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It really bothers me that everytime I see my parents, my dad still judges me as if I'm 14 years old. I'm in my late 20's now, live on my own, and earn more than he has ever made. Yet he still tries to lecture me and constantly questioning "why dont you do this?" "you should do that"
I thought when I'd reach the point to where I earn more than him, he'd shut the hell up but it hasn't. Last time I visited my parents he condescendingly asked "why don't you get a gov't job?" as if I just graduated college. I took the high road and said "no that's ok" and changed the conversation. I was bothered by it because I already have a great job and earned a promotion + raise 2 months prior. He also tries to lecture me on getting married and says my girlfriend will leave me.
He is on a high horse because he rides on my mothers coat tail who is the big breadwinner. Most of my parents success is attributed to my mother who climbed the corporate ladder. Her success allowed my father to recently retire from his deadend job of over 20 years. He just simply mows the lawn, takes the cars to be maintained, and plays golf.
I naturally want to blow up on him and put him in his place. Tell him "you wouldn't be **** without mom!, you've done nothing in your life for me to respect your opinion" I used to explode on him when I was younger and took some REALLY low blows which lead to long periods of awkwardness between us. But being an adult, I need to handle it in a more mature manner. Should I confront him or just keep taking the high road and accept that he'll never respect me as an adult?
Forget about confrontation. He knows he's a loser in the job department and it will only lead to hurt and rejection. Try and'focus on the good qualities, he must have some or your mom wouldn't be with him. Don't lower yourself to his level.
Just blow him off. You don't have to prove anything to him. Live your own life.
That's not to say that you shouldn't establish "respect parameters" with him. Maybe you need to point out to him that you are truly an adult and it's time to move the communication style between the two of you into an adult/adult mode rather than parent/child mode.
Of course, this means MUTUAL respect. You are accusing him of disrespecting you. It sounds as if this disrespect goes both ways. If you want him to treat you respectfully, you have to pony up as well.
Of course, this means MUTUAL respect. You are accusing him of disrespecting you. It sounds as if this disrespect goes both ways. If you want him to treat you respectfully, you have to pony up as well.
Great advice. When I was younger my tactic was to take low blows to crush his ego and knock him off his high horse. While I did achieve that, it didn't earn me any respect. I don't expect to ever have a tight father son bond where we can casually chat over beers as adults but I just want him to respect me as an adult and not lecture me as a child.
Great advice. When I was younger my tactic was to take low blows to crush his ego and knock him off his high horse. While I did achieve that, it didn't earn me any respect. I don't expect to ever have a tight father son bond where we can casually chat over beers as adults but I just want him to respect me as an adult and not lecture me as a child.
It really bothers me that everytime I see my parents, my dad still judges me as if I'm 14 years old. I'm in my late 20's now, live on my own, and earn more than he has ever made. Yet he still tries to lecture me and constantly questioning "why dont you do this?" "you should do that"
I thought when I'd reach the point to where I earn more than him, he'd shut the hell up but it hasn't. Last time I visited my parents he condescendingly asked "why don't you get a gov't job?" as if I just graduated college. I took the high road and said "no that's ok" and changed the conversation. I was bothered by it because I already have a great job and earned a promotion + raise 2 months prior. He also tries to lecture me on getting married and says my girlfriend will leave me.
He is on a high horse because he rides on my mothers coat tail who is the big breadwinner. Most of my parents success is attributed to my mother who climbed the corporate ladder. Her success allowed my father to recently retire from his deadend job of over 20 years. He just simply mows the lawn, takes the cars to be maintained, and plays golf.
I naturally want to blow up on him and put him in his place. Tell him "you wouldn't be **** without mom!, you've done nothing in your life for me to respect your opinion" I used to explode on him when I was younger and took some REALLY low blows which lead to long periods of awkwardness between us. But being an adult, I need to handle it in a more mature manner. Should I confront him or just keep taking the high road and accept that he'll never respect me as an adult?
Poloi3? Take the high road! There are obvious deeper issues here than you not making enough "money" or your "career"! I'm no psych but it seems he is resentfull of your success and your mother's as well.
Nobody likes to be criticized for their failures in life. If you are happy where you are in life and career and want to have a meaningfull conversation with your father tell him that!
You obviously care about your father otherwise you wouldn't be posting! Tell him "I am a grown adult and know what I'm doing"! "You raised me to be self sufficiient"!
My parents still do that to me, it drives me crazy. I always have taken the high road until one day I was more than fed up. My parents were visiting and it had been about a week. After listening to their judgements about EVERYTHING I did I snapped.
Amazingly my parents had no idea they were doing it. They apologized, but it still continues. I have finally realized, I will always be their baby. I just listen and ignore.
Kathy is right. Stay on the high road. Ignore him. If you must reply, humor works better than vitriol.
If you take the low road and blast him, you can never call it back. Like a bullet, once it's fired there's no recall, no do-over, damage is done.
Talk to your mom, she's dealt with him far longer than you have. You may gain some insights.
If he becomes totally obnoxious, tell him the truth, in a straight-on manner, nothing snide, no name calling. Don't forget to smile and tell him you love your father but that he's not behaving in a manner that increases the family experience. Even a doofus has feelings, so don't allow him ANY leeway to feel that HE is the victim.
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This will go against every instinct you have in you, and I admit I would struggle to pull it off myself, but it could be a fun experiment.
Whenever he gives you some of this advice or a lecture, act really happy and pleasant and say, "Dad, it means so much to me that you want to give me career advice." or "you really care about how I'm doing in my career - that means a lot to me, dad" Or something to that effect. Basically focus on the underlying positive intention there and say that back to him.
Because I do believe that underneath his own personal baggage, he is trying in his own way to show that he cares about you and how you are doing in life.
Contrast your dad's comments with a dad who would say nothing about it and express no interest at all in your life. That might feel even more painful than this "negative" attention that your dad is giving you. He is paying attention. And in his own mind, he might feel that its actually good advice. That is why if you respond to the fact that he is paying attention to how you are doing in life, it might start to change up these dynamics a bit. At the very least it might confuse him for a while.
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Well that doesn't seem unreasonable!
They apologized, but it still continues. I have finally realized, I will always be their baby. I just listen and ignore. 
