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Old 03-14-2012, 07:23 PM
 
37 posts, read 226,637 times
Reputation: 98

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have been struggling so much with this. To the point where I literally feel so stressed and feel like I am losing my mind.

My Mother died 3 weeks ago. There so many layers to this. this not an exaggeration when I tell you my sister is EXTREMELY controlling. And really not a nice person. She does not want friends because people bother her and get on her nerves. My sister never really like our Mom, because she says our Mom liked our other sisters more than she and I. Yet mom was so kind to us. and very sweet to my sister and me. My sister has been upset with me for the past 3 months because I refused to treat our Mom badly. We have not spoken for 3 months because she cut me off because i refused to cut ties with our mom. which is what SHE wanted me to do! she says " i just don't get it! she does more for them than us! why do you still call her and give her so much attention. in the meantime my mom has been treating me so sweetly.

The day my Mother died, I got a call from my nephew saying to get to the hospital as soon as possible. Said my mom was there and "it is not looking good". i raced out the house. flagged a neigbor down to take me.I arrived at the hospital just 5 mintues before mom died. when i got there she was gone. she had passed away only minutes before i arrived. this was about 11:30 in the am. i immediately got a cell phone and as i was ready my sister's numbe.r my nephew said she was called before my mom got in the ambulance. so that she could rush to the hospital, being that was her her Mom. here i was thinking my nephew called her when he called me. My sister finally arrived around 3:00.


I will get to my point. when my sister arrived, she was very shocked that i was there. she said she had left a message for me. that was almost 4 hours after she found out. her messge was "mom is in the hospital and it is not looking good. the ambulance took her early this morning, and she was slurring her words, and not breathing much and they think she had a stroke". she said it was not looking good on the message. nut by then i had left. i asked my sister when she found out mom was going to the hospital. she said my aunt called her a little before 8:30. i was flabbergasted. i said "if you knew that early, why didn't you call me" she said "well i was just waiting to see if she was going to get worse". mom wasn't breathing and an ambulance was called. how much serious condition
did she need??!!!


i told my sister I should have been called when my sister found out early in the morning. she is my mom. and i am her daughter. the fact that she wasn't breathing and an ambulance was called, should have been enough. She said "well like i said i was waiting to see if things would get worse for her before i called you." she waited so long... god forgive me.. the thought
crossed my mind that she did it to not only rob me of the chance to say goodbye. But also because of her feelings for my mom,decided she would not give my mom the pleasure of seeing me one last time. because up until her death she was weak but speaking barely, but asking for me.
My other relatives said my sister sounded so suprised and almost dissapointed that i was there when she saw me at the hospital - said HOW DID YOU GET HERE ???!! with sort of the same diction you would say when you say "why did you steal my keys! . i didn't get to say goodbye to my mom. my other relatives were there around 9:00. raced there as soon as they knew. when my nephew called my sister and asked for my number so he could call me at when he knew and my sister said "oh don't worry. i can call her"


we still don't know if she didn't tell me to get back at me for not agreeing with her. or just the control freak she always is, decided to tell me when SHE wanted to. I told her I should have been contacted right away,and she had no right to choose for me when to go to the hospital. that decision should have been up to me! and not her choice to wait. yet she made that decision for me. again. our mother left in an ambulance in serious condition. what more did she need!!! she controlled the situation.
and i am left mind confused, and angry. She robbed me of getting the chance to say goodbye to mom. And also robbed our mom to say goodbye to me.


this has really messed me up because i cannnot process how a sister could do such a thing. and also messed up because it haunts me daily .she had been sick. and i always thought saying goodbye to my mom was what wanted more than anything in my life that is important to me.


Having the chance to say goodbye to my mom whenever she passed away was golden to me
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Old 03-14-2012, 07:38 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,370,072 times
Reputation: 40197
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss

Please understand that right now your emotions are very raw and you are grieving deeply - EVERYTHING hurts worse at this moment. Try to do what you can to stay calm and not overly agitated.

I strongly suspect your sister is mentally ill, not just "controlling". Have you ever wondered about that yourself?
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Old 03-14-2012, 07:54 PM
 
16,235 posts, read 25,099,758 times
Reputation: 27047
First, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing your Mother is one of the hardest losses imo.
I think you have to let go of this situation w/ your Sister, it is too much to deal with. Right now you need to grieve for your Mother. I know there are some wonderful grief and loss websites on the net. Do a search when you are up to it, and find some web pages that deal w/ grief and loss and also search for bereavement These are some reeally hard things to go through, and since you and your Mom have at least sometime been estranged, it may make it harder due to unresolved issues. Don't spend time hating your Sister right now...Think of yourself right now. It was nice that your Nephew called you. I do hope you'll look for the websites, they will help. There will also be places on some of those pages for you to write and discuss your feelings w/ others who also are grieving. Here are a few, my favorite one is lighting a candle..
Grief Pray Love: Light a candle in remembrance for the one ...

Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement

Grief Poems, Articles & Memoirs | Grief Loss and RecoveryLoss, Change & Grief

Grief & Loss-Health - Beliefnet.com - Inspiration ...

Grief and Loss.org Dealing With Loss Grief Symptoms Grief ...
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Old 03-14-2012, 08:00 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,711 posts, read 11,701,810 times
Reputation: 7604
I'm sorry to hear about your mother's passing, my mom died in August...it's been very difficult.....I also have a control freak sister and we do not get along that well.

Anyways, your sister had NO right to play this situation out the way that she did. You have every right to be angry! If she really did decide not to tell you because of some other irrelevant disagreement, that is really *smh*. Some people will play games like this, it's sad but true. She made a bad situation worse and if I were you I would definitely tell her about what she did and distance myself from her for awhile if not permanently. Handle her 'in your own time,' just like she did with you.
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Old 03-14-2012, 08:17 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,284 posts, read 12,884,043 times
Reputation: 8956
So sorry for your loss. I would also take the focus off of your sister and do what you can to grieve your mom - you could work with a grief therapist or you could write a letter to your mom - telling her everything you want to say - you could erect an altar to her with pictures and stuff and light a candle and put your letter on the altar . . . there are many ways to process unfinished business . . . there is nothing that can be done about what your sister did . . . it was poor judgment on her part at the very least.
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Old 03-14-2012, 08:32 PM
 
3,494 posts, read 4,656,689 times
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tl;dr
but,
people are bound to act weird when someone they care about suddenly dies.
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Old 03-14-2012, 09:41 PM
 
Location: In bucolic TN
1,706 posts, read 3,293,333 times
Reputation: 2412
You can still say good-bye. Write a letter and read it aloud in one of your Mom's favorite spaces. Burn it with fire to send it to her on the billows of smoke. Apologize that you missed out, but tell her it wasn't your intention. Don't mention your sister as much as you talk about your love for her and appreciation for what she gave you. Visit this place as often as you need. She passed a divide which we can't access, but she can access us.

On the other hand there are parts of your relationship with your sister you'll never cross again. She'll likely be cut from your life. She won't have that control if you have a network among relatives that exclude her desire to influence your life. Repeat any story you need with a counselor; you need to know there was nothing, and I mean nothing you could do to control this issue, and like so many things in life, this was a situation beyond your control, including her death. A counselor will get you through this last part. Ministers, hospitals, and some organizations (funeral homes) provide grief group services. Most are free and are run by capable clinicians.

I was not informed of my mother's passing in May, 2008 until she had passed through the crematory and her ashes were picked up at the funeral home. I was 3K miles away. I have spoken with her since then, and while it is mostly one-sided, there are times I swear I can still hear her laughing, and still see her effect in my environment. And MUCH has occurred over time and place since her passing.

I wish you well in your search for completion. This is a wound which will close, but the scar will always remain; you won't feel pain any longer, but you will know a piece of you is has been taken, and it will never again be filled. DM if needed. I care.
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Old 03-15-2012, 08:33 AM
 
Location: Virginia
142 posts, read 504,615 times
Reputation: 336
Something very similar happened to me with my Dad. I knew he was sick, but I did not know he was dying. I saw him the weekend before he died. He went downhill the following week, and hospice was called in. I never knew. My mother did not call me until after he had passed, although my brother was kept informed the entire time and got to spend time with him until the end. That was almost five years ago. I am still not over it, and I will never forgive my mother for that.
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Old 03-15-2012, 08:45 AM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,012 posts, read 29,625,657 times
Reputation: 11309
Too much sister drama. I also find it strange the woman who asked the other to cut ties with mom (and the other not complying) was keeping track of mom's health more than the other to whom the mom was allegedly sweet to. You'd think people communicate with quills and flying doves in this age.
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Old 03-15-2012, 11:33 AM
 
37 posts, read 226,637 times
Reputation: 98
"I also find it strange the woman who asked the other to cut ties with mom (and the other not complying) was keeping track of mom's health more than the other to whom the mom was allegedly sweet to. You'd think people communicate with quills and flying doves in this age.
************************************************** *********
@currency pair crocodile
OH NO! my sister has NEVER kept track of mom's health. didn't really care. that day my sister got a call later from her daughter to say my mom's condition was WORSE. yet she STILL did not call me.
which is why it bothered me so much. she said herself she would wait to see if my mom's condition would get worse. that was her excuse for not calling me. but i didn't make it clear that was just a CROCK!

her excuse at the hospital. she did call me after 4 hours had past. by then i was already at the hospital.
but i found out today, the only reason she called was because my nephew who asked for my number (remember my sister said she would call me for him) called back to see why i wasn't there yet. my sister told my nephew she "forgot to call me " ????????????????????????? but would call now.

i never would have gotten her message anyway. i was gone!
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