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Old 10-07-2012, 12:09 PM
 
Location: San Antonio
4,138 posts, read 4,685,606 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by exscapegoat View Post
Even if the repeat they same or similar behavior?
No, but some people tend to hold grudges even after the behavior stops.
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Old 10-07-2012, 12:41 PM
 
679 posts, read 1,045,271 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thenewtexan View Post
No, but some people tend to hold grudges even after the behavior stops.
Well, there can be a fine line between holding a grudge and the consequences of the parents basically disowning their daughter for several years. If the OP and her H are looking at photos of their wedding day, for example and fondly remembering things her ILs did for them, it may be uncomfortable for her parents. IMO, the daughter and son-in-law have no obligation to tiptoe around the OP's parents and the hurt they caused by their actions.

And what if the OP's son asks when he's older why his maternal grandparents aren't in the wedding photos? There may be very legitimate reasons to bring up the earlier bad behavior later. In that case, if the grandparents had truly changed their behavior, then the OP could use it as an example to her son of how people can change, but proceed carefully.

Last edited by exscapegoat; 10-07-2012 at 01:01 PM..
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Old 10-07-2012, 12:47 PM
 
3,967 posts, read 4,578,852 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thenewtexan View Post
No, but some people tend to hold grudges even after the behavior stops.
Some people would rather take the safe precaution over a serious matter such as this. You can't treat it this all willy nilly.
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Old 10-07-2012, 12:57 PM
 
13,658 posts, read 13,430,680 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yellow Jacket View Post
Some people would rather take the safe precaution over a serious matter such as this. You can't treat it this all willy nilly.
Yes, I think that the thing to remember in this case is that the kid must be protected from dysfunction and ugliness. The kid is the priority here. If the parents can't make a full transformation, well, too bad for them.

I'm not someone who believes in wrapping kids in bubblewrap to protect them, but I think it's safe to say that even inadvertant disparaging comments from the people who are supposed to love you the most can do some serious damage (and can attest to this from personal experience).
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Old 10-07-2012, 01:16 PM
 
1,396 posts, read 1,759,812 times
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WOWWWWWW That's creepy
I totally would not trust them
They probably want to try to pull some crap. Maybe they somehow want to get a CPS claim against you and your hubby. Like, watching the baby one day they just bruise him, give him an indian burn or somehting, claim it was you guys. Or like kill him or something. Or just influence him as he grows up to be a racist or just treat him like crap.

I hear the story and I immediately imagine Law & Order and that kinda stuff

I would not trust them, myself.
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Old 10-07-2012, 01:35 PM
 
Location: The Cascade Foothills
10,953 posts, read 8,639,934 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter View Post
I think you should give your parents a chance if you feel they are somewhat sincere. However, I would tread lightly at first and make them earn their way into your child's life by earning trust from you.

May I also say your husband is one hell of a guy to be able to look past your parent's earlier disapproval and willingness to give them another chance. Not a lot of people would blame him if he didn't want he or his child to have anything to do with your parents over their racially-based disapproval.
This. ^^^^

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but I thought I'd jump in at this point and say that I agree on both these points.

I understand what the OP is saying about past behaviors of her parents (she mentioned manipulations specifically) and I do think she should be concerned about that.

BUT.......I, too, think she should give her parents a chance to prove that they can be loving grandparents to her child. And giving them the chance to prove that while the baby is young would be the best time to do that. A newborn is pretty unaware of what is going on in his life, other than whether or not he is fed, dry, and nurtured by his parents, and finding out if it will work then would be better than waiting until the baby is older and might possibly feel the rejection of his maternal grandparents, if it were to happen.

If it doesn't work out, finding that out before the baby is old enough to bond with them would be best. Even a toddler can sense rejection.

I also agree that the OP's husband sounds like a hell of a guy to be so open and forgiving.

And to the OP: Congratulations on the baby! I had five of the little buggars myself (all boys) and raising them were the best times of my life. But, my oh my, it goes by fast. Way too fast (my "baby" is a senior in high school this year). And whatever happens with your parents, enjoy your little bundle.....and give your husband a hug for being such a great guy. I suspect he will be a wonderful and positive influence in that little boy's life.
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Old 10-07-2012, 02:31 PM
 
Location: California
30,455 posts, read 33,248,909 times
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Quote:
And what if the OP's son asks when he's older why his maternal grandparents aren't in the wedding photos?
I'm thinking more along the lines of what if he asks why his parents have cut them out of their lives entirely when they clearly want back in.....


Seriously people....get over your righteous selves. I don't know the ins and out of any of this but I DO know it never ends well when you "cut off all ties" over a fight. But do what you want, people make bad decisions ever day and it's no skin off my nose.
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Old 10-07-2012, 02:48 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceece View Post
I'm thinking more along the lines of what if he asks why his parents have cut them out of their lives entirely when they clearly want back in.....


Seriously people....get over your righteous selves. I don't know the ins and out of any of this but I DO know it never ends well when you "cut off all ties" over a fight. But do what you want, people make bad decisions ever day and it's no skin off my nose.
I'll repeat what I said earlier in the thread, I think they should give them a chance. But go slowly. The specific quote you're quoting from me was in reply to a poster who said it should never be mentioned again if the OP decides to forgive her parents. I'm mentioning a couple of scenarios where it may naturally come up again. If the OP's parents behave decently and she lets them back into her life, they're going to have to face the consequences of cutting their daughter off for several years. They may feel uncomfortable when it comes up. It's not the daughter's responsibility to protect them from the consequences of their idiotic decision to disown her for several years. They should be grateful for any chance she's willing to give them to let them back into her & her family's life. I'm not saying the daughter and husband should dwell on it and bring it up every chance they get, but they shouldn't have to worry about never referring to it again when they were the ones who were wronged.

Also the OP said that in addition to her parents being racists, they were manipulative. I related this in my first post on this thread, and I'll repeat it again. We had a very similar situation in my own family. My step-brother married my step-SIL who is black. My step-mother never cut them off or disowned them, but she made it clear in various ways that she was unhappy with my step-brother marrying a black woman. All that changed when my step-nephew was born. I think her racism was more out of not knowing a lot of black people than any real hatred. She's not a manipulative person, as she didn't disown her child or cut him off. So yes, I've seen proof in my own family that racist people can change, which is why I'm encouraging her to give them a chance.

But I've also dealt with manipulative people in my family, my mother, her sister and their cousin, as well as a few other relatives who join in on that side. Manipulative people aren't ignorant, they just disregard other people's feelings and rights because what they want is more important than their own child, who is just an object to them. And if their children are just objects to them, those children's children will be just objects to them. So yes, I've seen proof in my own family that manipulative people DON'T change, which is why I'm encouraging her to proceed with caution until she can truly verify if they've really changed.

Also, as far as it not ending well when people cut off all ties after a fight, the OP did not cut off ties, her parents did. Now they are trying to reconcile. It is up to the OP to decide if she wants to accept reconciliation. And it's up to her to protect herself and her family from them if they haven't truly changed.

My mother likes to use cut offs as a weapon. Then she'll either try to waltz back into someone's life like nothing ever happened. Or she makes some fake bs apology like Lucy from the Peanuts does to Charlie Brown. Then the cycle of abusive behavior starts again. She's cut me off twice. I let her back in after the first time because she'd started going to AA and I wanted to be supportive of her sobriety. Biggest mistake I ever made. When she tried after the most recent cut off she initiated, I refused the overture. I forgive her and I hope she has a decent life, but I'm protecting myself by staying away from her because after 40+ years of dealing with her, I know she's incapable of either changing to act like a decent human being towards me or respecting any boundaries. My brother joined her in the last cut off, I suspect his wife was influenced by my mother, who can be quite charming when she wants to be, and in turn influenced him. I would consider letting them back into my life because I think they may be capable of change and respecting boundaries. But it would go very slowly and meeting with a family therapist would be a non-negotiable condition.

People who use a cut off maliciously to punish someone, vs. protecting themselves, have no right to expect a reconciliation. The person they cut off OWES THEM NOTHING. The parents cut the daughter off. You can initiate a one sided cut off, but you can't initiate a one sided reconciliation, all parties need to agree to reconcile. There are 3 possible outcomes from someone who has cut people off in anger when they decide they're ready to try a reconciliation:

1) the cut offee may accept the reconciliation unconditionally

2) the cut offee may reject the reconciliation

3) the cut offee may accept it, but with conditions and at the cut offee's pace

The person who was cut off has to do what's right for them (and their family if applicable). If the cut offer doesn't like it, well then they should have thought about that before they cut someone off as a punishment.

The OP's parents may not have changed their tune and they may be pretending to get access to their grandchild for attention/supply purposes. They're probably at the age when their peers are becoming grandparents and the conversation is turning to that. If they're the type that must have attention/supply, such as narcissists, they're going to want access to their grandkids, just for appearance sake.

Or maybe they've changed their mind about racism, but are still manipulative. They've already punished their daughter once by disowning her and cutting her off, what's to stop them from doing it again to the OP, and this time her son and husband are cut off too? They've already shown a willingness to use a cut off as "punishment" they may do it again.

I like what Cinebar said about letting them slowly back into their lives when the OP's son is an infant to see if they've really changed, as he won't be aware of rejection as an older child would be.

Last edited by exscapegoat; 10-07-2012 at 03:24 PM..
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Old 10-07-2012, 04:55 PM
 
3,967 posts, read 4,578,852 times
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So cutting racists out of her life is a bad decision? Since when was that the case?
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Old 10-07-2012, 05:02 PM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
36,833 posts, read 45,247,132 times
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Embrace the olive branch. Life is short. Your child deserves the love of all his grandparents. I am the parent of 4 adult children. It is not always easy for parents to give up control of micro-managing their children's lives. Accept your parent's overtures and accept the love.
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