How can I best handle this? (person, member, brother, relatives) - Issues with friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances - City-Data Forum

katestar · 07-27-2012, 07:10 AM

I assume some of you saw and commented on the post about my MIL and living with us and that whole mess. Again, I appreciate all of the comments and support and things have been a whole lot better and I'm happy it's almost August and we can be done with this soon.

I mentioned in the last thread that MIL finally got a job, but then quit after 3 weeks because the boss lady was irritating and the work was laborious. OK, I understand. As far as I know she's been actively looking for something else. In the meantime, she's been cooking these Peuto Rican things and she sells them to her church people and some people in our complex for a set price. This has been going on two weeks now. I'm waiting for the electric bill which I have been keeping under control, but I'm afraid it's going to be significantly higher with the stove, the fan and the AC running for the cooking. Since it is the hottest time of the year, I anticipate it to be somewhat higher and I have averages from last year. When she first moved in, she was to pay a set price for rent and that was to include bills, which I pay. Would I be breaching this "contract" if I ask for a few dollars $10-20 depending on how much the bill actually comes out to be? It's not SO much about the money, I just want her to know that her activity is an extra expense and I don't want to pay for it. My concern is that it will be seen as unfair since her costs are set.

Here is a link to the old thread.

In-Law Situation

ShellNic · 07-27-2012, 08:05 AM

Sweet Kate, when will this madness end?

I think in this case, believe it or not, I wouldn't stress over 10-20 bucks. I do understand completely the principle of the whole thing, I really do. And I'm impressed your MIL is selling her food stuffs - that takes some motivation. This is how we wanted her to move.

I think because you're relatively close to the end, and she's made strides toward her goals (even if it took a great big shove), that this one point of contention can be put to rest. We've got it hot here in Texas and I hear ya on the electricity bill - outrageous. But if she's happy and motivated, you don't want to stop her in her tracks with a few bucks. Remember, more money in her pocket means she's one step closer to being out of your pocket.

Good luck.

katestar · 07-27-2012, 08:14 AM

Thanks ShellNic, that's what I've been thinking in my mind also. I'm afraid of that bill now LOL. No body thinks about the reprecussions of their actions it seems.

ShellNic · 07-27-2012, 08:18 AM

When I moved out of the house at 20 (folks asked me politely to LEAVE...LOL), I really had no idea about all the extras. Of course, they weren't extras: electricity, water, phone. We didn't have cell phones back then. Oh yeah, insurance. But most of us, hopefully, learn that at a young enough age that we realize when we turn down the air even a couple of degrees, we could put ourselves in the poor house when that bill comes in!!

Instead of asking her to pitch in, perhaps you can ask her to be mindful of the A/C temp and maybe get an extra fan for the kitchen. That might help a little anyways!!

katestar · 07-27-2012, 08:34 AM

Yeah, well we already had the AC discussion and I keep it at the highest possibly tolerable in Florida...it's at 82-84. I think it's just the build up of everything and now I can't see her in another way. She moved here and was complaining how it's not 100 degrees blah blah, it's been 100 everyday for a month. Does she go outside to get her suntan like she has been complaining she can't do when it's 95, no! She stays home and watches TV. I had a conversation with my GF about it, I think she's depressed, which is a whole other issue. I've suggested that she go to the senior center...they have very active seniors that do activites and trips etc. I know she's afraid of being alone (not live a lone, but have no relatives close), but as I have never had to deal with a situation such as this, I don't know what to do.

ShellNic · 07-27-2012, 09:19 AM

I'm afraid I don't know either...depression is a killa! I know from experience on this one. Maybe suggesting she move back to New York where the rest of her family is might allow her to have some hope. I know you're "tick-tocking" away till December...meanwhile, hang in there.

LeisureMan · 07-27-2012, 09:39 AM

Knowing me, I would have been on her like white on rice about the obvious increase in costs of utilities from this about the 3rd time this happened, or if she made it known she was doing this to make money.

katestar · 07-27-2012, 09:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeisureMan

Knowing me, I would have been on her like white on rice about the obvious increase in costs of utilities from this about the 3rd time this happened, or if she made it known she was doing this to make money.

Thanks for your input. This is how I'm feeling, but the bill hasn't come yet...should come next week. I need actual figures before I can run at her for it. My biggest annoyance is that I'm sure she isn't considering the increase in the bill because of this and won't offer up money before I ask, like I would. It's just the lack of thinking and consideration that gets to me.

I know Shellnic said to let it go, but that bothers me too. It's almost like I'm expected to foot the bill for this stuff. We went to buy toilet paper last night for the second time in a row. MIL will just see it in the pantry and not offer even a $1. It's no so much about the money but the acknowledgement of the fact that she is being provided with this.

ShellNic · 07-27-2012, 10:24 AM

I SOOOO hear ya...I know I'd struggle with the same feelings. I absolutely hate it when people take things for granted... or just expect you to provide for (XYZ) and make no mention of...appreciation even, let alone an offering to help financially.

Years ago, a friend of ours moved back to Texas and didn't have anywhere to live. He stayed with us for five months. He NEVER bought his own food, he didn't offer to help with anything. He was decent company and fairly respectful though and it really never occurred for us to ask him for anything because he wasn't in the best position financially.

Years pass by, and apparently he's completely forgotten that we ever offered our home to him. I'm not the kind to remind him that it was a sacrifice but it was. The way he treats us now is pretty shabby and he is of the opinion that he has no one who's ever helped him and he's all alone. Honestly, I don't know how this pity party popped up, but it's in full bloom.

I don't get people - I don't know why people stomp all over others' feelings, good nature, generous nature etc. I'm guessing it's because they're incredibly 1) SELFISH 2) Not bright or 3) Living in their own private world. Well, you know some folks here at CD care about your sacrifces and hope when the time comes, you'll know the right thing to do.

katestar · 07-27-2012, 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShellNic

I SOOOO hear ya...I know I'd struggle with the same feelings. I absolutely hate it when people take things for granted... or just expect you to provide for (XYZ) and make no mention of...appreciation even, let alone an offering to help financially.

Years ago, a friend of ours moved back to Texas and didn't have anywhere to live. He stayed with us for five months. He NEVER bought his own food, he didn't offer to help with anything. He was decent company and fairly respectful though and it really never occurred for us to ask him for anything because he wasn't in the best position financially.

Years pass by, and apparently he's completely forgotten that we ever offered our home to him. I'm not the kind to remind him that it was a sacrifice but it was. The way he treats us now is pretty shabby and he is of the opinion that he has no one who's ever helped him and he's all alone. Honestly, I don't know how this pity party popped up, but it's in full bloom.

I don't get people - I don't know why people stomp all over others' feelings, good nature, generous nature etc. I'm guessing it's because they're incredibly 1) SELFISH 2) Not bright or 3) Living in their own private world. Well, you know some folks here at CD care about your sacrifces and hope when the time comes, you'll know the right thing to do.

I don't get it! The conclusion we came to in the other thread is that people really don't know any different - not that they are trying to get out of things or forget or whaterver, they just really don't know any better.

My parents raised me a certain way. It was always say please and thank you no matter what and make sure the other person hears you. My parents taught me common courtesy - pay for the gas you use, be mindful of other people in the house, don't bang dishes at 7am, don't eat the last apple or drink the rest of the milk and not say anything. My brothers didn't turn out this way so I wonder where I got it from LOL.