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Old 05-24-2012, 10:53 PM
 
14,752 posts, read 28,690,512 times
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Hey, do you have your friends get married and then come all the announcements when they have kids, their kids have b-day parties, graduations, and religious milestones (baptism, Communion, bar-mitzvah, etc)? Realistically, you are nowhere near as involved with them as much, given their commitments, but also find that you don't like opening your wallet every time they pop out a child and don't give a rat's a$$ about their kids' milestones.

Some of these people went to grad school with me and moved to other states. They got a wedding check from me, but as soon as they started having kids and I figured I may not see them again, no response from me on any subsequent invitations or announcements.

Have you "walked" on these situations because they are both not interesting and financially a nuisance?

Last edited by robertpolyglot; 05-25-2012 at 12:01 AM..
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Old 05-25-2012, 01:54 PM
 
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No..robertpolyglot...I can't say I've ever walked out on a friendship just because my friends had children...course I've never felt financially obligated to them for any reason....I give if I can....I'll always have an interest in the lives of my good friends.
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Old 05-25-2012, 02:08 PM
 
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Sending a simple card is not bank breaking. There are a plethora of inexpensive ideas if you are creative enough. I don't have children myself and my brother and his kids live across the country.so, I rather enjoy the family feeling of going to someone's son's hockey game or ballet recital. Many a vacation I took for that very reason. My aunt and I are extremely close in age and I used to take a vacation every three months or so and drive down or fly to see her and her family and while everyone back at the office thought I was partying down on spring break, I was actually at her son's softball games and school plays and playing board games...just family stuff
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Old 05-25-2012, 02:18 PM
 
Location: Virginia Beach, VA
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To me, it would depend on how close you were with the people.

These people seem like aquaintances at best at this point to me, and in that case, I wouldnt bother.

I would actually start questioning the motivations of people sending you invitations for weddings and graduations and such that are out of state and are barely in touch, and arent at very least relatives.

When I got married, we went through all the family and friends and we only sent invitations to people we absolutely thought would either be able to come, or might have interest in coming. We didnt send invitations to family or aquaintences who we knew wouldnt come, because then it just seems like youre trying to pump them for money, and thats lame.
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Old 05-25-2012, 02:30 PM
 
14,752 posts, read 28,690,512 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Randomdude View Post
I would actually start questioning the motivations of people sending you invitations for weddings and graduations and such that are out of state and are barely in touch, and arent at very least relatives.

When I got married, we went through all the family and friends and we only sent invitations to people we absolutely thought would either be able to come, or might have interest in coming. We didnt send invitations to family or aquaintences who we knew wouldnt come, because then it just seems like youre trying to pump them for money, and thats lame.
Exactly, that is both thoughtful and reasonable.

And I'm being berated on this very topic under Weddings - Tacky Bride Etiquette for this exact same thing.

If there's distance, you've graduated from college/grad school, you're NOT relatives, and the chances of seeing each other are slim, put away the checkbook.
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Old 08-04-2012, 08:47 AM
 
Location: Arlington, VA and Washington, DC
23,669 posts, read 33,529,145 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by robertpolyglot View Post
Hey, do you have your friends get married and then come all the announcements when they have kids, their kids have b-day parties, graduations, and religious milestones (baptism, Communion, bar-mitzvah, etc)? Realistically, you are nowhere near as involved with them as much, given their commitments, but also find that you don't like opening your wallet every time they pop out a child and don't give a rat's a$$ about their kids' milestones.

Some of these people went to grad school with me and moved to other states. They got a wedding check from me, but as soon as they started having kids and I figured I may not see them again, no response from me on any subsequent invitations or announcements.

Have you "walked" on these situations because they are both not interesting and financially a nuisance?
I lie. Just say I gotta work a temp job or I'm visiting family.
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Old 08-04-2012, 09:49 AM
 
Location: Palm Beach Gardens, Fla
1,888 posts, read 7,159,455 times
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I usually send checks or gifts if it's purely a child focused event (i.e. birthday party at Chucky Cheese). I'll attend if it seems to be a family focused event (a dinner, holiday get together etc.). I would never walk on the relationship, but it changes what events you choose to participate in. No big deal.
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Old 08-04-2012, 11:59 AM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,553,038 times
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I find it hard to remain friends with people I knew who got married & had children. Their priorities changed and they became parents. I just found that I had zero in common with them and we drifted apart. I really don't seek out those types of friendships. It's just horribly awkward. I don't even keep in touch with my family.
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Old 08-04-2012, 09:22 PM
 
2,681 posts, read 6,287,481 times
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Wink well...

Quote:
Originally Posted by purehuman View Post
No..robertpolyglot...I can't say I've ever walked out on a friendship just because my friends had children...course I've never felt financially obligated to them for any reason....I give if I can....I'll always have an interest in the lives of my good friends.
me, too, to an extent...I always manage one 'happy birthday' or 'congratulations' card, but after that I rather loose interest in peoples children... I sent a very good friend a 'gag gift' after the birth of her first child...we were so extremely close I really thought she would find it funny... she didn't...I sent her a beautiful gift box of large black garbage bags... well...it had been a long standing joke between the two of us and I really freaked her out... now, I always make a point of calling her and asking..'what should I send for Christmas'...
Koale
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Old 08-05-2012, 10:37 AM
 
676 posts, read 1,057,573 times
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I think it depends on if the parent friend makes some effort to keep in touch or not. I understand priorities change with kids and families with kids have to juggle both the parents and the kids schedules to make plans. But I completely LMAO during one attempt to get some college friends together, when I got an email saying that those of us who didn't have kids had the "easier" schedules to work with. One of the people she referred to is on call for emergency surgery at certain times. Which I think trumps the Little League or soccer schedule when it comes to making plans for the group to get together

One of my friends, Bernie, is married to a woman, Pat, who dislikes and barely tolerates his female friends. A group of us, guys included too, used to get together twice a year, once for dinner near Christmas and a bbq in the Summer at a friends place. If they both go to the dinner, she'd complain that it was too expensive for dinner, the sitter. If just he went, she'd complain about the inconvenience of him coming home late and if it fell on the day of say, gym night for her, she would refuse to switch. So he stopped going to most of these things. He was also the first one to stop going back when we used to have birthday celebrations of going out for some drinks and appetizers. She attended one with some friends of hers and actually sat away from the group, he, of course, had to sit near her which caused some friction.

The last time I was supposed to get together with him, his wife and another friend of ours and his wife, I, along with another single female friend, was disinvited to the dinner at a restaurant because it turned out Bernie & Pat wanted a couples night. Now, I can see why couples may enjoy couples only socializing, but I thought it was really rude to invite us and then disinvite us. They should have never invited us to begin with.

Since then, I've stopped shelling out for any and all gifts associate with Bernie & Pat. I didn't even get a baby gift for the other couple involved in the disinvite. I'm done with shelling out hundreds of dollars in gifts for engagements, bridal showers, bachelorettes, weddings, babies and all of the kid related stuff only to be treated like a 2nd class citizen by some because I'm not married and childfree

The best was Pat was trying to put together a milestone birthday for Bernie. I did the social lie thing and said I had other plans that weekend. Sorry, I'm not spending nearly 2 hours in a car, giving up most of a free day and shelling out money for his gift when they treated me the way they did. A bad storm hit and people were warned to stay off the roads. She decided to go through with it anyway. Most of the people who lived outside their neigbhorhood were unable to attend. She tried to arrange it again this year. And mentioned one of their children's communions.

I've participated in other friends' 40th, 50th, 60th events and celebrated their children's communions, but I can't see doing it for someone who's made it so clear my friendship isn't very valuable to him. It's bizarre to see them think they can treat their friends so badly and that we're going to show up with the gifts when they want them. Doesn't work that way
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