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Perhaps it's because we had so many years in business where we had to put up with all kinds of people that needed limits set but in a way so as not to lose them as customers, that it became second nature.
If said in a non-accusatory or demeaning way and with a genuine sense of humor, you can say 'no' and 'knock it off' without destroying the relationship.
But, you really have to want to maintain that relationship to begin with.It doesn't sound like you really like this woman very much and would rather just be a friendly at-arms-length neighbor.
What do you actually want?
I don't have kids and am completely aware of how busy parents are. I think because she doesn't care how busy you are, it really has nothing to do with whether or not she has kids of her own. She's just that inconsiderate...all on her own.
I had a "friend" once who popped by unannounced and would POUND on my door waiting for me to open it. Sometimes, I'd walk up on her and ask her wth she was doing, as I clearly wasn't home. She once said she thought I was avoiding her. Truth is, I WAS. She thought that I should be there night and day, at anytime, to feed her, give her drinks, use my phone (the day before cell phones)...she was extremely possessive of me and didn't think I should have other friends. It was the weirdest friendship I ever had...even to this day.
If you tell her, she won't understand. She'll turn it around and it won't be her problem...it'll be yours. And that will compound your frustration. But you can try telling her a few things: most of your time is scheduled, but when it isn't, it's because you design it that way. Tell her that your unscheduled time is to keep your sanity so please respect that time which is not hers to occupy. If she comes over unannounced or stays or starts to "stalk" you, ignore her. Do not let her in the house. So what if she sees you? What on earth can she do? Get mad and leave?
Later, at your choosing, yell across the street and say "sorry, busy" and keep on moving. Eventually, you might share with her husband that you had to reinforce some boundaries that his wife seemed to forgot. As for church, you could repeat the mantra "well, that's between me and God" and be on your way.
Part of your problem is that she traps you...that's her power. Start being a little wiley...you don't have to avoid her necessarily but you have to have an arsenal to keep her at arms' length and be prepared to walk away from her. Even if she's talking to you...look, I know this sounds extreme...but you are already feeling trapped. You have the power to direct your life however you choose. Oh, and enlist your husband's help...have some kind of "safe" word you yell out there for him to come rescue you. She will eventually back off.
Perhaps down the road, you can reevaluate how close you want to be, but for now, she needs to see actions.
Thanks for your great words of wisdom. Aside from JanND, you all REALLY get the picture as it is. I don't mean to sound cold if I do. I try to be kind to people who want to be friends. My husband is my best friend. And I am his.
I thought she was a cool person and she's a 'nice' person but it's just not working out. For those who said to leave hints, been there done that. I have thrown (as I said in OP) SOOO many hints! They go in one ear and out the other. Either by choice, or she has severe ADD and just doesn't listen...or she doesn't listen to and ignores what she doesn't want to hear. Which would be a sign of selfishness.
Is it me? Or is it disrespectful of her to repeatedly bug me to hang out over there when I have TOLD her so many times that on weekends, my husband is OFF and we spend it together? I have even gone so far as to tell her that my husband is very much sensitive to the fact that he works 13hr shifts 4 days/week and misses us and so 'I can't hang out this weekend because (hub) wants to spend it together...' She will STILL call over to me if she sees me out front, 'hey, can you sneak over later for a glass of wine?' Really??.....I say to myself?? I would never do that to someone!
In the past month, I have told her several times, 'I have to start going regularly to our (Catholic) church because the boys are old enough now, to where I can't be bringing them all over to different churches....' SHE STILL PRESSURES ME TO ATTEND THESE OTHER CHURCHES. As she did this past weekend! And also had company in town for ONLY the weekend! Why would I #1 go to a Prostestant church when I TOLD her I was going to stop and #2 why would I leave my company for 2hrs on the day before they are leaving, and also the birthday of one of them...to go with HER to a Protestant church? and #3 why would she ask me this AGAIN?
We live RIGHT across the street from each other. I do NOT want to have a weirdness going on! And they are sitting out front all the time, in order to zone right in on us! Uncomfort for me!
She and I had a sort of 'tiff' a few wks back. It was her being pushy with telling me why my boys should be able to watch some PG-13 movie which has reviews that I do NOT like and would never let my boys watch. This 'tiff' was all via email. She wouldn't let up when I asked her to stop judging me for what movies I let or don't let my children watch! Then she referred to the movie review website that I go to, as 'legalistic'. Grrrr. She wouldn't drop it! She kept pushing the envelope as if she were determined to make me change my mind on this movie! (that she and her husband own btw, and they wanted to pop it in one day for my boys, I read the back and said 'nooo, how about that (Disney-G) one? After this tiff, that she escalated, we didn't then talk for about a week, until she emailed me and asked when she could come over for coffee again. I told her about our company coming and said that 'this' week, one day we'd do it. But, that was before this weekend when she pulled her Stepford (☺) stunt again. Lol. Now, I am going to dig in my heels. I now need to email her today as she is likely waiting to hear from me as to when we are going to have 'coffee'. I need to email her and tell her that I have decided that we are going to begin school (homeschool) in a week and that I have decided that we can't do coffee regularly anymore (once or twice a week) because we are going to try and get going with school earlier in the morning this year. So, this is likely going to not make her happy. She might not acknowledge it but she will probably pout. OR maybe she will apply MORE pushiness on me. Which would then tick me off because that would be really disrespectful of me, a mom who is very busy with homeschooling my boys. And I don't need more pressure from anyone. Any examples on how to devise this email to her, would be welcomed! I am cringing just thinking about sending it to her!
I feel like to her, when I turn down her pushy ideas or requests, I sound like this: blah blah blah blahhh blahhhhhh.
Last edited by twowolves; 08-06-2012 at 09:35 AM..
You probably do sound like that to her "blah, blah, blah". That's funny but it really is probably true. Your needs simply are NOT important...at least, not more so than hers.
When she yells across the street, wave. When her lips move, try substituting your own "blahs" and just wave. Pretend you don't hear her. I'm not a fan of passive - truly. But I don't think you really want to put her in a rage or anything, by being direct, so try this way. OR...just say NO. You see her lips moving but you know whatever comes out, your response will be no.
I do suggest possibly talking with her hubs...even if it's for a moment to tell him that your free time is fluid. Sometimes you need the alone time, other times you have things you have to accomplish. Ask him if she's aware of this and ask if it's normal for her to hound you? Of course, think of a better way to ask it, but maybe by "asking" him if this is normal for her, you can explain that while she's a nice woman, the infringement on your time and the pushiness of his wife is making you terribly uncomfortable...and that's just not how you want to live.
I feel like to her, when I turn down her pushy ideas or requests, I sound like this: blah blah blah blahhh blahhhhhh.
You are probably totally correct!
She isn't hearing you.
Be blunt, be brief, long explanations not necessary.......not even useful, since all she hears is blah blah blah
" Thanks, but not today"....."I can't"..." I don't really want to..."I' rather not".
Her opinions, suggestions, etc........that's when all you hear is "blah blah blah" and take a lesson from her as how to ignore it
Even without this woman, you sound like you have a very breathless schedule. And - obviously from your postings - this woman's way of being a neighbor/friend is a final smothering element in your day. This cannot turn out well the way it is going.
Therefore, just put a lid on it now. I wouldn't initiate any socializing with her at all, and if she comes over and is interrupting you and throwing your whole day into a cocked hat, then you will have to get rid of her firmly, and bluntly with no ifs, ands or buts.
I sympathize with you, a person such as you describe would drive me wild!
It's not a pleasant process to disengage, but the alternative will probably be much worse.
^this.
OP you apparently have a busy schedule and alot going on. Apparently your friend is selfish and wants you to just be there for her.
Its hard but dissociating is probably the best.
It sounds to me as if she is trying to be nice and relatable to you. Of course she doesn't understand how tired you are when you put the kids to bed.
She isn't doing a mean thing to you, just annoying you by trying to be too friendly. You are even going onto her porch for company? Definitely mixed signals.
Nip it in the bud, and tell her that you are a busy mother and you appreciate her friendship but you just don't have time for it as a mother and a wife. Don't go to her house anymore to sit on her porch, don't involve her in conversation.
Personally I would be flattered if someone were trying that hard to become my friend, but we are all different. She isn't your cup of tea.
Just another thought after reading another post. It isn't bad to have friends outside you and your husband's relationship. It is healthy and good!!!!!! My husband I go out on dates together for us time. He has boys nights for 'his' time. I have girls nights for 'me' time. It is important to have time to do your own thing.
Last edited by veuvegirl; 08-06-2012 at 10:25 AM..
Reason: .
OP you apparently have a busy schedule and alot going on. Apparently your friend is selfish and wants you to just be there for her.
Its hard but dissociating is probably the best.
I know, kevxu did say it perfectly. And so did you. I do have a lot going on. A LOT. Her? NOT so much.
Her daily concerns are what her husband is going to grill for dinner or what new organic or gluten-free food product she found and thinks that I (not into organics) should try.....
My daily concerns? Way more than that!
It is becoming more clear, with y'alls help, that serious distancing is called for here.
Someone asked what I wanted from this. Well, not much.
If she'd like to be friends, then I can/will be friends. But, it needs to be way less intense on her part. And I am not sure she's capable of that. As for her lack of (to my knowledge) friends, I'd be interested in her history in that area.
It sounds to me as if she is trying to be nice and relatable to you. Of course she doesn't understand how tired you are when you put the kids to bed.
She isn't doing a mean thing to you, just annoying you by trying to be too friendly. You are even going onto her porch for company? Definitely mixed signals.
Nip it in the bud, and tell her that you are a busy mother and you appreciate her friendship but you just don't have time for it as a mother and a wife. Don't go to her house anymore to sit on her porch, don't involve her in conversation.
Personally I would be flattered if someone were trying that hard to become my friend, but we are all different. She isn't your cup of tea.
Just another thought after reading another post. It isn't bad to have friends outside you and your husband's relationship. It is healthy and good!!!!!! My husband I go out on dates together for us time. He has boys nights for 'his' time. I have girls nights for 'me' time. It is important to have time to do your own thing.
I think you need to re-read all my posts. Do you think her behavior is normal? You actually think her pushiness and grilling me and repeating her same pressure tactics, and guilt trips, is normal? Oh, I wish you could deal with her for a month.
The only reason I am ever on her porch is because she guilts me into it. 'I miss you...you haven't been over in a long time, just come over for a cocktail...' As for her not knowing how tired I am at night, why wouldn't she when I tell her all the time how tired I am at night! Do you listen to your friends? Or is it in ear and out the other for you, too?
If I have a friend and she is expressing how she feels, or about her life, I LISTEN. And then I use tact and consideration according to what that person confides in me. That is what a true friend does. Not saying I am perfect, no I am not! But, I try to use SOME discretion......
I have friends. I have had friends. None of them were like 'THIS'. As for what I need outside of my marriage, is for me to decide. This post is not talking about any unhappiness with my marriage. Which is great and happy.
If you're interested, I ask you to re-read the posts. The majority that have answered have their finger on the pulse of what I'm saying. I think you're missing it.
I did read your posts. I think she is trying to make a friend. Maybe not in the best way, but she is trying. You don't like her, so cut her off. I am not missing anything. We just disagree.
I only mentioned about outside friendships because you posted about your husband being your best friend, you make time for him, he is very sensitive to his time off etc.
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