"Taking it elsewhere" - (geographically) - and its effect (father, husband)

[robertpolyglot]

I think about this every now and then - the saying that "you can't go home."

Let me give examples. We all know people who were one person at 17 and another at 27. They left behind their teenage awkwardness and became their adult selves, oftentimes thriving. One such case was a really smart friend no one would have noticed at my high school in LA. He bolted for New York, doing both Columbia and Columbia Law. He has made it as a successful lawyer in NY and has never looked back, never wanting to return to LA, except to visit immediately family. "You can't go home."

My story is a little similar. I was a different person at 17 than I was at 27. I grew 5", lost my acne, filled out (partly through the gym), got an adult face with a cleft in my chin, and trimmed back a head of dark curly hair to look more clean cut. I noticed that when I went to grad school elsewhere in the US and lived in Atlanta, the way I was treated reflected the person they saw THEN. Yes, "wherever you go, there you are" BUT "you can't go home."

I think of LA in very bittersweet terms. A few attempts to move back (in 1996 and 2004) did not work out, and I'm happy for it, as much as I wouldn't trade growing up there for anything. The 20-year HS reunion in LA was a watershed event (where are you, Dewdrop93, we need your analysis) in that everyone was boxed into their 17/18 year old phase of life and I never again wanted to touch that situation with a 10-foot pole.

The only down side for me has been leaving an area I liked in terms of climate/things to do and creating a situation where a lot of old friendships would wane due to lack of proximity. Do you agree that you sometimes need to move away to grow up and live your life? Have you done this? Have any of your friends?

[Thursday007]

My eldest brother and I are very close in age and we used to fight like cats and dogs. We were total opposites in almost anything and everything. He also wasn't that good at developing friendships or in social settings. It wasn't until after he went away to college and then came back that everything changed. He benefitted well in many things, including social awkwardness, when he chose to go away to school. We also became best friends and in that time extremely respectful of each other's differences. For instance - I did not and still don't get along well with my father and haven't seen him in years. My brother on the other hand is still, after all these years, trying to develop a relationship with him and partly due to his children knowing their grandparents. He respects the fact I don't talk to the man and never tells me to do anything different and I don't begrudge him in the least for wanting to develop a relationship with him. It even goes as far as making light of it. He was up here visiting and visiting my dad when I called him and he told me he was there and then said, laughing, "Do you want to talk to him?" Smart ass. More laughter. I guess the bottomline to my point is he did need to leave to grow up before coming back. I think he and would never get along if he hadn't and he'd be a different person.

[Ringo1]

Originally Posted by robertpolyglot

I think about this every now and then - the saying that "you can't go home."

Let me give examples. We all know people who were one person at 17 and another at 27. They left behind their teenage awkwardness and became their adult selves, oftentimes thriving. One such case was a really smart friend no one would have noticed at my high school in LA. He bolted for New York, doing both Columbia and Columbia Law. He has made it as a successful lawyer in NY and has never looked back, never wanting to return to LA, except to visit immediately family. "You can't go home."

My story is a little similar. I was a different person at 17 than I was at 27. I grew 5", lost my acne, filled out (partly through the gym), got an adult face with a cleft in my chin, and trimmed back a head of dark curly hair to look more clean cut. I noticed that when I went to grad school elsewhere in the US and lived in Atlanta, the way I was treated reflected the person they saw THEN. Yes, "wherever you go, there you are" BUT "you can't go home."

I think of LA in very bittersweet terms. A few attempts to move back (in 1996 and 2004) did not work out, and I'm happy for it, as much as I wouldn't trade growing up there for anything. The 20-year HS reunion in LA was a watershed event (where are you, Dewdrop93, we need your analysis) in that everyone was boxed into their 17/18 year old phase of life and I never again wanted to touch that situation with a 10-foot pole.

The only down side for me has been leaving an area I liked in terms of climate/things to do and creating a situation where a lot of old friendships would wane due to lack of proximity. Do you agree that you sometimes need to move away to grow up and live your life? Have you done this? Have any of your friends?

Sometimes that is what happens when you do try to move home again. Especially in a smaller town ~ you are 'boxed into your 17/18 year old phase of life'. You can never change or grow - everyone still sees that awkward kid.

I definitely agree that sometimes you need to move away in order to grow up and find your true self.

Not always - but sometimes.

My son goes back home to visit, but tells me he would never want to live there again. He is starting his senior year in high school here (moved here his sophomore year) and he is quite happy in a larger city. He, I think, felt more free to be himself - to not conform to the standard of 'normal' in our tiny, fishbowl, hometown. Here, he tells me, he does not have to worry so much about what people think of him or how they see him. I doubt that he will ever return home. That tells me his middle school years were worse than what I thought.

Best of luck OP and if you have tried to move back twice and it did not work out - listen to what the universe is telling you!

[robertpolyglot]

Originally Posted by Ringo1

Best of luck OP and if you have tried to move back twice and it did not work out - listen to what the universe is telling you!

Oh, yes, I have listened to it, both in 1996 and 2004. It just saddens me a little because most of my HS and college friends remained in, not specifically LA, but the greater SoCal area. When I go to visit, I now know I could never go back.

[Granny Sue]

Before I married my husband, I too attempted to "move back home" and found the same thing.
Most of my friends and aquantances were doing the same things in the same places with the same people. Some tried to get me to move back but I knew the I couldn't.

Like yourself, I'm glad that town was part of my life but I know I could never live there again.

[D217]

Well, due to parental situations, I moved away from my hometown and across the country when I was 15. Leaving behind everything I was familiar w/ was very difficult for me at the time.


Back then, the internet didn't exist for me or my friends, so we definitely grew apart and lost touch over the years....I'd gone back to visit family about a year later and I'd already changed alot (my style mainly, and the types of people I'd befriended), so I definitely felt out of place when I tried hanging out w/ some of my "best friends" from years earlier. Even reconnecting w/ some of them now online, I can see how different we really are, and don't seem to have much in common, or even to talk about. (most all of them are married/have children) I still love em though. That was a huge part of my life I'm grateful for. Some of the people who've "gotten out" seem to be more on my wavelength honestly, even if we weren't great friends as kids, we can relate better now, having seen the world.

Sometimes I often wonder what life would be like if I'd been able to stay there, but then I'm like- naaaah!!

There really is no going back. Life takes you where you need to go. I understand this now.

I've moved away from (and back to) my current city on several occasions, but since this is where I more so "grew into adulthood", I don't have a problem reconnecting with the area or my friends here. Sure, it's not as fun as it used to be, since we're all much older and boring now. (or to find some people are still in 'party-mode' is kind of depressing) I'm definitely open to moving again, lol. The experience of having let go of everything makes it much easier to handle and move through changes I'm faced with (as far as location goes).

I think alot of people tend to idealize the past, or only remember the good things, (my sister is like this about our hometown ) when reality is a much different story...!

[fallingwater]

A good friend of mine moved away from our hometown over 15 yrs ago. When she told me of her plans I couldnt help but be excited for her. I like adventure. Several years later she called me up and said she was feeling perplexed. She wasn't crazy about where she moved and considered another move. I suggested she move back. She became sullen and said, "You can go home again." I said that was silly, of course she could. She told me I was the only one she kept in contact with after she moved. This surprised me. She said I was the only one that supported her in the decision to leave and when she came to visit, it didnt feel awkward seeing me again. She did move but to a new place and not "home". Her attitude seemed a little strange to me but when I moved away 5 years ago I got a healthy dose of what exactly she meant. I think moving away from all that you know does change you and in a way, it helps you find who you really are.

A year after I moved away I had a terrible bout of homesickness. I went home for a long visit and after the first few days I realized I didnt really belong in my hometown anymore. I complained to my husband that everyone changed and he chuckled and said no one changed, it was me who had changed. I suppose he is right. So sometimes I have that perplexed feeling of what to do next. I cant go home again although I occasionally think about it and Im not completely comfortable where I live now. I think I will want to move again but it will be for another new place.

[Ohiogirl81]

I don't remember a time when I wasn't looking forward to getting out of my hometown. I did, at 18, and was surprised how much I missed it. Even so, I never wanted to go back, mostly because I was a newspaper reporter and I did not want to work for the hometown paper.

It's 35 years later, I've changed careers (the newspaper still sucks) and I think I could like living there now. And I would move, partly because my mom is getting older and there's no family nearby, but for the dismal job prospects. If a job does come along -- and I've got a few friends looking -- I would seriously consider it.

[WyoEagle]

I think moving away from home, even for a short time does wonders for personal growth. There are people I've gone to school with who have stayed in our hometown of 7,000 and they are barflies whose friends seem to be getting younger when you do see them at the bar. They haven't experienced anything outside of our town and it's hard to have conversations with them.

[43north87west]

Absolutely. I packed it up and moved. A lot. Mostly I followed job transfers and promotions, but once I just had it with an area and moved to the other side of the country in a different climate with different people.

Most of the people I went to high school with went to college out of the area, if not out of state. I left the state, returned for a while, then left again. Most of us, it seems, left the area. Out of my best friends, only one stayed around. All of us had a pretty enviable upbringing, but wanted to do other things. And we did them. Most of us haven't returned permanently.

A couple of years ago, things were gearing up for our 20th HS reunion. I found one of my best high school friends living 2 miles away. She and I hadn't talked in 19 years at that time. We reconnected and picked up like there was no gap. She was divorced, I was single, so we hung out quite a bit. One of the discussions we had was about the way that a lot of people who stayed behind after high school still sort of did the same things, hung out with the same people, and still seemed like they were in high school. Periodically I see them bouncing comments back and forth on Facebook, about going drinking or doing some other thing. They never really changed--those of us left, did.

I'm not saying either way is better, but leaving on your own, is a big step to take, and it's impossible that taking that step, won't change your life in some (or many) ways.