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It depends on the context. Sometimes the person who's saying this really means well, and sometimes the person is being insensitive.
I can see why someone would say this to someone who does absolutely nothing but complain, but most of us aren't trying to win the gold medal for the 'poor me' Olympics. I think that we all have times in our lives where we're looking for a little compassion, and while we know that there are starving kids in Africa or some quadriplegic with an itchy nose, that solves neither our problems or theirs. Maybe acknowledging the person's situation and then the count your blessings talk would work a lot better?
In a way, they're trying to be helpful, but the message they convey is not only invalidating, they don't realize it's actually kinda cruel to compare yourself to someone who has it worse. Is that to say that you're better and they're not?
I admit, sometimes I think things could be worse or my situation could be worse. When I do compare my life with someone who doesn't have the privileges I do, I think I'm such an ******* for making a comparison like that. Underneath it's true. At the same time, makes me feel guilty and sad to see how others have it worse. Just adds to my feeling blue even more!
Well I guess I need to apologize to my friend. He's 66 and just lost his 87 year old mom. 87. Man. How lucky was he? Trying to make him feel a little better I reminded him that my mom died at 47.. when I was 20. 20. I barely got to know my mom as adult. He went on vacations with his mom, drank with his mom, played cards, got to hear all those stories about him as a child and about his mom's upbringing.... got to know her as an adult. I was jealous.
So yea, I tried to cheer him up by reminding him how LUCKY he was to have had her for so long.
Now you guys tell me it was wrong to do that?
OK. I'll stop.
Disclaimer....if it's an on going drama that should have been gotten over by now or a different drama everyday...my opinion doesn't count.
Reminding them (telling them really) how much better off they are then someone else really does no good.
It's actually telling them that their feelings don't matter. My parents have done this to me my entire life.
5 years old...Sally won't play with me...Mom:suck it up, people in Africa are starving
16 years old....my boyfriend breaks up with me...Mom:suck it up, people in Africa are starving
21 years old...I need surgery that could leave me barren: Mom:suck it up, people in Africa are starving.
25 years old...I have cancer...Mom:suck it up, people in Africa are starving.
28 years old...I don't know if I want to get married..Mom:suck it up, people in Africa are starving
49 years old...Husband has cancer.....silence....why should I bother?
45 years old...I become a grandma...Mom want's to know why I didn't say anything.
50 years old...DH cancer free....Mom want's to know why I didn't say anything.
During the cancer treatments, I actually took a day off to catch up on my sleep. She called during that day and asked why I wasn't at work. I told her I needed a day to rest...she then proceeded to tell me how much worse her neighbor had it and SHE didn't take a day off to "rest". Yeah well, she didn't have to work full time, go home to take her husband to radiation and chemo, sit up all night while he got sick and to administer his meds. In the mean time I had to make sure the meals were cooked, pets fed and house relatively picked up. Yeah....someone else has it worse. That day I couldn't care less. I didn't reply, I hung up on her.
So in 50 years I've really only tried to vent 6 time because I learned that my feeling don't matter, I'm not allowed to have bad days and I need to suck it up because people in Africe are starving.
The best thing you can say to a person is..."I'm sorry your going thru this right now." "Is there anything I can do to make it better?"
Sometimes people just need to vent.
Last edited by Granny Sue; 10-25-2012 at 09:39 AM..
Well I guess I need to apologize to my friend. He's 66 and just lost his 87 year old mom. 87. Man. How lucky was he? Trying to make him feel a little better I reminded him that my mom died at 47.. when I was 20. 20. I barely got to know my mom as adult. He went on vacations with his mom, drank with his mom, played cards, got to hear all those stories about him as a child and about his mom's upbringing.... got to know her as an adult. I was jealous.
So yea, I tried to cheer him up by reminding him how LUCKY he was to have had her for so long.
Now you guys tell me it was wrong to do that?
OK. I'll stop.
It's one thing to say, "I lost my mom too, so let me know if you want to talk about it" as a way of establishing empathy. It's another thing to try to minimize his current grief about his mother by saying he had her longer than you had hers. I know it wasn't your intention and you're going to apologize for it, but it does come across to him as 1) you're dismissing his grief 2) you're making his grief about you by saying yours was worse when the focus should be on him as a freshly bereaved son.
Btw, don't dismiss your own feelings either. Dealing with friends who experience similar losses can remind us of our own losses and bring up feelings about the unfairness of it all, particularly when death was untimely like your mom's. My dad died when he was in his 40s, so I've had similar feelings of jealousy/thinking the other person was lucky. It's ok to think "how lucky was he" to yourself and express it to people you're close to. Just not the newly bereaved friend. If right after your mom's death someone had told you their mom died in her 20s, so you were lucky to have your mom until her 40s, how would that have made you feel?
Some people automatically default to that advice because they have nothing else to offer. Maybe they mean well, but it really isn't helping you, unless you can gain some sort of perspective from it and then actually put it into practice.
They may also be dismissing your problems, they may not think your problems are all that serious and rather than offer something constructive they blow you off with "starving children in Africa" or "a guy with no arms and legs".
I will say from my own personal observations, most people would not want to trade problems with the person next to them at any given moment.
Well I guess I need to apologize to my friend. He's 66 and just lost his 87 year old mom. 87. Man. How lucky was he? Trying to make him feel a little better I reminded him that my mom died at 47.. when I was 20. 20. I barely got to know my mom as adult. He went on vacations with his mom, drank with his mom, played cards, got to hear all those stories about him as a child and about his mom's upbringing.... got to know her as an adult. I was jealous.
So yea, I tried to cheer him up by reminding him how LUCKY he was to have had her for so long.
Now you guys tell me it was wrong to do that?
OK. I'll stop.
I think this is different. Losing a loved one is outside of normal everyday problems, and of course that person SHOULD be allowed to grieve and feel sadness. I would never tell someone who lost a loved one "hey at least you're not a starving kid in Africa." Geez.
I think this is different. Losing a loved one is outside of normal everyday problems, and of course that person SHOULD be allowed to grieve and feel sadness. I would never tell someone who lost a loved one "hey at least you're not a starving kid in Africa." Geez.
Disclaimer....if it's an on going drama that should have been gotten over by now or a different drama everyday...my opinion doesn't count.
Reminding them (telling them really) how much better off they are then someone else really does no good.
It's actually telling them that their feelings don't matter. My parents have done this to me my entire life.
5 years old...Sally won't play with me...Mom:suck it up, people in Africa are starving
16 years old....my boyfriend breaks up with me...Mom:suck it up, people in Africa are starving
21 years old...I need surgery that could leave me barren: Mom:suck it up, people in Africa are starving.
25 years old...I have cancer...Mom:suck it up, people in Africa are starving.
28 years old...I don't know if I want to get married..Mom:suck it up, people in Africa are starving
49 years old...Husband has cancer.....silence....why should I bother?
45 years old...I become a grandma...Mom want's to know why I didn't say anything.
50 years old...DH cancer free....Mom want's to know why I didn't say anything.
During the cancer treatments, I actually took a day off to catch up on my sleep. She called during that day and asked why I wasn't at work. I told her I needed a day to rest...she then proceeded to tell me how much worse her neighbor had it and SHE didn't take a day off to "rest". Yeah well, she didn't have to work full time, go home to take her husband to radiation and chemo, sit up all night while he got sick and to administer his meds. In the mean time I had to make sure the meals were cooked, pets fed and house relatively picked up. Yeah....someone else has it worse. That day I couldn't care less. I didn't reply, I hung up on her.
So in 50 years I've really only tried to vent 6 time because I learned that my feeling don't matter, I'm not allowed to have bad days and I need to suck it up because people in Africe are starving.
The best thing you can say to a person is..."I'm sorry your going thru this right now." "Is there anything I can do to make it better?"
Sometimes people just need to vent.
Exactly!
Slightly OT, I wonder how many of the "suck it up" people think that going to counseling is stupid because you're just paying someone to listen to your problems. No, first, the counselor is going to actually LISTEN to you, and second, they'll give you the tools to help you with your problems.
What's even more uncomfortable than the "starving children in Africa" comment is when the person says "You think you've got it bad?" and then rattles off a list of complaints. Now, while I don't mind listening to other people because it does distract me from my own problems, it makes me feel as though, if I REALLY needed to rely on someone for something, I'd be screwed.
Here's an example: A guy I knew would complain about his job all the time. Well, a friend of his lost his girlfriend suddenly (as in, she died - not a break up). When the friend was still upset about it a month later the guy told him he needed to get over it. Yet, when the guy had an acquaintance that was diagnosed with cancer, then he expected everyone to be sensitive. What an ass.
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