Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This is a difficult situation. We just found out that one of our long-time couple friends are divorcing. Although we live a short distance away, we don't see them that frequently anymore now that all of us have young kids with activities, etc...
The gist of it: Wife travels almost 50% of the time for work. Had a several month affair with a coworker and even spent days together while both were on the same trip. She got busted when affair partner's child tried to use Dad's phone and couldn't download an app, handed phone to Mom and Mom found text messages. My friend had very short notice to fess up to her husband before affair partner's wife alerted him.
Divorce has been in the works several months, but I just found out about it last weekend. Saw her for the first time last night, but couldn't talk details because her child was with her.
I want to be supportive and I am very concerned about her stability because she did not look good (and other mutual friends have reported the same). Others are concerned that she may be mixing anti-depressants with too much alcohol and are quite worried.
I abhor what she did. It triggers some things for me that I won't get into here in this post. However, she is a friend and she is in a really, really low place right now. I hope that I can put personal opinion aside and just be there for her. I also really like her soon to be ex-husband, as does my husband.
Has anyone successfully navigated the breakup of close friends, managed to see both of them after, and not felt as though you are betraying one by continuing to see the other?
Unfortunately, I think you will ultimately end up choosing ones side over the other. Not that you will have to get on the hate-train toward the other person, but it is almost always too difficult to remain friends with people on opposite sides of something that vile. The best thing you can offer right now is a sympathetic ear.
In situations like these, you need to remember there are 2 sides to every story. I'm not agreeing with what she did, or saying that it's her husband's fault or anything like that. But something inside her let this other person in, and she had a relationship with him because something is missing in her or her life. Please know that I do not agree with people having affairs while married however I've seen both sides of this story before and the reasons will amaze you. Some people don't feel like they deserve a good man/woman so they sabatoge it by having an affair. Some people are looking for excitement or friendship or whatever else is missing.
Ultimately judging her is not going to do any good. Without living in her house and knowing how her brain works, you'll never know why she did what she did and how she is dealing with the aftermath of it all. She has lost her husband? Maybe her kids? Family is probably upset with her? Work? She's probably dealing with a lot.
Try to have some compassion for her and what she is going through. Like you would if she was sick with some disease b/c in a way, she is - it's just not clear what it's called.
As for chosing which friend to stay with, that will work itself out with time. For now, try not to judge, call your friend and let her know you're there for her if she needs to talk. Sounds like she is beating herself up right now. When she needs people the most, she's pushed them away and I would think she feel ashamed/sorry/regretful?
Best wishes
Last edited by luckygirl15; 10-26-2012 at 08:58 PM..
Thanks for the thoughts. I'm having dinner with her next week and am going to just listen; no judgment. You're right; I can't possibly know what was going on in their marriage.
I also think I'm going to bring up the awkward subject of my husband and I wanting to keep relationships with both her and her ex. Don't want to feel like I'm sneaking around if we invite her ex and kids over for dinner, for example. I think it's best to just bring it into the open. I'd be really surprised if she had any objection.
This is a difficult situation. We just found out that one of our long-time couple friends are divorcing. Although we live a short distance away, we don't see them that frequently anymore now that all of us have young kids with activities, etc...
The gist of it: Wife travels almost 50% of the time for work. Had a several month affair with a coworker and even spent days together while both were on the same trip. She got busted when affair partner's child tried to use Dad's phone and couldn't download an app, handed phone to Mom and Mom found text messages. My friend had very short notice to fess up to her husband before affair partner's wife alerted him.
Divorce has been in the works several months, but I just found out about it last weekend. Saw her for the first time last night, but couldn't talk details because her child was with her.
I want to be supportive and I am very concerned about her stability because she did not look good (and other mutual friends have reported the same). Others are concerned that she may be mixing anti-depressants with too much alcohol and are quite worried.
I abhor what she did. It triggers some things for me that I won't get into here in this post. However, she is a friend and she is in a really, really low place right now. I hope that I can put personal opinion aside and just be there for her. I also really like her soon to be ex-husband, as does my husband.
Has anyone successfully navigated the breakup of close friends, managed to see both of them after, and not felt as though you are betraying one by continuing to see the other?
It's very hard to do. To be perfectly honest, you'll end up having to prefer the company of one over the other. Hate to tell you that, but it's just the reality of things.
Here's the only thing you can do under the circumstances. Invite her to lunch or coffee. Don't pry. Just be her friend. If she decides to discuss matters, listen.
my only advice is this---you and your husband should avoid any negative remarks about the husband/wife to the husband or wife. Should they work things out they will remember what was said.
Directed towards the OP..
It is okay to be on the fence about it.
It is okay to struggle personally regarding your ethics and core values…
However being that the couple are both friends of you and yours?
It is going to be tough but you do not have to be dragged in to their mess in order for you to talk to your friend.
It is okay to listen to her and still believe what she did was wrong.
It is okay to state to her that what she did was wrong.
If you are a real friend you could tell her, “I am sorry you are going through this, I am not going to pretend I know what your marriage was like although I think there were other ways of handling it” “However I am here to hear you out if this is what you need”
And be real because as others stated there are 2 sides to every story although cheating is never the answer.
Be true to you and to her and be empathetic since she is literally going through the natural consequences of her actions.
Best of luck.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
