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Old 10-03-2012, 11:59 PM
 
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I was wondering if anyone has ever not been invited to a wedding and it caused hard feelings. I was thinking this because I was remembering an exclusion that hurt my parents and still hurts them.

My parents had these two sets of friends I will call "Jack and Jill" and "Bob and Betty". Obviously none of these are their real names. My parents met both couples separately and felt both would like each other so they started including both sets to various events. My parents' thinking was that the group would all have get togethers and what not. Anyway, Jack and Jill and Bob and Betty became friends outside of my parents and joined a club together. When Jack and Jill got married they asked Bob to be a groomsmen but only asked my dad to be an usher. My dad wasn't too upset because another mutual friend they were friends with (who incidentally introduced my parents to Jack and Jill)was also an usher. We thought it was weird the mutual friend wasn't asked to be a groomsmen since he knew Jack longer than Bob but we all figured that maybe Jack and Bob were closer to each other than everyone else. We all went to the wedding (yes I was invited)and it was nice.

Fast forward 2 years. My parents had a Christmas dinner with both Bob and Betty and Jack and Jill and at the kitchen table Betty started telling Jill about the bridal shower for her son and future daughter in law, only she never said it was for them but rather just talking about it. My mom hates bridal showers anyway and just assumed maybe it was just for members of the club both couples belonged to. All through the evening there was talk about a wedding and my mom finally figured out it was for the son. A few months pass and I Googled to find out when the wedding was going to be and found out it was in June and I think this was late April. Being that my parents assumed they would be invited they wondered when the invitation would come. It never did and one day my dad was talking to Jack and he let it slip they were getting ready for the wedding that my parents weren't invited to. It was bad enough they weren't invited but they later found out people that the bride and groom didn't know were invited and these weren't as good of friends as what my parents thought they were. My parents obviously stopped speaking to Bob and Betty because of the wedding but still chat with Jack and Jill and see them (in fact last week went out to lunch). The wedding was large, about 400 people.

I wouldn't expect to be invited so it had no effect on me, but I will readily admit I am jealous of the son because not only does he have a job I tried to pursue (and I had the grades but he is a white male who barely graduated college)but now he is married. Meanwhile I am single and my career is in the tank. That's neither here nor there however because I think what happened to my parents was cruel.

Any other stories like this from others? Btw, before anyone says my parents didn't have to be invited, I know that, but the slight seems cruel. Incidentally around this time I wasn't invited to the wedding of a friend though at this point I really can't call her a friend since we don't chat at all anymore. I wouldn't expect to be invited to her wedding anyway.
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Old 10-04-2012, 07:56 AM
 
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Worrying about this stuff is the hobby of crazy people. Don't fall into it. Wedding invitation lists are weird, and the way they are determined is pretty arbitrary. Your parents stopped speaking to these people - perhaps it was BECAUSE they are the type of people that do this kind of thing that they were excluded. When someone has a habit of behaving punitively, it has a distancing effect on the other folks in their social circle. I suspect they contributed heavily to this situation themselves.
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Old 10-04-2012, 08:59 AM
 
Location: Tower Grove East, St. Louis, MO
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I think this is nuts. Everyone my mother knows in the world didn't get invited to our wedding -- we needed to keep it small and we were paying for the bulk of it. Your parents sound like wildly oversensitive people, and you obviously have a very odd jealous streak based on your non sequitur about the son and his great job and wife.
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Old 10-04-2012, 09:36 AM
 
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It's really not a big deal. Get over it. Even when I have been invited, I usually don't go because I don't like having to sit there aimlessly for 3-4 hours. Then I just write a check to them and apologize for my absence.
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:10 AM
 
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I understand and have had some of the same feelings about people from my class getting married. Why does Mary get invited and not me? We all hung out in the same group!

But it just doesn't do any good to get upset and cut people off. You just end up cutting off your nose to spite your face.
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:16 AM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,790,060 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Idon'tdateyou View Post
I was wondering if anyone has ever not been invited to a wedding and it caused hard feelings. I was thinking this because I was remembering an exclusion that hurt my parents and still hurts them.

My parents had these two sets of friends I will call "Jack and Jill" and "Bob and Betty". Obviously none of these are their real names. My parents met both couples separately and felt both would like each other so they started including both sets to various events. My parents' thinking was that the group would all have get togethers and what not. Anyway, Jack and Jill and Bob and Betty became friends outside of my parents and joined a club together. When Jack and Jill got married they asked Bob to be a groomsmen but only asked my dad to be an usher. My dad wasn't too upset because another mutual friend they were friends with (who incidentally introduced my parents to Jack and Jill)was also an usher. We thought it was weird the mutual friend wasn't asked to be a groomsmen since he knew Jack longer than Bob but we all figured that maybe Jack and Bob were closer to each other than everyone else. We all went to the wedding (yes I was invited)and it was nice.

Fast forward 2 years. My parents had a Christmas dinner with both Bob and Betty and Jack and Jill and at the kitchen table Betty started telling Jill about the bridal shower for her son and future daughter in law, only she never said it was for them but rather just talking about it. My mom hates bridal showers anyway and just assumed maybe it was just for members of the club both couples belonged to. All through the evening there was talk about a wedding and my mom finally figured out it was for the son. A few months pass and I Googled to find out when the wedding was going to be and found out it was in June and I think this was late April. Being that my parents assumed they would be invited they wondered when the invitation would come. It never did and one day my dad was talking to Jack and he let it slip they were getting ready for the wedding that my parents weren't invited to. It was bad enough they weren't invited but they later found out people that the bride and groom didn't know were invited and these weren't as good of friends as what my parents thought they were. My parents obviously stopped speaking to Bob and Betty because of the wedding but still chat with Jack and Jill and see them (in fact last week went out to lunch). The wedding was large, about 400 people.

I wouldn't expect to be invited so it had no effect on me, but I will readily admit I am jealous of the son because not only does he have a job I tried to pursue (and I had the grades but he is a white male who barely graduated college)but now he is married. Meanwhile I am single and my career is in the tank. That's neither here nor there however because I think what happened to my parents was cruel.

Any other stories like this from others? Btw, before anyone says my parents didn't have to be invited, I know that, but the slight seems cruel. Incidentally around this time I wasn't invited to the wedding of a friend though at this point I really can't call her a friend since we don't chat at all anymore. I wouldn't expect to be invited to her wedding anyway.

If this were actually true why would you even mention it? You really don't know exactly why the son has this particular job and you don't so why be jealous over something you don't know all of the facts about and cannot control?

As far as wedding invitations, baby showers, wedding showers etc, if I never get invited to another one I will be just fine with it.
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:32 AM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
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It would have been nice if they were included, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker in my friendship with someone if I wasn't invited to their wedding or their kid's wedding. Life is too short to be offended over things like that IMO. And your parents cutting off their friends for not inviting them is petty and actions like that may be why they weren't invited in the first place. It bothers me that people seem to think if they introduce one of their friends to another friend, and those people hit it off and become friends outside of the original friendship, that it's like some huge betrayal. You don't own your friends. Some of my best friends are people I met through other friends. I once had a "friend" who called me a friend moocher when I became friends with some people she introduced me to. That's just ridiculous!
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:36 AM
 
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I don't think the non-invitation was rude, JrzDefector is right about there being a lot of different variables which factor into invitation lists. What was rude was the woman talking extensively about it in front of people who weren't invited. One of the basic rules of etiquette is don't talk about events in front of people who aren't invited. I'm ok with someone making a brief mention of it, say the wedding's tomorrow, you're all out to dinner and they talk for 5 minutes about car pooling arrangements, but that should be the extent of it.

I was pretty much one of 2 people not invited to a wedding at one office, the other had started after the woman who was getting married left. I didn't care about not being invited. I had a good friend getting married at the same time. To be honest, it saved me the trouble of declining the invite and sending a small gift. The bride got a bridal shower at work before she left. I was invited to that. She sat next to me, so it would have been really awkward and rude not to participate, so I went and gave her a small gift with a Provenece theme (she talked about an interest in that style/cuisine a lot).

I'm generally not a big fan of workplace showers. I think it should be limited to a voluntary collection for a gift card, with a card, some cake and champagne (if allowable in the workplace). If we're close enough for me to sit through a shower with you, then we're close enough for you to invite me If we're not, then I resent being pressured to attend these events. I stopped going to most at my current job when a woman had her 2nd or 3rd kid within 2 or 3 years and people were collecting office to office. Which I think is rude because it puts people on the spot. One email to let people know is fine and a reminder email right at the deadline is ok. Any more than that is annoying. Email is better because it means it's actually voluntary.

Going back to the wedding of the woman I worked with, I wasn't even too bothered about the shower, it was the endless discussion of the wedding by the people who were going, after the bride left for another job, before and after the wedding. They also left early that day because it was a Friday wedding. They started getting ready for the wedding around lunch time, so they'd get there for the church ceremony with traffic. They got pizza as a group without asking those of us who weren't invited if we wanted to chip in and order with them. Nor were we offered any of the pizza. And we didn't get comp time to equalize things with them leaving early. When I needed to leave an hour early to do something for my friend's wedding, I had to make up the time. Even the woman who didin't know the bride was sick of hearing about it by the time she finally got married!

Another co-worker didn't invite anyone from work due to cost/space considerations. I enjoyed hearing about his plans and seeing the photos after. We had one supervisor who was almost obsessed with his wedding. She found out where it was and sent out an email encouraging people to come to the ceremony, which was probably an hour or more drive for many of us. I might stop by the church for the ceremony (if invited by the bride/groom or family) when I'm not invited to the reception if it's local, say the neighbors or their kids. But I'm not schlepping all the way out for some co-worker's wedding when I'm not invited to the reception. That was a place where they did the gift card/card, cake & champagne, which I think was sufficient.

A second cousin I've met all of twice recently got married and I wasn't invited. I wasn't offended. I saw some of the photos on Facebook and she, her parents and other relatives all looked great all dressed up, so I made some complimentary comments on the photos. I also wished the couple the best when the bride's mom posted about it the day before. The only thing I thought was weird was when the bride's mother did her birthday thanks on Facebook (the mom's birthday was a couple of weeks before the wedding). She said "thanks for the birthday wishes, see you all on (date of the wedding). But I didn't make too much of it because I figured maybe she forgot she had people on her friends' list who weren't invited to the wedding. I think it was more an oversight during a crazed frenzy of planning than a deliberate slight.

Now, for deliberate slights, my mother uses special event seating to punish enemies. Anytime there was an awards program at school or anything like that, she made a big deal about how she better not have to sit near my father. After my cousin's wedding, she made a big deal about how her sister's ex and his 2nd wife sat at the first table, along with my aunt and how that better not happen if I got married (so far, I haven't, plus my father has passed away and I'm no contact with her). At my college graduation, she insisted she wouldn't go to the brunch with the other parents after if my dad and his girlfriend (he met her after the split, and infidelity was not a factor in my parents' split) went also. My dad was very understanding and kindly offered an alternate time for us to go out, just him, his girlfriend, me and my brother). Of course my mother had to come late and cause drama about the tickets (she didn't want to meet outside the venue to get them), which cut into our time with my dad. Also, I missed my friends going out for the last night because of graduation.

More background is that I pretty much helped raise my brother after the split, watching him after school and at night when she wanted to go out with her boyfriend or her friends, which was fairly frequently and often during the week. My dad's girlfriend let us live with her when we adults after our dad had passed away, which was a lot more than she was obligated to. I was working when I lived with her, so I chipped in towards bills, etc. But it allowed me to get on my feet and get a place of my own after I finished school.

My dad's girlfriend wasn't invited at all. I was invited, but I was excluded from many of the activities siblings would be included in. Such as readings, toasts, etc. I was asked literally at the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding by my now sister in law to "sort of be like my maid of honor and hold my flowers" I wasn't included in the pre-wedding family photos and I was the only family member not seated at the table with the bride and groom. Instead, I was seated in between my brother's friend who got really drunk and wandered off (probably the best thing to do) and a friend of my mother's who didn't know the couple who grilled me repeatedly about not being married and not having kids.

Bro & SIL initially said it was an oversight I wasn't included. I didn't ask them about it, I was just going to ignore the whole thing and detach. They were the ones who brought it up with me. Then a week later, they changed their tune and said it was because they were worried about tensions with my mother. Btw, I took it calmly and didn't fight or cause any drama the several times during their wedding day when my mother screamed and sniped at me. For things like buying a yogurt for breakfast and using the "wrong" phone (mine instead of hers) to get directions to the nail salon we were going to when she got lost. So, I think they were excluding the wrong person I knew going into it she was going to pull garbage like that, so I made a decision to stay calm and not let it affect the couple's day. Also, I got a hotel room that was only a few minutes away from where everyone else was staying so I could have a sanctuary. I did skip breakfast with my mother the next day (the happy couple would already be on the road by then) saying I wanted to get an early start on my travels to a friend's place. I'd had it with her by that point and didn't want to cause any drama.

Originally, they'd put her in charge of wedding planning, but then she had to be "fired". There were jokes about it, but I never found out the whole story about that. Or the change from oversight to worried about tensions as the reasoning for me being excluded from many aspects siblings usually participate in.

In that case, yes I was hurt and offended by how I was treated. But it really wasn't about the seating, it was about the history behind it and the way people acted after it. I was perfectly willing to let it go and drop, but bro & SIL had to keep pushing after. When SIL called the next day to apologize for her and bro (she put him on after), I told her not to worry about it and to just enjoy their honeymoon. She was the one who kept babbling bs about wanting to have an "honest" conversation. To be honest, I wasn't in the mood for it, I had an hour drive ahead of me and I felt all of the stress from my mom's drama. I just wanted to get to my friend's and decompress. But I went along with it. It was later with the tensions when she implied the old "buuuuuut sheeeee looooooooves yooouuuu" when I explained some of the background of the tensions (I hadn't said anything to SIL about my mother, I didn't want to bias their relationship or pull SIL into it) when I really started to get angry. I got off the phone before I could say anything I'd regret. But follow up conversation with my bro didn't go well.

We've been estranged for over 3 years. Some people would say it was because of the seating arrangements, but it wasn't. It was the enabling/apologist behavior for my mother's poor treatment of me. I didn't expect them to defend me, but having them join in was too much for me.

Btw, I've been to other weddings solo. Even ones where I only know the bride and/or the groom. And even though I can be shy/have social anxiety, weddings are fairly easy to socialize at because there are built in ice breakers such as how you know the couple, did you come in from out of town, etc. And most people are in a happy, celebratory mood. I've even made friends at weddings, getting to know the friends of my relatives and friends.

Last edited by exscapegoat; 10-04-2012 at 10:52 AM..
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:45 AM
 
Location: Austin
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I hate weddings myself so I don't care if I get invited or not. I didn't even have one when I got married. That's how much I hate them.
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Old 10-04-2012, 10:54 AM
 
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The guest list might very well have been determined by the bride and groom themselves, as it should be. If they don't know your parents well, there was no reason to invite them.

Your parents should look at it like they saved a couple hundred bucks on a gift.
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