Did you ever have to end a friendship because you disagreed with the person's morals & values? (girlfriend, boyfriend)

[TracySam]

Lately I'm been remembering a few friends I'd had in the past, with whom I had to break-off because I was seriously bothered by their apparent morals & values. These fell into two categories: people who I had thought were good people, and then later learned differently, and people who started off as good people, but their behavior changed so severely I could not and would not associate with them anymore.

I think when I was young (high school, college, 20s) I would associate with lots of people that I would never get involved with today. If guess that's the wisdom of age, the self-confidence I've developed about when and where to draw the line, and perhaps I've learned that my parents' message is actually true: who you associate with says a lot about you--reputation matters, and it is easier to slip into behavior that's wrong if you are around it more.

Some of my examples:
--A guy I was friends with in college: We had fun hanging out, drinking, making jokes together. He was intelligent, but didn't get the kinds of grades I got, because he didn't really care to try. He would hook up with different girls all the time, and we would talk and even laugh about his conquests. Finally it really got to me. He was sort of a predator, and was really hurting a lot of these girls, convincing them he really liked them, just to hook-up. It was Freshman year in college, and several of these girls actually gave him their virginity before he dumped them. I realized that with my laughing along with him, I may have been encouraging him, and I was playing the part of his audience, which made him feel good for being a cruel jerk. Also, since one of his best buddies (me) was a girl, it made him seem like an even nicer guy to these unsuspecting girls. I cut off all contact with him.

--A friend in college, until a year after college: She was in my circle of friends, not a best friend or anything, but part of a group that my roommates and I would get together with. When we were still in school, she was one of the few our age who had all kinds of technology: nice CD player (CDs were still kind of exciting), VCR, big TV, video camera, fancy stereo system in her mediocre car, etc. It turned out she was working for an electronics retailer, so I fgured she got a good discount. I later learned that she and co-workers would routinely steal from their store. She was actually a good student, and was majoring in a field that would eventually earn her a good living. I first learned of the stealing when my boyfriend at the time arranged to buy a fancy camcorder/VCR from her for something like $100, when it was worth much more. I was shocked to learn that she was stealing this from her store, and that it was no big deal to her, and that my boyfriend thought it was cool and exciting that he was receiving stolen goods. I distanced myself from her, and got rid of the boyfriend around the time we graduated. Then during the year after college, this girl and her new boyfriend came to a party my roommates and I were having. I hoped she got over her adolescent theft phase, as she was now in a seemingly "good" job in her field. I found the two of them asking my roommate if they could "borrow" our basement for a few weeks. My roommate was almost ready to say yes! It turns out that the boyfriend was a store manager for a furniture store, and they wanted to store 6 expensive leather recliners in our basement, until they could sell them!!! I freaked out, and said absolutely not, and if they kept talking about this, I'll call the police on them. They just chuckled about me being so uptight about such a thing. I actually was in a huge fight with my roommate after this, because she had been so ready to open up our house to this. She was acknowledging that it was wrong, but since WE wouldn't be the ones committing the crime, and we would "never" be caught or in trouble, she didn't see why I was so upset. She actually didn't have a great self-esteem, and this led her to agree to do all kinds of favors for ANYONE who asked, so she would get their approval. Once I moved out, I decided to just "drift apart" from her too.

--In my 20s, most of us were all single, or in dating relationships, but my one friend, "Julie," was married with a small child. We actually became pretty good friends, we worked together and hung out a lot. She seemd to be a responsible mom also, and her husband and mother in law were great about babysitting so she could go out sometimes. I also hung out with her and her husband together a lot, and considered the husband a friend as well. After about a year, Julie started coming out more often with the rest of us after work. She also stayed out until 2:00 like we did, even though she had a kid and husband at home. But so far, I was okay with this; who was I to judge, right? Then Julie started cheating on her husband with a guy who hung out with us. They acted like a couple, right there in the bar, his arm around her, kissing in public etc. The guy's friends were congratulating him behind the scenes: "hey you bagged the married chick!" She confided in me that they were really in love, and she was even sneaking her daughter out to outings with this guy. But then, she started hooking up with other guys, when her "boyfriend" wasn't there. This hooking up definitely involved all-out sex. She even had sex in one guy's car in the parking lot of the restaurant/bar we were all at. I think I was paralyzed with shock, because I didn't say anything to her, and kept being her friend. She convinced me that her husband didn't really understand her, and they had married too young. He never went to college like we all did, and they had grown apart, blah, blah, blah.
The turning point for me came when her husband got wise to the "boyfriend" whom he had met a few times when he came out and was not home with their child. He evidently caught the two of them together in a car one night, when she stayed out very late, and she convinced him they were just talking, and that the guy just needed someone to talk to because he was "having girlfriend problems." Julie actually had the husband call me, so that I could confirm that she was not cheating, and that Julie and boyfriend were just friends, and whatever he was suspecting was wrong. I think I stammered through some lame story of how yes, they were just good friends, and I'm sure he had nothing to worry about. I'm a terrible liar, but somehow he believed me because he really wanted to.
I let this go for a month or two, still hung out with Julie, but didn't see her with the boyfriend again. The other guys she had hooked up with would come once in a while, but they acted like nothing had happened. One day I called her and just said that I was really bothered by what she was doing to her family--she was not just betraying her husband but her child too. I also told her I was really upset that she used me to lie for her, and just assumed I wouldn't blow her cover. I told her I was even angrier at myself for lying for her to her husband who didn't deserve that. I told her that I would not tell her secrets, but I could not be her friend anymore. I would be cordial to her at work, and if we ended up in the same social functions, but she ws no longer my friend.

These things all happened years ago, but they stick with me. Partly because I can't believe how much I tolerated from "friends," and partly to remind myself that every person we choose to associate with affects us, so to be very judicious about whom I spend time with.

Anyone else end a friendship because of differences in your morals?

[aspentree]

I think mostly I've drifted apart from people that I didn't share the same values with. I didn't do anything concrete to end the friendship.

There was one woman that I used to hang out with occasionally who was the mom of one of my kid's friends. We weren't close, but she would probably say otherwise. We mostly got together for playdates. She made more than one racist comment to me, and that was sort of the tipping point in me wanting to end the friendship. That was the most recent example.

[duster1979]

Originally Posted by aspentree

I think mostly I've drifted apart from people that I didn't share the same values with. I didn't do anything concrete to end the friendship.

Same here. There are lots of folks that I was close to in the past that I've grown away from over the years in part due to differing values, but I can't recall one instance where I've "formally" broken off a friendship with someone over it.

[strawberrykiki]

I don't think I could be friends with anyone who did the things the OP described.

[CSD610]

I would have definitely kicked that friend to the trash bin when I first found out she was cheating on her husband. I don't want or need anyone like that around me or my family.

[Thursday007]

I had a friend whom I discovered was having an affair on her husband with her one son's 15 year old friend. So, yeah, I did it in a heartbeat.

On the flip side, I had a friend who became a born again and went so far off the reservation I couldn't stand being around her anymore.

[TracySam]

I agree Strawberry! I'm now 43 and have much more perspective. I think I "forgave" so much because I was still young, and wasn't sure how to assert my opinions, and I was fearful of losing friends. I think after not being "cool" in high school, then making tons of friends in college, I was eager to keep as many friends as posisble and not make waves with anyone.

There also seemed to be a prevailing opinion among those in that age group that said "don't judge others." I hear this a lot from people in their early adulthood even today. I think you get to a certain place in life where you realize you really DO need to make judgments about others, and that doesn't make you a bad person, but a wise one.

I also didn't mention the many people I've been friends with who cheated on boyfriends and girlfriends. I've always had a BIG problem with that, but I often felt I was the only one. I included the one cheater example here, because she was MARRIED and most would judge that negatively even if they don't worry so much about unmarried people cheating on partners. At this point in my life I even stay away from people who cheat on girlfriends and boyfriends, because it tells me the person is likely not trustworthy in any area of their life. But a lot of other people seem to think it's more acceptable, and that a person can be dishonest in one area of life, but be completely honest and trustworthy in the other areas of their life. I don't buy it.

[cpg35223]

Well, first let's define the word 'friend,' for it has a different meaning than 'acquaintance.' The term 'friend' implies a certain level of trust, as opposed to simply being someone with whom you have funny conversations. One can be an acquaintance and not be a friend. The sooner you differentiate the two, the better off you'll be. Being a social kind of guy, I have acquaintances by the boxcar. I have five friends.

So if someone demonstrates dishonesty, whether by lying, stealing, or cheating, then this is a person whom you cannot trust. Of course, if it were a person who did the action the OP describes, I'm not sure I'd want him or her in my circle of acquaintances either. Hey, I think we're all human. We all make mistakes. We've all done things we're not proud of, especially in our youth. So I guess, I'd give the college guy like the one describe a pass if he resurfaced today. The other two, not so much, unless they were pretty forthright by saying, "God, what the hell was I thinking?"

[Hedgehog_Mom]

I don't socialize with people who behave in ways I don't think are acceptable...for example, openly cheating on their spouse, making racist comments, having many one night stands, getting obnoxiously drunk in public, getting in physical fights with strangers, etc.

On the other hand, I had a good friend drop me suddenly once. We had never discussed religion and one day she asked what my beliefs were, and then two seconds later said she couldn't be friends with me because I wasn't christian and I couldn't be trusted to raise my children with the right values, so they couldn't be around her child.

[TracySam]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

Well, first let's define the word 'friend,' for it has a different meaning than 'acquaintance.' The term 'friend' implies a certain level of trust, as opposed to simply being someone with whom you have funny conversations. One can be an acquaintance and not be a friend. The sooner you differentiate the two, the better off you'll be. Being a social kind of guy, I have acquaintances by the boxcar. I have five friends.

As a 43 year old, yes, I agree the first two would have fallen into the "acquaintence" category and not "friends." But at the time, I would have considered them all actual friends. Now "friend" is more of a trusted confidant with whom I have a lot in common. But back then, it would have been "anyone I hang out with on a regular basis, who I generally get along with, who I have some things in common with, and who also seems to enjoy my company." Today I'm much more picky about whom I consider a "friend." But of course, if I talk about an acquaintence, I say "a friend of mine..." and they say the same of me.

The woman who ended up cheating on her husband had started off as what I consider a true friend. We confided in each other, etc. After about a year, she began to change. I actually think it was hanging out with me, and our other unmarried 20-something friends, that "sparked" her change. I think she became envious of those of us who were single and hadn't gotten married to our high school sweethearts at age 20. I guess she decided she had missed out on everything we had, only having been with one guy in her life, and then marrying him. This of course does NOT excuse what whe did, but it explains it a little.