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Old 11-05-2012, 06:53 PM
 
Location: zone 5
7,330 posts, read 13,243,787 times
Reputation: 9611

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Quote:
Originally Posted by RomaniGypsy View Post
My wife gets abused by her parents but it's nowhere near as overt as what you suggest. They're plenty willing and able to abuse me too, because they've done it before. I have yet to call them out on being abusive, but I have taken my stand somewhat silently by refusing to be around them.

Recently I've come to realize that she has been abused for her entire life, emotionally, and in a very covert fashion... so covert that she didn't even recognize it until I shoved it in her face multiple times. Only thing now is... when we go up for Christmas... do I let her see them, knowing full well that they will continue to abuse her and badmouth me to her... or do I say no freaking way, for her own ultimate good even though she and they would complain in the immediate aftermath?

Decisions, decisions...
"Let her"? She's an adult, correct? You can state your opinion about it, but trying to control the actions of a grown woman (or man) is as abusive in its way as emotional abuse. What your wife needs is the confidence to stand up for herself,and that doesn't come from allowing anyone to tell her what she may or may not do.
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Old 11-05-2012, 06:56 PM
 
2,008 posts, read 2,194,190 times
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One of the proudest times in my life was watching my dad stand up for my mom with her abusive siblings. My dad wasn't perfect, but at that moment he was my hero, even if I didn't realize it until years later. Stick up for yourself and stick up for those you love. And another thing- family is way over-rated
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Old 11-05-2012, 07:40 PM
 
2,840 posts, read 4,161,805 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
You only get one life and it's too short to spend your time off with people who aren't nice to you, sleeping on the floor, no less. Sounds like you and your wife both need to develop stiffer backbones and learn to say "no." I get that your wife wants to spend time with them, but it's your holiday too. I'd tell her flat out that you don't want to go, but if you do go you're staying in a motel and leaving the minute people start to get ugly. If that's simply not feasible, I'd encourage her to lay down some ground rules with the family (i.e. the first mean thing anybody says, we're outta here) and stick to it.


It is definitely time for you to 'Man Up'. I agree with the above. Stay at a hotel - too bad if her family doesn't like it. If her family starts to pick on your wife - stand up for her. You can do it in a nice way. If they continue - LEAVE.

You need to get a handle on this now.
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Old 11-05-2012, 07:41 PM
 
Location: Out West
22,760 posts, read 16,836,071 times
Reputation: 26303
OP, why don't you bring the video camera with you.

This way you can record it all and let her watch it at a later time. Let her see herself in this video, let her see them talking to her in the way they do, let her see it from a different angle. Let her see what it looks like to someone else looking in.

Maybe THEN she'll see just how badly they treat her and maybe THEN she'll wake up and finally be able to tell them, "NO!"
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Old 11-05-2012, 07:57 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
5,176 posts, read 8,699,926 times
Reputation: 6199
Smile Not a guy but what I would do....

Quote:
Originally Posted by snooper View Post
Thanksgiving is coming in three weeks and I am dreading it. We have to make the long drive to my wife's family and spend the long weekend there. It will be terrible if history is any indicator.

My wife's parents are cold and cruel to her and her sisters pick on her. My wife is too unsure of herself to fight back and just takes it. Her lack of confidence is one of the reasons she is picked on, she has a sign on her that says HIT ME!

I have discussed it with my wife and she is angry about how her parents and sisters treat her but says she is intimidated by them and is afraid to stand up for herself. I just go nuts sitting there watching her be abused and don't want to go to her family but we still go.

If you were in my shoes would you give her parents and sisters a piece of your mind or just sit and watch the abuse happen?
As soon as the abuse starts, I would stand up and defend her. Say "I have watched this happen before and agreed with her wishes not to say anything but I can't do that anymore. She loves all of you but doesn't want to hurt your feelings but I cannot watch this anymore - I will not tolerate it and if it continues, we will leave - then do it.

(I bet they're jealous of her b/c she has you)
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Old 11-05-2012, 08:13 PM
 
23 posts, read 38,788 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snooper View Post
For some reason my wife feels that it is obligation as a daughter and a sister to attend at least a few family events because THEY ARE FAMILY for better or worse. She does not seem to be bothered by the abuse as much as I am because she grew up with it and is numb how bad everyone treats each other. She wants me to come and if I didn't go with her it would be extra tough for her to take the abuse.

It's me that just hates seeing her be treated that way and I have come close many times to exploding and telling them off. So, no making up some type of passive aggressive blue flu or busy excuse is not going to happen and we are going.
Once you and your wife married, a new family was created: you, your mate, (perhaps) down the road - children. It's time to decide what kind of traditions you wish to create for your family. Her parents will get old and die, leaving you likely middle-aged and without a foundation of traditions to carry you the rest of your life. Unless you have kids and expect them and their families to come to your house. Which ...uhh ... would almost be like history repeating itself.

And has your wife considered how your holidays are spoiled being a witness to this crappy behavior and the conditions under which you mark the holiday? In some respects, she is being incredibly selfish in saying that your Thanksgiving has to be given over to those wretched people and being witness to the abuse she silently endures.
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Old 11-05-2012, 08:27 PM
 
Location: East of the Mississippi and South of Bluegrass
4,454 posts, read 3,758,057 times
Reputation: 9612
Default Personally...

Quote:
Originally Posted by snooper View Post
Thanksgiving is coming in three weeks and I am dreading it. We have to make the long drive to my wife's family and spend the long weekend there. It will be terrible if history is any indicator.

My wife's parents are cold and cruel to her and her sisters pick on her. My wife is too unsure of herself to fight back and just takes it. Her lack of confidence is one of the reasons she is picked on, she has a sign on her that says HIT ME!

I have discussed it with my wife and she is angry about how her parents and sisters treat her but says she is intimidated by them and is afraid to stand up for herself. I just go nuts sitting there watching her be abused and don't want to go to her family but we still go.

If you were in my shoes would you give her parents and sisters a piece of your mind or just sit and watch the abuse happen?
I would definitely go, this one last time anyway; however, I don't know that you should commit yourselves and spend the long weekend there. As a matter of fact I would get a very nice hotel room for the long weekend so when the doo-doo hits the fan, you'll have someplace really nice to take your wife and show her how much you love her.

I say this because I would go just to get this off my chest when they started in on her and I would do it at the first sign of bullying or abuse. I would be cool, calm, and collected and let each member of the family know that from this day forward your wife is no longer available to be used as their doormat. Just tell them in no uncertain terms your wife is no longer available for their disrespectable treatment.


Whatever their family dynamics are or aren't there is absolutely no justification whatsoever in their being allowed to treat a grown daughter in this manner. And I would stand by my decision and make sure that your wife does as well...let her know what's coming down the pike.

The trick will be in your presentation...not loud, no foul language, no accusations of any sort (despite your personal knowledge and opinions on the matter) and an opening statement that begins with...with all due respect. I use this opening frequently and I am very sincere when I do so.

Good luck whichever way you decide to handle this.

Best regards, sincerely

HomeIsWhere...
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Old 11-05-2012, 08:43 PM
 
12,540 posts, read 12,531,731 times
Reputation: 28901
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
For the OP: you're an adult and under no obligation to attend ANY holiday dinner with abusive or nutty in-laws. I never attended one single holiday meal with my in-laws because both were horrible people with abusive mouths. Why does anyone "endure" Thanksigiving with people they don't want to be around? I would rather eat dog biscuits alone that be around jerks, whether they're your family or not.

I just wouldn't attend a meal with Bozos I dislike or who create any drama. Thanksgiving is supposed to be a fun time with people you care about.

Pretty much.

I'll add that I don't think "rebutting" will do any good. These people are abusive aholes. There are only two ways of dealing with such cretins: Putting them in their place in no uncertain terms or avoiding them entirely.
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Old 11-05-2012, 08:50 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,862,561 times
Reputation: 8956
Why does she want to go? Is she a masochist?

You should at least skip this year and see if that helps their relationships any.

I think you should stick up for her and tell them to stop treating your wife disrespectfully. You can say it politely, but firmly. You don't have to create drama. Just make clear, precicse statements.

But it really would be best if you did not go.

Go to Hawaii instead.
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Old 11-05-2012, 08:51 PM
 
793 posts, read 1,288,754 times
Reputation: 1144
OMG, that could be my family and how they treat me. All I can say is that she is lucky to have someone like you by her side.

Just support her and tell her she is worthy of being treated with respect. Maybe after a while it will sink in and she will start to believe it. Then, when they say something to her, she will start to stand up for herself. It will be hard but it can be done. The only thing is, that it will change the whole dynamic of the family and that's going to be a mess.
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