder when we cannot be honest with each other.

Any thoughts?
Here is the thing, it would have been nice but it is not her responsibility to help you get comfortable in your new area.

I would have done it if we were good friends. Heck, I would even do it for a good co-worker. That is me, not your friend.

Once you "expect", you can set yourself up for disappointment. Reach out first but don't expect others to accept.
Personally, I just tell people "no, I can't."
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Old 01-06-2012, 05:17 AM
 
663 posts, read 938,235 times
Reputation: 940
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarysPoppins;
I know you hear "I will call you soon" when you date people who actually never want to see you again but why do people have to lie to friends/old friends?

Be honest, I am a big girl, I won't mind if you just say you've moved on in your life or you prefer not to hang out anymore. I am not going to go postal or cry my heart out over it and I am sure many of you feel the same way.

I moved to this area last year and caught up with an old friend I had not seen in nearly 20 years. We were college roommates for 2 years, friends for 4 (since Freshman year). I had her over within a month of moving and she called me 2 times before coming over and sounded excited to get together.

She spent the afternoon with my family and brought her child. We had a nice time and she said I will have to have you over soon. She seemed excited I had moved here and mentioned she wanted me to visit her mother also.

Yeah okay...

I heard from her one more time after I emailed her to ask (about a month later) if she had a nice summer vacation.

Never heard from her again. I chalk it up to yet (another) person who just can't be bothered.

I wasn't expecting to blow into town and be her best bud, but knowing
someone local would have been a nice way to segue into life in a new area.

I recently read a book about the USA that says many Americans are lonely people who connect superficially but lack good friends. It's no wonder when we cannot be honest with each other.

Any thoughts?
I know for me, I work long hours, 10+ a day. By the time the end of the work day shows up, I'm ready to go home. My kids are grown but my DH takes priority over friends.

Unfortunately, some people just say things they don't mean and others intend to follow through but for whatever reason, they don't. I try to keep hopes high and expectations low with friends and acquaintances.
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Old 01-06-2012, 05:59 AM
 
Location: NC
6,032 posts, read 7,532,115 times
Reputation: 6350
My good friends always come from the hobbies that I am involved in. That way we have a common interest that brings us together regularly.

I imagine this will change if I ever have kids... or get married.
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Old 01-06-2012, 11:51 AM
 
2,732 posts, read 3,083,890 times
Reputation: 1960
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarysPoppins View Post
So many people judge you by whether you own a house.

No kidding.^^

And how many of those people who bought a home can't even afford it? Or they can't afford the maintenance? Or they're upside down on their mortgage?

Regardless, everybody is a renter because nobody can escape the yearly property tax.
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