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Old 10-20-2012, 06:09 PM
 
6 posts, read 23,268 times
Reputation: 10

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First of all I apologize for the length. Please take a moment to read through this. The opinion of other young people as well the opinion of parents that may be on this site would be extremely helpful.

I am a 22 years old girl and I have lived with my parents my entire life. I never moved away for college like most people do because I never really had a say.

A little background...My parents are immigrants in this country and while they don't speak English very well, they can get by on their own (they have jobs, they have cousins and friends here). They have always been overprotective and still want to micromanage my life as if I was 5 years old...Example: mom still demands to know what time I am leaving the house every day, what my class schedule is like, when I will be getting home, where I am at all times, and who I am with etc. If I haven't told them when I'll be home. or if I am just 15 min late from when I said I'd be home, I will get 15 voice-mails of my parents yelling and demanding to know what's going on. My mom still seems to think that, at 22, I am incapable of feeding myself.

This has been the situation my entire life and the more it continues the more I realize how much it has affected me. I currently have no social life, no social skills, no friends, or boyfriend. Whenever I did want to go out and do something non-school or work related I was always given the disappointed look and a speech about how much they have sacrificed for my wellbeing and how I wasn’t being a good daughter. I don’t remember ever having a heart to heart talk with my parents, and whenever I try to speak to them I feel like a ****ty daughter. When I went on a few dates, a couple of years ago, I always had to lie and say that I was at school or work so I didn’t have to explain to them that I have needs and desires that go beyond school education. My sister lived at home until she was 26 when she got married, and the worst part is that now she is starting to hint that if I move away from my family I am a terrible person who simply doesn’t care.

But I do care, I value family and I love my parents to pieces but I never feel any love back, I only get disapproval from them. I know they do things out of love and I know they want the best for me but at this moment I look back on my life and I feel like I have missed out of so much because I was pressured to be this perfect little girl who stays at home and does homework all the time to please her parents. I feel like I missed out on being a carefree child and teenager. I now I realize that I haven’t actually lived life…I have no street smarts…I do nothing for fun because I will always meet the disproving looks and words of my father and I will feel guilty. Whatever I did was never good enough and there was always something I should have done better.

So here I am: valedictorian of my class, as far as grades go and a good job, but with no social skills, feeling worthless and depressed as hell. What’s worse is that I find myself chasing after romantic relationships that make me feel worthless and resemble the relationship with my father. (EX. I have spent the last 3 years of my life lusting over and chasing after a man who, just like my father, always found something wrong with whatever I said and did and always made me feel unworthy of his love.)

I don’t want to live life like this anymore, in this little bubble, and am very much looking forward to graduating from college so that I have another chance to move away.
Whenever I mention something about moving away to my parents the arguments start. They always played the “we need you” and "we'll be miserable if you leave" cards and I feel very selfish for wanting to move away so badly. My father has even said to me “your mom and I only had kids so that when we got old we had someone to take care of us”. And while I want to take care of them, I think they really have issues understanding that I'm no longer 10 and those issues are translating over to me, making me incredibly unhappy and seeking for a fresh start on my life.

I want to experience life on my own, make my own decision, make mistakes and learn from them. Am I way out of line here? Am I being selfish? How do I tell them that I have decided to move away without hurting them?

Don’t get me wrong, I take full responsibility for my unhappiness – after all no one tied me in chains to stay in this house. But I never had the courage to do something that I know will make them sad and now I feel like I have finally had enough and I am ready to take action.

I know financially moving away will be hard with only a couple thousands of dollars that I have saved and I know I will be very lonely moving far way from everything that is familiar to me so far, but I can’t get any lonelier and more depressed than this.

If you have any suggestions about how to deal with this, a similar story or anything related please let me know.
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Old 10-20-2012, 06:40 PM
 
Location: Philadelphia, Pa
1,434 posts, read 1,547,138 times
Reputation: 1604
Quote:
Originally Posted by massgirl22 View Post
First of all I apologize for the length. Please take a moment to read through this. The opinion of other young people as well the opinion of parents that may be on this site would be extremely helpful.

I am a 22 years old girl and I have lived with my parents my entire life. I never moved away for college like most people do because I never really had a say.

A little background...My parents are immigrants in this country and while they don't speak English very well, they can get by on their own (they have jobs, they have cousins and friends here). They have always been overprotective and still want to micromanage my life as if I was 5 years old...Example: mom still demands to know what time I am leaving the house every day, what my class schedule is like, when I will be getting home, where I am at all times, and who I am with etc. If I haven't told them when I'll be home. or if I am just 15 min late from when I said I'd be home, I will get 15 voice-mails of my parents yelling and demanding to know what's going on. My mom still seems to think that, at 22, I am incapable of feeding myself.

This has been the situation my entire life and the more it continues the more I realize how much it has affected me. I currently have no social life, no social skills, no friends, or boyfriend. Whenever I did want to go out and do something non-school or work related I was always given the disappointed look and a speech about how much they have sacrificed for my wellbeing and how I wasn’t being a good daughter. I don’t remember ever having a heart to heart talk with my parents, and whenever I try to speak to them I feel like a ****ty daughter. When I went on a few dates, a couple of years ago, I always had to lie and say that I was at school or work so I didn’t have to explain to them that I have needs and desires that go beyond school education. My sister lived at home until she was 26 when she got married, and the worst part is that now she is starting to hint that if I move away from my family I am a terrible person who simply doesn’t care.

But I do care, I value family and I love my parents to pieces but I never feel any love back, I only get disapproval from them. I know they do things out of love and I know they want the best for me but at this moment I look back on my life and I feel like I have missed out of so much because I was pressured to be this perfect little girl who stays at home and does homework all the time to please her parents. I feel like I missed out on being a carefree child and teenager. I now I realize that I haven’t actually lived life…I have no street smarts…I do nothing for fun because I will always meet the disproving looks and words of my father and I will feel guilty. Whatever I did was never good enough and there was always something I should have done better.

So here I am: valedictorian of my class, as far as grades go and a good job, but with no social skills, feeling worthless and depressed as hell. What’s worse is that I find myself chasing after romantic relationships that make me feel worthless and resemble the relationship with my father. (EX. I have spent the last 3 years of my life lusting over and chasing after a man who, just like my father, always found something wrong with whatever I said and did and always made me feel unworthy of his love.)

I don’t want to live life like this anymore, in this little bubble, and am very much looking forward to graduating from college so that I have another chance to move away.
Whenever I mention something about moving away to my parents the arguments start. They always played the “we need you” and "we'll be miserable if you leave" cards and I feel very selfish for wanting to move away so badly. My father has even said to me “your mom and I only had kids so that when we got old we had someone to take care of us”. And while I want to take care of them, I think they really have issues understanding that I'm no longer 10 and those issues are translating over to me, making me incredibly unhappy and seeking for a fresh start on my life.

I want to experience life on my own, make my own decision, make mistakes and learn from them. Am I way out of line here? Am I being selfish? How do I tell them that I have decided to move away without hurting them?

Don’t get me wrong, I take full responsibility for my unhappiness – after all no one tied me in chains to stay in this house. But I never had the courage to do something that I know will make them sad and now I feel like I have finally had enough and I am ready to take action.

I know financially moving away will be hard with only a couple thousands of dollars that I have saved and I know I will be very lonely moving far way from everything that is familiar to me so far, but I can’t get any lonelier and more depressed than this.

If you have any suggestions about how to deal with this, a similar story or anything related please let me know.

There's the problem right there. They've treated you like a child for so long that you refer to yourself as a 22 year old girl.
I know it's hard, but you might want to remain with your parents a little while longer so you will save more than a couple thousand dollars.
It's hard moving, moving fees, apartment/house cost, rent,etc. You can't do it all.

So,until you have the money to move, you need to be firm, yet respectful to your parents.

Explain to them how you feel, refuse to listen to their guilt trip stories. Explain that you are a very intelligent young woman.
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Old 10-20-2012, 07:19 PM
 
6 posts, read 23,268 times
Reputation: 10
I wouldn't mind working 2-3 jobs and taking a loan to get through for a little while. I have paid all my tuition and currently have no debt so I don't think it would hurt me too much.
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Old 10-20-2012, 08:34 PM
 
1,677 posts, read 2,057,537 times
Reputation: 5491
You are entitled to your own life. They had theirs, they had opportunities to make their own choices, and so should you. So don't buy into the guilt trip. Come up with a plan, and follow through. Either your parents will accept and deal with it, or they will disapprove, but either way, you cannot live your life exclusively to please them. As you can see now, it will do nothing but make YOU miserable.
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Old 10-20-2012, 08:57 PM
 
Location: Southern Willamette Valley, Oregon
6,837 posts, read 7,895,416 times
Reputation: 12685
Why do you feel you need to move far away? What's wrong with rooming with a couple other girls across town from your folks? I know you said you lack social skills, but many roomates like quiet keep-to-themselves type people to share the house with.
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Old 10-20-2012, 09:55 PM
 
Location: Wherever life takes me.
6,134 posts, read 6,678,708 times
Reputation: 3134
Given how controlling and crazy your parents sound, it sounds like the further you move away the better.

I was in your same situation, like idk a year or so ago. Granted my family has been in the us for hundreds of years so I don't have the whole guilt tripping immigrant parent part to do deal with but it was bad.

I finally moved out and still feel like I need to move further.
Distance really does work wonders. I feel like if I could add maybe atleast 50+ miles then things would get even better. You don't need to move out of state but at least 100 miles would put a nice buffer between you guys but still be close enough that it isn't a financial drain to travel on the holidays.

Since you have no ties, friends/family then it would be pretty easy for you to start over fresh somewhere new.

But I feel your pain, I really do, just today I had to deal with my mother, she too needs a muzzle.
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Old 10-21-2012, 02:08 AM
 
Location: California
30,693 posts, read 33,456,199 times
Reputation: 26112
Tell you're parents you will do your best to take care of them WHEN THEY NEED IT and how happy you are that they don't need it yet so in the meantime you're going to go live your own life. Then just do it. They may be angry and you may get nasty phone calls from people but stand your ground and if they don't come around stop answering the phone for awhile. It won't make you a bad daughter, in fact you can't be a good one if you don't learn to actually live on your own.
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Old 10-21-2012, 04:14 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,484 posts, read 43,747,138 times
Reputation: 47257
You are dealing with some serious cultural issues. Many people move to this country for opportunities but try to raise their children in the ways of the old country and all sorts of clashes ensue.

This is what I would do.

Start doing some research about where you would like to move when you get your degree and can be truly independent. Don't discuss this with them. Just spend the rest of your time planning and thinking about your next step. Save as much money as possible. Rent a post office box for any snail mail correspondence you might need for your new life- ie, brochures, job applications, etc. make sure your computer is secure so they can't snoop into what you are looking at.

Line up your life and when the time is right just DO IT. Don't tell them "This is what I'm thinking about doing." Tell them :

"Today I am moving out to start my adult life. I sincerely appreciate all you have given me and I will love you and care for you in your elderly years so you don't need to worry about that. I want to experience life on my own terms, not as what you want me to be. Please respect my decision and have some pride in how you have raised me and show me you acknowledge I am a full adult now with my own life to live. I am well aware I will stumble and fall and will make mistakes but it is time I start taking some chances and risks. This is how I will grow and reach my full potential. My mind is made up, the car is packed and there is nothing you can do to stop me. Where our relationship goes in the future is up to you now. Please wish me well." THEN LEAVE

yes all of them will play the guilt card- especially your sister because she is jealous that you are doing what she lacked the nerve to do. Keep all lines of communication open and don't burn any bridges. You simply must get out of there for your own sanity and before you start thinking you are too old to strike out. In the mean time you might get some counselling to help you with your resolve and planning. Hopefully you can carry out your plan in no time at all and be able to have a lot of confidence in yourself. If you can't do this in a year's time, then stop talking about leaving but make baby steps with your social life. Join groups, volunteer, get another PT job- anything to make yourself feel you are working toward a goal and making progress. And for heaven sake don't get involved with any man like your father. slam the door on that relationship, get a vibrator and take care of yourself. Good luck.
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Old 10-21-2012, 07:33 AM
 
2,490 posts, read 3,745,335 times
Reputation: 2871
Move away. Somewhere very far, far away!!
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Old 10-21-2012, 07:42 AM
 
2,612 posts, read 4,766,585 times
Reputation: 3943
I don't agree that you should move far away. This is a very American idea, that we should be independent early and pretty much cut ties with our parents. Life is not all fun and parties on your own. Truthfully, being on your own can be dangerous, lonely, financially difficult, and just plain hard, and that is especially true of women. I spent years being independent and trying to live up to that single girl stereotype, but in reality I was not happy and had many difficulties - and made many bad decisions - that I would not have if only I'd had supportive parents and listened to them. If you are valedictorian (I'm confused - college, right??) then in many ways they've done a much better job than most parents,whatever you think of them. I'm sure your parents do love you, and their disapproval is simply a way they have chosen to parent to create a successful person, no matter the consequences.

Perhaps you could assert your independence in a less drastic way. Maybe move out, but stay in the area. Perhaps if you don't back down, they will eventually accept that and give you some support for living on your own.
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