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Old 11-09-2012, 12:51 PM
 
Location: Planet Earth, USA
1,645 posts, read 1,786,094 times
Reputation: 3324

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Ever have a friend or close family member talk behind your back but smiles and pretends to be your best friend to your face? Did you confront them only for them to deny it and then continue to spread false gossip about you? Was it someone that you just cut off or was it someone who was in your inner circle that you couldn't get rid of so easily?

How did you deal with it? What ended up happening?
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Old 11-09-2012, 02:02 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,141,087 times
Reputation: 22373
Yes, I have had this happen but here's the thing. You can't control what others say, nor can you control who is listening . . . or who chooses to pass it on . . . or who chooses to tell you about it.

You need to analyze the situation and all the folks involved. After all, people who recognize gossip don't engage in it . . . and would do the reprimanding on their on, without telling you about it.

Took me a while to figure this out. If someone wants to run you down . . . they are going to do it and most likely deny it. People who listen to it are as much the problem as those who are spreading the BS.

Anyone who cares about you would confront the gossiper themselves . . . or they would come directly to you . . . or they would simply dismiss it. You will never be able to control some folks and you will never be able to figure out what their motives are. On the other hand, give some thought to who let you in on the gossip being circulated . . . they may not be giving you the accurate scoop or they may be trying to cover themselves when they were actually the ones to say what was said and then try to make someone else look bad.

THat is why it is best to weigh carefully who you are blaming for what . . . and to simply ask the person who supposedly is passing around rumors WHY they said what they said - and if they deny it - bear in mind - they may be telling the truth. Someone may be trying to put a wedge in your relationship with that person.

It took me many years to figure out a very complicated situation in my family, between close relatives. Just remember: most things start with a "grain of truth" so ask yourself . . . do you really know who is stirring the pot? It may NOT be the person you think. Someone could be passing on what they heard from a party that you never have even suspected . . . and the person getting blamed for "making things up" may truly not be involved.

If you are certain this person has a big mouth, consider this: if no one has any info about you to pass on (and exaggerate) . . . then the only thing they can pass on is lies. So do not confide in anyone even remotely close to the situation and see what happens. You may be very surprised that the person creating the controversy is actually someone you trust . . . and the problem is starting with them . . . not the "obvious" person.

Many of us have found that it is best not to give any information to any family members except the most innocuous things. That includes mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts. I have seen it happen more often than not: the problem is actually starting with remarks made or insinuated or bits of inaccurate info passed on from people you think you can trust.

Therefore, I suggest you play your cards very close to your chest for a while . . . and don't assume you need to cut anyone out of your life until you have had some time to figure out who is really at the crux of the gossip.

Likewise, some folks are just vicious jerks and if that is the type of person you are dealing with - just avoid them as much as possible and don't waste your time trying to "un-do" or "confront" what ugliness is being said. The people who know you know it isn't true and who really cares about the others? People who gossip do it for entertainment purposes . . . you will be forgotten the moment a new juicy rumor comes across the telephone!
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Old 11-09-2012, 02:19 PM
YAZ
 
Location: Phoenix,AZ
7,075 posts, read 11,839,019 times
Reputation: 6298
Around here, friends are family.

Sometimes, family aren't friends.

Embrace that idea.

This kinda crap happens.....even with loved ones.

Most of the time it's just miscommunication or no communication at all.

Could be a simple misunderstanding.

Always tell the truth.

And don't retaliate.
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Old 11-10-2012, 08:55 AM
 
Location: Back at home in western Washington!
1,490 posts, read 3,943,680 times
Reputation: 3226
I distanced myself from the hurtful person. I refused to discuss other people with her and refused to discuss her with other people. I was cordial at gatherings, but was never alone with this person (that way there could be no "well, she said" type of thing). All our brief conversations were around other people. Eventually, the other people around her became her targets and the realization came that she isn't a nice person.

These are all my husband's siblings btw... they aren't happy unless they are stabbing each other in the back.
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Old 11-10-2012, 09:06 AM
 
3,592 posts, read 4,726,770 times
Reputation: 4736
Quote:
Originally Posted by behindthescreen View Post
Ever have a friend or close family member talk behind your back but smiles and pretends to be your best friend to your face? Did you confront them only for them to deny it and then continue to spread false gossip about you? Was it someone that you just cut off or was it someone who was in your inner circle that you couldn't get rid of so easily?

How did you deal with it? What ended up happening?
Pretty much my immediate and extended family is like this...I wish I had a magic wand or potion to make it go away, but when you encounter this type in life, you are dealing with profound insecurity and an almost rabid need for attention and acceptance. I haven't found the perfect solution. I have just gotten VERY careful with who I talk to and confide in...and ones who have PROVEN and demonstrated they are snakes...tread very carefully when you're around them, and avoid them as much as you can. I really can empathize and I've been similarly devastated at the various betrayals. Blessings.
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Old 11-10-2012, 04:07 PM
 
146 posts, read 263,889 times
Reputation: 183
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Yes, I have had this happen but here's the thing. You can't control what others say, nor can you control who is listening . . . or who chooses to pass it on . . . or who chooses to tell you about it.

You need to analyze the situation and all the folks involved. After all, people who recognize gossip don't engage in it . . . and would do the reprimanding on their on, without telling you about it.

Took me a while to figure this out. If someone wants to run you down . . . they are going to do it and most likely deny it. People who listen to it are as much the problem as those who are spreading the BS.

Anyone who cares about you would confront the gossiper themselves . . . or they would come directly to you . . . or they would simply dismiss it. You will never be able to control some folks and you will never be able to figure out what their motives are. On the other hand, give some thought to who let you in on the gossip being circulated . . . they may not be giving you the accurate scoop or they may be trying to cover themselves when they were actually the ones to say what was said and then try to make someone else look bad.

THat is why it is best to weigh carefully who you are blaming for what . . . and to simply ask the person who supposedly is passing around rumors WHY they said what they said - and if they deny it - bear in mind - they may be telling the truth. Someone may be trying to put a wedge in your relationship with that person.

It took me many years to figure out a very complicated situation in my family, between close relatives. Just remember: most things start with a "grain of truth" so ask yourself . . . do you really know who is stirring the pot? It may NOT be the person you think. Someone could be passing on what they heard from a party that you never have even suspected . . . and the person getting blamed for "making things up" may truly not be involved.

If you are certain this person has a big mouth, consider this: if no one has any info about you to pass on (and exaggerate) . . . then the only thing they can pass on is lies. So do not confide in anyone even remotely close to the situation and see what happens. You may be very surprised that the person creating the controversy is actually someone you trust . . . and the problem is starting with them . . . not the "obvious" person.

Many of us have found that it is best not to give any information to any family members except the most innocuous things. That includes mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts. I have seen it happen more often than not: the problem is actually starting with remarks made or insinuated or bits of inaccurate info passed on from people you think you can trust.

Therefore, I suggest you play your cards very close to your chest for a while . . . and don't assume you need to cut anyone out of your life until you have had some time to figure out who is really at the crux of the gossip.

Likewise, some folks are just vicious jerks and if that is the type of person you are dealing with - just avoid them as much as possible and don't waste your time trying to "un-do" or "confront" what ugliness is being said. The people who know you know it isn't true and who really cares about the others? People who gossip do it for entertainment purposes . . . you will be forgotten the moment a new juicy rumor comes across the telephone!


Very good advice !!!

But what do you do when it's your neighbors doing it?
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Old 11-11-2012, 06:03 PM
 
809 posts, read 1,921,099 times
Reputation: 1497
I learned much too late in life, unless it's life threatening to me or another, what someone else says about me is not my business. And, many times, the person who is telling me I'm being gossiped about is worse then the person doing the gossiping. In other words, the person who comes to me and tells me I'm being talked about, is gossiping about gossiping.


Just some food for thought.
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Old 11-11-2012, 07:46 PM
 
196 posts, read 177,184 times
Reputation: 58
Aw, crap, you mean to tell me "The Hills" is real?
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Old 11-12-2012, 01:01 PM
 
12,887 posts, read 15,418,335 times
Reputation: 14847
Quote:
Originally Posted by second right View Post
I learned much too late in life, unless it's life threatening to me or another, what someone else says about me is not my business. And, many times, the person who is telling me I'm being gossiped about is worse then the person doing the gossiping. In other words, the person who comes to me and tells me I'm being talked about, is gossiping about gossiping.


Just some food for thought.
I agree second right, it's absolutely not worth putting any thought towards....personally I don't care what anyone says about me behind my back, my friends know me, any others that would judge my character negatively based on what another has said is someone I don't want/need for a friend anyways.
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Old 11-14-2012, 10:40 AM
 
Location: Colorado
4,308 posts, read 11,800,334 times
Reputation: 4425
Quote:
Originally Posted by justnice View Post
Very good advice !!!

But what do you do when it's your neighbors doing it?
Or your own mother?
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