Financially Supporting a Family Member? (spouse, father, husband, siblings)

[mamacita82]

I need to know where I should draw the line. My husband's mother left her hometown to leave a bad relationship with her husband (hubby's father). Long story short: moved in with one of her children and their spouse. It's been a few months now. Hubby's mother around 60y.o., SAYS she wants a divorce but says no money to get it. Only has about $5000 in bank and expects everyone to pay her bills while she finds the perfect office job. She's in good health. I offered to get her an interview at a high class retail store, just so she can make some money to help with all her bills. She refuses, saying she wants better for herself. I doubt she will find something especially considering the job market and her age. Would you guys help her out financially (with her past due bills, health ins., life ins. etc.)? I don't want to b/c I think it's selfish of her to refuse to get some sort of work while we foot her bills. We have a little extra at the end of the month, but I am trying to save and build towards our future. Why do some people profess they can't find a job, yet aren't willing to eat a piece of humble pie to better their lot in life and get any type of respectable work whether it's scrubbing floors (which is what I do)?

[Capt. Dan]

Given those^^^ circumstances, no, I would not help her pay her bills.

[mco65]

Being that its your mother in law, I can somewhat see your apprehension, I know I would feel that way as well if it were mine.. but I will say this, if it were my MOM, i would absolutely unequivocally help her any way I could.. Your husband might feel the same way. I think you should do what ever you husband wants.. it's his mom and there is nothing he could do for her that could make up for what she has already done for him.. in most cases...

[supernaut112]

Originally Posted by mamacita82

I need to know where I should draw the line. My husband's mother left her hometown to leave a bad relationship with her husband (hubby's father). Long story short: moved in with one of her children and their spouse. It's been a few months now. Hubby's mother around 60y.o., SAYS she wants a divorce but says no money to get it. Only has about $5000 in bank and expects everyone to pay her bills while she finds the perfect office job.

Okay, this right here is the red flag. Your MIL needs to get a job. ANY job. She can continue to pursue the "perfect office job" while she's gainfully employed. But in this economy, beggars can't be choosers.

Please take some advice from someone who "helped" out a friend in a similar position. Friend also looking for "perfect career" while the rest of the friends helped her out. It took her longer than a year to even find a job, as she'd been unemployed for a long time.

If you and your H decide to help, impose the condition that your MIL will apply for and accept the first job that she's remotely qualified for. You have to be brutally honest with her so that she knows her limitations in today's market. And sadly, a lot of employers won't even look at anyone over a certain age.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by mamacita82

I need to know where I should draw the line. My husband's mother left her hometown to leave a bad relationship with her husband (hubby's father). Long story short: moved in with one of her children and their spouse. It's been a few months now. Hubby's mother around 60y.o., SAYS she wants a divorce but says no money to get it. Only has about $5000 in bank and expects everyone to pay her bills while she finds the perfect office job. She's in good health. I offered to get her an interview at a high class retail store, just so she can make some money to help with all her bills. She refuses, saying she wants better for herself. I doubt she will find something especially considering the job market and her age. Would you guys help her out financially (with her past due bills, health ins., life ins. etc.)? I don't want to b/c I think it's selfish of her to refuse to get some sort of work while we foot her bills. We have a little extra at the end of the month, but I am trying to save and build towards our future. Why do some people profess they can't find a job, yet aren't willing to eat a piece of humble pie to better their lot in life and get any type of respectable work whether it's scrubbing floors (which is what I do)?

In situation like this you want to be compassionate and supportive without become an enabler.

But first, get the chip off your shoulder. This is your husbands mother and I'm sure he would appreciate some emotional support himself.

Then encourage him to call a meeting of all siblings and their spouses involved, with the mom.

Brainstorm with her until you can help her come up with a concrete plan that everyone can live with.

Everyone in this story has their own viewpoint, and for all you know she may think YOU are being the selfish one. So don't get caught up in making this some family drama. Let go of your judgemental feelings, or at least keep them to yourself. Concentrate instead of being solution oriented.

[supernaut112]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

Brainstorm with her until you can help her come up with a concrete plan that everyone can live with.

Great advice that needs to be underscored. Your charity does need to have boundaries and conditions so that it doesn't end up financially crippling you or other family members in the long run, and this means taking a close look at what your MIL needs vs. what would be "nice to have."

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

But first, get the chip off your shoulder.

The chip is there for very legitimate reasons.

[WestCobb]

Originally Posted by Capt. Dan

Given those^^^ circumstances, no, I would not help her pay her bills.

I agree with this. If she finds work in a high end retail store demeaning and beneath her, she's not serious about supporting herself. If she were working and still having trouble making ends meet, I would be open to helping her.

[Rakin]

Your 1st obligation is to your immediate family not her. She sounds like someone that will always be back wanting more and has a sense of "You owe me".

While it's sad when a kid is like that, it's pathetic when a 60 year old person is that way. Be prepared for the fallout when you say no but I would and it will not be great loss.

[virgode]

I'd quit my job scrubbing floors and paying her bills and insist on 'wanting something better for myself'.

If your husband wants to support her, let him, but I wouldn't.