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OP, don't even bother with the letter. They will use it as a way to martyrdom and those types never fess up to their own actions.
I have not spoken to my mother in...six years now. It was going to be longer than that but after I stopped talking to her in 2003, I felt all guilty and called.
All I heard was how hurt she was that I didn't share anything from my life with her. Why the hell would I? Every time I did, she would tear me down for it. And besides, lady, the phone goes both ways.
Whatever.
Even when they do hurt you enough for you to cut off all ties, you may get some guilt building up later. Don't even bother with the guilt, they aren't feeling bad at all.
Just stop talking to her. Go surround yourself with people who build you up, you deserve it.
You are upset obviously, that is coming through loud and clear. Just remember if you are truely a christian, Honor your mother no matter what. Let GOD judge her. I hope your situation gets better. Wishing you a blessed day. Sincerely (Someone that lost their adoption mom and doesnt know birth mom)
I don't blame the OP for not going to church on Mother's Day or Father's Day - I don't have an awful relationship with my parents but they are not church going types and my Dad is a self-proclaimed atheist. I just don't understand why churches have to focus on this stuff - my parents will never go to church unless someone is dead or its a wedding. So it rubs salts in wounds for those who don't have their folks around physically, or parents who won't go to church. Some kids have a different belief system then their parents.
Considering Mother's Day is an invented "holiday" that first took place in the US back in 1908, I really don't understand why a church would even get involved in this event in the first place .
Be that as it may, I have a real problem each year with sending a mother's or father's day card because the sheer hypocrisy of the cards really make me gag. If your family is abusive why waste time and money buying a card that states how fantastic and great they are?! Bleuch.
I wouldn't bother writing your mother a letter, altho the advice about writing one and then setting fire to it is excellent - very cathartic. Just keep your contact with her to an absolute minimum or not at all. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't define motherhood. Anyone can give birth - people do it every day - it's what happens next that should count. Has she shown or taught you loyalty, compassion, character, courtesy, honesty, self-respect, tolerance, understanding, strength, pride, humility, hard work, ambition? Has she taught you how to stand up for yourself or how to treat other people? Has she listened to your hopes and dreams? Has she shown you any encouragement? When you messed up did she explain what you did wrong and why and how to put it right or did she just scream and rant?
If you can raise yourself to be a better person then go for it. Don't let her define who you become - you don't have to repeat her mistakes .
I wrote my mother a letter once during our first estrangement (she was an active alcoholic until I was in my 20s and likely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and some symptoms/behaviors of Borderline Personality Disorder as well). She denied everything and said I was falsely accusing her of abuse. What 3 Wolves said about her using it as fodder for her martyrdom and the lack of responsibility has definitely been my experience. And people who are dysfunctional enough to make you consider estrangement tend to stick around similar types and/or apologists/enablers. Another board calls them "Flying Monkeys" from the Wizard of Oz.
I let her back into my life when she stopped drinking. Quite frankly, it was the biggest mistake of my life and the one thing I would go back and change in my life if I could. I wanted to be the good, supportive daughter and encourage her sobriety. It took a little longer sober, but she ended up back to a lot of her old behaviors with me.
When the 2nd estrangement started, both initiated by her btw, I didn't bother with a letter to her. I have a blog where I sort of journal/vent about all of this stuff. I wrote a letter of resignation as the family scapegoat and a help wanted ad to find a replacement. I eventually wrote a letter to her on the blog. But I didn't send it to her. Felt very relieved to get the feelings out. It's one of the things that's helping me heal and move on with my life.
Another thing has been what's called my "Family of Choice" and "Second Chance Family". I'm glad you have a good relationship with your stepmom. Focus on cultivating that. I have a good relationship with my stepmom and a friend's family has unoffically "adopted" me. Her mom and one of my aunt's are mother figures to me. This helps a lot in healing from a situation like this. Extended family and friends can be part of your family.
IMO, sharing dna doesn't necessarily make you "family". Conversely, people who don't share your dna can be more family than "family".
You are upset obviously, that is coming through loud and clear. Just remember if you are truely a christian, Honor your mother no matter what. Let GOD judge her. I hope your situation gets better. Wishing you a blessed day. Sincerely (Someone that lost their adoption mom and doesnt know birth mom)
Ironic advice considering the mother is judging 13Cats for being gay.
If you will read the history of Mother's Day, you will see that Mother's Day is about visiting the church you were brought up in.
I hope you can get help for the hate your mother syndrome because it is doing you a lot of harm. Since you say you go to church you may also read the commandment about honoring your mother and your father. It is the only commandment with a promise attached to it.
Your hate and anger for your mother is destroying you and doing nothing to her. Try to let it go. You no longer need to have contact with her but maybe by meditating on acceptance you can cultivate an attitude of pity for her. You will be healthier for it.
I stopped speaking to my mother for 20 years and it was great. She did invade my home twice in those years and I sent her packing, and sent her a courteous note basically begging her to *just leave me alone* and not to embarrass herself with showing up uninvited (300 miles away and the only two times in her life she got in a plane).
When she was dying, my father asked me to call her as a favor to him (a "mitzvah"). I got lucky. Got her on the phone one day for a brief annoying call, she was asleep the next day, and dead the next day. She died the day the New Orleans levees failed, and I was a lot more involved with friends who were affected by that. Her death was like a change in the weather, if that. Seven years later, nothing has changed.
I am very good at just walking away from people if they are toxic or want something from me that I simply don't have to give. Family is the stickiest, as they usually feel something is owed for the fact of being family. To me, family is a genetic blind date, and we all know how blind dates can be.
I think my sister and I just had our last communication. I have no desire to be rude or hurtful, but I want to be left alone by some people. When our father died, we were in touch and I appreciated what she did for him (and she appreciated me showing up to help). I have no desire to be involved in her life or she in mine whatsoever, and do fear I was hurtful in trying to explain that. But it's a relief that it's over.
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