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Old 03-15-2012, 12:48 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
44,796 posts, read 56,113,734 times
Reputation: 37803

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainbow Connection View Post
"I also find it strange the woman who asked the other to cut ties with mom (and the other not complying) was keeping track of mom's health more than the other to whom the mom was allegedly sweet to. You'd think people communicate with quills and flying doves in this age.
************************************************** *********
@currency pair crocodile
OH NO! my sister has NEVER kept track of mom's health. didn't really care. that day my sister got a call later from her daughter to say my mom's condition was WORSE. yet she STILL did not call me.
which is why it bothered me so much. she said herself she would wait to see if my mom's condition would get worse. that was her excuse for not calling me. but i didn't make it clear that was just a CROCK!

her excuse at the hospital. she did call me after 4 hours had past. by then i was already at the hospital.
but i found out today, the only reason she called was because my nephew who asked for my number (remember my sister said she would call me for him) called back to see why i wasn't there yet. my sister told my nephew she "forgot to call me " ????????????????????????? but would call now.

i never would have gotten her message anyway. i was gone!
I understand how angry and frustrated you are

Again, is your sister mentally unstable or does she have some kind of personality disorder?

Not that that would excuse what she did, but it might explain it.

Here's the thing...try to accept that you are NEVER going to get a satisfactory answer from her about "why" she did this. And she is likely NEVER going to apologize to you for it. The sooner you get that, the better off you are going to be emotionally.

In addition, you mom is in a place now where she knows all that happened and sees how you are struggling. Talk to her. Cry it out with her. She is there listening and watching even if she can't let you know that. You CAN resolve your feelings directly with her, you don't need all this drama with your sister, okay?

Take good care of yourself and focus on that
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Old 03-15-2012, 12:51 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
12,025 posts, read 12,396,772 times
Reputation: 13428
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainbow Connection View Post
"I also find it strange the woman who asked the other to cut ties with mom (and the other not complying) was keeping track of mom's health more than the other to whom the mom was allegedly sweet to. You'd think people communicate with quills and flying doves in this age.
************************************************** *********
@currency pair crocodile
OH NO! my sister has NEVER kept track of mom's health. didn't really care. that day my sister got a call later from her daughter to say my mom's condition was WORSE. yet she STILL did not call me.
which is why it bothered me so much. she said herself she would wait to see if my mom's condition would get worse. that was her excuse for not calling me. but i didn't make it clear that was just a CROCK!

her excuse at the hospital. she did call me after 4 hours had past. by then i was already at the hospital.
but i found out today, the only reason she called was because my nephew who asked for my number (remember my sister said she would call me for him) called back to see why i wasn't there yet. my sister told my nephew she "forgot to call me " ????????????????????????? but would call now.

i never would have gotten her message anyway. i was gone!
From the information you've posted in previous threads about your relationship with this sister and her ability to keep you and your mother divided prior to her death, it was her modus operandi. I understand why you're hurt, you shouldn't be at all surprised by her actions.

Shes not a nice person with an agenda of her own and perhaps mental health problems. Your mother knows you cared about her. My condolences on the loss.
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Old 03-15-2012, 01:21 PM
 
Location: NEK
1,050 posts, read 1,015,874 times
Reputation: 1352
I am so horribly sorry for you..........I hope you found a way prior to death to find peace with your Mom ...even if only within yourself. Horrid people will be that way and you can't change/understand them. Look back to a shared moment with your Mom that you both "connected"...no matter how long ago. Look to that and not to the recent shallowness of family members. Their actions will rob you of peace and memories you cherish. Dig DEEP and keep those!

For future reference? Blood does not make someone "family" and your close friends are the family you choose. Peace to you and I wish you the best possible grasp in understanding the worst of human behavior. Even still, you don't have to "understand" just accept what "is" no matter how painful. I am again so sorry for your loss and experience with hatefulness.
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Old 03-15-2012, 01:26 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,023 posts, read 14,198,739 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainbow Connection View Post
"I also find it strange the woman who asked the other to cut ties with mom (and the other not complying) was keeping track of mom's health more than the other to whom the mom was allegedly sweet to. You'd think people communicate with quills and flying doves in this age.
************************************************** *********
@currency pair crocodile
OH NO! my sister has NEVER kept track of mom's health. didn't really care. that day my sister got a call later from her daughter to say my mom's condition was WORSE. yet she STILL did not call me.
which is why it bothered me so much. she said herself she would wait to see if my mom's condition would get worse. that was her excuse for not calling me. but i didn't make it clear that was just a CROCK!

her excuse at the hospital. she did call me after 4 hours had past. by then i was already at the hospital.
but i found out today, the only reason she called was because my nephew who asked for my number (remember my sister said she would call me for him) called back to see why i wasn't there yet. my sister told my nephew she "forgot to call me " ????????????????????????? but would call now.

i never would have gotten her message anyway. i was gone!
My only beef is that it's "your" damn mother and you just can't expect to be informed of her progress or lack there of from other people.

I keep track of my mother and I always am the first to know and she lives in a wholly different continent.

I assume she was living within the same country? Place a wreath on her memorial and apologize for collectively letting her down.
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Old 03-15-2012, 03:45 PM
 
9,717 posts, read 6,810,816 times
Reputation: 9780
Don't let the memory of your mother be tainted by your sisters poor behaviour.....you knew how she felt about her.....sorry for your loss.
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Old 03-15-2012, 03:55 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
5,713 posts, read 3,707,926 times
Reputation: 9724
I am so sorry for your loss.

When my mother passed away 20 years ago I found a book that was very helpful to me by explaining the grieving process and how it progressed in the months after a death or tragedy. It also gave stategies to help you learn to live with your loss. Perhaps, Living Through Personal Crisis by Ann Kaiser Sterns would be helpful to you as well.

Take good care of yourself in this difficult time.
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Old 03-15-2012, 04:21 PM
 
Location: John & Ken-ville
12,816 posts, read 8,935,567 times
Reputation: 8435
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainbow Connection View Post
have been struggling so much with this. To the point where I literally feel so stressed and feel like I am losing my mind.

My Mother died 3 weeks ago. There so many layers to this. this not an exaggeration when I tell you my sister is EXTREMELY controlling. And really not a nice person. She does not want friends because people bother her and get on her nerves. My sister never really like our Mom, because she says our Mom liked our other sisters more than she and I. Yet mom was so kind to us. and very sweet to my sister and me. My sister has been upset with me for the past 3 months because I refused to treat our Mom badly. We have not spoken for 3 months because she cut me off because i refused to cut ties with our mom. which is what SHE wanted me to do! she says " i just don't get it! she does more for them than us! why do you still call her and give her so much attention. in the meantime my mom has been treating me so sweetly.

The day my Mother died, I got a call from my nephew saying to get to the hospital as soon as possible. Said my mom was there and "it is not looking good". i raced out the house. flagged a neigbor down to take me.I arrived at the hospital just 5 mintues before mom died. when i got there she was gone. she had passed away only minutes before i arrived. this was about 11:30 in the am. i immediately got a cell phone and as i was ready my sister's numbe.r my nephew said she was called before my mom got in the ambulance. so that she could rush to the hospital, being that was her her Mom. here i was thinking my nephew called her when he called me. My sister finally arrived around 3:00.

she said my aunt called her a little before 8:30. i was flabbergasted. i said "if you knew that early, why didn't you call me" she said "well i was just waiting to see if she was going to get worse". mom wasn't breathing and an ambulance was called. how much serious condition
did she need??!!!

when my nephew called my sister and asked for my number so he could call me at when he knew and my sister said "oh don't worry. i can call her"
I can imagine how awful it is for you losing your mother. Mine is not in the best of health and I am grateful for every day I have with her.

If I had a sister who was a control freak, and withheld information from me about our Mother I would be beyond livid.

But I'm wondering why you're blaming your sister, and why your Aunt only chose to call your sister was your Aunt aware of your sister's nature?

Knowing how controlling your sister is, it makes sense that she try to control how you were given information about your Mother.

Honestly, I think your Aunt should have called you as well.

What you need to know at this time is that your Mother KNOWS what you had to do to be there for her at the hospital, you shouldn't blame anyone for not arriving before she passed away. She knows you were there. It's probably not worth arguing for the next 30 years with your controlling sister about that situation either.

I hope fond memories of your Mother are enough to comfort you at this difficult time.
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Old 03-15-2012, 04:34 PM
 
Location: Southern California
890 posts, read 1,513,465 times
Reputation: 755
Sorry for your loss.

Your worth to yourself is not determined by others, even a missed phone call.

The relationship you have with your mother has its own worth to you regardless of other people's actions or inaction.

Do not regret this 4 hours, because of whatever circumstance, to summarize a life time of memories made with your mother. You are grieving, and perhaps coping by being more harder on yourself because of possible regrets. Life happens, and you learn to move on with the treasured memories and forgiven pasts.
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Old 03-15-2012, 06:43 PM
 
366 posts, read 341,598 times
Reputation: 448
Default Dude; my sister is just as mental

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainbow Connection View Post
have been struggling so much with this. To the point where I literally feel so stressed and feel like I am losing my mind.

My Mother died 3 weeks ago. There so many layers to this. this not an exaggeration when I tell you my sister is EXTREMELY controlling. And really not a nice person. She does not want friends because people bother her and get on her nerves. My sister never really like our Mom, because she says our Mom liked our other sisters more than she and I. Yet mom was so kind to us. and very sweet to my sister and me. My sister has been upset with me for the past 3 months because I refused to treat our Mom badly. We have not spoken for 3 months because she cut me off because i refused to cut ties with our mom. which is what SHE wanted me to do! she says " i just don't get it! she does more for them than us! why do you still call her and give her so much attention. in the meantime my mom has been treating me so sweetly.

The day my Mother died, I got a call from my nephew saying to get to the hospital as soon as possible. Said my mom was there and "it is not looking good". i raced out the house. flagged a neigbor down to take me.I arrived at the hospital just 5 mintues before mom died. when i got there she was gone. she had passed away only minutes before i arrived. this was about 11:30 in the am. i immediately got a cell phone and as i was ready my sister's numbe.r my nephew said she was called before my mom got in the ambulance. so that she could rush to the hospital, being that was her her Mom. here i was thinking my nephew called her when he called me. My sister finally arrived around 3:00.


I will get to my point. when my sister arrived, she was very shocked that i was there. she said she had left a message for me. that was almost 4 hours after she found out. her messge was "mom is in the hospital and it is not looking good. the ambulance took her early this morning, and she was slurring her words, and not breathing much and they think she had a stroke". she said it was not looking good on the message. nut by then i had left. i asked my sister when she found out mom was going to the hospital. she said my aunt called her a little before 8:30. i was flabbergasted. i said "if you knew that early, why didn't you call me" she said "well i was just waiting to see if she was going to get worse". mom wasn't breathing and an ambulance was called. how much serious condition
did she need??!!!


i told my sister I should have been called when my sister found out early in the morning. she is my mom. and i am her daughter. the fact that she wasn't breathing and an ambulance was called, should have been enough. She said "well like i said i was waiting to see if things would get worse for her before i called you." she waited so long... god forgive me.. the thought
crossed my mind that she did it to not only rob me of the chance to say goodbye. But also because of her feelings for my mom,decided she would not give my mom the pleasure of seeing me one last time. because up until her death she was weak but speaking barely, but asking for me.
My other relatives said my sister sounded so suprised and almost dissapointed that i was there when she saw me at the hospital - said HOW DID YOU GET HERE ???!! with sort of the same diction you would say when you say "why did you steal my keys! . i didn't get to say goodbye to my mom. my other relatives were there around 9:00. raced there as soon as they knew. when my nephew called my sister and asked for my number so he could call me at when he knew and my sister said "oh don't worry. i can call her"


we still don't know if she didn't tell me to get back at me for not agreeing with her. or just the control freak she always is, decided to tell me when SHE wanted to. I told her I should have been contacted right away,and she had no right to choose for me when to go to the hospital. that decision should have been up to me! and not her choice to wait. yet she made that decision for me. again. our mother left in an ambulance in serious condition. what more did she need!!! she controlled the situation.
and i am left mind confused, and angry. She robbed me of getting the chance to say goodbye to mom. And also robbed our mom to say goodbye to me.


this has really messed me up because i cannnot process how a sister could do such a thing. and also messed up because it haunts me daily .she had been sick. and i always thought saying goodbye to my mom was what wanted more than anything in my life that is important to me.


Having the chance to say goodbye to my mom whenever she passed away was golden to me
Fortunately, my mother is still with us, but my sister is a 51yo prima dona who has a messed up attitude just like your sis. What can you do? I suppose my sister will eventually realize what an ass she's been once my folks have passed, but until then I'm going to distance my self from her. I would recommend you do the same in order to protect your sanity.
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Old 04-03-2012, 11:05 PM
 
4 posts, read 1,257 times
Reputation: 10
Wants all Your love for herself, because you are close to her and not your late mom.
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