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It's hard making new friends, when I was in my 20's I had so many friends, it seemed like I was making new friends all the time, too many to keep up the reltionship. I had so many people around and spent a lot of time with my family, my sister and I would do things with our kids and then I had my sister in law, we got together all the time, my grandparents had a cabin, so the weekends were up at the lake and most of my free time was with family. I got together with my friends off and on, but when you're always busy when they want to do something, you pretty much drift apart.
Then I spent most of my life with my kids and husband and his family also, so I lost contact with most of my friends and now I only have a few people I talk with anymore, besides neighbors and people at work and in the public, I mean a real deep friend, who you can tell ANYTHING to. I don't have those anymore, I feel like I need a "real" friend. You take for granted all the friends you've had and think there will be more but that's not true, as you get in your 40's I think people have established their life long friends and it's hard to break into a new group of people. Adults are more judgemental and people want to assess each other.
I've always had such a full life, so full of friends and relatives, never a dull moment. Now I'm basically alone with kids, my husband is on the road with work. That has alot to do with it too, I wasn't so lonely when he was home, now that he is only home 5 days every 2 weeks I've been needing a friend.
I think about all the friends I've had in my lifetime, it's crazy how many friends I've had. I could call them, but it would seem odd after so many years. Facebook has brought me in touch with several old friends, one who friended me few years ago and finally visited her in April and again in July, we're getting together again next weeked, it just feels different, there doesn't seem to be a connection there. She is the one keeps asking me to get together but it just feels forced. We were friends from 10th grade until we were about 25, then we kind of faded away, never had a falling out, just had seperate lifestyles and eventually faded away from each other. She never married or had kids and I was married with kids, so she had a much more carefree life and I hung around other moms.
Anyway, I'm still trying to find "that" friend, you no it when you meet them, you can talk about anything and you feel at ease with them.
Does it exist anymore?
Great post. I would like to add some perspective:
Unlike you, I never married till I was past childbearing age (later 40's). Now my husband is my best friend and he is retired, but even when he was not, we were constant companions evenings and weekends. This is good but is also a liability: He is quiet, a nerd sort of, a techie type sort of and he doesn't feel the need for male friends and has none, zero. He is well liked but lives his life more or less through me.
I, too, crave a real bunch of girlfriends, or, especially, a good female friend. I am in my 60's, now. It's a different ballgame the older you get. Yet, a relative, a female, related by marriage, told me she made friends with someone when they were both in their late 70's! They used to eat at the same mall at mid morning when they took their morning mall walk and sat near each other for 10 years and finally started to talk she said, and now they are good friends! But I don't know if they are soul mates. This relative is still married to her husband and they are in their 80's now.
I have found the following and it brings great comfort to me, actually: I have found that it is NOT true that I don't have people who can be considered "friends" but it is far, far more circumspect. My "friends" are not like those in the good old college days,or in my 20's,but my needs are perhaps different and I don't even realize it usually: You are so much wiser and more experienced as you age and you don't always require the kind of thing you need in a friend when you are much younger. I therefore feel pretty much satisfied with having conversations with "casual" friends, people whom I might meet and share a particular interest or volunteer activity, but with whom I do not feel close in most other ways. But I can live with that pretty well. I don't have the same needs. I don't need that one person - of course I have my daily companion, my spouse.
I guess, in conclusion, that what I have come to feel is that it is highly likely that one does not make a soul mate friend after a certain age: It becomes a selection, instead, of certain people who share SOME interests, problems, concerns, activities with you. I think that this phenomenon is part of growing older as an adult.
Unlike you, I never married till I was past childbearing age (later 40's). Now my husband is my best friend and he is retired, but even when he was not, we were constant companions evenings and weekends. This is good but is also a liability: He is quiet, a nerd sort of, a techie type sort of and he doesn't feel the need for male friends and has none, zero. He is well liked but lives his life more or less through me.
I, too, crave a real bunch of girlfriends, or, especially, a good female friend. I am in my 60's, now. It's a different ballgame the older you get. Yet, a relative, a female, related by marriage, told me she made friends with someone when they were both in their late 70's! They used to eat at the same mall at mid morning when they took their morning mall walk and sat near each other for 10 years and finally started to talk she said, and now they are good friends! But I don't know if they are soul mates. This relative is still married to her husband and they are in their 80's now.
I have found the following and it brings great comfort to me, actually: I have found that it is NOT true that I don't have people who can be considered "friends" but it is far, far more circumspect. My "friends" are not like those in the good old college days,or in my 20's,but my needs are perhaps different and I don't even realize it usually: You are so much wiser and more experienced as you age and you don't always require the kind of thing you need in a friend when you are much younger. I therefore feel pretty much satisfied with having conversations with "casual" friends, people whom I might meet and share a particular interest or volunteer activity, but with whom I do not feel close in most other ways. But I can live with that pretty well. I don't have the same needs. I don't need that one person - of course I have my daily companion, my spouse.
I guess, in conclusion, that what I have come to feel is that it is highly likely that one does not make a soul mate friend after a certain age: It becomes a selection, instead, of certain people who share SOME interests, problems, concerns, activities with you. I think that this phenomenon is part of growing older as an adult.
We are similar in the fact that my husband is a low key type of guy who doesn't really have any friends, he had "friends" when we met, they were on the same softball team and would party after ball. But real friends, that he could call up out of the blue and say "hi" no, he didn't really have any since his late teen s.
Now that he works away from home and is with other guys 24/7, it sounds like they are having quite a nice chit chat time, while I sit home alone with kids.
I'm semi content with casual conversations with strangers, I seem to have at least one a day, but that doesn't always fill the whole. Most of my relatives are gone or moved away and short on GF's, I wish I had place I could just show up , have coffee and say 'HI".
It just feels like there is a void, my house is never empty, there are 4 kids with me but it feels lonely quite a bit. I miss the silly, care free days of laughing with the girls.
We are similar in the fact that my husband is a low key type of guy who doesn't really have any friends, he had "friends" when we met, they were on the same softball team and would party after ball. But real friends, that he could call up out of the blue and say "hi" no, he didn't really have any since his late teen s.
Now that he works away from home and is with other guys 24/7, it sounds like they are having quite a nice chit chat time, while I sit home alone with kids.
I'm semi content with casual conversations with strangers, I seem to have at least one a day, but that doesn't always fill the whole. Most of my relatives are gone or moved away and short on GF's, I wish I had place I could just show up , have coffee and say 'HI".
It just feels like there is a void, my house is never empty, there are 4 kids with me but it feels lonely quite a bit. I miss the silly, care free days of laughing with the girls.
I wonder how old your kids are...I feel your pain. Same here with husband being best friend--we are lucky! Yet when I was at home with my kids, it was noisy, etc yet, still lonely. That is when I did Moms groups which well, had their cliques, but it was still someone to shoot the breeze with but if you ask today if I have kept in touch with any of them, the answer is no. I know some women join church groups, perhaps those ladies are friendlier. I wish you luck, you sound like a nice person.
Unlike you, I never married till I was past childbearing age (later 40's). Now my husband is my best friend and he is retired, but even when he was not, we were constant companions evenings and weekends. This is good but is also a liability: He is quiet, a nerd sort of, a techie type sort of and he doesn't feel the need for male friends and has none, zero. He is well liked but lives his life more or less through me.
I, too, crave a real bunch of girlfriends, or, especially, a good female friend. I am in my 60's, now. It's a different ballgame the older you get. Yet, a relative, a female, related by marriage, told me she made friends with someone when they were both in their late 70's! They used to eat at the same mall at mid morning when they took their morning mall walk and sat near each other for 10 years and finally started to talk she said, and now they are good friends! But I don't know if they are soul mates. This relative is still married to her husband and they are in their 80's now.
I have found the following and it brings great comfort to me, actually: I have found that it is NOT true that I don't have people who can be considered "friends" but it is far, far more circumspect. My "friends" are not like those in the good old college days,or in my 20's,but my needs are perhaps different and I don't even realize it usually: You are so much wiser and more experienced as you age and you don't always require the kind of thing you need in a friend when you are much younger. I therefore feel pretty much satisfied with having conversations with "casual" friends, people whom I might meet and share a particular interest or volunteer activity, but with whom I do not feel close in most other ways. But I can live with that pretty well. I don't have the same needs. I don't need that one person - of course I have my daily companion, my spouse.
I guess, in conclusion, that what I have come to feel is that it is highly likely that one does not make a soul mate friend after a certain age: It becomes a selection, instead, of certain people who share SOME interests, problems, concerns, activities with you. I think that this phenomenon is part of growing older as an adult.
Martha Anne, we are lucky to have husbands that are our best friends! Agree with your post especially this:
"I therefore feel pretty much satisfied with having conversations with "casual" friends, people whom I might meet and share a particular interest or volunteer activity, but with whom I do not feel close in most other ways. But I can live with that pretty well. I don't have the same needs. I don't need that one person - of course I have my daily companion, my spouse."
The "friends" I have feel the "need" to go on a girl's weekend, etc, whereas, I want to be with my family. They feel the need to leave the kids behind with friends or family to take a couple's trip, whereas, we did that when we were child-free and don't have that same need right now.
At this point, I am content with the "friends" I have but I feel fortunate to have found my lifelong friend.
oh I am having trouble with making friends too and I am only in my twenties... know what helps?
Take a class. Better if it is with people your own age because you have more to talk about. Like computers? Take a computer class.
Like yoga? Take a yoga class?
Like hiphop? Take a hiphop class!
Like KungFu fighting? Take a KungFu fighting class!
I concur with the "take classes" advice. My wife has always had trouble making friends, despite the fact that she's pretty, funny, kind, smart -- in short, a great catch for friendship. For whatever reason, she's always a bit too reticent around strangers to make a lasting impression and build a good friendship. That said, in the past few years she has began to make some good friends by taking classes. She took a kickboxing class a few years ago, and started chatting with this woman who was also taking it. After the class, the woman began inviting her for coffee, which eventually developed into stopping by the house .. and then more get-togethers from there. My wife also made a friend in a similar fashion by taking a yoga class. This works for my wife because this gives her the chance to see the same faces on a regular basis. She's ok talking to people she has seen a few times.. she's just not good at opening up right away. If that describes you, OP, you should try this strategy too.
We are similar in the fact that my husband is a low key type of guy who doesn't really have any friends, he had "friends" when we met, they were on the same softball team and would party after ball. But real friends, that he could call up out of the blue and say "hi" no, he didn't really have any since his late teen s.
Now that he works away from home and is with other guys 24/7, it sounds like they are having quite a nice chit chat time, while I sit home alone with kids.
I'm semi content with casual conversations with strangers, I seem to have at least one a day, but that doesn't always fill the whole. Most of my relatives are gone or moved away and short on GF's, I wish I had place I could just show up , have coffee and say 'HI".
It just feels like there is a void, my house is never empty, there are 4 kids with me but it feels lonely quite a bit. I miss the silly, care free days of laughing with the girls.
Yes, your being the only adult around so much of the time, night and day, must be very hard and I would feel exactly as you do. I admit that my husband being here all of the time is a buffer against loneliness.
I think you do need a friend or two, good ones with whom you are very comfortable. I wish I had that, too!
I'm a loner who has a wide circle of friends. A few suggestions:
1) Join a meetup group (meetup.org) that aligns with your interests, or targets an area you'd like to learn more about.
2) Volunteer at a charity or facility that is important to you.
3) Get a part-time retail job at a store that sells something that aligns with your interests (for me, it was a bookstore)
4) If you enjoy dogs, get a dog. Participate in a dog-related sport, take it on hikes or to the dog park, etc.
5) Take some noncredit classes in an area that interests you.
6) Become a regular at a diner, restaurant, or bar where you feel comfortable. Especially if it has a trivia or karaoke night or something like that.
7) If you like sports, start following a minor league team - I've found that the fans for those teams often form close ties.
8) Attend cultural events that you enjoy - even if it's by yourself. I've made friends at concerts on more than one occasion.
9) Join some sort of athletic organization like a running group (they have all levels) or a kickball team or whatever.
I think it makes a huge difference if you just go into every event or task in your life where you will interact with other people thinking "Hey, maybe I'll meet someone new and interesting." I'm a straight woman, and I've walked out of speed dating events with the phone numbers of OTHER WOMEN, who ended up becoming pretty good friends. I've made friends on C-D. I have many friends from a part-time retail job I used to have.
You might also want to consider telling your current circle of friends that you want to expand your social circle (just as some people tell their friends they're single and looking) and ask that they include you in events with their other groups of friends. A lot of my current circle started out as "friends of friends."
I think you are great! You really took charge of your problem. I am going to keep some of your tips in mind for myself!
If you tend toward introversion OP it's just harder to make friends in general and I find that the older I get the harder it is. Many of the posters have touched on common themes and experiences.
I have little advice other than to extend invitations to coffee, lunch and the like. Be prepared for failure along the way. You might even get to a point where things seem to be clicking and it doesn't work for whatever reason. Again more true the older one gets.
I think like others have said that people get more entrenched in their lives, tend to be more discriminating to the point of being judgmental and having made many life choices it's hard to find someone with which you have much in common. It starts in your 20s where women are finding mates and having children. Single women end up drifting apart from married friends and married women end up losing track of their friends as babies come along. It's just easier in a "school" setting where one is in a group of peers and has a full circle of people from which to choose.
It's hard finding a true friend regardless of age, everyone is busy, distracted, and anything that doesn't click instantly tends to get discarded.
I've always had a tough time making freinds and keeping them....but at this stage in life I'm content with solitude.
I currently have three 'freinds', but I tend to be the one making the effort in keeping the contact going. It's starting to be a "why put the effort into it" thing with me, and after New Years I am going to drop them...or, really, drop my attempts to keep in touch.
Not really interested in new friends...or even aquaintences...anymore.
Think about what friends are, what friendship actually means. You have to be there for someone, you have to care about what's going on in their lives, you have to want to be a shoulder to cry on. You may have to stay up with them during a hard night, bring soup to them if they're sick, maybe offer to help them with an errand when they need help. You have to want to hear how bad their day was, or how good it was.
To move from "how's your day", you have to move into the more specific questions. "Do you have a job", "what do you like about your job", "how was your day at work", "how is that problem with your co-worker or boss going". "You said your mother is sick? Is there anything I can do to help, any errands I can run for you or for her?"
I really don't like this saying because it doesn't guarantee your going to have a good friend who's going give you the same effort. Or even a friend at all. And who wants an unequal friendship?
Last edited by Ro2113; 10-26-2012 at 12:01 PM..
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