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Old 11-21-2012, 12:57 PM
 
398 posts, read 458,026 times
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I'm kind of surprised this thread has gone on as long as it has. For me it seemed to be a pretty obvious, open-and-shut case. The fact is that the natural consequences of acting-out are that people make decisions NOT to be around you. Its pretty-much just that simple. Being a family member, a spouse, a best friend or what have you really doesn't cut any mustard---at least not with me. My usual rejoinder to the person acting like an A$$ is along the lines of "...hey...whatever winds your clock! You can act anyway you want to........you just can't act like that around me, thats all."

And yes....I HAVE gotten the spiel about how I should be understanding and patient with people who are...er... "special". And maybe if I am feeling particularly benevolent maybe I will....or not. But---if I DO decide to endure a load of crap from someone then I give-up the right to whine or complain. It was my choice, right?

FWIW.
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Old 11-21-2012, 01:14 PM
 
420 posts, read 396,271 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
Make a life separate from these people. Uninvite Freda - TO HER FACE. Don't make your brother uninvite her, you do it yourself. Call her up and tell her that apparently there's been some sort of miscommunication. You did not invite her, or her guests, to your house. Your invitation was only to your brother and sister in law. PERIOD.

What have you got to lose, after all? It's not like she's your friend. And if it's your SIL you're worried about, well she's rude to invite someone else to YOUR house anyway. So what if you make her mad? Tell her that.

Grow a backbone!
Grow a backbone? Haha, ya think calling hadn't occurred to me? You need to give me a bit of credit!

They live about an hour & a half away from me, so telling Freda to her face is pretty much a hardship for me. Secondly, I don't have her phone number. However, yes, I did call SIL on her cell phone (she didn't answer), but I did leave a voicemail message. I told her that to be angry at my brother was ridiculous and counter-productive. I told her it was my home and I was the one who made decisions as to whom to invite, etc. I told her that she and my brother were more than welcome to come to dinner. I invited her to call ME and dump on me if she had other issues and to lay off bro. She has yet to call me back.
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Old 11-21-2012, 01:36 PM
 
6,475 posts, read 9,886,906 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chicagurl View Post
Grow a backbone? Haha, ya think calling hadn't occurred to me? You need to give me a bit of credit!

They live about an hour & a half away from me, so telling Freda to her face is pretty much a hardship for me. Secondly, I don't have her phone number. However, yes, I did call SIL on her cell phone (she didn't answer), but I did leave a voicemail message. I told her that to be angry at my brother was ridiculous and counter-productive. I told her it was my home and I was the one who made decisions as to whom to invite, etc. I told her that she and my brother were more than welcome to come to dinner. I invited her to call ME and dump on me if she had other issues and to lay off bro. She has yet to call me back.

BRAVO!!!!!!

Let us know if anything else happens!
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Old 11-21-2012, 01:42 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,868 posts, read 17,184,050 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chicagurl View Post
Grow a backbone? Haha, ya think calling hadn't occurred to me? You need to give me a bit of credit!

They live about an hour & a half away from me, so telling Freda to her face is pretty much a hardship for me. Secondly, I don't have her phone number. However, yes, I did call SIL on her cell phone (she didn't answer), but I did leave a voicemail message. I told her that to be angry at my brother was ridiculous and counter-productive. I told her it was my home and I was the one who made decisions as to whom to invite, etc. I told her that she and my brother were more than welcome to come to dinner. I invited her to call ME and dump on me if she had other issues and to lay off bro. She has yet to call me back.
Good for you.

I'm a little worried that Freda, her son & aunt may try to ride with Bro & SIL to your house. But just keep the door locked and remind the family members already inside the house not to let anyone inside. Since you are the host that is your job to greet guests and let them inside.

If all five of them ride in the same car and come together to the door DO NOT LET THEM INSIDE. I am not joking. It is just like dealing with a whining child, if you give in to their demands now they will pull even bigger stunts next year.

If you let Freda, her son & aunt inside than next year don't be surprised if the aunt's elderly (and obnoxious) neighbors all want to come to your house for Thanksgiving too, because they don't have a place to go (because their real families can't stand them and refuse to invite them). And the year after that it will be a whole bunch of Pitbulls & Parolees too, because they don't have a place to go.

Just be sure to check that every door is locked so that Freda, Son & Aunt don't sneak inside some other way.
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Old 11-21-2012, 02:24 PM
 
679 posts, read 1,047,363 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
If you let Freda, her son & aunt inside than next year don't be surprised if the aunt's elderly (and obnoxious) neighbors all want to come to your house for Thanksgiving too, because they don't have a place to go (because their real families can't stand them and refuse to invite them). And the year after that it will be a whole bunch of Pitbulls & Parolees too, because they don't have a place to go.
I can't stress this enough. The relative who hosts my family holidays is a sweet relative who's of the "no one should be alone" "there's always room for one more" schools of thought. We'll call her Mary. Now she's stuck with 2 of our more dysfunctional relatives (Mimi and another one named Vivi) showing up when they feel like for holidays. A couple of them have brought over people as dysfunctional as them. Which makes the holidays less enjoyable for everyone else.

Mimi wasn't even invited the first year. I made plans with Mary after being invited for Christmas. Mimi assumed we were having Christmas together, without checking with me. Mimi, decided on her own to spend Christmas with Vivi (screaming matches between Vivi and her kids/kid-in-law are not unusual at holiday and other gatherings). Mimi then asked them to drive her over to Mary's (without checking with either of the hosts in advance). They all catered to her and then she decided she liked Mary's celebrations more (they'd been pleasant, drama free celebrations up until then). Mimi shows up every holiday unless she has something else she'd rather do. But if Mary tries to do something different, Mimi pulls the manipulative guilt stuff. Mary even feels we have to hide it if we do something together and don't invite Mimi (Mimi is from a different branch of the family and not even really related to Mary). Mary has even kept visits from her own sons secret because she's worried Mimi will be upset about not being invited. I don't expect to be invited to those visits, I figure Mimi deserves some time with her sons without the rest of us around if they want it. There's no need for apologies or excuses.

When Mary wants to do something else she sighs and says, "but then Mimi will have nowhere to go". I've pointed out that Mimi is more than willing to make other plans for the holidays when it suits her (e.g. she wants to travel or go to a show or go to someone else's place) and she could make some of those alternate plans if Mary wants to do something else. But Mary still feels guilty. Oh well, not anything I can do about it.
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Old 11-21-2012, 02:41 PM
 
420 posts, read 396,271 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by exscapegoat View Post
I can't stress this enough. The relative who hosts my family holidays is a sweet relative who's of the "no one should be alone" "there's always room for one more" schools of thought. We'll call her Mary. Now she's stuck with 2 of our more dysfunctional relatives (Mimi and another one named Vivi) showing up when they feel like for holidays. A couple of them have brought over people as dysfunctional as them. Which makes the holidays less enjoyable for everyone else.

Mimi wasn't even invited the first year. I made plans with Mary after being invited for Christmas. Mimi assumed we were having Christmas together, without checking with me. Mimi, decided on her own to spend Christmas with Vivi (screaming matches between Vivi and her kids/kid-in-law are not unusual at holiday and other gatherings). Mimi then asked them to drive her over to Mary's (without checking with either of the hosts in advance). They all catered to her and then she decided she liked Mary's celebrations more (they'd been pleasant, drama free celebrations up until then). Mimi shows up every holiday unless she has something else she'd rather do. But if Mary tries to do something different, Mimi pulls the manipulative guilt stuff. Mary even feels we have to hide it if we do something together and don't invite Mimi (Mimi is from a different branch of the family and not even really related to Mary). Mary has even kept visits from her own sons secret because she's worried Mimi will be upset about not being invited. I don't expect to be invited to those visits, I figure Mimi deserves some time with her sons without the rest of us around if they want it. There's no need for apologies or excuses.

When Mary wants to do something else she sighs and says, "but then Mimi will have nowhere to go". I've pointed out that Mimi is more than willing to make other plans for the holidays when it suits her (e.g. she wants to travel or go to a show or go to someone else's place) and she could make some of those alternate plans if Mary wants to do something else. But Mary still feels guilty. Oh well, not anything I can do about it.
My condolences to your lovely Mary. What a sweet, kind, patient woman. I'll be nice until I'm done. Then --- I'm really done. They would not all come together. My brother won't do that. He might come alone, but he would never, ever put everyone in the car and come. He knows that if he does that, all heck would break loose. Besides, he literally and passionately and completely HATES Freda. He refuses to speak to her and has as little as possible to do with her. Normally when it's my turn to host (I had Christmas last year), he tells her if she's coming, to show up at their house at XX time and she can follow Bro & SIL in her own car. We (me, hubby, my parents and my children) have filled the void at family get-togethers in the past. Brother and his children, my niece and nephew & their spouses, keep away from her and only answer yes or no if they're absolutely pinned to respond. If SIL had any brains, she would have stopped this travesty years ago, but she's bound and determined to stick Freda in our lives. Her own family, of course, like I said, always gets a pass.
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Old 11-21-2012, 04:02 PM
 
6,027 posts, read 13,090,357 times
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You are the host. It's not up to you to fight your guests battles for them. You invite whomever you wish to attend. You invite whomever you think would be good company and bring good joy to the gathering. If certain guests whom you've invited choose not to attend because of whatever their personal reasons are, then that's their choice. And it'll be important, at that point, to let them know you still love them regardless, and understand and respect their choice.

If I were you, I'd simply invite everyone I wanted to invite. I wouldn't appreciate others trying to persuade me or bully me one way or another as to who I invited. I would simply invite who I wanted, and that would be that. You do not even have to explain your choice to anyone else. If they don't like it, they can choose not to attend. Hopefully, they will be mature enough to attend out of respect for you and your wishes, regardless of how they feel about the other guests who may or may not be attending.
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Old 11-21-2012, 06:05 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,868 posts, read 17,184,050 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chicagurl View Post
My condolences to your lovely Mary. What a sweet, kind, patient woman. I'll be nice until I'm done. Then --- I'm really done. They would not all come together. My brother won't do that. He might come alone, but he would never, ever put everyone in the car and come. He knows that if he does that, all heck would break loose. Besides, he literally and passionately and completely HATES Freda. He refuses to speak to her and has as little as possible to do with her. Normally when it's my turn to host (I had Christmas last year), he tells her if she's coming, to show up at their house at XX time and she can follow Bro & SIL in her own car. We (me, hubby, my parents and my children) have filled the void at family get-togethers in the past. Brother and his children, my niece and nephew & their spouses, keep away from her and only answer yes or no if they're absolutely pinned to respond. If SIL had any brains, she would have stopped this travesty years ago, but she's bound and determined to stick Freda in our lives. Her own family, of course, like I said, always gets a pass.
Great he can help bar any of the lower windows (and hide any of the outside ladders) so Freda, son & aunt can't sneak into your house that way.
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Old 11-22-2012, 08:27 PM
 
420 posts, read 396,271 times
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Survived! Bro and SIL came alone. SIL was deathly quiet, but still nice. They pretty much ate and boogied, but still . . . worked out okay. Considering the large amount of drama leading up to this, I am so not looking forward to Christmas at their house.
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Old 11-22-2012, 10:10 PM
 
6,475 posts, read 9,886,906 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chicagurl View Post
Survived! Bro and SIL came alone. SIL was deathly quiet, but still nice. They pretty much ate and boogied, but still . . . worked out okay. Considering the large amount of drama leading up to this, I am so not looking forward to Christmas at their house.
Well, glad it worked out, at least it was peaceful, though it may have been a little uncomfortable. You might want to make an alternate plan for Christmas... just in case SIL wants to "get even."
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