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i think it is time to move onto new friendships, take care of the ones you do call as a friend and leave those old friends behind…sad but that is the way of life…i am about to do that because it does strain your emotions and your life..
Yeah, amongst the people that I could possibly call "friends", Im the only one who ever makes contact. If I didnt text/call, Im pretty sure theyd be comfortable with never talking to me again.
Its kind of sad if you think about it, makes you wonder how good of a friend they are or even if they were a friend at all. Maybe Im just an annoyance or some "duty" they have.
May i ask what makes you want to keep doing that?
My husband does that, digs up friends he has not seen for decades, knew in kindergarten, and establishes contact, visits them, plans group gathering. They all apreciate it, tells him how well he keeps in touch, but i rarely see that any of those people contact him on their own. The person he is closest to, sees him 3 or 4 times a month is a retired colleague who lives near us. I cannot understand what he gets out of it. He does enjoy the process, the talking etc
So if the meetings you plan gives you pleasure then just keep doing it, like the way you need to plan and make reservations for a vacation. When the effort is greater than the fun, stop.
I'd say it depends on age... I'm mid 20's and realize things aren't as dry cut as college. I.e: people having kids, spouses, working many jobs or starting up in their career so very busy/stressed. It's really hard at this stage in life to have a booming social life.
Perhaps it's a refining process though... Pruning off the dead weight if you will.
I've experienced this. Looks like a lot of us have. I think it's really important not to take it personally, as hard as that can be. People get busy with their lives. Sometimes they need to be reminded to look up from what they are doing. I mean, I get the "if they cared, they'd contact me" thing. I'm going through this a little bit with one of my friends right now. We were emailing weekly (she lives abroad) but we haven't had any contact at all this summer. Officially it's "her turn" and I don't want to make a pest of myself…but I'm not in grade school anymore, so I've been thinking it's time to check in with her. She has a lot going on…going through a divorce, etc etc.
I have been very fortunate in that I have close friends from every stage of my life. But yes, the ones that "stick" are the ones that have shown reciprocity. I wouldn't have time for EVERYONE. This is how it gets narrowed down. They are a part of my regular existence.
There are also a number of friends (college roommates) that are my dearest friends and know me like nobody else…but I see them only a couple of times a year and talk to them irregularly. It doesn't mean we don't love each other. Life is just busy. The same person usu plans the get togethers…if she stopped bcs her feelings were hurt that nobody else took the initiative, what a mess! I think if YOU are the one that makes the effort, the pattern gets set and it's kind of expected.
But like an earlier poster said, sometimes it is worth opening up a conversation about. Sometimes. There have been a few times in the past where I have felt like I was pushing too hard only to find out the feelings of friendship were more than reciprocated. I was just not reading it right...
I've experienced this. Looks like a lot of us have. I think it's really important not to take it personally, as hard as that can be. People get busy with their lives. Sometimes they need to be reminded to look up from what they are doing. I mean, I get the "if they cared, they'd contact me" thing.
But like an earlier poster said, sometimes it is worth opening up a conversation about. Sometimes. There have been a few times in the past where I have felt like I was pushing too hard only to find out the feelings of friendship were more than reciprocated. I was just not reading it right...
You are right, chrissycs, if you know to yourself that your friends are not reciprocal in terms of what you view in the friendship, then it is time to move on and just leave them in your past. I've had to close some chapters on old school friends who would not return my calls, emails, after a few attempts on my part to make contact.
When I talk about those old friends now in a current context, I usually refer to them as my friends from my past. There are many reasons why some people are in your life now and why some people stay in your past. As you go through different stages of your life, this change becomes more clear. Moving on is often easier said than done.
A general rule for me is to make a connection once (or twice if the reason for not reciprocating is a good one) and let the friend make the next move. There is nothing wrong with having expectations and letting people meet those expectations voluntarily. If the person needs something, that's okay. I usually need something in return.
While this has not really won me more of those 3 o'clock in the morning friends (have not needed one of those yet), it maintains a healthy relationship with people, with boundaries being communicated. While I happily wait for them, I keep doing what I want to do.
Yeah, amongst the people that I could possibly call "friends", Im the only one who ever makes contact. If I didnt text/call, Im pretty sure theyd be comfortable with never talking to me again.
Its kind of sad if you think about it, makes you wonder how good of a friend they are or even if they were a friend at all. Maybe Im just an annoyance or some "duty" they have.
No, it is not you! You are not the problem or they wouldn't reach back to you when you do reach out. It is too bad they don't reach out. Their loss! You have to truly understand how valuable you are. You are caring, you reach out and much more I'm sure if I knew you.
I have the same thing happen to me all the time. For toooo long I have sat back and said, why aren't they calling, wanting my friendship. I thought I can't make lasting friends. What I saw is I have to get out of the house, find new things to do and find like minded people. That is hard, esp. as we get older. But what have we got to lose? Nothing.
I am starting to walk, will join a hiking group where I hope to find two-three people who'd like to get together and walk. I'm going to find other ways of meeting people instead of just hoping to find someone. I like the people I know but they are busy with their life. So, I am going to get out and find mine!
Try getting involved with a group somewhere. Try one, if it's not your cup of tea, try again! I tried a book club. But I realized I didn't want to buy books each month. I like to read but not always what others want to. So, not what I want. So, next!
Good luck to you and all searching! We can make friends, we can if we keep trying.
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