Would you try to keep a relationship going with a disinterested parent? (father, guilty)

[JustSomeGuy73]

OK, so a couple of months ago, my mother must have finally reached her breaking point with my father. I told her I'm either moving out west by myself, or we're moving to the Niagara area as a family, like my parents had agreed to do, but kept changing their minds on for the last two years. Turns out, it was my father, not my mother, who kept changing his mind about moving. In fact, I think he made it hard on us in hopes that my mother and I would leave on our own. And we did. Mom is 80. Dad is 87 (and his mind is not quite all there anymore) and I'm almost 40 and an only child, no attachments or relationships. I've always been closer to my mother, and my father knows it, no matter how much I tried to be social and nice to him over the years. I just could not make it genuine, never have been able to pull it off actually. So, my mother and I moved almost 3 hours away. Dad is alone, in a snowbelt city (which I truly believe he enjoys) and we suspect he's not quite all with it mentally anymore. We try to keep in contact with him by calling a few times a week, but he rarely calls us. We all have free long distance, so no excuses. We've called him many times, but he's only called once, and only because the roof required an emergency repair and he wanted my mother to pay for half of it. And he didn't even ask about me - but he did ask how the dog was doing. He misses my dog more than me or my mother. I'm serious.

And when I called him a few days ago to see how he was doing, in typical martyr syndrome fashion, and in an overly dramatic way, said he was not well because he tripped and fell over all of my garbage I left in the garage, and supposedly hitting his head on the concrete floor, and that if I didn't come and get it he would put it outside in the rain (this, as Hurricane Sandy was approaching, very nice, thanks dad)! Truth be known 95% of the "garbage" in the garage is his. There were 3 boxes, my summer tires, rear bench seat from my van and my lawnmower, plus my mother's summer tires in the garage. And I moved them neatly to the side and it's only been there for about two weeks - and I will take it all with me next time I come over with my minivan - it just didn't fit last time I was there. He's got a 2800 square foot house to himself (4000 square feet if you include the basement), and he wants to put those few things of mine outside. And my mother, myself, and all of my possessions are in a 900 square foot apartment. You know what... this is going to sound awful, but I didn't even feel bad for him or act concerned. I replied the way he would reply to me "well, you should watch where you're walking, or turn on the light, or use the front door instead of the back door in the garage." I guess he was hoping to lay a guilt trip on me, but it didn't work.

I'm at the point where I don't even feel like calling him anymore because he's so negative and sometimes just doesn't make sense, or states his opinion as fact (whether it's asked for or not, or even accurate or makes sense). My mother kind of feels the same way and is getting to the point where she doesn't even want to bother calling him anymore, though she's still making an occasional effort. I always believe in forgiving and forgetting. But this time, I'm ready to forgive him for irritating me, and just forgetting about him! I hate breaking off relationships, especially with a parent. Usually, when I sense a relationship with a friend or acquaintance is not going anywhere, or we're just not "on the same page" or we drift apart, I let us drift apart, and if we had a fight, i like to patch things up so we don't leave having last spoken angry words. But with my father, this just isn't working. Do I just stop calling him on the phone? For the last few months, I admit I've been cold towards him and avoided conversation with him before moving. At his age, who knows how long he'll still be around for. I'd feel awful if he passed away while we were being so cold to each other. But I can't seem to patch things up. Do I make the superficial phone call every few days and try to keep the conversation going for 10 minutes and then end the call? Or should I just stop calling him and see if he calls me or my mother? I kind of feel bad "forgetting about" a poor old elderly man, but then I think about the rest of the situation, and I feel justified in being so, but in a childish kind of way. I don't suppose anyone else has been in a similar situation? Thank you in advance for your input!

[jazzcat22]

Another only child here, but I didn't have a difficult parent like you do! Personally, I think I would try to preserve my mental health and limit contact with him. You might feel too guilty if you cut off contact completely with him. Instead of every few days, could you manage calling him once a month and have your mom call once a month?

I understand it's hurtful that he isn't more interested in you, but the bright side is that at least he isn't needy, calling you all the time and wanting you to see him.

Certainly someone his age isn't going to change---so just decide how much involvement you want.

What about hiring a geriatric case manager to look in on him? Many people do this when their relative lives out of town. This way, he is not being totally abandoned, but is being looked after by a professional (such as a social worker) who can determine if he is capable of living on his own.

[JustSomeGuy73]

Good idea to call him, just not as often. Maybe once a month would be better - preserve my mental sanity a bit longer, yet I won't feel too guilty about totally cutting off contact. As difficult as he is, I would feel bad cutting off contact all together. I don't know if my father would care. Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't. My mother doesn't really look forward to speaking with him either, so maybe we could both be available when I make the call - I can talk to my dad for a a few minutes, then she can talk to him for a few minutes. Sounds like a good compromise. You're right - at his age, he's not going to change. Or maybe he is... seems as time goes on, he seems to be more and more like this. But he's definitely not getting any more social and friendly!

And yeah, glad he's not needy and calling me all the time or wanting to see my all time. That would be worse, for sure!

I don't think a geriatric case worker would help... my father would likely refuse him/her and send her off. Or just not answer the door - either because he can't hear the doorbell, or just doesn't feel like seeing who's at the door. I think my father would be extremely offended if I got someone to check in on him. He'd say something like "what, do you think I'm so old an incompetent already?" He'll flip out and think I'm trying to get him to die sooner, or he'll think I believe he's about to die. I know my father, and it would not go over well. However, the neighbors have offered to exchange phone numbers so they could call me if needed. They wouldn't go in to the house on a regular basis to check on him, but would probably see him outside from time to time, see him turn the lights on or off in the house, notice if he doesn't put the garbage out on garbage day, etc. He's still capable of living on his own, but not in a big house that has several flights of stairs, lots of exterior yard work, snow clearing in winter, etc. He'd be better off in an apartment or condo, and he's even hinted that he would live in an apartment or condo. That might suit him for the rest of his time on this earth, unless he deteriorates and needs more help. Of course, he'll never admit he needs help unless he can't move. Even then, he's so stubborn he'd rather die of starvation I'm sure.