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Old 02-10-2012, 10:55 AM
 
Location: MS
200 posts, read 563,833 times
Reputation: 270

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My Mind has basically been made up to stay out of another person's marriage. However, I would like other people's perspective. Have you ever got involved? Or has someone stuck their nose in your marriage? How did it go?

Short Story: I have HEARD from reliable sources that the husband has cheated throughout their relationship (dating, engagement, and marriage), and she has no idea. I have also heard (and accidently walked in on, but didn't know it until later), that he has a cocaine habit, and she has no idea. She is the sweetest girl ever..and he has a double life. What would you do?

Long story: I moved to a very small town 3.5 years ago to be with my Husband who was born and raised here. At that time this couple (Bob & Sally) were engaged and lived/still live 2 hours away. She and I get a long great. However, we only see each other a couple times a year (it's a growing friendship). Her husband and my husband grew up together. She is from an even smaller town on the other part of the state. He has a reputation for being a wild child, and she is nothing but honest and sweet. (I think he purposely picked a niave person to marry to he can live his double life...)

I first met Bob & Sally three years ago, I had no idea what was going on. I was new to town and just meeting everyone. And everyone has a story that I was trying to learn and keep up with.

Over the next couple years it was/is pretty common for Bob to come back to his hometown for a weekend without Sally. And while he was/is in town, there would be more talk about his cocaine habit. I found out that he has been back and forth with it his whole life. Then the rumors would start about him cheating on certain weekends when he was in town. That is when things really started to eat at me (also because sally and I were becoming better friends). But I never actually saw anything, so I knew it wasn't my place to say anything. But the people he was staying with would tell me . But they definitely won't get involved, because they are going to back up their lifelong friend and not the wife they see a couple times a year.

Then the doozey came. A lot of guys went on a bachelor party to New Orleans a year and a half ago (my husband had to work, wasn't there). Our good friend shared a room with Bob and a couple other guys. There were drugs and such, but what caught my attention was that Bob and one other guy got a prostitute that night. When I heard that my stomach just sank. I had no idea what to do! I thought about sending an anonymous letter with all the tid-bits that I heard. I thought about calling her family and letting them know. I thought about calling her best friend and letting them know. But it all came down to the fact...that I had not witnessed anything.

So I called my mom and asked her advice. And my mom said that it isn't my place to get involved with their marriage.

So my game plan has turned into trying to catch Bob in the act. Then I will blackmail him into telling his wife. However, my husband and I rarely go out. And Bob is careful around me since Sally and I are friends. The only time I did walk in on him snorting a line was completely by accident (Even though I was looking for it ). He was using the bathroom and I had no idea, I just walked straight into the bathroom and was completely shocked and embarrassed to see him sitting on the toilet that I quickly ran out. Looking back, I should have kept that bathroom door open longer beause Sally was right behind me and she would have seen the powder on the counter next to the toilet that he was about to snort. But I completely blew it

Anyways. They have been married almost 3 years now. Have a house. And she is now 9 weeks pregnant... and I feel like a horrible person.
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Old 02-10-2012, 10:59 AM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 19,945,126 times
Reputation: 9417
This is too easy for me. Stay the [bleep] out of it. If you're part of the marriage, fine, jump in. If all this is going on, she knows something's not right. When she is ready she'll confront it. Until then, stay out of another's marriage is the only answer, imo.
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Old 02-10-2012, 11:02 AM
 
2,149 posts, read 4,136,736 times
Reputation: 1325
Stay out of it, I'm sure he'll screw up somewhere.
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Old 02-10-2012, 11:04 AM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,360 posts, read 8,354,367 times
Reputation: 8595
MYOB. No one knows what goes on inside any marriage unless you are either the husband or the wife. What you've heard may not be true, it may be half truthful, it might just be spiteful people gossiping. In any case, it's none of your business. Don't get involved. Now, if the wife ever comes to you and asks you if you've heard anything, THEN you can open up.
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Old 02-10-2012, 11:05 AM
 
410 posts, read 740,253 times
Reputation: 562
I disagree with the other two posters. If you know for a fact that he is cheating or doing drugs, I think you'll be doing your friend a great service by letting her know. If it were me in the situation I would want someone to tell me or at least hint at it so that I am not completely in the dark.
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Old 02-10-2012, 11:07 AM
 
2,112 posts, read 2,686,771 times
Reputation: 1774
Quote:
Originally Posted by jifwittle View Post
I disagree with the other two posters. If you know for a fact that he is cheating or doing drugs, I think you'll be doing your friend a great service by letting her know. If it were me in the situation I would want someone to tell me or at least hint at it so that I am not completely in the dark.
I agree. For the safety of your friend and their child, I think she should know the truth. But this will not go over well, and be prepared for major backlash from the town and your friend.
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Old 02-10-2012, 11:08 AM
 
2,149 posts, read 4,136,736 times
Reputation: 1325
Quote:
Originally Posted by jifwittle View Post
I disagree with the other two posters. If you know for a fact that he is cheating or doing drugs, I think you'll be doing your friend a great service by letting her know. If it were me in the situation I would want someone to tell me or at least hint at it so that I am not completely in the dark.



Yeah, but if they get divorced, she'd be labeled as the one who ended it, even though the guy had a drug habit and was cheating. You don't want to be that person.
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Old 02-10-2012, 11:09 AM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 19,945,126 times
Reputation: 9417
More often than not, the person who told ends up alienated for 'just trying to help'. Unless you're the one he cheated with or you were the one who sold him drugs, there's no absolute way of knowing for 100% certainty he's guilty. I wouldn't even take my best friends word for something that can destroy lives when I have no solid proof. And no, I wouldn't hunt for proof. I stand by stay out of it.
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Old 02-10-2012, 11:10 AM
 
410 posts, read 740,253 times
Reputation: 562
Quote:
Originally Posted by DomRep View Post
Yeah, but if they get divorced, she'd be labeled as the one who ended it, even though the guy had a drug habit and was cheating. You don't want to be that person.
I wouldn't mind being that person for the sake of my friend.
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Old 02-10-2012, 11:10 AM
 
Location: Petticoat Junction
934 posts, read 1,929,534 times
Reputation: 1523
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chzanne View Post
So I called my mom and asked her advice. And my mom said that it isn't my place to get involved with their marriage.
Your mom is a wise woman.

Quote:
So my game plan has turned into trying to catch Bob in the act. Then I will blackmail him into telling his wife.
YGBSM . This scenario has about 10,000 possible outcomes, of which 9,999 are bad/catastrophic. But I'd love to be a fly on the wall and watch you try.

If you don't approve of Bob's behavior, don't associate with him. Sally will figure it out eventually.

But, if you do persist in the insanity of playing Inspector Columbo (dated myself there), promise you'll come back here and tell us how well it turned out. And be honest.
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