Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
A while back my husband and I, both the designated "black sheep" in very different but highly dysfunctional families, decided we had "had enough" abuse, torment and drama.
We were tired of being lectured by my husband's self righteous Pentecostal know-it-all sister, his bragging bigoted brother in law, who talks about shooting gays as a pass time and manipulated by his preachy and Machiavellian mother.
We were tired of my father who never stops bragging about the meager achievements of my half brother, who at thirty still lives at home and works part time while driving a BMW paid for by my father and his wife.
We were tired of not being invited to weddings and other family events in the case of my husbands famly.
And on my side we would be invited to Christmas and Easter only if I was on speaking terms with my drama queen younger sister who is narcissistic and manipulative.
But some how my younger sister is the "gate keeper" of such events.
So we moved out of state with our kids and his parents hire a PI to track us down!
We really feel we got the short end of the stick when it comes to families of origin. Our kids don't have grandparents, aunts or uncles.
But if we stay in this dysfunctional mess, we have to submit to being treated like second class citizens.
We know we are "the Normal Ones" and they are not.
Can anyone else shed some light on this strange dynamic? Are we the only ones?
Replace Pentecostal with die-hard Baptists and this sounds like my Mom's side of the family, lol. My mom has 4 sisters and one brother. The 3 sisters and 1 brother are all judgmental, self-righteous Baptists, as was my Grandmother (their mother), God rest her soul. The 1 sister was considered the black-sheep, outcast of the family because she liked to :gasp: drink alcohol, partake in a little bit of poker and bingo, smoke and just have some fun in life. What a concept, right? But to Baptists, these are no-no's. Needless to say, she decided to cut off all contact with the family because of how she was treated by her sisters and brother (my aunt's and uncle) and her own mother (my Grandmother.) I was always told (brainwashed) by my aunts, uncle and grandmother that she wasn't right in the head and that it was terrible the way she just had nothing to do with the family anymore. Obviously, being young and naive, I believed them and always thought she was the nutty one. Now at age 32 and obviously much wiser, I now realize that far from being mentally unstable and downright terrible one, she was actually the SMART & SANE one to get away from them. I don't blame her one bit. I was never that close to my aunts and uncle growing up, so needless to say, my mom, dad and siblings are really the only family I have. And as an adult, I decided to have as little contact with my aunts and uncle as I could. My Grandmother was the only avenue of having any contact with them, only because she was in a nursing home and I would run into them occasionally. However, my grandmother died this past April and although I miss her terribly, her death cut off the last avenue of any contact I would ever have with them. I really no reason to ever associate with them anymore and I'd rather keep it that way.
Replace Pentecostal with die-hard Baptists and this sounds like my Mom's side of the family, lol. My mom has 4 sisters and one brother. The 3 sisters and 1 brother are all judgmental, self-righteous Baptists, as was my Grandmother (their mother), God rest her soul. The 1 sister was considered the black-sheep, outcast of the family because she liked to :gasp: drink alcohol, partake in a little bit of poker and bingo, smoke and just have some fun in life. What a concept, right? But to Baptists, these are no-no's. Needless to say, she decided to cut off all contact with the family because of how she was treated by her sisters and brother (my aunt's and uncle) and her own mother (my Grandmother.) I was always told (brainwashed) by my aunts, uncle and grandmother that she wasn't right in the head and that it was terrible the way she just had nothing to do with the family anymore. Obviously, being young and naive, I believed them and always thought she was the nutty one. Now at age 32 and obviously much wiser, I now realize that far from being mentally unstable and downright terrible one, she was actually the SMART & SANE one to get away from them. I don't blame her one bit. I was never that close to my aunts and uncle growing up, so needless to say, my mom, dad and siblings are really the only family I have. And as an adult, I decided to have as little contact with my aunts and uncle as I could. My Grandmother was the only avenue of having any contact with them, only because she was in a nursing home and I would run into them occasionally. However, my grandmother died this past April and although I miss her terribly, her death cut off the last avenue of any contact I would ever have with them. I really no reason to ever associate with them anymore and I'd rather keep it that way.
Probably Southern Baptists, at that. You know, the ones that wanted to keep slavery. Yeah, I was raised by those people, too. Managed to overcome it.
Don't you hate when people side with an abuser? Makes no sense whatsoever.......but this is the thing about dysfunctional people. They THINK they are functional and normal and often side with other dysfunctional people. #creepy
Ha. I worked with people like that last job. They defined normal as insanity I guess, verbally abusive to each other, no compassion whatsoever (that was considered "weak" I guess). Would repeatedly say "shut up" to each other, one nut case got up and walked out & instead of firing her butt, the manager called her back and pleaded for her to return! Then, she nearly ran the place w/ her moods. Another "manager" would say *&^% to her boss on the phone! I suppose they were re-creating their families of origin, but they had no clue...
When me and my mom had a falling out about a year ago, I tried ignoring her and she wouldn't quit contacting me. Part of me felt bad for her too. I tried to stop talking to her cousin last spring and he still calls me. He even calls me when I'm trying to sleep.
One of the biggest things about dysfunctional families is that they need their source of narcissist supply...which would be you. BPD's also need someone to emotionally drain. If you don't get along with them, cut them off......it is for your own sanity and mental health (and your children, if you have any or thinking about having any). Some people say some family beats no family.....but what about having a piece of mind and a healthy mental state? To me, those are the two things you need to survive in this world. I'm not saying to cut your own family off because of a few blow-ups, but only for a life time of repeated emotional and psychological abuse due to a mental disorder. Here is how you can disconnect with your family the right way:
1.) Email- Change your phone number, and don't give it out. Make sure not to give it to her minions either (her cousin, or anyone else who thinks like her or takes her side).
2) Move away- I don't know, how close or far away you are from your parents, but moving far away always helps in this case. Don't tell her where you are, or if you must tell her the state, do not give her the exact city. You can continue to mail birthday gifts and cards, without a return address, of course lol
3) Build a support system- Try to connect with friendsd and family that take your side.
Some of these suggestions are a bit passive aggressive. Moving and changing your number might be necessary, but how about just making it clear to these people that you have decided they are toxic and you have decided to limit contact. Period. You are not required to answer your phone or accept invitations.
Or just establish boundaries and keep them. I have a relative who was all sweetness to my face and to whom I had been close and generous in various ways- but who was writing the ugliest possible fantasies as
email messages about me as a sort of online diary, sending the messages to themself. But this relative had a little habit of occasionally drinking to excess (very addictive personality - cigarettes, caffeine, and now, alcohol), slipped, and sent a message to me.
The first time it happened I tried to believe their far-fetched excuse (that a nasty friend of their teenage child had sent the message after overhearing discussion about me at the family dinner table) - but after three times?? No way. The ISP matched, there was no hacking as claimed; too much of the content was something only a family member would know, etc. All three messages were extremely perverse and very hurtful.
So I wrote my relative one last message, stating that I would no longer be in touch with them other than to show up at family events (I'm a state away, most such "events" are funerals) and send Christmas cards. I told them I hoped they'd seek help for their obvious problem. Shortly after sending this message, my previously mailed Christmas gifts to this person were returned, unopened, with no message but with their spouse's name on the return address. My relative had previously pleaded with me not to tell their spouse - even while claiming innocence.
Several years passed. Then my relative's only child ( a young adult with a shining future ahead, we thought)
died very unexpectedly. I went to the funeral, embraced my relatives, and hoped that this would not further tip my relative into dysfunction. I've been to a second family funeral since and spoke cordially to this relative but kept my distance otherwise. But at that time, it was clear that their spouse was drinking extremely heavily and that there was a huge elephant in the room. Prior to that, one of my relative's siblings had driven the spouse to rehab in a neighboring city - clearly, it didn't take and the slip was worse than the original addiction.
I've just visited their town - I saw their siblings and was told the problem relative had balance problems (I'll bet!), and that the spouse is still drinking to the point of being sodden each night. They stay up late and watch TV movies, drinking and smoking heavily all the while, then arise at mid-morning, seldom leave the house, didn't even see a visiting sibling during the five weeks the sibling was back in the old hometown where they still live.
Nothing is more cruelly painful than the death of a child - but this young adult child would never want their parents to descend into such addiction and dysfunction. Using their death as an excuse for their behavior is a disservice to their child's memory and to a life that was short but extremely well-lived.
I don't know that an intervention would be any use in this situation. Alcohol plays a huge role in the social life of the little town where they live, and I was always viewed somewhat askance there because I don't drink.
But our old family church, one block from where they live, has AA meetings in the undercroft each Saturday. I expect shame would keep them away.
Some of these suggestions are a bit passive aggressive. Moving and changing your number might be necessary, but how about just making it clear to these people that you have decided they are toxic and you have decided to limit contact. Period. You are not required to answer your phone or accept invitations.
That would work, if you weren't dealing with BPD's, Narcissist and possible psychopaths. If you claim they are toxic or talk to them point-blank, they will twist your words to make you appear like a villian to the rest of the family, who more than likely are ready to fall in line like brainless mules. The best way to fight passive aggressiveness is with more passive aggressiveness. I never accept invitations, but I might throw a gift card out, just so the half-way decent relatives in the family can say, "well she can't be all that bad". I did it when my sister had her first son. i was excited, but couldn't bring myself to actually go and see her because I didn't want to be surrounded by her mother or my dad who are both toxic. I just mailed a bunch of baby clothes, posted the pics in my Family album on FB....so that the family that I do like and actually get along with will see that I am a decent person, and not this villian/black sheep that my narcissist father and aunt try to make me out to be. Now, this is only if you don't want to cut off ALL of your family.....but that is just me.
omg, my husband has 10 siblings. Out of the five boys, three live at home(all over 50), the females run the show. For some reason , they shun my husband and alway make it uncomfortable at gatherings (family). You can tell they really do not want us around.
We have one son and I believe he is better off detached from them. he is in college, and they have contacted him just to aggravate us...
These are nasty and manipulative people that have a female ring leader, the parents favor her above allotters, especially my father in law.
Why do siblings gang up on one sibling in particular?
Finding this discussion makes me feel a little bit of comfort. I am recently divorced, have one child, and my dysfunctional family. I never even told them about my divorce because I didn't want to hear their drama behind it all. They are so uninvolved with my life, yet go to great lengths to make me look bad. I want to have certain relationships because I have a child, but I refuse to allow him to go through the things I did growing up and deal with the issues that I still struggle with as an adult. My family has done a number on me and I don't want that for my only child.
I often look at my family and think, 'And I'M the one on medication?"
I was clearing out a closet in the basement and ALL of these Christmas lights and stuff and pitching and organizing and came across these 3 white sheep and one black one. I don't decorate for Christmas anymore but I may put them on a door wreath...so appropriate.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
