U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 02-28-2012, 12:22 AM
 
461 posts, read 671,933 times
Reputation: 1006

Advertisements

I used to be cool with bf's having friends of the opposite sex until I found out years later my boyfriend's supposedly platonic girl friend was still writing him for years after he moved away and was done with college. I came across a shoebox full of letters and nothing was romantic (on his side, well, he knew her before me and never went out with her so...) but she had designs by getting close and gently swaying him on things against me that he should have talked to ME about! See, it's the dynamic and not you exactly that is threatening. I'm not saying you have designs on this girl, it's just the thought that she's sharing more with you (since you've known each other longer) that is threatening. Her boyfriend knows you are closer emotionally than they are and that freaks him out. Yeah, that's insecure but it's normal and sometimes warranted.

Ugh, it's just that creepy, slimey feeling of someone who knows more and shares more with the one you care about. I hate that! I like to think my boyfriend is the closest to me and I don't go blabbing about what goes on even to my closest girl friends.

When there is a thread of intimacy between opposite sexes, then there is always the potential of something more. It happens so it's not crazy for one to think that way. This girl waited years for her opportunity until we broke up. He never went out with her btw. Yet, he withheld from me by using her as a confidant. That is what is threatening to an intimate relationship.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 02-28-2012, 12:31 AM
 
244 posts, read 613,547 times
Reputation: 273
Quote:
Originally Posted by myrevenge View Post
I used to be cool with bf's having friends of the opposite sex until I found out years later my boyfriend's supposedly platonic girl friend was still writing him for years after he moved away and was done with college. I came across a shoebox full of letters and nothing was romantic (on his side, well, he knew her before me and never went out with her so...) but she had designs by getting close and gently swaying him on things against me that he should have talked to ME about! See, it's the dynamic and not you exactly that is threatening. I'm not saying you have designs on this girl, it's just the thought that she's sharing more with you (since you've known each other longer) that is threatening. Her boyfriend knows you are closer emotionally than they are and that freaks him out. Yeah, that's insecure but it's normal and sometimes warranted.

Ugh, it's just that creepy, slimey feeling of someone who knows more and shares more with the one you care about. I hate that! I like to think my boyfriend is the closest to me and I don't go blabbing about what goes on even to my closest girl friends.

When there is a thread of intimacy between opposite sexes, then there is always the potential of something more. It happens so it's not crazy for one to think that way. This girl waited years for her opportunity until we broke up. He never went out with her btw. Yet, he withheld from me by using her as a confidant. That is what is threatening to an intimate relationship.
Oh jeez, I can understand how you feel about that situation . To be honest you are absolutely right about our friendship (we talk about basically everything, relationships, embarrassing moments,etc). She has told me about some things that go on between her and her bf (but nothing too personal but how he treats her, how great he is, and all that good stuff). I think he has a right to be freaked out, but I guess he could easily put those fears to rest once he at least tries to get to know me better.

But yeah, you are right, he has a right to be freaked out, but I guess it just comes with the fact that the role of a bf/gf is similar to that of a "best friend".
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-28-2012, 08:55 AM
 
1,631 posts, read 3,596,486 times
Reputation: 1208
Quote:
Originally Posted by redhead360 View Post
I"m not going through this right now, but I was wondering if anyone who's in a relationship currently, yet has a close friend of the opposite gender?

For example, Tabitha and I are close friends(we've known each other since we started college in 2009). She has been in a relationship with another man for the past year (they started dating last summer), however, her boyfriend freaking hates me. In general,I'm happy for her, he's a nice guy but he tends to get jealous (they argued when he found out she and I were hanging out after classes one day).

I really wanted to ask others with they had dealt with a similar situation(regardless of the position). I just wanted to get other people's thoughts on the matter, do you think it's possible for boyfriend/girlfriend to get along with a best friend?

Share thoughts, it doesn't have to be about my current situation, but I wanted to hear others experiences as well.
Any men will only accept his GF having a best male friend if that male friend is gay. And even then there may be a little bit of jealousy.

Seems normal to me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-28-2012, 02:57 PM
 
Location: US
5,144 posts, read 10,827,691 times
Reputation: 5341
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
Yup, ask "permission" from some jealouis control freak. Not in this or any other lifetime of mine.

oh go burn a bra

Its a simple invite and a question. If he said no, no one said stay with him. Clashing values...duh.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-28-2012, 05:04 PM
 
Location: Oakland, CA
27,145 posts, read 29,578,679 times
Reputation: 26617
In college one of my best friends was a straight guy. (I note this because I also have good male friends that are gay, and of course this is a different dynamic) We were closest when neither of us were seriously involved with anyone. When we were seriously involved with other people, that was pretty much the end of our friendship phase. We'd be closer when were both unattached and this pattern continued for a few years until we were out of touch completely (one of the friendships from that period I really miss).

I do have a couple of good straight male friends now, and we do spend lots of time together whether someone is involved or not. One friend in particular (I have known him around 15 years, but we became better friends after college) has loads of female friends and he spends a little less time with us when he has a girlfriend. It takes him a very long time to introduce us to his girlfriends. But for the purposes of our friendship, we generally do things like go to sporting events and watch action movies.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-28-2012, 05:58 PM
 
19,081 posts, read 21,864,886 times
Reputation: 13432
One of my best friends is a guy. I actually dated him when we first met. He was the man of honor at my wedding. My husband and I do not have a jealousy oriented relationship (thank goodness). We're both chill with each others friends. That's based on the trust we have together, rather than friends.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-02-2012, 04:10 PM
 
1,631 posts, read 3,596,486 times
Reputation: 1208
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn View Post
One of my best friends is a guy. I actually dated him when we first met. He was the man of honor at my wedding. My husband and I do not have a jealousy oriented relationship (thank goodness). We're both chill with each others friends. That's based on the trust we have together, rather than friends.
A jealousy oriented relationship??? Seriously???
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-02-2012, 08:33 PM
 
Location: Chicago
63 posts, read 119,289 times
Reputation: 175
Would the situation be different if the two friends have been friends since infancy/early childhood?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-02-2012, 10:26 PM
 
Location: Somewhere extremely awesome
3,008 posts, read 2,453,333 times
Reputation: 2297
Quote:
Originally Posted by redhead360 View Post
I"m not going through this right now, but I was wondering if anyone who's in a relationship currently, yet has a close friend of the opposite gender?

For example, Tabitha and I are close friends(we've known each other since we started college in 2009). She has been in a relationship with another man for the past year (they started dating last summer), however, her boyfriend freaking hates me. In general,I'm happy for her, he's a nice guy but he tends to get jealous (they argued when he found out she and I were hanging out after classes one day).

I really wanted to ask others with they had dealt with a similar situation(regardless of the position). I just wanted to get other people's thoughts on the matter, do you think it's possible for boyfriend/girlfriend to get along with a best friend?

Share thoughts, it doesn't have to be about my current situation, but I wanted to hear others experiences as well.
Yes, of course it's possible. If you're friends when you're single, you should be able to be friends when you're in relationships as well. Otherwise, it's not really a friendship, and it shouldn't matter if it's opposite sex.

That being said, the fact that you know that "Tabitha" and her boyfriend argued about you is a red flag, assuming she told you. It sounds like she WANTS you to have a negative opinion about him. If that's the case, either she's having issues with her boyfriend - in this case, tread very, very carefully. Or quite possibly, she also WANTS her boyfriend to have a negative opinion about you, and maybe is pitting the two of you against each other (I'm obviously speculating here.) But it sounds like you're doing everything right by being supportive and trying to be friendly with her boyfriend.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top