Dragged into some light family drama. Irritating.... (wife, father, husband)

[Hobokenkitchen]

..... and we could use some help working out whether to respond, or just leave it.

Backstory:

DH's Dad is on marriage number 3 and has had issues with his wife (B). He is the kind of person who takes little responsibility for anything and thinks all his wives are the ones with the problems and his sister 100% agrees with him and thinks he can do no wrong. He complains about his wife to his sister (DH's aunt, J) and has an unfortunate habit of telling each of them what the other has said.

This has lead to issues between the Dad's wife and his sister, culminating in them not speaking after several blow out arguments (that were really bad).

We live pretty close (about an hour) to DH's aunt J & grandmother and DH's Dad comes up to visit them periodically.... and his wife B stays home because she doesn't want to be around his sister. B hasn't joined him on a trip north for at least 3 years due to the rocky relationship as she won't be in the same room as J. J also won't go to visit them because she can't stand B.

DH and I get on fine with everyone. Probably due to my pregnancy, DH's Dad AND HIS WIFE (!) want to come and stay with us next weekend. We are happy about this as it is a big deal for B to agree to come north at all, and it is very unusual for DH's Dad to drive all this way just to see DH and not his Mom and sister.

Today we got a text from J asking when she can come and visit us (she has NEVER come to see us in Philly before, but we have invited her several times). We suggest the weekend after next, and she responds that is possible but can she come the same weekend as DH's Dad and wife.

DH called his Dad and asked and basically his Dad says that B won't come to stay with us if J is there.

So DH responded to his aunt that we are very excited to see her, but that the following weekend would work better.

She texted back asking if that was in addition to next weekend as she really wants to catch up with her brother (who was up visiting her a few months ago, so it's not like it's been a long time since she saw him - she sees far more of him than DH does!).

DH responded that the weekend after would be better so there would be no awkwardness with B.

J responded "You're kidding me right?"

DH responded; "I think they're coming up to sight see so they're going to be out a lot as she's never been to Philly. It's difficult I know.....'

J responded (hours later); "How thoughtful."

I am annoyed at how DH has been somehow put in the middle of this.

I understand that perhaps J feels it is ridiculous that a bunch of adults can't spend time together without it being a problem.... but given the fact that their last meeting ended with an unseemly screaming match, I don't understand why she seems to be feigning ignorance of the whole situation and now appears angry with DH for trying to make B feel at least somewhat comfortable when she comes to stay with us for the first time in years.

There is no way in the world that DH's Dad is going to man up enough to call J and tell her straight that if she insists on coming that B won't, so DH has been left in the position of the bad guy.

Any tips on how to difuse this situation & appease J's obvious annoyance with DH (because nothing is ever her brother's fault, EVER)?

I have pregnancy hormones going on and find the whole situation so foolish that a bunch of 50 and 60 year olds are behaving like a bunch of teenagers, that I feel like telling them just that. However this would probably not help anything, but it makes me sad to see DH struggling with this and worried that his Dad is going to cancel the whole trip if it becomes too difficult. It's sad.

Sorry this is so long and I know it's minor in the scheme of things, but should DH respond to J at all and if so how? Or should we just leave her be for a while to get over it? If she calls DH's Dad, he'll just blame it all on B (and possibly us) so it's now kind of a no win position for DH which is frustrating.

DH is likely to lose patience very soon and tell them all to bugger off.... which might be the best thing at this point! But if we can think of a more graceful way out, that would be better! Any thoughts?

[lovesMountains]

You don't need this stress right now.

Your husband needs to just flat out refuse to placate his aunt. "Appease" her??? Forget that.

He should let her know straight up she is not welcome when Dad and his wife are there. PERIOD. Have him put it back on her that their issues and animosity are the reason and that he is not going to be drawn into taking sides.

Tell him not to allow her to emotionally manipulate him in any way shape or form - no feeling sorry for her, no allowing her to belittle him, bully him, or guilt him.

When he is firm and unapologetic about doing what his right for YOU and your baby (his top priority), she will go stew in a corner somewhere else.

On top of that, encourage him to speak frankly to his father to let him know this trouble between the women in his life is ridiculous for people their age and that he will not have it invading his home.

This is the time for his most protective nature to display itself

[Hobokenkitchen]

Loves, thanks for taking the time to wade through my post!

I agree with you on everything you say.

He's a pretty easy going guy for the most part and would prefer to appease and have everyone happy... but if pushed too far he'll just tell them all to stay home. I don't think either of these are ideal approaches, but I don't want to add to the problem by nagging him!

I'll talk to him about it in the morning and see what he wants to do.

Good grief people can be SO ANNOYING!!!!!!!

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen

Loves, thanks for taking the time to wade through my post!

I agree with you on everything you say.

He's a pretty easy going guy for the most part and would prefer to appease and have everyone happy... but if pushed too far he'll just tell them all to stay home. I don't think either of these are ideal approaches, but I don't want to add to the problem by nagging him!

I'll talk to him about it in the morning and see what he wants to do.

Good grief people can be SO ANNOYING!!!!!!!

I stayed up late just to respond when I saw it was you

I think when it comes to family drama of any kind you just have refuse to be drawn in.

When one person tries to rag on the other you flat out tell them you aren't interested and change the subject.

If they refuse to shut up you have to be prepared to leave the room or hang up the phone - politely of course

The key is to not let them make you as emotional about the issues as they are - that's how they hook you and pull you in!

Tell your kind husband to accept that you are never going to please everyone and that in reality the only person he needs to try to please is you, his lovely wife

[fallingwater]

Ugh. Sounds like my husband's family. These types like dragging others into it. Your Aunt should have taken the hint and let it go but she wants more people on her side and enjoys that she has some sort of power to make your step mother n law miserable. Your father n law likes women squabbling over him. I think you and your husband need to have a game plan because once the baby is born, at some point the whole family will be together. Your child's first birthday will be a nightmare if you don't. Stand your ground now. I say make the step mom feel comfortable. Let Aunt J sit this one out.

[CSD610]

Originally Posted by Hobokenkitchen

..... and we could use some help working out whether to respond, or just leave it.

Backstory:

DH's Dad is on marriage number 3 and has had issues with his wife (B). He is the kind of person who takes little responsibility for anything and thinks all his wives are the ones with the problems and his sister 100% agrees with him and thinks he can do no wrong. He complains about his wife to his sister (DH's aunt, J) and has an unfortunate habit of telling each of them what the other has said.

This has lead to issues between the Dad's wife and his sister, culminating in them not speaking after several blow out arguments (that were really bad).

We live pretty close (about an hour) to DH's aunt J & grandmother and DH's Dad comes up to visit them periodically.... and his wife B stays home because she doesn't want to be around his sister. B hasn't joined him on a trip north for at least 3 years due to the rocky relationship as she won't be in the same room as J. J also won't go to visit them because she can't stand B.

DH and I get on fine with everyone. Probably due to my pregnancy, DH's Dad AND HIS WIFE (!) want to come and stay with us next weekend. We are happy about this as it is a big deal for B to agree to come north at all, and it is very unusual for DH's Dad to drive all this way just to see DH and not his Mom and sister.

Today we got a text from J asking when she can come and visit us (she has NEVER come to see us in Philly before, but we have invited her several times). We suggest the weekend after next, and she responds that is possible but can she come the same weekend as DH's Dad and wife.

DH called his Dad and asked and basically his Dad says that B won't come to stay with us if J is there.

So DH responded to his aunt that we are very excited to see her, but that the following weekend would work better.

She texted back asking if that was in addition to next weekend as she really wants to catch up with her brother (who was up visiting her a few months ago, so it's not like it's been a long time since she saw him - she sees far more of him than DH does!).

DH responded that the weekend after would be better so there would be no awkwardness with B.

J responded "You're kidding me right?"

DH responded; "I think they're coming up to sight see so they're going to be out a lot as she's never been to Philly. It's difficult I know.....'

J responded (hours later); "How thoughtful."

I am annoyed at how DH has been somehow put in the middle of this.

I understand that perhaps J feels it is ridiculous that a bunch of adults can't spend time together without it being a problem.... but given the fact that their last meeting ended with an unseemly screaming match, I don't understand why she seems to be feigning ignorance of the whole situation and now appears angry with DH for trying to make B feel at least somewhat comfortable when she comes to stay with us for the first time in years.

There is no way in the world that DH's Dad is going to man up enough to call J and tell her straight that if she insists on coming that B won't, so DH has been left in the position of the bad guy.

Any tips on how to difuse this situation & appease J's obvious annoyance with DH (because nothing is ever her brother's fault, EVER)?

I have pregnancy hormones going on and find the whole situation so foolish that a bunch of 50 and 60 year olds are behaving like a bunch of teenagers, that I feel like telling them just that. However this would probably not help anything, but it makes me sad to see DH struggling with this and worried that his Dad is going to cancel the whole trip if it becomes too difficult. It's sad.

Sorry this is so long and I know it's minor in the scheme of things, but should DH respond to J at all and if so how? Or should we just leave her be for a while to get over it? If she calls DH's Dad, he'll just blame it all on B (and possibly us) so it's now kind of a no win position for DH which is frustrating.

DH is likely to lose patience very soon and tell them all to bugger off.... which might be the best thing at this point! But if we can think of a more graceful way out, that would be better! Any thoughts?

Tell them all to stay home OR to come on the weekends that you originally asked them (planned for them to be there). It is your home and should be at your convenience and you should not allow any of their petty drama to invade your home. If they disagree tell them all to stay home because you do not want the possible fighting/fallout to disrupt your lives and the tranquility of your home.

[Ed_RDNC]

I agree with the others.
Your DH should politely, but FIRMLY and unequivocally tell J that she should not plan on vising during the time Dad and B are visiting.

Have your DH tell J that he is concerned about all the bad blood between J and B and he won't risk upsetting his preg wife (you) by bringing in someone else s disputes into your house.

[himain]

I agree. Your house, your rules. Plus DH should tell everyone to solve this problem on their own. It's not his business and he doesn't want/need to be involved and to grow up and act like adults.

[purehuman]

I don't think your DH is "in the position of the bad guy" at all....more like the position of "peace keeper"....if the others can't get along, he has every right to do what he feels he needs to do to maintain peace and good will in his home....I think he should just (flat out) make the rules....separate visits...and if J can't just honour that one request, that's her problem...and if she really wants to come see you, she'll get over it.

[Hobokenkitchen]

DH responded to J this morning, saying;

"Families are difficult aren't they? We love you all and would love to see you the weekend of the 25th. "

So far no response.

This is her final chance with DH trying to be nice about it. If she comes back with another passive aggressive response then he will lay it on the line.
At least he is 100% sticking to his guns about her not being able to come next weekend.

I hope she does respond to this more positively or I think we will both lose a lot of respect for her which would be a shame.

Thanks so much for all the responses!