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Old 10-05-2012, 01:05 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,433 posts, read 29,510,999 times
Reputation: 19626

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Well here we go. I got my hair done yesterday by my cousin at the shop she works at. I have never been close to her and she normally makes it a point to start trouble. She said this and that about a few of my family members and none of it phased me.....

Until she said some things about my niece. She said my niece needs to be in rehab, that she has a drug addiction. I listened to her as she talked, and I could see where that could happen to her. Her father has a drug addiction and my sister has an alcohol addiction. She went on to say that she had pawned one of her dds laptops as well as their dads laptop for drug money.

I don't know if she would do that but someone with no money and an addiction would do anything to get the drug they are addicted to.

Then she said my niece was selling her body for drug money and her daughters caught her. She went on to say she was pregnant and had an abortion because she didn't know who the father was, her bf or someone else.

Very troubling. Now, I know that my cousin embellishes and this could be none true, half true, I have no idea.

I was in the area so I paid a visit to my aunt and uncle and my uncle asked me out of nowhere what was going on with my niece. I said I didn't know and he told me my aunt had told him she was arrested for stealing.

I have no idea what is going on, and if any of this is true, how she got to such a place. I wanted to say something to my sister but I didn't want her getting upset with me. Soo, since I was still in town, a dropped off at her house and just asked her how my niece was doing.

She told me fine as far as she knows, and I guess I had a look on my face and she asked why I wanted to know. I told her that someone said something about the stealing. She said she never told her anything about it. She wanted to know who said it and she guessed my cousin. I said no, it was my uncle. Then she was sure that it came from the cousin.

She got mad, not at me, but said well do you think people should be going around talking about her like that?

I didn't know what to say so I said yes. I think everyone is really concerned, but doesn't know what to say or do.

I no way no how said what my cousin told me. My sister was glad I said something to her and was going to talk to her daughter.

I hate for it to be like spreading rumors or starting trouble or anything like that, but I care about my niece and it was very difficult approaching my sister. I don't want to be the cause of a divide... =(

I have no idea what to do beyond what I did. Maybe my niece will admit to stealing but if my sister doesn't know the rest, I am sure my niece isn't going to come out with it.

I don't know what to do or how much, if any of it is true......
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Old 10-05-2012, 01:59 PM
 
13,685 posts, read 13,615,774 times
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One of my relatives was in a very bad place a long time ago. My father - never diplomatic - dropped something in the parents' ears, and it made all the difference. You've already done what you can, I think, unless you're close at all with your niece - then maybe you could take her for lunch and offer an ear.
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Old 10-05-2012, 02:05 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,433 posts, read 29,510,999 times
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I hope it's enough. We are close enough, but we live an hour and a half from each other. We don't normally do things like that.....

I hope something happens before it gets out of hand. I don't know if it is as bad as was told to me...
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Old 10-05-2012, 02:20 PM
 
12,886 posts, read 15,448,389 times
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Pikantari, according to you, your cousin "normally makes it a point to start trouble"...your own sister told you she was "fine as far as she knows"...how old is your niece..is she an adult?...Can you not just go and visit your niece, or talk to her on phone if you're concerned?
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Old 10-05-2012, 02:35 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,433 posts, read 29,510,999 times
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My niece is 30. She owes my sister money and my sister is always ragging on her, if she asks for more, etc.

She will not have the confidence to go to her mother. The cousin does start trouble, but usually there is something to it. She may embellish, but I don't know how much.

She is around the same age as my niece and they all grew up partying together. I don't live very close to her to just be able to pop in, truthfully. The phone number I have for her is not her number any more.

I am worried about her. She is a lot like her father and her father is an addict. Cousin says she is getting 'pills' from her uncle. Her fathers brother....

My family is a very complicated things. Its like you say something about someone and it is all out war, but I am concerned for my niece, and I do hope my sister can get to the bottom of it.

If I told her what my cousin said she would have just been pissed and it would have been a big divide. My other cousins would take sides, this person would do that and the other do something else and it would be a huge deal.

I don't know.
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Old 10-05-2012, 05:08 PM
 
Location: Up North
3,406 posts, read 7,567,098 times
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I would go directly to the niece and grab coffees, have lunch, or go shopping (whatever is normal in your family).

I would first chat and behave normally and see if she opens up, or see if you notice her behaving like she is on drugs. She may be really relaxed (acting inapproriatly) or she may be tweaking (like she drank 15 cups of coffee).

A good technique to get someone to divulge something is to share something about you that may seems private. "I used to have a big problem with booze until I got pregnant with my last child...It's hard to think about those times" or "My depression has been really bad lately, it's embarresing to admit".

Yes, the last suggestion is slightly manipulative, but it has worked for me in the past with friends.

My best friend from childhood was addicted to adderall. I know that sounds strange, since it's an ADD medication but think of it as "kiddie coke". She would stay awake for days and looked like she was on harder drugs. She felt like she had self-esteem and was a star when she was on it, but really she was behaving like she was on hard drugs and even started to dress like a druggie in dark grungy clothing.

She confided in me that she had trouble monitoring her intake of her medication and often bought some from drug dealers as well. I told her flat out sans politeness "You act differently. You seem strung out on drugs all the time. You need to find a way to cut back because things can only get worse".

Honestly, I'm not sure if what I said helped at all. Her older sister found out she was over using her prescription and phoned her psychologyst and they stopped prescribing it to her. Now she just drinks a lot of coffee instead.
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Old 10-05-2012, 05:09 PM
 
Location: Up North
3,406 posts, read 7,567,098 times
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also, do you have an idea of what kind of pills she is on?
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Old 10-05-2012, 05:26 PM
 
863 posts, read 1,066,224 times
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I have a couple "s**t stirrers" in my rather large family. I've been dealing with the drama for decades. A few years ago I had had my fill of it. When a relative started talking about another relative, I pulled up my cell phone and said "Hold on, I don't like to have conversations like this without giving the accused a opportunity to defend themselves. Let's make this a 3-way call". That stopped him dead in his tracks. Slam, bam. Done. As you might expect, this person I says I can no longer be trusted. I can no longer be trusted. What a flip!

I understand your concern for a family member who may be in serious trouble. My suggestion is to meet with them privately and spend some quality time with them and when the momen is right, reach out to them and sincerely tell them how you care about them and if there is any time they need you, need to tell you anything, need any help, etc., you'll be there for them. Tell them they're not alone. Perhaps that will give them a opportunity to open up to you.
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Old 10-05-2012, 11:37 PM
 
1,846 posts, read 2,742,108 times
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Directed towards the OP,

I am going to answer your question with a little story.

I have a very near and dear friend, we have been friends for over 22 years.
I know her family, her father is a heroin addict and gets sober then gets back into it, in the meantime when he is not using he is an alcoholic and smokes pot regularly.
Her mother, a very nice lady is very co-dependant and an enabler.

My friend has a sister whom is 31, 8 years ago she became addicted to meth, ever since then, she has been in and out of jail, she was pregnant in jail point in fact, she was stealing from her parents, from friends, and drug buddies, she has gone as far as stripping at private parties ( she did this 3 weeks ago). For 500.00
During this process she has lost custody of her daughter ( now 5) and lost her when her daughter was 2.

Neither of her parents know the extent of her addiction nor a lot of what she does, my friend has had to rely on neighbors, friends whom live in her town ( THEY live 25 minutes away from us) to provide information.
2 months ago my friend and her mother went on a vacay to Oregon and drove (From CALIFORNIA) It was supposed to be a reprieve from all the garbage and stress to see family and attend a family reunion.

During the trip they decided to stop and camp out, a “Cousin” drove out to spend this little impromptu camping trip with them. My friend stated that during the camping trip her mother started telling her cousin all the problems she was having with my friends sister and how she is at her wit’s end.
The cousin from what my friend stated is very outspoken and blunt just as she is, and stated to her mother “I do not know why you are acting all surprised that she has gotten this bad?” “I told you all 5 years ago that she was in a bad way when she came to stay with me here” “I told you and your husband that she has called me since asking me for money whenever she is out of the house and on one of her binges!”
MY FRIENDS mother got very upset with her cousin and made her cry stating that she should not apeak so ill of her cousin and how all of it could not be true, my friends cousin stated that she could call or tell her anything she wanted but she was living in a fairy tale world by not acknowledging every thing she had stated to her years ago and her daughters blood would not be on her hands.

Moral? No parent is ever really receptive to negative news regarding their children because it brings up feelings of ownership.


You stated that your aunt is an alcoholic and your uncle a drug addict? This is huge guilt that they must have and they are obviously in denial. They now have a drug addict for a daughter and must be overwhelmed they cannot even deal with their own addiction and are now faced with their daughter’s?

As far as you feeling that perhaps your cousin embellished how bad your cousin was into drugs and the effects on her actions and behaviors however is it that hard to believe especially when you have heard this from other relatives?

My feelings on this? I would not hesitate to inform the parents of friends, my friends on their children, or my family if I knew a loved one was addicted and spiraling out of control, for all I know I may be helping this person…
I would rather have someone upset with me than to know something horrible happened and I knew about it before hand but kept it to myself.

Good luck.,
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Old 10-05-2012, 11:37 PM
 
47,573 posts, read 60,673,444 times
Reputation: 22283
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pikantari View Post
My niece is 30. She owes my sister money and my sister is always ragging on her, if she asks for more, etc.

She will not have the confidence to go to her mother. The cousin does start trouble, but usually there is something to it. She may embellish, but I don't know how much.

She is around the same age as my niece and they all grew up partying together. I don't live very close to her to just be able to pop in, truthfully. The phone number I have for her is not her number any more.

I am worried about her. She is a lot like her father and her father is an addict. Cousin says she is getting 'pills' from her uncle. Her fathers brother....

My family is a very complicated things. Its like you say something about someone and it is all out war, but I am concerned for my niece, and I do hope my sister can get to the bottom of it.

If I told her what my cousin said she would have just been pissed and it would have been a big divide. My other cousins would take sides, this person would do that and the other do something else and it would be a huge deal.

I don't know.
If your cousin and niece were friends, your cousin may actually care about your niece and trying to let family know, maybe trying to get her help before it's too late.

Drug addiction can be quite devastating to a family and imagine how everyone would feel if she were to overdose. Some will be in denial, some will try to help but get it wrong. Those in denial are actually the worst for the addict because they tend to be the enablers.

If your niece has children, the children may need someone in the family to intervene for them.
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