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Old 10-19-2012, 06:48 PM
 
458 posts, read 511,523 times
Reputation: 812

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I respect both decisions, especially hers! A year is not a long time at all, IMO (alot of people can mask "crazy" for quite a bit of time) it's not enough time to get to really know someone, let alone move for someone.

At least he didn't string her along. He showed her what was important to him. As long as he wasn't an a$$ with the break-up he revealed his true self, and perhaps as he grows other things will be more or less important to him.

I'd never suggest a daughter or my sons follow someone if they weren't married, and let alone after only a year.

Also, to the poster who mentioned it, I also made the decision to "shack" with my boyfriend as a young person----dumb, dumb, dumb---so make room for me on that couch.......

And the person I moved in with is currently my best friend and husband of 13 years
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Old 10-19-2012, 07:11 PM
 
676 posts, read 1,053,684 times
Reputation: 1126
Quote:
Originally Posted by DomRep View Post
It's what he told me. He said something to the effect that he needs someone who can keep up with him, willing to be flexible. Only thing I told him is that if he ever wanted to talk about it, I was all ears. I've got some thoughts about it but at the end of the day, he's a grown ass man, it's his life. I can see both sides to the story, but at the same time, the break up 2 weeks after their 1 year anniversary seemed sudden/rushed/short sighted. You have an entire year to figure this out.
He was willing to do a Long Distance Relationship though, wasn't he? And she was the one who didn't want to have a LDR, right? Which is understandable, but doesn't that make her the one who ended the relationship? Not that there's anything wrong with it, sounds like it had run its course. Are you sure he's not just saying he broke up and the part about keeping up to save face from what he may perceive as rejection?

This couple had the following options:

1) He stays local for grad school so they can be together

2) She moves with him so they can stay together

3) They do a LDR until he finishes school

4) They take a break and see if they still want to be together

5) They end the relationship

Each of them had their issues with 1 or 2. She didn't want 3, so that leaves 4 or 5. One thing I've learned over the years is that even close friends/family only see a portion of a relationship. This may have been the deciding factor, but there may have been other problems in the relationship.
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Old 10-19-2012, 07:58 PM
 
317 posts, read 484,906 times
Reputation: 404
i understand the guy, i regret not having gone to Ranger school, cause my wife [ex-wife now] didnt want me deployed every month or so, even though i'd be a ranger qualified supply clerk. I was given an opportunity and i turned it down cause of her. Then another one came up for me to PCS to Hawaii and once again tuned it down cause of her
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Old 10-19-2012, 10:26 PM
 
16,482 posts, read 21,088,666 times
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It is hard to believe that your friend is deeply in love with his girlfriend and I do not think he would leave and leave her behind. It sounds like he wants to move on with his life and live someplace new. He may or he may not regret it. The same could be said for the girlfriend. If she is unwilling to move with him so they can be together, then how much in love could she be? Perhaps it is time for them both to go their own ways.
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Old 10-20-2012, 08:06 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 10,044,748 times
Reputation: 19443
I think they made the right decision. Whether or not they'll be content with it later, is anyone's guess. Once they're apart for a while, they might change their minds. Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder. In truth though, they both might end up finding someone who is more compatible with each of them.

If he considers her "inflexible", because she won't uproot herself and do exactly what he wanted her to do, she's probably better off without him. In the grand scheme of things...who's really being the inflexible one? There is a school close by, but he's so inflexible, that he won't choose HER over the more distant school.

It almost appears as if he was simply looking for a way out of the relationship. Did he really not know that she wouldn't go with him? I doubt it.
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Old 10-20-2012, 08:20 AM
 
6,475 posts, read 9,931,031 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beachmel View Post

If he considers her "inflexible", because she won't uproot herself and do exactly what he wanted her to do, she's probably better off without him.
No, she was inflexible. He was willing to do long distance, she wasn't. He offered 2 options, and she took neither one. I'll bet she was concerned with not having a regular date on Saturday night.

In the end, she left him no choice. Better for both.
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Old 10-20-2012, 12:13 PM
 
Location: Chicago area
14,407 posts, read 7,926,626 times
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Sometimes the end of the world is just a better beginning. I think he should finish his education. It's a tough world out there and and every advantage means a leg up. It doesn't mean they won't find their way back together in the future. What's meant to be will be.
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Old 10-20-2012, 12:15 PM
 
6,333 posts, read 3,408,041 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
No, she was inflexible. He was willing to do long distance, she wasn't. He offered 2 options, and she took neither one. I'll bet she was concerned with not having a regular date on Saturday night.

In the end, she left him no choice. Better for both.
Actually, there was one choice he didn't offer her.

Why didn't he ever ask her to marry him?
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Old 10-20-2012, 12:28 PM
 
676 posts, read 1,053,684 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minethatbird View Post
Actually, there was one choice he didn't offer her.

Why didn't he ever ask her to marry him?
Given they couldn't come to a mutually agreeable compromise on an issue important to them both, why would marriage be a good idea? How in the world would the manage larger decisisons such as if they should have kids, if so, when to have them, how many? How would they manage the major day to day stuff married couples have to deal with like finances and running a household? Yes, couples do have their disagreements, but if they don't have the basic framework to work out compromises to disagreements and other differences, the marriage is doomed to fail or be unhappy.

Getting married and having kids are not solutions to relationship problems. In fact, any existing problems tend to be worsened by those 2 major life changers. Marriage and children can be rewarding, but they are also a lot of work and stress, so people really should make those decisions for the right reasons. Trying to hold onto a relationship which isn't working isn't a right reason.

Furthermore, if he marries her and they end up divorced, he could end up having to pay her spousal support. And I'm not saying the woman in question will do it, but some people will "oops" a partner (lie about and/or sabotage birth control) to have children against their partners wishes. In which case, one can add child support to the tab.
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Old 10-20-2012, 12:43 PM
 
6,333 posts, read 3,408,041 times
Reputation: 3498
Quote:
Originally Posted by exscapegoat View Post
Given they couldn't come to a mutually agreeable compromise on an issue important to them both, why would marriage be a good idea? How in the world would the manage larger decisisons such as if they should have kids, if so, when to have them, how many? How would they manage the major day to day stuff married couples have to deal with like finances and running a household? Yes, couples do have their disagreements, but if they don't have the basic framework to work out compromises to disagreements and other differences, the marriage is doomed to fail or be unhappy.

Getting married and having kids are not solutions to relationship problems. In fact, any existing problems tend to be worsened by those 2 major life changers. Marriage and children can be rewarding, but they are also a lot of work and stress, so people really should make those decisions for the right reasons. Trying to hold onto a relationship which isn't working isn't a right reason.

Furthermore, if he marries her and they end up divorced, he could end up having to pay her spousal support. And I'm not saying the woman in question will do it, but some people will "oops" a partner (lie about and/or sabotage birth control) to have children against their partners wishes. In which case, one can add child support to the tab.
So, in other words, she's good enough to uproot her life or wait for him but she's not good enough to marry?
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