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Old 10-16-2012, 10:40 AM
915 posts, read 1,841,278 times
Reputation: 509


I have only one brother, 12 years younger than me, and he hates me. We are so different; I'm a political radical, gay, atheist, artist, musician and published writer; been a teacher most of my life, two university degrees from very good schools, own a business. Animal rights activist and vegan. He, on the other hand, makes his living mowing yards, and graduated from a two year junior college in Arkansas. He's a fisherman (fish have feelings, IMHO).

I have never put him down, criticized him, or made negative comments about any of our differences to him. I just, by my very existence, annoy him. According to him, I'm perverse, going to hell, have "artsy-fartsy" friends, and I have "drunk the liberal kool-aid." He gets his opinions from Rush Limbaugh. I get mine from Bertrand Russell, Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, etc.

But I love my brother. I raised him, in part. It shouldn't matter that he hates me, but it does. It hurts. We are not, now, even on speaking terms. I had a bout with cancer recently and he and his wife called me, saying that "all the past is forgiven" and asking me to move back to the city he lives in. But it turned out that he just wanted me to do that in order to get control of my belongings and income. When I hesitated, he lashed out at me again and never wants to contact me again.

How do you deal with rejection from familly, especially in elderly years?


Old 10-16-2012, 10:44 AM
35,108 posts, read 40,230,180 times
Reputation: 62050
Why would you put yourself in a toxic situation voluntarily? Give him what he wants which is no contact and be sure your will specifies he gets nothing, not even the bread wrapper off an old moldly loaf of bread, will it all to charity and if you want to have a bit of revenge after you cross over, specify a charity that you know he hates that will support your perverse, going to hell, artsy fartsy friends who have downed the kool aid and donate it in his name.

Seriously, why waste your time with someone who you know likes nothing about you, just because they are blood does not mean they are family, it means they are blood relatives.
Old 10-16-2012, 10:56 AM
Location: South Florida
4,816 posts, read 5,365,905 times
Reputation: 4864
OP, I feel for you.
I'm in a similar situation only it's my mother and brother.
I don't really have any suggestions to offer.
Just thought sometimes it helps to know there are others in the same situation.

One thing that kind of helps me is a suggestion a friend made:

Treat them/look at them as though they are sick children.
It kind of takes the sting away.
Old 10-16-2012, 11:06 AM
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,161 posts, read 20,464,230 times
Reputation: 26438
He's jealous of you. He's not as well-off financially, he's insecure because you're better-educated.
Old 10-16-2012, 11:08 AM
Location: Colorado
4,308 posts, read 11,804,484 times
Reputation: 4425
This is a tough one. You love your brother and you want him to be a part of your life but he seems to be a nasty, vindictive and disrespectful douche that cares nothing about your feelings or wishes. I know it’s hard as you get older: you want your family to be around and close to you, but obviously whatever overtures you’ve made to him to connect have met with derision and failure. As CSD already said, having someone this unpleasant in your life isn’t doing you any good – it’s making you miserable and he’s never going to change. Just because someone is related to you doesn’t mean you should spend the rest of your life with them. He has no respect for your life choices and no interest in having a real relationship with you.

I think you should cut off contact with your brother and don’t even tell him or the wife about any changes you make to your will or financial situation.

If you really can’t cut him off entirely maybe let him know that you will always care for him but for your own good, he can’t be a part of your life and vice versa.
Old 10-16-2012, 11:24 AM
Location: Pennsylvania
16,351 posts, read 10,337,852 times
Reputation: 28485
With the knowledge that he's doing the rejection, not you.
You can't change or control his behavior.

As CSD610 said, he's your brother, not your friend. Move on.

(been there, done that)
Old 10-16-2012, 11:51 AM
915 posts, read 1,841,278 times
Reputation: 509
Yes; all good advice. He has absolutely no respect for me, and it just strikes me as odd and incomprehensible. He was even at my graduation (from a very fine school). But being NOT LOVED is painful, you know; it's just so hard to understand.

I'm leaving my instruments, books and music to the school and my money to the American Cancer Society. It's already done. He knows nothing about it.

I don't feel revengeful; I feel heartbroken.

He has even visited professional forums where I'm active and embarrassed me publically. At one point I had a Guestbook on my webpage, and he wrote negative things in there. I had to remove the Guestbook.

I should probably find a Guestbook where I have to okay all entries before they come online, shouldn't I?

I've always thought it would get better but it never has.

Last edited by mvintar; 10-16-2012 at 12:32 PM..
Old 10-16-2012, 12:00 PM
915 posts, read 1,841,278 times
Reputation: 509
Originally Posted by cfbs2691 View Post
OP, I feel for you.
I'm in a similar situation only it's my mother and brother.
I don't really have any suggestions to offer.
Just thought sometimes it helps to know there are others in the same situation.

One thing that kind of helps me is a suggestion a friend made:

Treat them/look at them as though they are sick children.
It kind of takes the sting away.
Yes; I really like that idea. I have been angry about this in the past and it doesn't do any good, or hurt anyone but me. Looking at him like he's a child, a hurt child, sort of helps though really, I feel so "motherely" towards him, it's like admitting I failed, somehow. But I left home when he was around six years old, so I am certainly not responsible for his upbringing. And I had to leave him to pursue my education, and get away from the family, which was very conventional and conservative, and did not accept me at all. After that, he got very close with my mother, who was (both my parents are deceased now) very nuts, really, mental about the Bible, Jesus, etc. And very much a racist, a religious bigot, and hated black people, gays, etc. The whole stereotypical thing, I guess.

I went on full scholarship to an Ivy League-like school. No one ever talks much about the problems of gifted students because everyone thinks that, since they're gifted, they're lucky and can take care of themselves. But there is a lot of emotional turmoil associated with losing the love and support of one's immediate family. And a lot of years of loneliness and financial struggle which so many people are lucky to avoid, since their family loves them.
Old 10-16-2012, 12:08 PM
13,677 posts, read 13,590,780 times
Reputation: 39892
OP, my heart aches for you. I have to a certain extent gone through something similar recently with a younger family member I mentored basically since birth. When I called her out on some beyond-the-pale behavior, she dismissed my stance on the issue pretty much with a shrug and a laugh - said she was proud of what she'd done - and I could see no other recourse but to end contact (while making it clear that she was welcome in my life any time she rethought her actions). I love her with all my heart, but I will not have someone I can't trust in my life. I posted on here recently asking how I could allow her in my life but keep the drama to a minimum, and came to the conclusion that it was impossible.

You have everything your brother does not, and despite his religious beliefs, you seem like you have the firmer moral convictions - so he's especially going to resent you in that regard. His mercenary reasons for trying to get you to move back to your hometown especially make me think it's time to shut down all contact. I shudder to think what would happen if you allowed him any control over your life. I think that the best families are often the ones we make for ourselves. Build up your ties with the people you have chosen to be in your life; cultivate those relationships more closely. Start your own traditions with them. Sometimes we just get dealt a bad hand with our biological family - best to fold and start over.
Old 10-16-2012, 12:18 PM
Location: Corona the I.E.
10,077 posts, read 14,019,795 times
Reputation: 8918
This is going to probably be a slow grieving process for you, it's like a death in a way. You have thrown out the olive branch just to have it get squashed so you did the best you could you need to come to acceptance that's the way it is. Hell my Dad and I don't have the best relationship. He was a flake when I was growing up most of the time. I stopped calling him my Dad about 7 years ago and now just view him a friend I feel sorry for. It's better for me and we can occasionally talk, but nothing deep.
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