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Old 07-26-2012, 10:09 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,144 posts, read 2,847,014 times
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Divorce courts are filled with couples who didn't turn out to be a very good "match."...I think friendships (and all relationships) can either be a "good match" and "fit" or a "match" filled with problems and conflicts. (That "whittle-away" at everyones' self-esteem and peace of mind over time.) Don't you think?...Why does a relationship that seemed so "promising" in the early stages turn "sour" over time? Was it a "good match" in the first place or not? Or do other factors "kick-in" as time passes?
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Old 07-26-2012, 04:11 PM
 
Location: PA
385 posts, read 401,538 times
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Note sure, but this is my take based on a recent experience.

There is notable space that has grown between my former "bff" and I for over 20 years in the past 2-3 years. I thought we would always be close friends, and it was always a very promising friendship (been friends with this girl since Jr. high). We went though a lot of life changes, and still remained friends. My family has even commented last time I attempted to spend time with her it seems as though she has changed (we met at my families house since it is closer to where she lives). We barely have as much to say to each other these days, and she has basically "replaced" me with a few other friends she lives closer to, works with, and parties with (I have never been one to party; she has been slowly becoming a "Wine-o" in the last couple years).

So, although things are very promising, people and circumstances can change over time. It can be distance in our case, but I have been living away over 10 years and the change has been in the last 2-3 years. I think other factors kick in over time. In this case it can be her increased emphasize on wine and partying, and I have never been one to party. In this case, we were probably a better fit/match at one time, and things changed.
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Old 07-26-2012, 05:20 PM
 
9,717 posts, read 6,991,738 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
Divorce courts are filled with couples who didn't turn out to be a very good "match."...I think friendships (and all relationships) can either be a "good match" and "fit" or a "match" filled with problems and conflicts. (That "whittle-away" at everyones' self-esteem and peace of mind over time.) Don't you think?...Why does a relationship that seemed so "promising" in the early stages turn "sour" over time? Was it a "good match" in the first place or not? Or do other factors "kick-in" as time passes?
I think that a long term friendship can result when there is a "good match'' or "fit" ....I really couldn't maintain a friendship filled with "conflicts" and "problems"...I'm not a confrontational person...so I could never allow that,... as a safeguard for my own well-being......some people do though.....I think a relationship that seems so promising in the early stages is pretty well how ALL relationships seem (especially to those involved)...what turns it sour is when one or the other has kept their true feelings and colors hidden from the other,.... and when life throws a curve, or something serious happens...those True colors come out,... and then is when they each see actual "reality'....and sometimes it ain't so sweet.
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Old 07-27-2012, 07:43 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,144 posts, read 2,847,014 times
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purehuman...I agree. It's not healthy to remain in relationships that are full of conflicts and problems...I think people can rush into marriage "too fast" and this probably applies to friendships too. (Where people become "instant best friends.")...At first everything seems great. But as you mentioned reality will set-in before too long and this can lead to some "rude-awakenings." As in: "Who are you? You're not who I thought you were!"...Or worse: "You let me down! You disappointed me! Go back to being who I thought you were in the beginning of our relationship!"...It takes time to get to know people. "First glances" can be deceiving. And we might be doing a lot of "projecting" when we first meet someone. (Without realizing it.)... When our illusions get "shattered" it can be devastating. (As you brought up.) So it's probably best to "go slow." And take a "wait and see" approach when we first meet people. (Versus jumping into new relationships "head first" and expecting "instant bliss" and "overnight success" etc.)
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Old 07-27-2012, 07:59 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,144 posts, read 2,847,014 times
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bluemonday...Thanks for sharing your experience with your friend. Know it's a "loss" for you. But it sounds like you've come to terms with her new interests and choices in life etc...Maybe she'll get tired of "partying" one day.
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Old 07-27-2012, 08:04 AM
 
Location: PA
385 posts, read 401,538 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CArizona View Post
bluemonday...Thanks for sharing your experience with your friend. Know it's a "loss" for you. But it sounds like you've come to terms with her new interests and choices in life etc...Maybe she'll get tired of "partying" one day.
Thank you for the encouragement. I admit, I hope she does someday, but in the meantime I have to move on or at least just be willing to let that friendship go if it is meant to be. I will find other people who are a good match or fit....hopefully!!
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Old 07-27-2012, 10:15 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,144 posts, read 2,847,014 times
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bluemonday...I hope it's just a temporary stage for your friend. Maybe she'll get bored and tired of "partying" all the time at some point...I went through a mild "partying stage" after my first divorce. I couldn't "party" too much because I was a single parent with 2 small sons to raise on my own. Plus I worked and took 12 units in college each semester.. I enjoyed going out dancing with friends once in awhile just to feel "young" and "free" again. But at some point it all got "old!" (And boring.) I still loved to dance but I didn't want to be part of the "singles' scene" in bars or clubs anymore...I definitely went through a "void" for awhile because all of my current friends (at the time) still wanted to go out on weekends. I had to "go it alone" for awhile until I met new friends who shared my new interests and lifestyle etc..I didn't "judge" or "look down" on my friends who still went to clubs. I still liked them! But we just didn't have quite as much in common anymore...I wanted to explore some new "paths" in life. And try on new "hats!"..Maybe your friend will "wake-up" one day and say: "That's enough drinking and 'partying.' I'm ready to move-on now. Time to see what else I can do with my life!"...Who knows?...Unfortunately we can't really "drill" a "hole" inside someone's head and tell them how to "feel" or what to "do." But some people decide to move out of the "partying stage" on their own in time. ..Good luck to you when it comes to making some new friends who share your interests and values etc. I'm going through sort of a "void period" myself right now when it comes to friends. My 2 close friends live far away now. I have some great casual friends in my area but we're not "super super close" all the time.
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