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Old 03-21-2012, 10:57 PM
 
Location: South Florida
315 posts, read 397,978 times
Reputation: 162

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Hello everyone, I thought I'd share with you guys on an important decision I am about to make. So a little background about my living situation: I live in a small 2 bedroom 2 bathroom with my family. My mom, dad, and sister. I am 24 years old and recently graduated college. I share a room as of now with my sister and it has been too much (going on 3 years). By now I probably should have made my mind to move out because I am really craving independence. I felt though that going to college and trying to keep up with a place of my own would be bad on my studies so I told myself not to look yet for anything.

So I graduated in August of last year. At that time I had no idea what to do, I felt quite optimistic about the future though. During that time I decided to obtain my TEFL certification so that I could possibly teach English abroad. I have been looking into teaching English abroad for quite a while now but nothing is really happening with that.

So now I am here kind of stuck on what I should do. I do not want to keep looking for a job teaching abroad while I am not so comfortable under my own roof. I do not only want independence but also privacy from my dad from that matter. My parents are getting older and I could see that they have no consideration. The house is small to begin with and they start to make loud noises at like 6am causing me to wake up and at that point I cannot go back to sleep. My dad gets angry sometimes and will be overly critical about things going on in my life and they are both very nosy about what goes on in my life. I understand that they are my parents and it is their roof that I am living under but I don't think it could get that much worse.

So this leads to the situation with my sister..
She feels that same way about living with our parents so I think that what would be best for us is to move out.
Problem is with both our salaries we could only afford an efficiency where we live due to high cost of living. We actually looked at a place which is connected to a house. We really like the space and it is super big..but it is an efficiency. The space is big enough for dividers and whatnot.

Do you think I would be jumping into this? Currently my job is not too great but I have my college degree in check and I just started the job hunt around the area we like.

But this is not the only problem, I'll still be sharing a room with my sister..
The upside is that we both work so we wont see each other all the time.
I also enjoy going to the gym and she does not so that will also keep me a little separated from her. Honestly I don't have that much of a social life and I don't have that many friends for that matter, neither does she so we end up doing something together. Don't get me wrong I love my sister but to see her constantly is kind of a pain.
I'd love to meet new people and create my own social circle and I think if I had that then I would be ok with living with my sister like that.
This is surely not a permanent thing and luckily it is rent so what are your guy's thoughts?

I am sorry for rambling on random stuff but I need you all to see the big picture.
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Old 03-21-2012, 11:26 PM
 
Location: Oakland, CA
17,332 posts, read 12,290,868 times
Reputation: 12864
My sister moved in with me when she moved back to my area after living in another city. I live in a studio apartment, but I have 2 beds.

We set a time limit for her to move out. And a rent schedule. And created some rules on household chores. She moved out after 6 months and now we live 7 blocks apart in roughly the same neighborhood.

My sister and I have different eating habits, and different needs for socialization. So make sure you know and have rules around quiet time, friends over etc. Also be prepared to create a "3rd place" for yourself. So you can spend time in cafe, bookstore.....so you'll have time apart.

Also develop some separate interests and your own circle of friends. My sister was hanging out with me and my friends all the time, and she felt a little weird until she developed her own separate social circle (I am invited to hang out with her of course).
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Old 03-22-2012, 01:56 AM
 
Location: Southern Oregon
4,100 posts, read 3,210,664 times
Reputation: 5497
Default Living in close proximity with a sibling...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ybflady13 View Post
Hello everyone, I thought I'd share with you guys on an important decision I am about to make. So a little background about my living situation: I live in a small 2 bedroom 2 bathroom with my family. My mom, dad, and sister. I am 24 years old and recently graduated college. I share a room as of now with my sister and it has been too much (going on 3 years). By now I probably should have made my mind to move out because I am really craving independence. I felt though that going to college and trying to keep up with a place of my own would be bad on my studies so I told myself not to look yet for anything.

So I graduated in August of last year. At that time I had no idea what to do, I felt quite optimistic about the future though. During that time I decided to obtain my TEFL certification so that I could possibly teach English abroad. I have been looking into teaching English abroad for quite a while now but nothing is really happening with that.

So now I am here kind of stuck on what I should do. I do not want to keep looking for a job teaching abroad while I am not so comfortable under my own roof. I do not only want independence but also privacy from my dad from that matter. My parents are getting older and I could see that they have no consideration. The house is small to begin with and they start to make loud noises at like 6am causing me to wake up and at that point I cannot go back to sleep. My dad gets angry sometimes and will be overly critical about things going on in my life and they are both very nosy about what goes on in my life. I understand that they are my parents and it is their roof that I am living under but I don't think it could get that much worse.

So this leads to the situation with my sister..
She feels that same way about living with our parents so I think that what would be best for us is to move out.
Problem is with both our salaries we could only afford an efficiency where we live due to high cost of living. We actually looked at a place which is connected to a house. We really like the space and it is super big..but it is an efficiency. The space is big enough for dividers and whatnot.

Do you think I would be jumping into this? Currently my job is not too great but I have my college degree in check and I just started the job hunt around the area we like.

But this is not the only problem, I'll still be sharing a room with my sister..
The upside is that we both work so we wont see each other all the time.
I also enjoy going to the gym and she does not so that will also keep me a little separated from her. Honestly I don't have that much of a social life and I don't have that many friends for that matter, neither does she so we end up doing something together. Don't get me wrong I love my sister but to see her constantly is kind of a pain.
I'd love to meet new people and create my own social circle and I think if I had that then I would be ok with living with my sister like that.
This is surely not a permanent thing and luckily it is rent so what are your guy's thoughts?

I am sorry for rambling on random stuff but I need you all to see the big picture.

You are 24 years old, graduated from college last August and still living at home? I don't blame your parents for making loud noises at 6 AM, if I were them I would be getting you out of bed to find a job and move out of my house. They have ever right to stick their noses into your business, you are costing them money and their privacy. As far as living with your sister, you have been doing that for three years. Sooner or later one of you will grow up and want to be on your own.
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Old 03-22-2012, 04:27 AM
 
Location: The Great State of Arkansas
5,982 posts, read 11,108,374 times
Reputation: 7258
She and her sister are working, Nite Ryder - it's in the first post - or at least that's the way I'm reading it.

I guess my first question is what type job you have, OP, and do you have enough to exist on for sure if you move in with your sister? How old is your sister? does she have a job that provides some job security and potential for advancement, and do you? I know you are in south Florida, but I guess I'm a little lost on why, with both of you working, you can only afford an efficiency unless you're living directly on the beach. If you are working now, have you saved any money to fall back on? Trust me, you will need a "fall back" fund. I guess you are working some type of job as you look for a job in the field specific to your degree. Lots of us did that.

If you want independence and privacy, you may have to pay for it - and the hard way. We all did it, you can too. Work a second job if you have to. Be aware - you will have all the independence and privacy you want, you just won't care because you'll be tired. Get a job as a private tutor teaching ESL. Forget "abroad" for right now - get a job that will take care of you and then worry about the dream job. The experience can only be a good thing on a future resume.

My advice, if your parents will go for it, is to work two jobs, bank money like crazy, and continue to look for a "real" job that will support you independently while you look for a place of your own. If you do all of that you won't have time to worry about what your parents are doing or not doing, and most likely you will be up by 6 a.m. anyway. And put yourself on a specific timeline - 6 months, 3 months, whatever. Set a goal and stick to it.

In the meantime, here's the reality of the situation...you are in your parents' home. They do not owe you the courtesy of tiptoeing around so you can sleep or because you need quiet time. If the parental units bother you that badly, it is up to YOU to change the situation. Chances are they are not going to adjust their lives to accommodate you. I assure you, they sort of had a dream too - the dream that when you graduated you would move out. The up side is that on your own you can set your schedule any way you want to and not have to answer to anyone. The down side is you will be responsible for everything, from utilities to groceries to rent to car repairs to lousy neighbors who make noise at 6 a.m., to....well, everything. Freedom comes with a price. If you're willing to pay the price, it's yours. Otherwise, you have to put up and shut up.

You don't have to live with your sister. Look for a roommate or that tiny efficiency you can afford on your own. Otherwise, accept that you are simply moving you and your sister to a larger apartment for the time being and that later there will be time for even more independence. Either way, get out of your parents' house sooner rather than later. It's time.
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Old 03-22-2012, 05:13 AM
 
24,548 posts, read 14,912,252 times
Reputation: 24982
I literally got up from the dinner table once and walked out. I was 18 years old. I found an apartment up above a store and paid for college myself. But there are sacrifices you need to be willing to make to get what you want. I had 3 jobs, I didn't have cable, my car was lent to me by my uncle and it was so bad there was a bungie cord holding the passenger side door shut. So, I biked it to school many times.

All to often in these types of situations I see people who want out of bad situation, but don't want to make any sacrifices to get it. Take a step back and write down all your expenses and then line by line ask yourself if they are wants or needs and get rid of all the 'wants'. I get so frustrated with people with this stuff - they want it both ways.

My older brother and I have different relationships with my father. He wants a relationship with him and I haven't seen him in over 11 years. We don't agree with each other, but we respect each other's choices. In a nutshell, my dad gave my brother a lot and paid for his college tuition and they worked together. I was in a position to tell him to shut his pie hole, but my brother wasn't - it was like indentured servitude. We have another brother, but he was born 10 years after me. He, too, had the I want it all ways attitude. He doesn't like my dad, but would always go over there to use their computer - the reason? He was purchasing clothes and things from very expensive catalogs and using my dad's credit card to do it, like my older brother did, and then refused to do a damn thing about it and constantly complained about what an ass my dad was and I told him, "You can't have it both ways. You can't use his credit cards and turn around and tell him to go to hell on your way out the door." His constant whining about my dad - I wanted to slap him upside the head. If you don't want someone meddling in your life, only YOU can do something about it and if you really, really want it you'll make a lot of temporary sacrifices to get it. Too many people don't.
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Old 03-22-2012, 05:19 AM
 
Location: The Great State of Arkansas
5,982 posts, read 11,108,374 times
Reputation: 7258
Thursday, the charge on my rep wand has run out - but thank you - yes, you GET IT! We work nonstop in life for those things that are truly important to us, and we sacrifice whatever we need to in order to make it all work in our best interests. The only entitlement we feel is the right to do things our own way, with the understanding that nothing is free and we are "entitled" to nothing in this world by virtue of birth or birth order, education, personality, or even our existence on the planet.
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Old 03-22-2012, 11:38 AM
 
9,717 posts, read 7,004,206 times
Reputation: 9788
ybflady13....I think you should definately move out of your parents home and share somewhere else with your sister....I think your parents would probably breathe a BIG sigh of relief...especially knowing they can begin their day early without worrying that YOU may take offence.
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Old 03-22-2012, 01:44 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
13,781 posts, read 11,001,679 times
Reputation: 23443
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam I Am View Post
We work nonstop in life for those things that are truly important to us, and we sacrifice whatever we need to in order to make it all work in our best interests.
You have been "looking into" teaching abroad for this long, but "nothing is happening."

That's because you are not truly feeling enough "pain," figuratively speaking, to make you really work and get a job that will support you well enough that you don't have to live in an efficiency with your sister.

I'm not making a character judgment here. Family is family, and if you've been able to stay at home, that's great.

But I would venture that your mom and dad buy all the groceries and provide the meals like they did when you and your sister were in elementary school. So the sacrifices you are having to make aren't truly sacrifices. You have all your basic needs covered,and you are not really feeling the kind of pressure to seriously get that good-paying job that true hunger or past-due bills would put on you. Because you know that at the end of the day, you will eat and you will have a warm bed - thanks to your parents.

Yes, you and your sister should get the efficiency. You should both draw up whatever agreement you need to make it livable, then you need to work as much as you can to save up and support yourself.

It won't happen until you make it happen.
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Old 03-22-2012, 02:17 PM
 
Location: South Florida
315 posts, read 397,978 times
Reputation: 162
Quote:
Originally Posted by jade408 View Post
My sister moved in with me when she moved back to my area after living in another city. I live in a studio apartment, but I have 2 beds.

We set a time limit for her to move out. And a rent schedule. And created some rules on household chores. She moved out after 6 months and now we live 7 blocks apart in roughly the same neighborhood.

My sister and I have different eating habits, and different needs for socialization. So make sure you know and have rules around quiet time, friends over etc. Also be prepared to create a "3rd place" for yourself. So you can spend time in cafe, bookstore.....so you'll have time apart.

Also develop some separate interests and your own circle of friends. My sister was hanging out with me and my friends all the time, and she felt a little weird until she developed her own separate social circle (I am invited to hang out with her of course).
I see that your sister might've been a pain to live with like being right on top of you. The more I think about it, I have a gut feeling that just sharing an efficiency with her is not a good idea. She has no problem hanging around me all the time, but for me..I like my space.. and I need privacy. I should be more realistic before jumping into this.
With the same friends thing, that's how we are right now. Oh how I'd love to have my own social circle! I want it bad!
Thanks for responding.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nite Ryder View Post
You are 24 years old, graduated from college last August and still living at home? I don't blame your parents for making loud noises at 6 AM, if I were them I would be getting you out of bed to find a job and move out of my house. They have ever right to stick their noses into your business, you are costing them money and their privacy. As far as living with your sister, you have been doing that for three years. Sooner or later one of you will grow up and want to be on your own.
So I graduated from college last August, I was focused on other things at the time and had no realization up until now that finding a better a job is very important (I do have a job right now, the pay aint that great). My sister actually wants to move as bad as I want to but she thinks the only way we could make it is get an efficiency, but I don't think that is realistic.
Thanks for responding.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam I Am View Post
She and her sister are working, Nite Ryder - it's in the first post - or at least that's the way I'm reading it.

I guess my first question is what type job you have, OP, and do you have enough to exist on for sure if you move in with your sister? How old is your sister? does she have a job that provides some job security and potential for advancement, and do you? I know you are in south Florida, but I guess I'm a little lost on why, with both of you working, you can only afford an efficiency unless you're living directly on the beach. If you are working now, have you saved any money to fall back on? Trust me, you will need a "fall back" fund. I guess you are working some type of job as you look for a job in the field specific to your degree. Lots of us did that.

If you want independence and privacy, you may have to pay for it - and the hard way. We all did it, you can too. Work a second job if you have to. Be aware - you will have all the independence and privacy you want, you just won't care because you'll be tired. Get a job as a private tutor teaching ESL. Forget "abroad" for right now - get a job that will take care of you and then worry about the dream job. The experience can only be a good thing on a future resume.

My advice, if your parents will go for it, is to work two jobs, bank money like crazy, and continue to look for a "real" job that will support you independently while you look for a place of your own. If you do all of that you won't have time to worry about what your parents are doing or not doing, and most likely you will be up by 6 a.m. anyway. And put yourself on a specific timeline - 6 months, 3 months, whatever. Set a goal and stick to it.

In the meantime, here's the reality of the situation...you are in your parents' home. They do not owe you the courtesy of tiptoeing around so you can sleep or because you need quiet time. If the parental units bother you that badly, it is up to YOU to change the situation. Chances are they are not going to adjust their lives to accommodate you. I assure you, they sort of had a dream too - the dream that when you graduated you would move out. The up side is that on your own you can set your schedule any way you want to and not have to answer to anyone. The down side is you will be responsible for everything, from utilities to groceries to rent to car repairs to lousy neighbors who make noise at 6 a.m., to....well, everything. Freedom comes with a price. If you're willing to pay the price, it's yours. Otherwise, you have to put up and shut up.

You don't have to live with your sister. Look for a roommate or that tiny efficiency you can afford on your own. Otherwise, accept that you are simply moving you and your sister to a larger apartment for the time being and that later there will be time for even more independence. Either way, get out of your parents' house sooner rather than later. It's time.
Currently my job isn't that great. I work in retail but I figured that me having a degree would be help eventually to get myself a better paying job. I figured that I could afford to share an efficiency with her but reading all of these responses I feel that if I really want independence and freedom I need to either pay a little more and get a 2 bedroom or just get my own place. My sister is 29 by the way (she graduated 2010 - but was living on unemployment at the time) she felt there was no need to search for a job. Now her job is decent (it is an office job) and it seems like she's getting the hang of it, she also has a 2nd job working at grocery store.
The cost of living here is horrible. Things are very unaffordable compared to the salaries here in South Florida. It is VERY hard to find a 2 bedroom that is in a decent neighborhood for under 800$ here. Just things are absolutely crazy.
I love all of the advice you have given and your response is really pointing in a direction that I should take which is not just moving into an efficiency with my sister. I should seek my own independence still. Can you be my life coach? haha

Thanks for responding.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thursday007 View Post
I literally got up from the dinner table once and walked out. I was 18 years old. I found an apartment up above a store and paid for college myself. But there are sacrifices you need to be willing to make to get what you want. I had 3 jobs, I didn't have cable, my car was lent to me by my uncle and it was so bad there was a bungie cord holding the passenger side door shut. So, I biked it to school many times.

All to often in these types of situations I see people who want out of bad situation, but don't want to make any sacrifices to get it. Take a step back and write down all your expenses and then line by line ask yourself if they are wants or needs and get rid of all the 'wants'. I get so frustrated with people with this stuff - they want it both ways.

My older brother and I have different relationships with my father. He wants a relationship with him and I haven't seen him in over 11 years. We don't agree with each other, but we respect each other's choices. In a nutshell, my dad gave my brother a lot and paid for his college tuition and they worked together. I was in a position to tell him to shut his pie hole, but my brother wasn't - it was like indentured servitude. We have another brother, but he was born 10 years after me. He, too, had the I want it all ways attitude. He doesn't like my dad, but would always go over there to use their computer - the reason? He was purchasing clothes and things from very expensive catalogs and using my dad's credit card to do it, like my older brother did, and then refused to do a damn thing about it and constantly complained about what an ass my dad was and I told him, "You can't have it both ways. You can't use his credit cards and turn around and tell him to go to hell on your way out the door." His constant whining about my dad - I wanted to slap him upside the head. If you don't want someone meddling in your life, only YOU can do something about it and if you really, really want it you'll make a lot of temporary sacrifices to get it. Too many people don't.
That is very courageous of you, I wish I had the "balls" to do something like that! I see what you're saying, its kind of like my situation now. My parents give me a roof over my head but I complain about what a dick my dad is. I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too. I understand it is all about sacrifice and how much would I be willing to sacrifice?
Thanks for responding.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam I Am View Post
Thursday, the charge on my rep wand has run out - but thank you - yes, you GET IT! We work nonstop in life for those things that are truly important to us, and we sacrifice whatever we need to in order to make it all work in our best interests. The only entitlement we feel is the right to do things our own way, with the understanding that nothing is free and we are "entitled" to nothing in this world by virtue of birth or birth order, education, personality, or even our existence on the planet.
Yes, problem is that I am learning that nothing is guaranteed or handed to you on a silver platter, I just have to figure it out myself! and right now I am doing that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by purehuman View Post
ybflady13....I think you should definately move out of your parents home and share somewhere else with your sister....I think your parents would probably breathe a BIG sigh of relief...especially knowing they can begin their day early without worrying that YOU may take offence.
Yes I agree, moving out would be the best option. But seeing all these comments about privacy, think an efficiency is not the best option. The main reason why I want to move out is privacy/independence. If I just jump into getting an efficiency with my sister there will be no changes made and I'll be still spending money.
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Old 03-22-2012, 02:33 PM
 
5,073 posts, read 2,781,770 times
Reputation: 5313
You know, many young people struggle through college or right after finishing college, and it wasnt any different for myself. I went to school full time, worked full time, paid for an appt., a car and the school since my parents werent in a position to help. Imagine feeling aweful not because you are at times hungry, but because you are out of cat food, and your cat is going hungry - so you cook up some frozen chicken and share it with your cat, who doesnt even want it. Ive been there and made it out just fine. How you find a way to overcome some of these struggles, becomes a big part of your adult personality. Get a room mate and advise your sister to do the same. Let your parents be, and your relationship will improve (no matter what it is today). Get out there and stand on your own two feet. best of Luck!
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