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This is something I have wondered about. I mean, if people relocate to a new area, why do some people seem to instantly make friends while others, no matter how outgoing and nice they are, seem to struggle with it?
I think alot of it is just plain chance that you connect with someone and start a friendship . And it can be a numbers game as well with the more you put yourself out there the more likely you will meet people who are alot like you are. It also depends on the geographical part of the Nation youre in too....I have found the north and midwest to be more conducive to NOT making friendships easily while the South far more likely....but again, this is my personal experience. I find that when im a bit more gregarious , outgoing, willing to take risks....that my chances improve at connecting with others. Lately ive been finding online Dating Sites to be a fast way of getting connected .. at least in finding people you are somewhat compatible with to see where it leads. The problem with these kinds of venues is that you sometimes find people who arent totally honest and who can if they want to, put on a persona that isnt necessary accurate of themselves whereby in person it 'may' be a little more authentic.
I go thru spurts of wanting to have more friends and just being satisifed with what i have.
Honestly, here it goes: I am a moderately social person, pretty comparable to the average 30 something mother. I have always had a hard time meeting, and making friends all through my adult life. I have had a close few, and even fewer who have remained true friends. I have always tried to be Ms Social butterfly and surround myself with people I care about and vice versa.
I have grown to realize in my adult life, that I don't have many friends because I dont need them. Sure, I have a few, but that's all I need. I suppose there isnt a lot of necessity that drives me to make friends constantly. I'm happy, I have a large amazing family that I'm close with. The world is full of catty, jealous, shady, materialistic people, and I'm just not like them. Good people aren't easy to find, so I suppose this is why good friends are hard to find too..
I agree with this... I grew up a more quiet, socially reserved person with maybe one or two friends as opposed to half the class. We live in a society that worships extroversion so I always felt this need to make more friends - something was wrong with me that I wasn't a busybody social butterfly.
I'm only now beginning to understand that some of us as introverts don't NEED a million friends to feel complete. I have my 1 or 2 friends and that's okay. It's only the social stereotypes that makes me feel otherwise, but overall, I am a COMPLETE person by myself. My energy comes from within, for extroverts it comes from other people (that's the formal definition). And honestly, many people I've encountered are frustrating to deal with: completely full of themselves and lack critical thinking skills (but that's an entirely different thread for another day).
I've realized it's because they make effort while not seeming needy/desperate. It's a delicate balance that some have a knack for. Some friendly/outgoing types may make the effort, but inadvertently come off as pushy, needy, even obnoxious. Other people are too reserved & mistakenly send "disinterested" signals, not making enough effort even if they are good listeners & friendly if you approach them.
My older sister makes friends easily because she hits that balance well. She's makes a LOT of effort to introduce herself, get contact info, make plans right away, maintain contact, continue to make plans to hang out, etc. However, she manages to look "desirable" to others, not needy. She easily projects an image of being a fun person with a full life, not someone who NEEDS new friends (even if she is currently not leading a full life). This basically has the effect of looking like she is someone who will benefit them, not someone who needs something from them.
Frankly, it's entirely the same as the job hunting process. If you need a job, you probably won't get one if you look/act like you need it. Why people respond this way is something of a mystery & yes, a little depressing. People have a "what do I get out of this" attitude.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,029,399 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by orangeapple
I've realized it's because they make effort while not seeming needy/desperate. It's a delicate balance that some have a knack for. Some friendly/outgoing types may make the effort, but inadvertently come off as pushy, needy, even obnoxious. Other people are too reserved & mistakenly send "disinterested" signals, not making enough effort even if they are good listeners & friendly if you approach them.
My older sister makes friends easily because she hits that balance well. She's makes a LOT of effort to introduce herself, get contact info, make plans right away, maintain contact, continue to make plans to hang out, etc. However, she manages to look "desirable" to others, not needy. She easily projects an image of being a fun person with a full life, not someone who NEEDS new friends (even if she is currently not leading a full life). This basically has the effect of looking like she is someone who will benefit them, not someone who needs something from them.
Frankly, it's entirely the same as the job hunting process. If you need a job, you probably won't get one if you look/act like you need it. Why people respond this way is something of a mystery & yes, a little depressing. People have a "what do I get out of this" attitude.
That same principle of supply and demand applies to romance, friendship and work.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,544 posts, read 56,029,399 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by deecbee
I agree with this... I grew up a more quiet, socially reserved person with maybe one or two friends as opposed to half the class. We live in a society that worships extroversion so I always felt this need to make more friends - something was wrong with me that I wasn't a busybody social butterfly.
I'm only now beginning to understand that some of us as introverts don't NEED a million friends to feel complete. I have my 1 or 2 friends and that's okay. It's only the social stereotypes that makes me feel otherwise, but overall, I am a COMPLETE person by myself. My energy comes from within, for extroverts it comes from other people (that's the formal definition). And honestly, many people I've encountered are frustrating to deal with: completely full of themselves and lack critical thinking skills (but that's an entirely different thread for another day).
Socializing shows me I get more easily annoyed with people than I reckoned I would.
I'm an auditor. For some reason people have told me that is a "cool sounding job." In reality, I find it every bit as tedious and boring as when I was a part-time cashier in college. The only difference is that the pay is better. Jobs are jobs. I work for a paycheck, not because the job is "cool."
I could care less what other people think about my clothes, how I look, etc. Again, I don't act fake to please people. Who wants a bunch of fake "friends" anyway?
Odd - I am an Auditor as well, and I have been told the opposite (That my job sounds boring, and that I am the bad guy who comes around and says what everyone is doing wrong).
I've realized it's because they make effort while not seeming needy/desperate. It's a delicate balance that some have a knack for. Some friendly/outgoing types may make the effort, but inadvertently come off as pushy, needy, even obnoxious. Other people are too reserved & mistakenly send "disinterested" signals, not making enough effort even if they are good listeners & friendly if you approach them.
My older sister makes friends easily because she hits that balance well. She's makes a LOT of effort to introduce herself, get contact info, make plans right away, maintain contact, continue to make plans to hang out, etc. However, she manages to look "desirable" to others, not needy. She easily projects an image of being a fun person with a full life, not someone who NEEDS new friends (even if she is currently not leading a full life). This basically has the effect of looking like she is someone who will benefit them, not someone who needs something from them.
Frankly, it's entirely the same as the job hunting process. If you need a job, you probably won't get one if you look/act like you need it. Why people respond this way is something of a mystery & yes, a little depressing. People have a "what do I get out of this" attitude.
Have you ever been close to being homeless? Quite frankly, finding that balance is extremely hard.
This is something I have wondered about. I mean, if people relocate to a new area, why do some people seem to instantly make friends while others, no matter how outgoing and nice they are, seem to struggle with it?
There's actually a very good and practical book on this subject by John Gottman called:
Sometimes, it can be hard to make friends because of the area one has moved to. For example, I live in the Greater Cincinnati Ohio area and a common complaint among people who relocate to Cincinnati is that it's so hard to make friends here. The reason for this is because unlike most cities, the majority of the population of Cincinnati was born and raised here and decided to stay here. Since most have lived here their whole lives, they tend to have their own circle of friends that they've grown up with and are slow to embrace "outsiders."
Sometimes, it can be hard to make friends because of the area one has moved to. For example, I live in the Greater Cincinnati Ohio area and a common complaint among people who relocate to Cincinnati is that it's so hard to make friends here. The reason for this is because unlike most cities, the majority of the population of Cincinnati was born and raised here and decided to stay here. Since most have lived here their whole lives, they tend to have their own circle of friends that they've grown up with and are slow to embrace "outsiders."
This also goes for country areas, such as where I live.
I was born here, and it took me thirty years to be accepted as a local to the area, now most of the local people have moved away.
I now have nothing in common with those that replaced the country people that used to live here!
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