Bizarre CoWorker Rivalry (jealous, father, person, member)

[Ticatica]

My coworker sees me as a threat no matter what I do. I've been polite and even recommended her in the past (before I found out about her jealous feelings). I came in after being on hiatus and oddly enough she bumped me hard on the shoulder--like she was angry I was on her turf!!! Now it's drama after drama culminating with her accusing me of insulting her parents and threatening me physically! I took it to management and they backed me. Management suggested I could apologize for the (non-existant) incident and I refused to engage with her while she was ranting. She refused to stop ranting until I apologized. What else would be good to do to diffuse the crazy behavior or is that even possible?

[Granny Sue]

Let's start with...how old are the people involved? This is striking me as older teen or young twenties.

I'm old and have been around the bush a few time so have little patience with stuff like this.
I understand why your management made the suggestion but I have a problem with apologizing for something I didn't do.
Document everything! Continue going to management. If they don't know how bad it is there isn't anything they can do about it.
I would suggest that management sat both of you down at the same time and hear both stories and insist they make a decision.

For your own sanity and well, security, you might have to look for another job.

But kudos to you for taking the high road and not stooping to this bully's level.

[Upstate Nancy]

I wouldn't leave a job because of any co-worker. Just keep documenting and if you have to get an attorney.

[lauramc27]

I know what you can do to shut them up. Go buy one of those small recorders and keep it handy. Whenever the co-worker comes up to you, bring the recorder out and let them know that you will be recording the conversation. As long as you tell them you are recording them you won't get into trouble. That should take care of it.

[MaseMan]

The recorder idea is a good one. Also go to HR (if you have one) every time there is an incident. At some point the company will be forced to deal with this toxic person.

[exscapegoat]

Don't apologize for something that didn't happen. Doing so would:

1) teach her that false accusations will get her way. That's a bad precedent to set

2) give HR ammunition which they could use against you at a later date. Someone, somewhere in HR is keeping a paper trail of this drama. If they jot down that the situation was resolved because you apologized, then you're down on record for doing whatever it was that she claims you did. Not something you want.

I would recommend getting management to mediate to clear up that you didn't insult her parents. Let's say for arguments sake, she's claiming you said a la Monty Python & the Holy Grail, her mother was a hamster and her father smelt of elderberries.

First ask for the specifics;
You to Management: I didn't insult her parents. When/where did this incident occur and what does she claim I said?

Management will respond one of 2 ways:

1) they will be unable to provide specifics. In which case, point out that the lack of specifics means it's likely someone's not telling the truth.

2) Management: She claims you said her mother was a hamster and her father smelt of elderberries by the water cooler on Monday the 5th at 11 am

In this case, if you can prove you weren't even there, do so. If you were there, were other people there who can back up that you didn't say this to her?

If you said something which wasn't that, but could be misheard, such as "that Danster loves strawberries", then offer to clarify, with a 3rd party present to mediate. If you were quoting the line from the movie, then it would be similar, have a 3rd party mediate to explain it's a popular movie quote and you weren't directing any insults towards her parents.

[exscapegoat]

PS the physical stuff is unacceptable as is the screaming. Tell management you won't work with her when she's screaming, you will leave the area. And if she gets physical again, let them know you will call the police and press charges. Most businesses don't want the police coming by, so that may be a motivation for them to reprimand her properly. Also, if you have a handbook, check to see if it says about employee violence, screaming, etc.

Basically, a lot of people who end up handling complaints like this want everyone to get along, because it makes their job easier. As long as the company's not in any threat of losing business/getting sued. Even in cases where one employee is clearly in the wrong, the first line of defense tends to be "let's get everyone to shake hands".

I dealt with a co-worker who would scream at me, physically block my doorway to intimidate me and threw things down on my desk/work area. She cursed directly at me fairly regularly. Our manager hated conflict and used to let her get away with it. I should have at least told the manager I was going to HR, maybe she would have done something about it to stop me from going to HR. But I was of the "don't make waves" persuasion. I had a poor sense of boundaries back then. Now I'm a firm believer in stop the crazy when it starts. The irrational one tested me a few times. I should have nipped it in the bud. And then if that didn't work, I should have just told our department director flat out I'd go to HR if she didn't do something about this women's behavior.

I heard that her temper eventually did get her into trouble (not at work though). The funny thing is she used to badmouth me to colleagues and say I was incompetent, etc. Yet she complained when I left that I wasn't there at a busy time. Isn't that kind of contradictory? I mean if I'm incompetent, how can it adversely affect things when I'm gone? Not to mention, when you go on a campaign to destroy me/make me miserable, you honestly can't be surprised when I decide to leave. Nor do you get to dictate the timing when my leaving is voluntary (found another job) beyond standard notice time.

The conflict adverse director didn't even want to hear me out when I wanted to tell her why I was leaving. She had a meeting to go to right after I verbally gave notice. Fair enough. But I still had at least a week after I told her (she was on vaction, so I'd notified the next 2 people on the chain of command with written notice). I told her I was available any time to detail why I was leaving. She never took me up on it.

[laorbust61]

Originally Posted by Ticatica

My coworker sees me as a threat no matter what I do. I've been polite and even recommended her in the past (before I found out about her jealous feelings). I came in after being on hiatus and oddly enough she bumped me hard on the shoulder--like she was angry I was on her turf!!! Now it's drama after drama culminating with her accusing me of insulting her parents and threatening me physically! I took it to management and they backed me. Management suggested I could apologize for the (non-existant) incident and I refused to engage with her while she was ranting. She refused to stop ranting until I apologized. What else would be good to do to diffuse the crazy behavior or is that even possible?

Tip: Don't act like you're in the confessional when you in the HR office. You'll regret it somewhere down the road. Just remember that you don't know everything about why mgmt is apparently giving her a pass to be a sociopathic b**** ; Tread CAREFULLY and be careful what you say in dealing with all of them. And document! And don't keep the documentation at the office!

Their suggestion that you apologize in order to placate her gives HR & her more ammunition to use against you. She refuses to stop acting aggressively towards you until you act docile, apologetic and submissive towards HER. Now that is sociopathic bullying if I have ever seen it.

As hard as jobs are to come by, pretty sure you want to hang onto yours. It may be time to see an attorney and ask him or her if a hostile work environment is being created for you based on the combined actions of this aggressive abusive co-worker and management.

Good luck, watch your back.

[Sundance]

Originally Posted by Ticatica

My coworker sees me as a threat no matter what I do. I've been polite and even recommended her in the past (before I found out about her jealous feelings). I came in after being on hiatus and oddly enough she bumped me hard on the shoulder--like she was angry I was on her turf!!! Now it's drama after drama culminating with her accusing me of insulting her parents and threatening me physically! I took it to management and they backed me. Management suggested I could apologize for the (non-existant) incident and I refused to engage with her while she was ranting. She refused to stop ranting until I apologized. What else would be good to do to diffuse the crazy behavior or is that even possible?

You must be a nurse.......sounds like a typical day on the floor........

[Ticatica]

Originally Posted by Granny Sue

Let's start with...how old are the people involved? This is striking me as older teen or young twenties.

I'm old and have been around the bush a few time so have little patience with stuff like this.
I understand why your management made the suggestion but I have a problem with apologizing for something I didn't do.
Document everything! Continue going to management. If they don't know how bad it is there isn't anything they can do about it.
I would suggest that management sat both of you down at the same time and hear both stories and insist they make a decision.

For your own sanity and well, security, you might have to look for another job.

But kudos to you for taking the high road and not stooping to this bully's level.

YES you are right, she is in her 20s but late 20s not 20-21. Old enough to know better. I think they suggested an apology to just let bygones be bygones. But, I agree, I don't think I need to apologize for something I didn't do to some screaming banshee. I've seen the next higher supervisor and she had nothing to say on the matter. She doesn't see me as being in the wrong or doesn't see it as worthy of comment.

Originally Posted by lauramc27

I know what you can do to shut them up. Go buy one of those small recorders and keep it handy. Whenever the co-worker comes up to you, bring the recorder out and let them know that you will be recording the conversation. As long as you tell them you are recording them you won't get into trouble. That should take care of it.

I'm keeping a recorder handy from now on although with her screaming, I don't think there is any secret of what she's saying. lololol

Originally Posted by exscapegoat

Don't apologize for something that didn't happen. Doing so would:

1) teach her that false accusations will get her way. That's a bad precedent to set

2) give HR ammunition which they could use against you at a later date. Someone, somewhere in HR is keeping a paper trail of this drama. If they jot down that the situation was resolved because you apologized, then you're down on record for doing whatever it was that she claims you did. Not something you want.

I would recommend getting management to mediate to clear up that you didn't insult her parents. Let's say for arguments sake, she's claiming you said a la Monty Python & the Holy Grail, her mother was a hamster and her father smelt of elderberries.

First ask for the specifics;
You to Management: I didn't insult her parents. When/where did this incident occur and what does she claim I said?

Management will respond one of 2 ways:

1) they will be unable to provide specifics. In which case, point out that the lack of specifics means it's likely someone's not telling the truth.

2) Management: She claims you said her mother was a hamster and her father smelt of elderberries by the water cooler on Monday the 5th at 11 am

In this case, if you can prove you weren't even there, do so. If you were there, were other people there who can back up that you didn't say this to her?

If you said something which wasn't that, but could be misheard, such as "that Danster loves strawberries", then offer to clarify, with a 3rd party present to mediate. If you were quoting the line from the movie, then it would be similar, have a 3rd party mediate to explain it's a popular movie quote and you weren't directing any insults towards her parents.

I agree 100%. I don't want one weak manager to railroad me into apologizing for peace at any price and then putting it on me. This woman, the complainer, is acting like I have some agenda against her and sought her parents out to abuse them. It's complete lunacy or a set up.

Originally Posted by exscapegoat

PS the physical stuff is unacceptable as is the screaming. Tell management you won't work with her when she's screaming, you will leave the area. And if she gets physical again, let them know you will call the police and press charges. Most businesses don't want the police coming by, so that may be a motivation for them to reprimand her properly. Also, if you have a handbook, check to see if it says about employee violence, screaming, etc.

Basically, a lot of people who end up handling complaints like this want everyone to get along, because it makes their job easier. As long as the company's not in any threat of losing business/getting sued. Even in cases where one employee is clearly in the wrong, the first line of defense tends to be "let's get everyone to shake hands".

That's exactly how it worked out. They suggested an apology and I said we never got to discuss that because of her raging and I would never consider an apology to an abusive out of control person. Then I walked away from all of them rather than let them press me into taking the blame for some bs that never happened.