U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
 
Old 10-05-2012, 09:21 PM
 
Location: Texas
4,935 posts, read 6,770,079 times
Reputation: 5489

Advertisements

Does anyone else hate being burdened with that? Maybe it's just me, but I try to be a transparent person, which makes me feel uncomfortable keeping the secrets of others. I believe the vast majority of secrets people pass on to another are strictly done out of selfish reasons (perhaps to alleviate guilt, or share the burden of their transgressions). I don't want any part of it.
Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-05-2012, 09:25 PM
 
Location: New York
880 posts, read 1,726,546 times
Reputation: 537
It's not always selfishness but I find that when people tell me their secrets, though I do feel burdened, I feel special...as bad as it sounds. It says that people trust me deeply with their secrets, things they don't even tell more important people in their lives.

I know it really sucks, especially if you can't hold it for a very long time and it's waiting for you to explode it out but I think people just want to let their anger out sometimes, or just want to be able to talk to someone, nothing very selfish about it.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-05-2012, 09:30 PM
 
1,470 posts, read 1,700,726 times
Reputation: 584
I have trouble with that, actually. I'm a rather open person in all senses of the word.

When I was younger, my parents could not hide anything from me.

Whenever people told me things (even if they noted, "Please don't tell anybody!"), word always got around to the target.

I constantly rooted out people's secrets unintentionally.

So... yeah...
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-05-2012, 11:48 PM
 
1,846 posts, read 2,728,301 times
Reputation: 2499
Directed towards the Op…

I am the type of person that many confide in whether it be clients, divulging confidential information ( This is a form of secret) my friends, my family, so long as the secret is not harming them or others to a devastating degree then I tend to “forget” the secret and carry on.
When the secret is “out of the bag” so to speak? And people tell me “Did you know?” I say “Yeah, I think I heard something like that.” And that is pretty much it..
Everybody needs someone to confide in from time to time.
I myself do not like having secrets, it is too hard for me to function this way so I choose to be transparent.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-06-2012, 03:42 AM
 
Location: Windham County, VT
10,618 posts, read 4,917,458 times
Reputation: 20783
I'm anti-secret, but pro-privacy.
Assigning which data to which category is a subjective evaluation...

"Secrets" that strike one as something that person X really should know, yet one is specifically prohibited from telling person X vs. "Privacy", where the person in question makes reasonable case for wanting to limit the spread of certain information to certain people.
Dishonesty is far too difficult for me in most circumstances, my default setting is sharing what info. I have. Secrecy burdens me & stresses me out, over an ethical dilemma. Privacy takes effort (to remember not to mention the info.), but there's little-to-no internal conflict about keeping a confidence of that sort.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-06-2012, 10:52 AM
 
14,752 posts, read 28,488,289 times
Reputation: 8777
Quote:
Originally Posted by Philosophizer View Post
Does anyone else hate being burdened with that? Maybe it's just me, but I try to be a transparent person, which makes me feel uncomfortable keeping the secrets of others. I believe the vast majority of secrets people pass on to another are strictly done out of selfish reasons (perhaps to alleviate guilt, or share the burden of their transgressions). I don't want any part of it.
I disagree here. You have to be discerning enough to know if they are passing on guilt, or trust you as a friend and want to tell you about something they've gone through. You're not going to be able to shrug that off all through life. Being a good friend means keeping a few family members' and friends' secrets. It's part of life.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-06-2012, 11:03 AM
 
679 posts, read 1,046,815 times
Reputation: 1111
I'm pretty good about keeping secrets, but if I think someone really has to know, I'll tell. Two examples involving drunk driving. But despite the basic similarity, I made different choices in telling.

Greg (not his real name) got pulled over for erratic driving one night coming home from a bar. The officer let him off with a warning and he learned his lesson. None of us knew about this, but people did notice he switched to soda when we were out. I don't comment on anyone's beverage choices, but one night, we were alone after he'd dropped other people off and he told me about the police stop, asking me not to tell any of our mutual friends.

Peter (not his real name) got either a DUI or DWI one night. Peter didn't learn his lesson. He was angry at the police for pulling him over and the lawyer for the legal fees he charged to represent Peter for the charges. Peter still drinks when he's driving, sometimes excessively.

In Greg's case, I didn't tell our mutual friends, even when we had a falling out. He learned his lesson and wasn't endangering anyone, so I feel betraying his secret to our friends would have been a mean and vindictive thing to do. I even feel a bit weird about posting it here, even though I've taken as much identifying detail out as I can.

Peter faded away from our mutual group of friends before I could let them know, but in Peter's case, I felt the need to let them know. Though it became moot as he dropped away. I felt that was information they should have if they were going to be in a car with him. Especially since he was continuing the behavior after the arrest. If I heard people were back in touch with him, I'd let them know.

My basis for whether a secret gets told, is does the person I'm telling's need to know override the privacy of the person who told me the secret. In Greg's case, his privacy was more important since he wasn't likely to repeat the endangering behavior. In Peter's case, the people who might be in his car's need to know was more important.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-06-2012, 04:35 PM
 
Location: California
30,497 posts, read 33,301,602 times
Reputation: 25969
I don't like secrets. Dont' tell me any. I won't blab anything to anyone but I might mention things to someone I know has no connection and will never have a connection to you.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-06-2012, 05:42 PM
 
Location: Somewhere out there...
3,662 posts, read 7,504,217 times
Reputation: 3705
I hate keeping secrets, I would rather have the other person keep it to themselves. The worst thing is when the conversation starts out with "don't tell anybody but..." well don't tell me either.
Once it leaves their mouth it becomes my burden to "keep" their secret, I didn't ask to know your private info and I don't like being put in that position, especially when it concerns a third party that I have to maintain some sort of a relationship with, that makes me feel weird and put out.
If I tell, I break their trust but if its serious and I don't tell, then I could be letting things go on that could have been stopped if I said something.
Do not tell me any secrets, don't want to know, I've been in a bad position too many times being "the secret keeper".
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-06-2012, 08:43 PM
 
Location: In my skin
9,043 posts, read 14,265,486 times
Reputation: 8899
It's all "selfish", but not in the way you present it, all the time. The only way I'd see it as a burden is if it was something that could really, truly harm them or someone else - kind of like the kind of confidentiality one would expect from their therapist. Some people really just need a compassionate ear. And people have secrets for all kinds of reasons, they are not all scandalous or duplicitous.
Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


 
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:
Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. | Please obey Forum Rules | Terms of Use and Privacy Policy

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top