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Old 08-01-2012, 11:48 PM
 
12 posts, read 46,682 times
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I wonder if any of you have gone thru the same thing with your siblings preferably sisters. I have an older sister who is 24 and lives out of town im the middle child and am 18. My sister feels very protective and tries to treat me as a child. She has had trouble accepting that ive growned up and the fact that im very mature and independent makes it harder for her which just causes us to end up in fights or arguments. I've distanced myself from here because of the fact that i cant really talk to her about anything or trust her. I understand her side because at the same time i see it with my younger sister but i feel that she needs to grow up and accept im an adult not a child. Ive been told she is jealous of me because of what i have that she didnt have at my age and other things but ive never brought it because i dont want to start a fight with her. It makes me sad knowing i cant count on my sister to be there for me as a best friend how we use to be but yet whenever she needs something im always there for her doing anything i can for her yet when i need something she cant do that. I wonder if any of you have been in the same situation with an older sibiling? how did you deal with it? Should i just continue to distant myself and do my life and hope one day she'll accept it?
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Old 08-02-2012, 06:40 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,431 posts, read 15,842,040 times
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I'm 60 and my older brother & sister are in their late 60s and, sometimes, they still treat me like their "baby sister" (they often introduce me that way). In general the older siblings will always be protective and "looking out for you". I found that the worse time was when I was 16 to 21 and they were already finished with college and starting families and careers and I was still in HS and college. It gets much better when you are both past those "in between years" (not quite a full, complete adult with adult responsibilities).

If you were close when you were younger you will be close again.

Last edited by germaine2626; 08-02-2012 at 06:49 AM..
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Old 08-02-2012, 08:18 AM
 
Location: Noblesville, IN
3,687 posts, read 3,914,776 times
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I'm the youngest at 45, with my brother (49), sister (51) and other sister (54). I don't really have a problem with my brother or next oldest sister, but the oldest sister is absolutely impossible. I will say that she has additional problems so it might not be fair to use her as an example.

BUT...

I don't really talk to her at all anymore. I feel she's forced my hand: if I cave, she WILL make my life a living hell. She probably could help herself but she doesn't. Let's see if I can list all the things she LOVES to do to me:

- Still brings up the fact that she changed my diapers when I was an infant. Yes, 40 plus years and she thinks that makes her my mother.

- She has not moved beyond my age 5 - in other words, she still gives me infantile directives - better go to bed, better take your vitamins, better do this and you should do that...she actually gets mad at me when I tell her to relax.

- She is extremely jealous of me...of what, I HAVE NO IDEA. She hates my husband. She'd prefer I dump him and move in with her so she can tell me what to do. Extreme? Yes, but she told me that once so I have to believe her on this.

- She messess with me to make me angry or hurt. Again, something she told me does frequently when she's drunk... which is frequent.

- Believes she's the expert on everything (and says it often) and when you tell her you actually know more about it and show her that you know it, she makes fun of me or gets angry and hangs up on me.

Look, I could go on and on...my sister is a world of issues...in normal circumstances, I would tell you that age and years will help the situation. But if her resentment of you increases, she never takes responsibility for anything coming out of her mouth, you will probably stay away from a person like that. You will struggle b/c she's your sister and you will mourn b/c she's your sister. I can't tell you how your situation will turn out but here's my advice.

Keep your distance. Be fun and happy when you're around her (this will help you more than her). If she starts in, tell her thank you for your opinion and walk away. DO NOT let her run away with a conversation so she can turn it into a fight. If in a few years, she has decided to give you some space and let you live your life, then that's great. But if she doesn't, that will be her loss ultimately.

Oh, and this may seem a bit paranoid, but do not share personal information about your life with her. I've found that my nasty older sister uses everything against me...and that's after she twists some tiny little factoid into some major rumor. It's really awful...I've struggled with this for years. It's only been since I've decided not to have anything to do with her that I'm finally happy. I can actually breathe now...
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Old 08-02-2012, 12:13 PM
 
9,209 posts, read 17,999,532 times
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I think the important thing you can keep in mind is that your relationship with your sister will always be changing. Right now, it's not like it was when you both were younger, right? So that also means that even though it's not great right now, it's not always going to be like this.

My younger sister is 3 years younger. As children, we fought all the time, most of the time we actually hated each other. Now that I look back, I see that even though our parents punished us for all the fighting, they also did things, probably without meaning to, that set us against each other, even as young kids. I think that part of my becoming an adult was realizing that, and not resenting them for it, as they really didn't know any better.

In our teens, from my point of view, my sister was a nightmare. I was a senior when she was a freshman, and she would start to get involved in my social circles, and try to turn people against me, and she'd spread nasty rumors about me to gain favor with the older kids. On top of all that, she was given WAY more freedom by my parents. For example, when she was in 8th grade, she had the same curfew as I did in 11th grade, but when I was in 8th grade mine was much, much earlier. It used to make me so angry because I was the "good" one, who would follow rules, get good grades, while she would break rules at home and school, talk back to adults, and get average grades. I remember coming home on-time in 11th grade, and she was still out for hours, and I think she was grounded for like one night, when I would have been crucified.

When I went away to college, I would have probably said I'd be happy to never associate with her again. I guess people talking to her would say (like your friends have said) that I was "jealous" of what she had that I didn't have. But from my point of view, and what my friends would reinforce with me was that, yes she did get a lot of freedom at an earlier age than I had (that usually happens from the 1st child to the 2nd child) and I probably had the right to feel a little resentful of that when I was still a young adult.

But with the distance, with less competition in the eyes of the parents, she grew up a lot, and I grew up too. After college, she and I even became more like friends, sort of, and hung out sometimes. I still llived away from the area, so she and I had different social circles, which also helped. She could be known for who she was and I for who I was. Then in my late 20s we actually took a long vacation together, just the two of us on a road trip to 3 different places. We did bicker a little, about stupid things like going to sleep with the hotel curtains open or closed. But for the most part, we turned out being friends, as the adults that we had become.

I guess my whole point is that you are probably just in a transition phase now, in terms of your relationship. It's probably best to wait it out a little. Both she and you will continue to grow as individuals, and time apart might also make things better. Then one day, you might end up "meeting" each other, and getting acquainted with each other, as if for the first time, as two mature adults.

Another thing I noticed, and it may or may not apply to you and your sister, is that we get along much better when we hang out together without my parents, and then she spends time with them and I spend time with them without the other sister there. I think having all 4 of us together brings up the old habits and old feelings that have been otherwise left behind.
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Old 08-02-2012, 12:21 PM
 
Location: Tulsa, OK
2,444 posts, read 2,225,169 times
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I have an older sister (59) and a younger sister (48) and I am in the middle (51). I will tell you, the older one thinks she knows everything (aside from being selfish, jealous, and vindictive) I stay away from both of them. We are nothing alike and have nothing in common (other than the same parents)
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Old 08-02-2012, 12:26 PM
 
740 posts, read 1,803,955 times
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Just...whatever you do DO NOT get pregnant/engaged/married before the older sister because she sounds like the type of vindictive person such that you would have an unfortunate accident lol
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Old 08-02-2012, 12:50 PM
 
12 posts, read 46,682 times
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I guess many people do go thru this all the advice sounds good and sounds like her, these past months i have been more distant not telling her much about my personal life because yes anything i tell her she tells me I'm wrong i don't know anything. Every time she comes into town she talks to my parents about how they need to take care of me more and be careful and not let me do what i want and complain of how they let me out late but not her. She has always been trouble with my parents so no matter how old she gets my parents treat her more as a baby than me which drives her crazy but my parents explain to her how I've never caused problems like her thats why they don't worry but she still doesn't understand. Im starting college and she had stopped going and finally decided to get back into school so both being in college at the same is probably going to add more problems to our relationship I'm just glad she lives out of town because it would be worst having her around, but it is a phase that we'll be in for a few years so i think ill continue to distance myself and eventually it will change like it has for some of you!
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Old 08-02-2012, 12:52 PM
 
12 posts, read 46,682 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emerald_octane View Post
Just...whatever you do DO NOT get pregnant/engaged/married before the older sister because she sounds like the type of vindictive person such that you would have an unfortunate accident lol
hahaha lol oh gosh lets hope not! ill try not to!
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Old 08-02-2012, 01:35 PM
 
Location: Noblesville, IN
3,687 posts, read 3,914,776 times
Reputation: 6122
Quote:
Originally Posted by collegestudent44 View Post
I guess many people do go thru this all the advice sounds good and sounds like her, these past months i have been more distant not telling her much about my personal life because yes anything i tell her she tells me I'm wrong i don't know anything. Every time she comes into town she talks to my parents about how they need to take care of me more and be careful and not let me do what i want and complain of how they let me out late but not her. She has always been trouble with my parents so no matter how old she gets my parents treat her more as a baby than me which drives her crazy but my parents explain to her how I've never caused problems like her thats why they don't worry but she still doesn't understand. Im starting college and she had stopped going and finally decided to get back into school so both being in college at the same is probably going to add more problems to our relationship I'm just glad she lives out of town because it would be worst having her around, but it is a phase that we'll be in for a few years so i think ill continue to distance myself and eventually it will change like it has for some of you!
You sound like you're looking at this rationally. I agree with TracySam about how you might "meet" each other in a few years and really bond (hopefully) but that this is likely a phase.

I know in my case, we weren't really raised in the house at the same time. However, my sister thinks I had it soooo easy...wow....but she's completely closed off to my getting older. She CANNOT accept it. Unfortunately, she never will. This is the difference, I think...IF your sister is able to find out who you are (even if it's down the road a bit), you really might be able to find common ground and grow to like each other.

I know that's how it is with my other sister. She'll say sometimes "wow, I didn't know you knew that... cool". Just a simple acknowledgement to me allows me to "get over" her little older sister things because at that point, I think she means well. Whereas the other sister constantly berates, insults, directs...

Her: What are you having for dinner?
Me: Pot roast.
Her: I hate pot roast. Why would you have pot roast.
Me: You asked what I had for dinner and you've told me 800 times you hate pot roast.
Her: Yea, I really hate pot roast.

Me: I like this blouse/house/food/tv show (fill in whatever)
Her: I hate that.
Me: But last week you said you liked it.
Her: I would NEVER say that. You don't listen.
Me: I do listen. Here's the context in which you said it.
Her: No, stop lying.

Seriously, hon, your sister probably doesn't come close to mine and I KNOW I'm giving silly little examples. I can't write the ones that have made me stop talking to her because I can't use that type of language on here and it would upset me, so I use the quirky ones. And I'm old, you're young. I had no idea at your age that my sister was dicking me around all the time...I just would never have believed my beloved older sister would hurt me so much...but she's got A LOT of hangups and doesn't want to grow up...even though she'll be 55 on her next birthday.

Keep the faith...you should be just fine!
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Old 08-02-2012, 03:45 PM
 
5,273 posts, read 11,881,644 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by collegestudent44 View Post
I wonder if any of you have gone thru the same thing with your siblings preferably sisters. I have an older sister who is 24 and lives out of town im the middle child and am 18. My sister feels very protective and tries to treat me as a child. She has had trouble accepting that ive growned up and the fact that im very mature and independent makes it harder for her which just causes us to end up in fights or arguments. I've distanced myself from here because of the fact that i cant really talk to her about anything or trust her. I understand her side because at the same time i see it with my younger sister but i feel that she needs to grow up and accept im an adult not a child. Ive been told she is jealous of me because of what i have that she didnt have at my age and other things but ive never brought it because i dont want to start a fight with her. It makes me sad knowing i cant count on my sister to be there for me as a best friend how we use to be but yet whenever she needs something im always there for her doing anything i can for her yet when i need something she cant do that. I wonder if any of you have been in the same situation with an older sibiling? how did you deal with it? Should i just continue to distant myself and do my life and hope one day she'll accept it?

Ya know what? Just love your sister as you're best friend and let her see you however she wants to and accept it. At the end of the day, so long as she loves you, what does it matter if she sees you as her 'kid' sister? Enjoy it.
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