Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
So do I cease communication with her? My hard past of understanding this is why it is geared only toward me and not my siblings. If it was as bad as you say 2 years ago, where I still saw a fresh mind that could beat me at scrabble all day long, then why was it geared toward me then?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolhand68
All I can say is keep doing your part to maintain the relationship. The day will come when it is no longer an option. Try to keep the regrets to a minimum.
Listen to Coolhand on this one--the regrets would be severe if you blocked her from your life. Lord knows I thought about it many times with my mother but after she passed away last January, and with me knowing that I had done everything that I could for her, I was completely at peace and she got lucid enough in those last couple of weeks to tell me she was sorry for the way our relationship had been. I have no pent up anger left and can look at it rationally now and w/o negative emotions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MistyTrue
Shaky J,Southern Belle in Utah is right on the money. Deterioration of the brain from dementia can start years before there is a known starting point of when she started going downhill; this deterioration would have affected her day to day thinking and behavior in small ways, which may have been played off as quirky, unreasonable, or 'that's the way mom is'. As for the here and now,Shaky J, I would ask you to please do all you can to see your mom NOW, while she still remembers who you are. If you love her,and it sounds as if you do, don't cut her off the way she has cut you off. Your own emotional well being depends on it. Think of it this way: once the mother that you love and raised you dies, you will never be able to hug her and tell her you love her. Never. Her brain is shrinking, and she may not know you from the picture on the wall, but no one can really say what her brain is doing. Yours,on the other hand, can, and it will not be good for you to spend the rest of your life knowing you didn't let your mother know how much you loved her.
Yes my mother began to get really paranoid about 15 years before the dx and kept saying that people were stealing from her, people like her own mother. She never confronted anyone directly but she would screw up her lips when they came around. As far as I know she never accused me but she would not visit me and on the rare occasion when she was forced to, she would sit on the edge of her chair and not take her coat off. It was very odd behavior and extremely hurtful but the thing that helped me get through this was to realize that i'm here to love people and that's even when they don't return it. I don't mean I was hugging on her all the time but as my parent I honored her by being there when she needed me and not letting her fall to the wolves and I was there every weekend in those last few months though she lived 2 hours away and I have a fulltime job.
Also, I encouraged my brother to take control of her bank account so bills could be paid and trashy sis could not help herself. If you can't do that, maybe you could get one or some of the bills that need to be paid and pay that from the money you owe her so at least you'll know your bro isn't snorting up your money.
Please don't lay this guilt trip on the guy. He sounds like a good man.
NEWSFLASH: This is a public forum.
I never said he wasn't a good man but merely stated the fact he provided, he moved away. I am not making a judgement as to whether his leaving was good or bad but that she may have reacted to it.
The bills I am not worried about as she handed power of attorney and management to a trusted family member. No worries there.
My dad is a bit older than my mom. They have done much for me and I have done much for them. I have to admit I am at peace with anything that may happen because when I moved, I realized that I may never see them again based on their age. I set my mind on that very real possibility and if they both passed today I would be at peace with it.
This goes a bit beyond my mom because I know this will come back as a family argument one day. No one is encouraging her to call me or my kids to communicate.....that is the scarey part. Not even trusted family members. No one is guiding her to realize...hey, you may want to stay in touch with him.
This other side of this is the money that I owe her. Time are tough and I may need to stop payment. I know this will cause issues too, but here I am with a balance or moral rights and supporting my family.... on top of all of this.
The bills I am not worried about as she handed power of attorney and management to a trusted family member. No worries there.
My dad is a bit older than my mom. They have done much for me and I have done much for them. I have to admit I am at peace with anything that may happen because when I moved, I realized that I may never see them again based on their age. I set my mind on that very real possibility and if they both passed today I would be at peace with it.
This goes a bit beyond my mom because I know this will come back as a family argument one day. No one is encouraging her to call me or my kids to communicate.....that is the scarey part. Not even trusted family members. No one is guiding her to realize...hey, you may want to stay in touch with him.
This other side of this is the money that I owe her. Time are tough and I may need to stop payment. I know this will cause issues too, but here I am with a balance or moral rights and supporting my family.... on top of all of this.
Appreciate the help here.
No one ever encouraged my mom to call me either--or maybe they did and I just don't know what was said. This is a situation where you really need to take your ego out of the equation and realize that you need to do that which will allow you to live with yourself later--not what is easiest to do now. Cut that payment in half if you need to but continue to pay it b/c I guarantee it will slap you in the a$$ later if you don't. Yes I know that the trashiest bums in your family will come back at you and do what they can to cut you out and make you feel bad b/c they need something to make them feel better about themselves. Is it going to be hard and heart rending to stay in touch? Dam skippy. Do it anyway. Your soul is at stake and if you don't believe in souls, then your mental health is what you need to concentrate on. Also, your kids may be unaware of what's going on now but do you want them to know later that when things got difficult with mom that you took the easy way out? Think about that very carefully--you may be difficult one day your own self.
(I'm not saying this to be mean--I think you need some tough love right now.)
My sister was also at peace when she moved away,knowing she may never see our mom again, and in fact, she didn't. She and my mom hardly spoke for 3 years.She did not come when my mother died, or before, while she was dying.
Yes, my sister is at peace. But my dear mother,with her broken brain, in addition to dementia, died from a broken heart. Am I bitter?
So do I cease communication with her? My hard past of understanding this is why it is geared only toward me and not my siblings. If it was as bad as you say 2 years ago, where I still saw a fresh mind that could beat me at scrabble all day long, then why was it geared toward me then?
First, I'd like to say I feel for you and I'm sorry this happened. Second, the observations and comments I make here are based on: 1. My 86-year-old mother lives with me and while she doesn't have Alzheimers she is showing mental slow down. 2. My best friend has responsibility for the care of two Alzheimer patients. 3) My brother is director of an elder care facility with an Alzheimers unit. That said:
I don't think you should cease communication with with your mother for your own sake and the example you set for your children. I do think, though, that you need to understand some things about dementia in general as it relates to your situation.
One of the first things to go in a person with any kind of dementia is LOGIC. Your perfectly understandable argument that you have done more to deserve her respect and love may be beyond true, but it's irrelevant to someone who's thinking is not logical. It's really impossible for you to predict HOW your mother is making decisions. Don't even try to understand what's in her head, just respond as kindly as possible to the results she comes up with. She won't follow your logic if you try to convince her of something, and even if she did she would forget what you said five minutes later.
It's a waste of time and effort to try and convince someone with dementia of something, even if you're 100% right and she's 100% wrong and you can prove it. But it doesn't mean she's lost all cognitive skills. My mother sometimes can't remember a TV show she watched an hour ago, but she can still complete a crossword puzzle. Maria Shriver says her father could ace puzzles when he didn't recognize his own kids.
While many people with dementia seem to live in the past, that past doesn't necessarily connect to the present. I've seen my friend's mother be reminiscing about someone, they come in the room and she doesn't understand this is the same person she's been talking about. Connectors are missing. And even fond reminiscences may be untrue. Many elders get their memories mixed up. They remember something about one child, but apply it to another child. My mother does that all the time. She'll tell me as story about my brother but what she's telling happened to ME. If I try to correct her, she'll argue with me. It's very frustrating knowing your own life history has been assigned to someone else!
Many elders, even those without dementia, are very fearful. They cling to the person they PERCEIVE as taking care of them. That may not BE the person with their best interests at heart, but it's where they see their safety coming from. You don't know what your brother is telling your mother. And if he's a user, he'd never admit it anyway. He probably has her convinced he's her protector. There's not much you can do about that if he's in the home with your parents' permission. Even if you could afford a palatial assisted living arrangement for her, she would probably reject it. She wants the home she knows and the child that is closest. Even if that's a terrible decision.
Your mother doesn't see you or your family regularly. While she might remember your children when you are in the midst of speaking about them on the phone, she might not hold any picture of them in her mind after you hang up. She might not send them birthday cards because she barely remembers THEM, let alone their birth dates. Most people with Alzheimers remember best the people they've known the LONGEST. My friend's aunt first forgot who her caring niece was, later she forgot she ever had a husband, but she still knew her sister. Forgetting in reverse order of meeting. But eventually she forgot she had a sister, too. Ironically, she was still a joy to the people in the nursing home, because she never forgot her manners. She treated everyone she came in contact with as a new person she was meeting for the first time. That might not be where your mother is, but your phone conversations might not really be a good reflection of what's going on in her mind.
If I were you, I'd read a book about Alzheimers, then visit your parents alone without your family. You might find it's a lost cause that she will ever maintain a relationship with them. Your wife may be a dim memory and what Mom thinks she remembers may be untrue. Also I'd use the time to assess the situation with your father and brother. Don't antagonize them, because your father is still her official caretaker and as long as there's something in it for him your brother will be in the picture. If you want to help your parents financially and you see that cash disappears, figure out some things you could pay for directly instead of giving anyone money. Someone suggested utilities — that's good. If you want to send her something, send gift cards from her local grocery chain or a gift card for a clothing store.
In the meantime, please don't take your mother's rejection as an assessment of your worth. On some level she knows you were her successful child. What you perceive as rejection may just be the forgetfulness of dementia. Even if she exhibits anger toward you, that may be coming from the Alzheimers and not her. People with dementia often have outsized and illogical anger. They can't help it. Their brains aren't functioning properly.
You are going to have to accept that some people (maybe even your father) will perceive you as "abandoning" your mother and that will be hard. But if you are happy and your family is flourishing, your move was right. Just play fair in terms of the money and talk to her regularly. Those are for your sake. You don't want to feel guilty when she's gone. And you want your children to know you respected their grandmother. I wish you all the best.
I'd be willing to bet on something: Your mom likely had the early onset of her Alzheimers when you moved away. She found out only a month before you moved back. Alzheimers is usually a slow process before the it's diagnosed. This may have something to do with her perplexing behavior.
A lot of your post reminded me of my situation with my own mother. We were estranged because I had made her so angry over something that she never wanted to see me again, not even when I was in town. About a year later I was told that she'd been diagnosed. But, in retrospect, we all suspected that she'd been in the early stages for a long time ~ before then, we just thought she was "getting goofier" with age.
And their personalities change, quite often the opposite of what they were. One friend of mine whose mother became cantankerous, told me one day that he and his sisters found out just what she thought of all of them. I have no clue what she said to them. You may be in for quite a ride, and may need to grow a real tough hide for what's coming. Alzheimer's is very taxing on the loved ones.
I recommend getting a couple of really good books on this matter for all of you.
My sister was also at peace when she moved away,knowing she may never see our mom again, and in fact, she didn't. She and my mom hardly spoke for 3 years.She did not come when my mother died, or before, while she was dying.
Yes, my sister is at peace. But my dear mother,with her broken brain, in addition to dementia, died from a broken heart. Am I bitter?
Well...I'll try working on it one day.
I'm sorry that happened in your family and my sis was the same way. I suspect however that the OP is a different kind of person than your or my sister. BTW, I've given up on being bitter towards my sis--it's very freeing and with the rest of my family gone, I have no reason to ever have to see her again. I have a brother but he has even less desire to see her than I do.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
