U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 08-23-2012, 03:45 PM
 
Location: California
243 posts, read 955,450 times
Reputation: 108

Advertisements

My mom doesnt want to talk to me, my wife, or my kids....I am at a loss on this one.

About 2 years ago my wife, kids, and myself moved away. Personal reasons, time for a change, etc. We like it. We both have family 1500 miles away. Parents, siblings, etc.

I have noticed that my mom (divorced) never calls me, ever. Yet she complains to everyone else when I dont call. I have made it a routine to call her once a week at least for the past 18 months. There were only 2 times she has called me in 2 years. Once on my birthday, the other by accident when she meant to call my brother.

Now she is ill with Alzheimers. It is slow, but getting worse. She found out she had it about a month before we moved. Back then, it wasnt too much of an issue medically as her daily routines were fine. Now it is getting worse. My family barely updates me or tells me when there is a problem, nor does she when I call. Just brushes it off.

Now lets paint a picture. She is 73, strong middle class. I am 36. I have a brothers that are 29,52,54 and a sister that is 50. My sister and I are the only ones with a good life that never hurt her emotionally. All of us were given the same opportunity. Yet all 3 of my brothers chose a life of crime and drugs. Even the younger one started dealing, but was caught and under house arrest for 18 months. I felt bad for him until I found out the truth behind his arrest only recently. Yet my mom felt it necessary to give ever last penny to the attorney to get him off ( over $100k)... now she is starving and he lives with her until he gets back on his feet.

I am self employed, happily married to a wonderful women, and I have 3 kids that love her to pieces. But my mom doesnt even call them. I have to remind her to send a birthday card. I have never even smoked pot, let alone taken drugs and because of the problems I saw with my brothers I didnt even take a sip of alcohol until this year. When she needed me, I am there. When the roof collapsed on her house, I repaired it at no charge and let her keep the insurance money. These are the things I did for her. I am not trying to sound like a golden child, but I am not a burden.

She seems to enjoy taking care of those that "need" her. For years she always bailed out my brothers, gave them cash, bought them things... they just shot it up and drank it away. She was always giving to me, no question about that. But I could never understand why she supported them when all they did was cause her pain. One time the oldest beat her up while coming off of a drug high. When I told her I was coming down to kick him out ( when they finally told me 2 days later), she threatened to call the police on me for trespassing and she would never speak to me again....and this is before she was ill. The point is this is the life she leads.

Now I find out she is upset that I moved, wrote me and my family off, and will never ever call me... yet when we talk it is always good, long, and interesting. Who is the only one living with her? My younger screwed up brother who is upset with me because I didnt want to talk with him for getting arrested for dealing. Double

Did I miss something here or is this a simple case of the only good son who never screwed up moved away and I never needed her to support me after I was 19. Its is almost like I need to screw up to get in her good graces.

This was long... and not all of it

I appreciate your time!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 08-23-2012, 04:12 PM
 
Location: Sunny Bay Area, CA
1,566 posts, read 1,783,849 times
Reputation: 3250
I'm really sorry to read about your story. I can relate in a way though, because I have always been "the good one" in my family and there's a certain kind of "punishment" (for lack of a better word - I can't think of one right now) that comes along with that. I don't know why it works the way it does, but something you wrote struck me as similiar, the statement that she "enjoys" taking care of those who need her. That is a huge form of co-dependency and one I am very much familiar with, as my family has that and I used to have some signs of that as well (therapy taught me to stop that, thank goodness.) I've learned it's a downward spiral and very unhealthy.

I don't have much advice other than, for me, I had to step back for a while and sort of wash my hands of them so to speak. It sucks, and it doesn't seem right or fair, but I had to do it to preserve my own sanity. You just can't make them happy and you seem to be the scapegoat. At least that was the case in my situation.

Whatever you do decide to do, I wish you well. I know this feeling and it's not fun. I hope some others have some good, sound advice for you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2012, 04:34 PM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,083 posts, read 8,378,583 times
Reputation: 11575
I'm sorry to hear your story. It seems like that happens a lot. The good kids get taken for granted and overlooked and the ones who can't get their lives together get all the money and attention. It seems like you're a good guy with a happy life and although I'm sure it's hurtful to be ignored by your mom, I'm not sure what you could do different. Keep calling her and trying to stay in touch because it's the right thing to do. Know that you've done everything you can to help her and let that try to be enough. You can't change anyone but yourself.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2012, 05:37 PM
 
7,099 posts, read 24,511,955 times
Reputation: 7302
You have no way of knowing how long the dementia has been bothering her. It could have been years. She may have an entirely different idea of reality (and your brothers) than you do.

I say this because over the years I have come to realize that a lot of my teenage problems with my mother were because of her fouled up viewpoints that years later gradually developed into serious dementia. If I had known then, what I know now, I still would not have been able to accept her behavior. But I would have known more about the reasons for it.

Your mother's world could be very different from the real one. Ignore her as best you can. It's going to get worse, not better.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2012, 06:08 PM
 
Location: North Fulton
1,039 posts, read 2,042,671 times
Reputation: 600
Quote:
Originally Posted by Padgett2 View Post
You have no way of knowing how long the dementia has been bothering her. It could have been years. She may have an entirely different idea of reality (and your brothers) than you do.

I say this because over the years I have come to realize that a lot of my teenage problems with my mother were because of her fouled up viewpoints that years later gradually developed into serious dementia. If I had known then, what I know now, I still would not have been able to accept her behavior. But I would have known more about the reasons for it.

Your mother's world could be very different from the real one. Ignore her as best you can. It's going to get worse, not better.

It's probably best to stay estranged from your Mom and it is quite sad to even write this for me. You are best to stay out of that situation. It is beyond hurtful how she treated you different than she did your siblings. I have had lots of dementia, addiction and co-dependency problems run in my family as well and it seems estrangement has worked out best in my case, and possibly yours.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2012, 06:18 PM
 
Location: California
4,556 posts, read 5,476,905 times
Reputation: 9623
Her silence is a measure of the pain she feels since you moved.
But, you did leave and she has to get on with what she has left so be grateful that your brother is still there for her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2012, 06:24 PM
 
Location: DFW - Coppell / Las Colinas
32,019 posts, read 36,675,387 times
Reputation: 38661
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heidi60 View Post
Her silence is a measure of the pain she feels since you moved.
But, you did leave and she has to get on with what she has left so be grateful that your brother is still there for her.
Please don't lay this guilt trip on the guy. He sounds like a good man.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2012, 07:32 PM
 
2,681 posts, read 6,274,166 times
Reputation: 4143
Post well...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShakyJ View Post
My mom doesnt want to talk to me, my wife, or my kids....I am at a loss on this one.

About 2 years ago my wife, kids, and myself moved away. Personal reasons, time for a change, etc. We like it. We both have family 1500 miles away. Parents, siblings, etc.

I have noticed that my mom (divorced) never calls me, ever. Yet she complains to everyone else when I dont call. I have made it a routine to call her once a week at least for the past 18 months. There were only 2 times she has called me in 2 years. Once on my birthday, the other by accident when she meant to call my brother.

Now she is ill with Alzheimers. It is slow, but getting worse. She found out she had it about a month before we moved. Back then, it wasnt too much of an issue medically as her daily routines were fine. Now it is getting worse. My family barely updates me or tells me when there is a problem, nor does she when I call. Just brushes it off.

Now lets paint a picture. She is 73, strong middle class. I am 36. I have a brothers that are 29,52,54 and a sister that is 50. My sister and I are the only ones with a good life that never hurt her emotionally. All of us were given the same opportunity. Yet all 3 of my brothers chose a life of crime and drugs. Even the younger one started dealing, but was caught and under house arrest for 18 months. I felt bad for him until I found out the truth behind his arrest only recently. Yet my mom felt it necessary to give ever last penny to the attorney to get him off ( over $100k)... now she is starving and he lives with her until he gets back on his feet.

I am self employed, happily married to a wonderful women, and I have 3 kids that love her to pieces. But my mom doesnt even call them. I have to remind her to send a birthday card. I have never even smoked pot, let alone taken drugs and because of the problems I saw with my brothers I didnt even take a sip of alcohol until this year. When she needed me, I am there. When the roof collapsed on her house, I repaired it at no charge and let her keep the insurance money. These are the things I did for her. I am not trying to sound like a golden child, but I am not a burden.

She seems to enjoy taking care of those that "need" her. For years she always bailed out my brothers, gave them cash, bought them things... they just shot it up and drank it away. She was always giving to me, no question about that. But I could never understand why she supported them when all they did was cause her pain. One time the oldest beat her up while coming off of a drug high. When I told her I was coming down to kick him out ( when they finally told me 2 days later), she threatened to call the police on me for trespassing and she would never speak to me again....and this is before she was ill. The point is this is the life she leads.

Now I find out she is upset that I moved, wrote me and my family off, and will never ever call me... yet when we talk it is always good, long, and interesting. Who is the only one living with her? My younger screwed up brother who is upset with me because I didnt want to talk with him for getting arrested for dealing. Double

Did I miss something here or is this a simple case of the only good son who never screwed up moved away and I never needed her to support me after I was 19. Its is almost like I need to screw up to get in her good graces.

This was long... and not all of it

I appreciate your time!
Could be her illness to a degree...I've also discovered that it's alot easier for family/friends to distance themselves from those of us who have moved away and are not readily available... you can only do what you can do... hopefully someone will understand.
Koale
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2012, 08:43 PM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
9,369 posts, read 18,027,925 times
Reputation: 18407
Sometimes parents, especially mothers, want to be needed by their children no matter how old they are. Empty nest hits them hard and even a burdensome child is welcome. For them it's better than nothing.

Could be our brother has a been bad mouthing you and filling her head with negativity. All I can say is keep doing your part to maintain the relationship. The day will come when it is no longer an option. Try to keep the regrets to a minimum.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-24-2012, 06:54 AM
 
Location: California
243 posts, read 955,450 times
Reputation: 108
Appreciate the input here. It isnt easy to manage, but it especially hurts when she doesnt even want to talk to my kids, whom have always shown her the love. Her deceased husband, my step father, was an incredible man. Because of him, I am self employed. He did very well and was always there for me. He encouraged me to take great leaps and succeed. I am very partly the person that I am because of him. '

The family (brothers) itself are all about "the next buck". How can they do something to make money, who has it, and how can I get my cut. Horrible mentality. They never listen to my step dad and it crushed him.

Many years ago my mother was kind enough to lend me money... a lot, for a business. To this day, 7 years later I pay her back monthly and will do so for many more years. I am thinking the only reason she even speaks to me is to make sure she gets paid... at least a few years ago when she was more acute. She isnt giving me motivation to continue this, but I have a moral obligation to take care of it and I dont want to be known as a dead beat to my kids.

Glad to see I am not alone here
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 12:14 AM.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top