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Old 02-10-2012, 02:30 PM
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 88,294,482 times
Reputation: 39844


Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen View Post
I would find it unforgiveable if I found out a close friend of mine knew my husband was sleeping with other women, prostitutes and taking hard drugs and didn't tell me. Especially if I ended up catching some sort of awful disease from him which could have been prevented had I known.

If it was me I would approach it in a way that makes it clear that I have no first hand knowledge of the information and that it is all hearsay. I would tell her that I had heard some weird gossip about her husband, am sure it is all incorrect, but ask if she wants to know what is being said, or if I should just dismiss it as idle gossip.
That way she is the one who decides if she wants to hear it or not and if she doesn't believe it, you can agree with her and say you thougt it sounded crazy, but at least you have put her on notice and she will be more aware of what he is up to and maybe she'll do some investigating of her own, even if she appears to dismiss the knowledge out of hand initially.

Yep. With spineless friends like that, who needs enemies?
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Old 02-10-2012, 02:41 PM
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,140 posts, read 20,307,607 times
Reputation: 26372
I think if you really feel the need to tell her, it needs to be anonymous.

It would probably be a good idea for her to be tested for STD's, especially since she's pregnant. Something like syphilis could be deadly to the fetus if not treated.
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Old 02-10-2012, 09:02 PM
1,752 posts, read 3,245,189 times
Reputation: 1936
When I was pregnant, checking for STDs was standard medical practice. They don't want the baby to catch them so they test you whether you ask or not.

I wish someone had told me sooner my husband was cheating. Apparently everyone in the town where he worked knew.

However, when drugs are involved, and when someone has worked that hard to cultivate a double life, I would say she is in more danger if she knows than if she doesn't know.

I would also lean towards anonymous drug tip to the police.
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Old 02-10-2012, 09:09 PM
35,121 posts, read 39,987,519 times
Reputation: 62022
Originally Posted by chzanne View Post
my mind has basically been made up to stay out of another person's marriage. However, i would like other people's perspective. Have you ever got involved? Or has someone stuck their nose in your marriage? How did it go?

short story: i have heard from reliable sources that the husband has cheated throughout their relationship (dating, engagement, and marriage), and she has no idea. I have also heard (and accidently walked in on, but didn't know it until later), that he has a cocaine habit, and she has no idea. She is the sweetest girl ever..and he has a double life. What would you do?

long story: i moved to a very small town 3.5 years ago to be with my husband who was born and raised here. At that time this couple (bob & sally) were engaged and lived/still live 2 hours away. She and i get a long great. However, we only see each other a couple times a year (it's a growing friendship). Her husband and my husband grew up together. She is from an even smaller town on the other part of the state. He has a reputation for being a wild child, and she is nothing but honest and sweet. (i think he purposely picked a niave person to marry to he can live his double life...)

i first met bob & sally three years ago, i had no idea what was going on. I was new to town and just meeting everyone. And everyone has a story that i was trying to learn and keep up with.

Over the next couple years it was/is pretty common for bob to come back to his hometown for a weekend without sally. And while he was/is in town, there would be more talk about his cocaine habit. I found out that he has been back and forth with it his whole life. Then the rumors would start about him cheating on certain weekends when he was in town. That is when things really started to eat at me (also because sally and i were becoming better friends). But i never actually saw anything, so i knew it wasn't my place to say anything. But the people he was staying with would tell me . But they definitely won't get involved, because they are going to back up their lifelong friend and not the wife they see a couple times a year.

Then the doozey came. A lot of guys went on a bachelor party to new orleans a year and a half ago (my husband had to work, wasn't there). Our good friend shared a room with bob and a couple other guys. There were drugs and such, but what caught my attention was that bob and one other guy got a prostitute that night. When i heard that my stomach just sank. I had no idea what to do! I thought about sending an anonymous letter with all the tid-bits that i heard. I thought about calling her family and letting them know. I thought about calling her best friend and letting them know. But it all came down to the fact...that i had not witnessed anything.

So i called my mom and asked her advice. And my mom said that it isn't my place to get involved with their marriage.

So my game plan has turned into trying to catch bob in the act. Then i will blackmail him into telling his wife. However, my husband and i rarely go out. And bob is careful around me since sally and i are friends. The only time i did walk in on him snorting a line was completely by accident (even though i was looking for it ). He was using the bathroom and i had no idea, i just walked straight into the bathroom and was completely shocked and embarrassed to see him sitting on the toilet that i quickly ran out. Looking back, i should have kept that bathroom door open longer beause sally was right behind me and she would have seen the powder on the counter next to the toilet that he was about to snort. But i completely blew it

Anyways. They have been married almost 3 years now. Have a house. And she is now 9 weeks pregnant... And i feel like a horrible person.

stay out of it, none of your concern.......what you hear and what you see for yourself are two completely different things.

Not your marriage and you should tend to your own marriage before getting involved in someone else's.
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Old 02-10-2012, 09:14 PM
Location: Southern California
15,088 posts, read 17,506,015 times
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Originally Posted by Chzanne View Post
...a very small town ...
This small town needs a hobby.

[or a controversy like a new Wal-Mart]
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Old 02-10-2012, 09:40 PM
Location: Chicago
63 posts, read 119,150 times
Reputation: 175
Some people can't handle the truth though OP.

Your friend might think you're making it all up no matter how true it is because she may not be able to accept such terrible news. This could ruin a friendship if you tell. At the same time though knowing something like that would eat away at my insides if I didn't tell it because I'd feel like I'm betraying my friend. Tough situation.

Glad I'm not you .
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Old 02-10-2012, 09:45 PM
Location: tampa bay
6,584 posts, read 6,791,980 times
Reputation: 9833
You may lose a friend (if hubby sweet talks his way out) she may not be ready to accept the truth!Do what you feel is right...just brace yourself for what follows!
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Old 02-10-2012, 09:53 PM
Location: Blah
4,153 posts, read 7,925,023 times
Reputation: 3057
Oh heck, just tell her....go by one of those disposable walmart phones and text her the whole story. But make sure you know your facts first.

Sorry, I'm bored and couldn't help my self
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Old 02-10-2012, 10:06 PM
Location: Utah
1,429 posts, read 1,964,416 times
Reputation: 702
If my friends knew this about my Husband I would pray they would tell me.

I vote that you should gather proof and show your friend. Otherwise you risk losing her because she may disbelieve you but if you have proof she will have to believe you or deny it and then you have lost nothing but a terrible woman who would rather live in fairyland then protect herself from possibly contracting terrible STDs ect.
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Old 02-14-2012, 08:26 AM
Location: MS
200 posts, read 510,620 times
Reputation: 269
Originally Posted by strawberrykiki View Post
I think it depends how close you are to Sally. If one of my close friends knew of something like this happening and didn't tell me, I would feel almost as betrayed by their silence as by the jerk doing drugs and cheating behind my back. If one of my close friends was having this happen to them and I heard about it I would feel obligated to tell them. And by close friend I meant someone you talk to and hang out with on a regular basis. If it was only a casual friend, then I think I'd mind my own business.

I know you said you believe she honestly doesn't have a clue...but that is what seems hard to believe. Maybe she's in denial and if so, you confirming what she doesn't want to believe will only make her angry at you.

This post is right on. Sally and I have a growing friendship. We only see each other a couple times a year. We catch-up via text once a month. We continue to get a closer friendship over time, however, it is still a relatively young friendship. And what gets worse, is the closer I get to Sally, the more I hear about Bob. So friendship is growing and so is scandel. Which is very ackward.

My closest friends, I would have no trouble telling them. Especially since with my closests friends I have known them longer than their significant other has. With Bob & Sally, I met them both over 3 years ago, and it is through our husbands.
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