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Old 10-06-2012, 05:50 PM
 
Location: Alexandria
472 posts, read 409,302 times
Reputation: 490

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Cut them off.

If you weren't pregnant, would they be contacting you trying to work things out? NO.

So really the only reason why they change their mind is because of your son and not because they accepted your marriage to a black man.
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Old 10-06-2012, 08:33 PM
 
Location: East coast-New England
1,638 posts, read 1,776,718 times
Reputation: 3538
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeafChick View Post
Cut them off.

If you weren't pregnant, would they be contacting you trying to work things out? NO.

So really the only reason why they change their mind is because of your son and not because they accepted your marriage to a black man.

Wow. this hit me right here because I didnt even think of that. That says a lot too. OP, take things slow. I know most people who responded want you to welcome them with open arms and a balloon party, but just be careful. YOU were able to deal with your parents, but a small child should not have to be subjected to that crap. Let your parents PROVE themselves.

Dont just let them in with open arms. Like some others said, baby steps. Very, careful, baby steps. And as your child grows older, make sure they dont say or do anything around your child that may make your child feel like he is not worthy because of his mixed race.
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Old 10-06-2012, 10:30 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 88,294,482 times
Reputation: 39844
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeafChick View Post
Cut them off.

If you weren't pregnant, would they be contacting you trying to work things out? NO.

So really the only reason why they change their mind is because of your son and not because they accepted your marriage to a black man.
We don't know that.

And suppose the baby is the sole reason they've been motivated to reach out to her to reconcile?

Whatever caused them to have a change of heart is a good thing.
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Old 10-07-2012, 07:55 AM
 
Location: Alexandria
472 posts, read 409,302 times
Reputation: 490
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
We don't know that.

And suppose the baby is the sole reason they've been motivated to reach out to her to reconcile?

Whatever caused them to have a change of heart is a good thing.
They haven't reached out to her in TWO YEARS. If she wasnt having a baby, those two years would have been three or four years. Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally. They had no problems cutting out her of their lives so excuse me if I don't think they deserves to be in contact with the baby after treating their daughter that way.


OP: congrats on the wonderful marriage and the baby.
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Old 10-07-2012, 10:16 AM
 
7,496 posts, read 9,714,122 times
Reputation: 7394
It's possible that they really are coming around and feel bad for the past. Until you know for sure though, there's no reason why you can't keep them at an arms-length sort-of distance for awhile. If they really are repentant then they should understand.
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Old 10-07-2012, 11:37 AM
 
Location: San Antonio
4,147 posts, read 4,702,365 times
Reputation: 4817
Quote:
Originally Posted by se7en_ View Post
Cutting a long story short: I'm white, and when I was eighteen and in college, I started dating a black man from my class. My parents vehemently disapproved, but we stayed together through all the stuff they threw at us. We got married when we were 24. My parents weren't present at the wedding. In fact, they weren't present for anything between I and my husband. Two years on from the wedding and I'm pregnant. We're having a baby boy and we're very much excited.

A couple of weeks ago I get a housecall from my mom and dad after the longest time ever. They heard I was pregnant and they said they had been stupid, they wanted to bury the hatchet, to leave things in the past and to move on as a family. Naturally I was shocked, and skeptical. My husband, however, comes from a strong family unit, and he's a very loving, gentle kind of man. He welcomed the idea with open arms.

Me? Not so sure. I know my parents and at times they can have a capacity for manipulation. I have heard several stories of parents who didn't approve of interracial relationships realising how stupid they've been and coming round after the grandkids are born, but it just seems too good to be true for me. My husband harbours completely different thoughts. He wants them in our lives. I'm kinda stuck in the middle. After everything that happened in the last eight years, I just find it difficult to trust them.

Are there any people out there who have been in a similar situation or have any constructive thoughts?

Thank you.
Babies can do amazing things, can't they? Give them a chance to make amends. Tell them your family comes as a package deal. They have to accept everyone, not just their grandchild. Hear them out, then decide. You know their body language better than your husband does. Once forgiven, though, you can't talk about it again. BTW, congratulations.
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Old 10-07-2012, 11:46 AM
 
Location: California
30,509 posts, read 33,322,731 times
Reputation: 25977
Quote:
Originally Posted by thenewtexan View Post


Babies can do amazing things, can't they? Give them a chance to make amends. Tell them your family comes as a package deal. They have to accept everyone, not just their grandchild. Hear them out, then decide. You know their body language better than your husband does. Once forgiven, though, you can't talk about it again. BTW, congratulations.
It's so true. Almost every family I know has had problems between the parents and kids fighting for their freedom and independence. Those issues can hang around even after a marriage (mine did) but a baby changes the dynamics of the whole family nobody is dealing with just the same old parent/child relationship anymore, everyone has a NEW role to play...grandparents/parents/children/etc.

For those of you suggesting to keep them cut off forever and ever it's abundantly clear you are very young and immature so read more than speak and learn something. I'm not saying things will be perfect and maybe you will end up wanting to keep some distance, but unless there was a history of abuse or something the parents did a lot more positive to the OP's life (kids can be ingrateful) and it's a risk to throw that away especially considering the divorce rate. Sure, cut ties to your family for your spouse because you are pissed...then go crawling back later when it doesn't work. It's a nice thought ehh? Better to not over react to things in the first place and LEARN to get along, that's what mature people do.
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Old 10-07-2012, 11:48 AM
 
679 posts, read 1,047,520 times
Reputation: 1111
Quote:
Originally Posted by thenewtexan View Post


Babies can do amazing things, can't they? Give them a chance to make amends. Tell them your family comes as a package deal. They have to accept everyone, not just their grandchild. Hear them out, then decide. You know their body language better than your husband does. Once forgiven, though, you can't talk about it again. BTW, congratulations.
Even if the repeat they same or similar behavior?
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Old 10-07-2012, 11:50 AM
 
Location: California
30,509 posts, read 33,322,731 times
Reputation: 25977
Quote:
Originally Posted by exscapegoat View Post
Even if the repeat they same or similar behavior?
Won't know if you don't try. You have to not expect perfection from people.
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Old 10-07-2012, 12:07 PM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,300 posts, read 35,841,586 times
Reputation: 62662
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doll Eyes View Post
exactly. I seen situations like this one too many times. Where the white grandparents treat the biracial children like garbage (not saying they all do that, but the ones that have a problem with it in the first place, don't change). I couldn't give two craps about 'fair weather' friends or parents, if I were you.
I disagree vehemently.

My parents were never intentionally racist in thought or in action, but looking back over my childhood and family history, I see some racism. Not awful, blatant racism, but just some outdated "pre civil rights" types of ideas.

When I was in college, I began dating a black guy. My parents and relatives were APPALLED and as we became more serious, they were adamantly opposed - begging me to reconsider, crying, pleading, kicking me out of the house, the whole nine yards.

Well, we got married anyway, and a few months later I was pregnant.

The minute I became pregnant, my parents and extended family did an about face. Over the next eleven years, we had four children together, and my family has loved them (and me) with great enthusiasm. (My now -ex husband and I divorced after eleven years of marriage, but they accepted him as well while we were married.)

They are incredibly proud of their grandkids (and now great grandkids) and their house is filled with photos. My dad is very big into keeping up with old friends and family online, and he is always sending out photos, updates, etc of all the grandkids and great grandkids.

My parents have been terrific grandparents and my kids and grandkids are crazy about them. If I had held onto resentment, everyone would have missed out.

Here's a recent photo of my parents with the youngest great grandbaby - my dad was telling a funny story, while my mom laughed and the baby took it all in!



Here are three happy generations - my mom, my daughter, and one of the grandbabies:



I encourage the OP to give everyone this opportunity!

Parenthood isn't easy. We all make mistakes. Be generous and positive - and forgiving. That doesn't mean "put up with rude or hurtful behavior." It just means be open to opportunities for repairing and building relationships.
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