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Old 09-09-2012, 05:34 PM
 
793 posts, read 1,288,754 times
Reputation: 1144

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I have been wondering about this for a while now.

I had a "friend" who I knew for almost 10 yrs. We are no longer friends. Basically I stopped sharing with her because I didn't know if I could really trust her.

Here's some background:

1) She has herpes and yet had unprotected sex with guys and didn't tell them of her herpes. She got herpes from the 2nd guy she had sex with. It was a one night stand.
She told me that she knew if she had told these men, they wouldn't have sex with her. I don't know if they ever got it, because the relationships didn't last long.

2) She had a promiscous 20's and 30's. She had an affair with a married guy and still talks about that guy to this day (it's been over 20 yrs). She talks about him like he was a conquest. All her lovers were so "good-looking".

3) She lies. I caught her in various lies throughout the friendship.

4) She always had a weight problem and eventually became bulimic. She said she stopped 2 yrs ago on her own.

5) She once told me that she had bigger boobs than me. We are in our 40's mind you. I didn't know what to say to her. I think I just looked shocked.

My point of all this is to show her character as I see it. Yet, I tried to maintain a friendship with her because she did have some good points. We had lots of fun and lots of laughs at time.

But I see now there were more bad than good. What's wrong with me that I hung out with her for so long?

She is not a psycho person but she just has character defects. They seem a little worse than most.

Why are there people like this? What causes this? Am I one too? Am I too picky?
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Old 09-09-2012, 06:58 PM
 
826 posts, read 1,638,392 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luckygirl15 View Post
But I see now there were more bad than good. What's wrong with me that I hung out with her for so long?
Sometimes we hang out with people despite their defects because they have other redeeming qualities. No one is perfect. Everyone has good and bad sides. It just depends on what you can handle at the time. Also sometimes loneliness or not having a lot of options makes you stay longer with people that on a good day, you'd have left behind

Quote:
Originally Posted by luckygirl15 View Post
Am I too picky?
No, you are just human
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Old 09-09-2012, 09:22 PM
 
Location: PRC
2,983 posts, read 3,227,314 times
Reputation: 2770
I think if you fret too much about these things then they are too much of a big deal. Friendships - as I see them - should be natural and we probably should not have to "try" too hard to be friends with someone.

I am afraid that my attitude is that with both friendships and relationships, we have come together to learn things and when we have finished learning things that the other person can teach us (or we can teach them, or that we are are interested in learning different things) then we naturally move away from each other. In my relationships this has happened and it is how I have come to look at this splitting. I think that it may not be healthy (for me at least) to stay in a relationship which is not beneficial for both of us. I am sure that friendships should be fluid and I do not expect others to be friendly towards me if we no longer have anything in common.

Sometimes, I have changed (spiritually) so much that my friends have changed completely and this may be what has happened to you too, so in a way, it just means that you have grown in different directions or in a larger or smaller amount than they have.

I also think it is important that we do not become 'needy' of or 'clingy' to a person or a relationship but learn to become more confident and self sufficient and approach relationships on an equal footing. At least, this is how I have tried to approach things - it may help you or it may not. Just my experiences. :-)

Then there are those who you just feel an affinity with and even if you have not seen them for years, you immediately get back into your old way of being comfortable in their company. That is something on a spiritual level I believe.
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Old 09-09-2012, 10:49 PM
 
Location: Chicago area
14,407 posts, read 7,929,570 times
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I think we all go through changes during the different stages of our lifeline. The older the wiser. It's not uncommon for us to outgrow friendships that were once dictated by blind loyalty. I walked away from a 30 yr. friendship from someone totally self absorbed and narcissistic. Was she like that from day one? Yes. Why did I overlook her many obnoxious flaws? I think we have more tolerance for abuse when we are younger, but as we gain more life experience we recognize the need to be treated with respect and dignity. I cleaned house when I was around your age and walked away from all the toxic rectums in my life. I only surround myself with good people now and I'm much happier.
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Old 09-09-2012, 10:53 PM
 
35,108 posts, read 40,257,322 times
Reputation: 62061
Quote:
Originally Posted by luckygirl15 View Post
I have been wondering about this for a while now.

I had a "friend" who I knew for almost 10 yrs. We are no longer friends. Basically I stopped sharing with her because I didn't know if I could really trust her.

Here's some background:

1) She has herpes and yet had unprotected sex with guys and didn't tell them of her herpes. She got herpes from the 2nd guy she had sex with. It was a one night stand.
She told me that she knew if she had told these men, they wouldn't have sex with her. I don't know if they ever got it, because the relationships didn't last long.

2) She had a promiscous 20's and 30's. She had an affair with a married guy and still talks about that guy to this day (it's been over 20 yrs). She talks about him like he was a conquest. All her lovers were so "good-looking".

3) She lies. I caught her in various lies throughout the friendship.

4) She always had a weight problem and eventually became bulimic. She said she stopped 2 yrs ago on her own.

5) She once told me that she had bigger boobs than me. We are in our 40's mind you. I didn't know what to say to her. I think I just looked shocked.

My point of all this is to show her character as I see it. Yet, I tried to maintain a friendship with her because she did have some good points. We had lots of fun and lots of laughs at time.

But I see now there were more bad than good. What's wrong with me that I hung out with her for so long?

She is not a psycho person but she just has character defects. They seem a little worse than most.

Why are there people like this? What causes this? Am I one too? Am I too picky?

It happens to almost everyone at some point in their lifetimes, I think we just hang in there hoping the other person will eventually realize what is going on and decide to change themselves. When we realize they are never going to do that is when we start to back away slowly and end it eventually and that can take a long time sometimes. Don't fret over it, no big deal, life lesson, move on, good luck.
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Old 09-09-2012, 11:07 PM
 
Location: Ostend,Belgium....
8,820 posts, read 6,366,929 times
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not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime, actually most don't..people walk through your life, some stay a while some stay a minute or two. Some are there out of habit, like married couples who don't even communicate ..they stay because they find it too hard to not stay. I have one such acqaintance, we were in gradeschool together and still have contact once in a blue moon..but we have nothing in common really. Life changes most of us, some stay in one spot.. there's nothing to question about it; that's just how it is.
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Old 09-10-2012, 11:44 AM
 
793 posts, read 1,288,754 times
Reputation: 1144
After thinking about this some more, it dawned on me that I am also angry at myself for not realizing it sooner about this person. In the last few months of our friendship, she said some things to me that were quite mean. Little things like "you're getting heavy" or "I know how you just hate sterling silver". Also, saying she would call and then never calling. We would make plans to meet for dinner and then she would cancel saying she had a stomach ache (her most frequent excuse). One time, she said "don't you like my hair? It's getting so long" and then she swung her hair back and forth like a child. What was I supposed to say? So I said "Oh it looks very pretty" and then I thought, what are we in 3rd grade???? I didn't say that though.

Now, to be totally honest here, I had started pulling away about 6 months before we totally "broke up", keeping stuff to myself, b/c I realized that she was the type of person who enjoyed it when something bad happened to me.

Here are some more basic points:

1) I am mad at myself for letting this friendship go on as long as it did
2) letting her get away with treating me so badly, and
3) for not sticking up for myself when she put me down.

The more I write, the more I realize that I was slowly ending this relationship. But she must have been doing the same (ending) yet neither one of us were able to be honest and just say, this friendship isn't working out because we're just too different. I think I didn't, because I kept hoping it would turn around and she would miraculously turn into a good person, the person I wanted her to be. Plus, I had told her some deep issues I had and was afraid she would tell other people if we weren't friends anymore. She had told me stuff too so we may be even in that aspect.

I guess my concern is why stay in a relationship, a friendship, when you know that other person is purposely hurting you? What was the point of that? Why couldn't I stand up for myself and tell her what I really thought of her?
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Old 09-10-2012, 12:11 PM
 
14,752 posts, read 28,629,477 times
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Two reasons:

a) they are friends much like illusions - we may socialize with them, but they are not connected to you, and probably never have been

b) they are selfish as hell
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Old 09-10-2012, 03:04 PM
 
428 posts, read 754,325 times
Reputation: 159
It’s not your problem to figure out why they’re like that. You gave the person 10 yrs to determine whether they’re worth sticking around for. Well into your 30’s and you’re still dicking around with life like that? I haven’t heard anything like that in a long time (and I’m 30). That stage of life should have been well over with. However, as you’ve said, she struggled with an eating disorder. The promiscuity is likely due to her extreme lack of self-esteem.

I think she will suck the life out of you if you continue to hang in there and be friends with her. You can have fun times and laughs with a VERY trusting person. Great great friends rarely come around, especially when we get older. People change, they get busy, and don’t really put in the effort that a friendship deserves. I think you were right in ending the friendship. A painful/struggling friendship is worse than not having one at all.
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Old 09-10-2012, 05:15 PM
 
Location: Western NY
559 posts, read 1,205,096 times
Reputation: 546
I maintained a friendship with a person with traits like your former friend - promiscuity, lying and exaggerating, need for attention, saying mean things to me....my former friend even had an eating disorder, like the friend you had. My reasons for maintaining the friendship were her good points, the good times we had, and my hope that she would change for the better. Like you, I eventually realized that the bad outweighed the good and she wasn't going to improve.

Even though you wish that you had ended it sooner, I think you should congratulate yourself for the fact that you did end it and it's over now. And forgive yourself. Maybe reading some of the books at Amazon.com: self forgiveness: Books will help you. It sounds like you forgave her many times for her behavior during your friendship, now it's time to work on forgiving yourself. Sometimes it takes time to heal and overcome things like this.

It sounds like she might have narcissistic and/or histrionic personality traits.

Narcissistic Supply | Light's Blog
Histrionic Personality Traits | Light's Blog
All About Histrionic PD - LIGHT'S HOUSE


Quote:
What's wrong with me that I hung out with her for so long?
You enjoyed the good times. And you thought she would change, improve and mature. Nothing wrong with that.

Quote:
Why are there people like this? What causes this?
Environment? A combination of genetics and environment? A particular event? A series of events? I would like to know too.

Quote:
Am I one too? Am I too picky?
No.

Quote:
I guess my concern is why stay in a relationship, a friendship, when you know that other person is purposely hurting you? What was the point of that? Why couldn't I stand up for myself and tell her what I really thought of her?
People stay because they keep forgiving the other person, they excuse or accept or try to understand the other person's behavior, they think that the other person will change and they focus on the positive traits.

Some guesses as to why you didn't stand up for yourself - you didn't want to offend or hurt her, every time she was petty, hurtful or disrespectful you thought that it would be the last time, you were patient, accepting and forgiving.
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