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Old 05-04-2012, 03:15 PM
 
1,219 posts, read 741,448 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by findly185 View Post
Do you have a friend who won't do anything social without their SO/boyfriend/girlfriend? Anytime there is a group outing of friends to the bar, club, bowling, dinner, etc they cant fathom going solo. They will cancel plans based on what the other is doing, will make up excuses to sit at home and do nothing rather than venture out seemingly single.

How do you deal with these people without flipping out (have lost it a few times with this particular person)?
Quote:
Originally Posted by findly185 View Post
Are you speaking from your soap box to someone in particular (it's hard to tell since you didn't quote anyone)? I started the thread and mentioned nothing above in my OP ("boring", "good time", "bulls***", etc).
I agree with you. You made no mention of your friend being boring, but you did say, "They will... make up excuses to sit at home and do nothing....". Now, maybe it's just me, but when you describe someone as literally "doing nothing", it implies that they're dull, i.e. boring. All I'm saying is, if you choose to distance yourself from someone like her, that's your prerogative. But, you have no right to flip out on her for not venturing out, with you. C'mon now - keep it real. You know that sounds pity. I mean, if you feel she's missing out on something, when not spending time with you, that's her loss, is it not? I just don't see it as something for you to lose your cool over.
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Old 05-04-2012, 03:22 PM
 
4,231 posts, read 2,839,787 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Just1Fan View Post
I agree with you. You made no mention of your friend being boring, but you did say, "They will... make up excuses to sit at home and do nothing....". Now, maybe it's just me, but when you describe someone as literally "doing nothing", it implies that they're dull, i.e. boring. All I'm saying is, if you choose to distance yourself from someone her, that's your prerogative. But, you have no right to flip out on her for not venturing out, with you. C'mon now - keep it real. You know that sounds pity. I mean, if you feel she's missing out on something, when not spending time with you, that's her loss, is it not? That's ain't something for you to lose your cool over.
I wasn't asking how not to flip out because I feel she's missing out. It's just the constant "no I cant go because X is tired, cant go, etc.". It gets obnoxious after a while when you were friends for 10+ years before X came along and now they can't do anything with you without their BF/SO. I have a BF we both have lives outside of each other.
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Old 05-04-2012, 04:47 PM
 
1,219 posts, read 741,448 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by findly185 View Post
I have a BF we both have lives outside of each other.
I think your BF is lucky, and I don't know why your friend doesn't spend more time with you. But, as long as she's happy, I'm sure she has your blessing, right? Maybe her BF is just putting it on her, too thick - I know you can't be mad about that. *chuckles*

Last edited by Just1Fan; 05-04-2012 at 04:59 PM..
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Old 05-04-2012, 05:39 PM
 
58 posts, read 49,603 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
Hell, my mother is that way.

My father passed away in 1984 and she moped around for about five years. But once she acquired a boyfriend, everything else in her life took a back seat--particularly her family. Even today, if she is delivering a birthday present for one of her grandchildren, she pulls into the driveway, honks the horn, hands the present out the window and zooms away--because she's always doing something with David, her married boyfriend. I'll invite her in to socialize, but no dice. She might as well just fling it onto the front lawn as if she were the cotton-picking paperboy.

Mind you, my mother lives five miles from us and has never attended a single soccer game, lacrosse game, band concert or anything else that her grandchildren are doing. Yet she'll drop everything and drive cross-country with her married boyfriend if there is any kind of social event in David's life. My mother, who was always a warm and funny soul, can't even have a one-on-one conversation with me on the phone anymore because the married boyfriend always picks up on the extension and listens in, throwing out odd remarks now and then.

Last weekend, MrsCPG and I went out of town for a four-day trip to Chicago. Two months in advance, I asked her if she would mind staying with our three kids. Mind you, I've never asked this of her in 17 years of raising children, and only asked her to watch our kids a handful of times because she looks on it as an imposition. She hemmed and hawed about it, chiefly because she was worried her married boyfriend might want her to do something that weekend.

I'll never do that again. According to my kids, she could barely stay at the house and bitched the entire time about it because she wasn't going to some fool party. Our kids were scheduled to serve in church this past Sunday at the youth service, with my daughter doing the readings, and she complained about having to attend our church as opposed to her own. Heck, our flight was delayed by 30 MINUTES on Monday, and she couldn't even stick around for us to pull into the driveway. She just picked up my thirteen-year-old from school, dumped him off at home, and practically burned rubber out of the driveway like something out of the Dukes of Hazzard. Why? Because she hadn't really seen her married boyfriend in four days.

My wife just can't wrap her head around this kind of behavior. To her, she thinks its sad that my mother can't manage to find time in her incredibly open schedule to know her intelligent, funny, creative, and talented grandchildren. To be honest, I shouldn't be able to, but she's been my mother all my life. I guess I should be used to it by now.
I can't believe my eyes.
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Old 05-06-2012, 12:22 AM
 
Location: The Middle
5,262 posts, read 8,247,028 times
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Years ago I had a friend like that. Every damn time we wanted to go out, she brought her boyfriend. He was really weird and just sat there never saying anything. It didnt take long to figure out the guy was a control freak. She said its because he loves her so much. Ya okay, whatever. She got invited less to stuff. I never dissed her personally but others in the group did. I would show up to a party or event someone was having and realize she wasn't there nor invited. People get tired of it especially if its all the time. My husband has a friend that always brings his wife. Even for guy night. Personally from meeting the woman, I think its two fold. I think she shows up to be the only female in the group.
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Old 05-06-2012, 12:35 AM
 
Location: Portland, OR
1,366 posts, read 1,409,243 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by findly185 View Post
Do you have a friend who won't do anything social without their SO/boyfriend/girlfriend? Anytime there is a group outing of friends to the bar, club, bowling, dinner, etc they cant fathom going solo. They will cancel plans based on what the other is doing, will make up excuses to sit at home and do nothing rather than venture out seemingly single.

How do you deal with these people without flipping out (have lost it a few times with this particular person)?
Yes and it was annoying as all hell. Anytime she started dating someone, she'd fall off the face of the planet until they broke up to which she would call me apologizing and saying it wouldn't happen again (and of course wanting to hang out to catch up). Then she'd get into another relationship and whatdya know...

I stopped talking to her a while back altogether. I have limits.
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Old 05-06-2012, 12:49 AM
Status: "Winter is here, burrr" (set 6 days ago)
 
16,487 posts, read 11,977,359 times
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I have lost friends over this. They have become so involved in their new boyfriend/husband that they leave any other friend they have behind. It is very frustrating. I just figure how good of a friend could they have been if they would do that?
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Old 05-06-2012, 01:50 AM
 
Location: Middle America
18,131 posts, read 15,621,234 times
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I have my own identity and personality, but I would still rather spend time around my partner than I would nearly anybody else on earth. We've been together for years, it's not like it's the shiny, new honeymoon period, we just legitimately do enjoy one another's company, actually a ton more than we do the company of most of our acquaintances. So when we socialize, we tend to socialize together. And if we stay in, it's not "doing nothing," generally...we're doing things we enjoy.
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Old 05-06-2012, 09:09 AM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
12,126 posts, read 12,613,182 times
Reputation: 13520
Quote:
Originally Posted by findly185 View Post
Do you have a friend who won't do anything social without their SO/boyfriend/girlfriend? Anytime there is a group outing of friends to the bar, club, bowling, dinner, etc they cant fathom going solo. They will cancel plans based on what the other is doing, will make up excuses to sit at home and do nothing rather than venture out seemingly single.

How do you deal with these people without flipping out (have lost it a few times with this particular person)?
Anyone who wont or can't function solo has insecurity and fear about their partners alone time, dependency issues, or an insecure isolating partner.

None of which make a healthy reltionship.
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Old 05-06-2012, 05:49 PM
 
47,586 posts, read 35,883,543 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by virgode View Post
Anyone who wont or can't function solo has insecurity and fear about their partners alone time, dependency issues, or an insecure isolating partner.

None of which make a healthy reltionship.
I wouldn't say that. I think some people just really like being part of a couple and very often these very bonded couples last until the end.

Who can judge? It should be about whatever makes one happy, and like the other poster said, it's not up to someone to have to go around pleasing everyone else or doing things just like other people think they should.

Even in one family there are sometimes the singles and the couples. If someone prefers to come as a couple, why not just include the both of them knowing that's how they like to be?

Why should the couple feel shunned or the single feel shunned? Why not just do a group activity and include enough of both? But if the couple wanting to come together really irritates, then just don't invite "them".

It simply does not bother me knowing there are people who even enjoy shopping for groceries as a couple -- more power to them but it might not be my own particular way.
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