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Old 07-28-2012, 12:51 AM
 
10,891 posts, read 9,067,869 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrRational View Post
eh? I get the wanting to leave town and not wanting to invite them over for dinner once there...
but not telling them where you moved? That's a bit much.

You don't know them.

Since they have tracked us down there have been three weddings to which we were not invited.

We were sent announcements about two nieces HS graduations and we responded with $50 visa cards and warm cards.

Our son graduated from HS and from the grand parents? NOTHING!!!

Our daughter had a confirmation. We are Lutheran and they are Pentecostals. They didn't even send a card,

They are playing head games and with our kids it;s NOT OK.

We just may move again.
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Old 07-28-2012, 07:20 AM
 
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Wow, thanks everyone for the posts. It's only in the past two years that (for the most part) I have stopped reaching out to my family of birth. The few family members left (siblings and extended family) have made it clear they either want no relationship with me or an incredibly distant relationship. I've learned my immediate family only wants more relationship if they can nasty to me.

I've lived a lot of places in the U.S. but a few years ago my husband and I settled in a region where I know of no one who does not spend a great deal of time with their extended family. What I mean is that people locally socialize with their family, get jobs through their family ect. more than any place else I've lived & I have lived in some very traditional regions.

I don't have family in the state where I now live, which in my case is good, because I am trying to emotionally separate from them.

I am a good bit younger than my siblings (my siblings and I are childless) & my parents are dead. My husband and I have very little family left. Few people would not find my mother-in-law difficult, but compared to what I am used to, I'm glad to have a relationship with her (long-distance) and she is in her mid-70s.

Growing up, we usually moved 1-2 a year worldwide. I was kept extremely isolated & the layers of toxic behavior was beyond description; literally from the time I was born, my parents reinforced my siblings, family friends ect. for abusing me. Being alive meant chronic head games and never a moment's peace.

I knew things were not right, but I was in my 40s before I could recognize how bad, undoubtedly because I had always been told everything was my fault. It was in recent years that I finally realized that anytime I was involved, there were no facts, only pieces of info (varying from truth to total fabrication) that was arranged and rearranged to fit their narcissistic needs at any given moment.

I deeply want family, but that is unavailable to me. I have had to handle an incredibly compromised estate long-distance because I need the money, even though it will not be a significant amount. My siblings, who benefit more than I do in inheritance, only take actions to make that situation worse, including for them. When it does finish, what little relationship I have with them will shrink more.

I'm not a counselor, but I do have a background in that field. I have tried counseling a few times. I always initiating it with telling them that I understand well that they are not supposed to tell me what to do, but I would appreciate observations & suggestions & ask if they believe they can do that. The last time I tried was 2010 and it went the way of previous sessions: I could not get one syllable of comment or suggestion. The only words she ever spoke was to ask how I am at the beginning of the session and at the end, ask when I wanted my next app.

After nearly 20 sessions, I reminded her I had started therapy by verifying I could receive this type of feedback and told her I had yet to hear it. She said she would have to think about it and maybe could have some thoughts for my next session. I did not return because I believe in that if she could not provide one single thought in almost 20 hours of therapy, I did not have reason to believe that paying for yet another session would produce something helpful.

I love my spouse but given that his family situation was the opposite of mine, he does not understand it. So even after I realized a lot, I do not have anyone to hear it.

I'd like to hear how others emotionally distanced themselves from their family because that has been difficult. Outsiders would say I should not care about them, but I do. I pray about daily & enjoy Bible study, but please don't recommend church. It still hurts to be a person without a family and living in such a family-oriented region has compounded that feeling.
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Old 07-28-2012, 11:12 AM
 
Location: earth?
7,290 posts, read 4,946,183 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueNight View Post
Wow, thanks everyone for the posts. It's only in the past two years that (for the most part) I have stopped reaching out to my family of birth. The few family members left (siblings and extended family) have made it clear they either want no relationship with me or an incredibly distant relationship. I've learned my immediate family only wants more relationship if they can nasty to me.

I've lived a lot of places in the U.S. but a few years ago my husband and I settled in a region where I know of no one who does not spend a great deal of time with their extended family. What I mean is that people locally socialize with their family, get jobs through their family ect. more than any place else I've lived & I have lived in some very traditional regions.

I don't have family in the state where I now live, which in my case is good, because I am trying to emotionally separate from them.

I am a good bit younger than my siblings (my siblings and I are childless) & my parents are dead. My husband and I have very little family left. Few people would not find my mother-in-law difficult, but compared to what I am used to, I'm glad to have a relationship with her (long-distance) and she is in her mid-70s.

Growing up, we usually moved 1-2 a year worldwide. I was kept extremely isolated & the layers of toxic behavior was beyond description; literally from the time I was born, my parents reinforced my siblings, family friends ect. for abusing me. Being alive meant chronic head games and never a moment's peace.

I knew things were not right, but I was in my 40s before I could recognize how bad, undoubtedly because I had always been told everything was my fault. It was in recent years that I finally realized that anytime I was involved, there were no facts, only pieces of info (varying from truth to total fabrication) that was arranged and rearranged to fit their narcissistic needs at any given moment.

I deeply want family, but that is unavailable to me. I have had to handle an incredibly compromised estate long-distance because I need the money, even though it will not be a significant amount. My siblings, who benefit more than I do in inheritance, only take actions to make that situation worse, including for them. When it does finish, what little relationship I have with them will shrink more.

I'm not a counselor, but I do have a background in that field. I have tried counseling a few times. I always initiating it with telling them that I understand well that they are not supposed to tell me what to do, but I would appreciate observations & suggestions & ask if they believe they can do that. The last time I tried was 2010 and it went the way of previous sessions: I could not get one syllable of comment or suggestion. The only words she ever spoke was to ask how I am at the beginning of the session and at the end, ask when I wanted my next app.

After nearly 20 sessions, I reminded her I had started therapy by verifying I could receive this type of feedback and told her I had yet to hear it. She said she would have to think about it and maybe could have some thoughts for my next session. I did not return because I believe in that if she could not provide one single thought in almost 20 hours of therapy, I did not have reason to believe that paying for yet another session would produce something helpful.

I love my spouse but given that his family situation was the opposite of mine, he does not understand it. So even after I realized a lot, I do not have anyone to hear it.

I'd like to hear how others emotionally distanced themselves from their family because that has been difficult. Outsiders would say I should not care about them, but I do. I pray about daily & enjoy Bible study, but please don't recommend church. It still hurts to be a person without a family and living in such a family-oriented region has compounded that feeling.
I resonate so much to the intense desire for family and the inability to have it because of dysfunction. It is heartbreaking. I hope you get some good advice! Maybe you should start another thread . . .
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Old 07-28-2012, 06:20 PM
 
10,891 posts, read 9,067,869 times
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Originally Posted by fallingwater View Post
Yes, I can relate. I dont know if they shun us or we shun them really. I feel that my husband and I are just odd balls and just dont fit in. its a mixture of where were are losers or we are viewed as snobs. Funny how the extremes are. We moved away from everyone a while back. Sometimes it still feels strange because we spent most of our lives living by our families. We were glad to move but the poor economy pretty much made the decision for us. We feel relieved to be away from everyone but we dont exactly love where we live so its kind of bittersweet.

My husband and I are both middle children and we did get ignored growing up. In a way I think we are both misunderstood by our families. He and I felt a bond immediately because we could be ourselves and it was okay. We spent a lot of time feeling like odd balls so we had that connect right away. We are going on 20+ years so it obviously works.

My family is not close and not traditional and I always craved that. My mother is childlike and selfish. She does do nice things for people but she can be quite bratty and unrealistic. She never could stand up to her mother and my grandmother was a tyrant in our lives for a long time. It pretty much doomed my parents already messy marriage. I was always the kid that never had parents show up for anything. My dad wasnt around much and I can only remember a handful of family dinners in the household. It was like we all lived singular lives. My parents divorced when I was a teen. A long time coming and the only reason the marriage imploded was because dad's girlfriend got tired of waiting around so she spilled the beans. Dad moved on and pretended we didnt exist after that. Now that is 70 yrs old, he calls me to see how I am. Its always awkward. he has no idea where I live. I have told him many times but he always gets the city wrong. He has no interest in ever visiting me.

My sister is self absorbed, high maintenance and needs constant attention. She is older than me by quite a few years and somehow still resents she had to give up her only child status. She is aggressive and has excelled in her career but has no idea on how to treat people. She has been in many horrible personal relationships and honestly, I think she craves the drama. She intrudes on you constantly and I dont miss living by her. She would drop in unannounced often at the worst times, like at dinner and not care. She needs to have someone sit with her and listen to all her woes. She has a bad relationship with my mother so either she needs to cry about her current issue or drag up crap from when we were kids. She is very rude to people and I try not to go out shopping or eat out in her presence. She is down right awful to sales people and waitstaff. She never leaves a tip because "its not her fault they have awful jobs." She hasnt come out and said it but I know she views me as a loser because I really enjoyed being a mother and wife more than the corporate life. She has a strong distain for women that are not high powered types.

My brother is a lot like my father. Buddies come first and even though he is married with children he lives his own life. If it suits him, he will brag about doing things with his kids to get the attention from others (mostly women he is thinking about screwing) but he is a horrible father. He is hot tempered and abusive towards his wife and kids. He cheats but no one talks about it. The things he says makes my skin crawl. I dont miss him. We have nothing in common. He is also self absorbed and lives the cliche of a masculine bad ass dude. I have no idea what my SIL sees in him but they remain married. She must like drama. She and I dont have anything in common and I dont really know their kids.

My husband's family is a whole other ball of wax. Large family and everyone gets together when the wind blows. I at first thought this was what I had always hoped for. A happy family that wants to spend time together. They seemed so "normal". My own mother can't keep a house clean and would rather be out and about then be home where my MIL is all about how things look. She hosted elaborate thanksgiving dinners every year and her house is impeccible but from the beginning, she treated me like I came from the wrong side of the tracks. She knows nothing about my family, good thing she doesnt because it would be worse. She is very icy, opinionated and critical. My SIL's are a like a mean high school clique. I have 3. The fake one, the evil one and the screwed up one. Then there is my husband that never lived up to my MIL's expectations of what a son should be. So MIL and the 2 SIL's are peas in a pod and the screwed up sister gravitated toward my husband and I. I knew she was screwed up mentally but she didnt judge me like the others. The thing is I couldnt handle being around her either because her husband is dick and she is hooked on prescription meds because she doesnt want to deal with her life. At family get togethers my MIL and 2 SIL's were purposely arrange seating so they sat together and the rest of us losers sat at another table. We are always separated by status. We had a falling out with screwed up sister and she said we are snobs now. The evil SIL would start gossip and rumors to get her mother riled up and we endured a lot of busy body behavior. They really tried their best to make my marriage hell. I wasnt good enough, I did do this right, I did do that right. It was exhausting. So I've got my family that doesnt give a hoot on what I am doing to a bunch of women picking me apart. I basically stopped going to family functions on my husband's side. Now they are annoyed. I cant win. They didnt want me there but now that I dont come around it pisses off my MIL.

My FIL is a whole other story. My in-laws divorced when my husband was a teenager. Same deal his dad got busted cheating. It wasnt the first time because ice queen would always turn a blind eye. My husband said they were the envy of the neighborhood and my MIL loved that. She is attractive and so was my FIL so everyone thought they were the perfect family. My MIL loved that so she wanted to keep up appearances. My FIL actually left her for a younger woman. My MIL promply remarried after the divorce to a man she barely knew. She would rather die than be a single broke mother. So she married for money. My FIL remarried several more times and turned into a racist wanna be hillbilly. He developed a southern accent from no where and lost all his money in various business schemes. He is very crude and talks about sex all the time. He makes inappropriate jokes and even asked our teenage son if he had sex yet but didnt use the word sex. He used the F word. So of course we limit our time with him. Funny thing is, my FIL really likes me. When he acts up I give him hell and dont take his crap. He brags to my husband that he married a good woman. He also regrets ever leaving my MIL now that he is in his 70's. he is broke, lonely and misses their prior life.

So ya....good times.
Your mom sounds narcissistic. Like mine was. Bratty selfish and all of that. If you are not a member of their fan club - you are OUT.

Read the rest too.

It's NOT YOU!
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Old 07-28-2012, 06:27 PM
 
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It DOES hurt! Every area of the country is "Family Oriented" - especially around the holidays.

We feel lonely a lot. We wish that our children had Grandparents aunts and uncles and cousins. But it's just us.

And often at a restaurant.

I am wondering if anyone thinks this is a really crazy idea. What if we all triedd to connect with others who lived witin two hours of our homes for say, Thanksgiving? We could meet half way at restaurants and cobble together a sort of patchwork family.

It may sound crazy, but it's no crazier than spending another holiday with those narcissists and braggarts.

Might be far out but I thought I'd throw it out there.
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Old 07-28-2012, 06:36 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,290 posts, read 4,946,183 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
It DOES hurt! Every area of the country is "Family Oriented" - especially around the holidays.

We feel lonely a lot. We wish that our children had Grandparents aunts and uncles and cousins. But it's just us.

And often at a restaurant.

I am wondering if anyone thinks this is a really crazy idea. What if we all triedd to connect with others who lived witin two hours of our homes for say, Thanksgiving? We could meet half way at restaurants and cobble together a sort of patchwork family.

It may sound crazy, but it's no crazier than spending another holiday with those narcissists and braggarts.

Might be far out but I thought I'd throw it out there.
I admire this creative approach . . .I just read somewhere that if you don't have family, connect with people on the internet . . .these are real connections. I think it is a great idea . . . from my experience in these groups, most users, for some reason, tend not to be in the West . . .I don't know where you live (will look in your profile), but I think it's a wonderful idea.
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Old 07-29-2012, 10:29 AM
 
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I dont know if this is the same thing or not but im going to write this anyways . I have a friend and i met her through work (I became disabled so cant work anymore ) , she told us all how she at one time had been a member of an amish community and that she had married this young man and he died very suddenly and she was left a widow . Well to make a long story short she met an outsider as they call it and she decided to start dating him well her family told her if she continued to do so they would disown her . Well she married that outsider and her whole family now has nothing to do with her because she is considered shunned , she has a sister who is shunned as well . None of her family can talk to her , except her sister who is also shunned . I think that must be an awful way to live . I dont talk to my mother by choice for some of the things she did but I know that is not the same as being shunned . Just thought I would put this here since it was sort of along these lines of the topic.
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Old 07-29-2012, 10:32 AM
 
7,782 posts, read 7,793,780 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
It DOES hurt! Every area of the country is "Family Oriented" - especially around the holidays.

We feel lonely a lot. We wish that our children had Grandparents aunts and uncles and cousins. But it's just us.

And often at a restaurant.

I am wondering if anyone thinks this is a really crazy idea. What if we all triedd to connect with others who lived witin two hours of our homes for say, Thanksgiving? We could meet half way at restaurants and cobble together a sort of patchwork family.

It may sound crazy, but it's no crazier than spending another holiday with those narcissists and braggarts.

Might be far out but I thought I'd throw it out there.

Yes I guess some of us have to make our own families dont we ? My husband and i have made some wonderful friends from the bowling alley, his job and the dog park . You know some things in common like the dogs and bowling etc ... it is good to have some things in common .
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Old 07-29-2012, 11:53 AM
 
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Reputation: 39
I know I need to accept reality, but sometimes I get blindsided. That happens when someone (whether it be a new acquaintance or someone who knows me well) states some event (minor or major) in their family or asks me about mine. For example, someone proudly shows a pic of their grandchildren. Or they know I am going to take care of an estate duty & they ask if a sibling who lives nearer the estate will help me. And I am reminded that all families have problems, some far worse than mine, but as a general rule, they were or are kinder.

My family, both living and deceased, are kind to others, but began a markedly different relationship with me since I was an infant. In fact, many people idealized my parents.

So at first, I was so isolated I did not recognize much behavior for what it was. As an adult, I tried counseling and my earlier post explains how that went.

I've always been able to make friends quickly everywhere I lived & workplaces always credit me with being a team player and showing willingness to help. But for the first time in my life, I found myself unable to make friends locally, despite having a few years here, joining a variety of organizations, taking classes different places and reaching out various ways.

Thankfully, I do have long-distance friends I stay touch with regularly. I think part of the difficulty of making friends locally is people are more self-absorbed than used to be. Regardless of why, the lack of family and several years here lacking local friends has been hard.
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Old 07-29-2012, 12:41 PM
 
6,880 posts, read 3,580,175 times
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Originally Posted by phonelady61 View Post
Yes I guess some of us have to make our own families dont we ? My husband and i have made some wonderful friends from the bowling alley, his job and the dog park . You know some things in common like the dogs and bowling etc ... it is good to have some things in common .

You're right! We do have to make our own family. The majority of people aren't wired to spend life alone but if you do, whether by our own choice or not, we can make friends and those friends quickly become our family. I think being a part of an activity or organization is a great way to do that, too.

Oh and welcome to the CD forums, BlueNight. Nice to have a new member. Hope to see you around more.
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