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Old 11-18-2012, 11:22 AM
 
Location: Missouri, USA
4,278 posts, read 2,950,885 times
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I'm curious about why people want long term romantic relationships, and whether or not it's something you learn to want after having experienced them. This is the key reason this thread is being written.

I'm a 27 year old heterosexual male who has never had a girlfriend, kissed a girl, or been on anything resembling a date. I've never had the urge to get into a long term relationship. Even during intense crushes I've never had the urge to be around the subjects of affection for extended lengths of time. An hour or two was usually sufficient. I've frequently desired to see such persons more often, but the idea of talking to one person regularly every day, or even every couple of days, sounds extremely unpleasant. A lifelong partner sounds exponentially more unpleasant. I've had many female friends and crushes who I've had pleasant experiences with, and most of them I've never seen again afterwards, and I can't remember one time I've seriously regretted not seeing them again.

I need people, and love being around people. I have excellent social skills. I also need an isolated cave, and love being in an isolated cave. Both are necessities. There must be some of each intermittently.

So, is desiring a lifelong relationship of any kind something you learn to want after having a long term relationship such as with a girlfriend? Is a long term relationship something men usually don't emotionally want (with anyone) until they meet the right person...in which case they seek it purely due an unemotional concern for their future, and wisdom that they will want it, in the case that they meet the right person?

Also, I have a hypothesis that during most males' youth, the sea turtle method works well. By sea turtle method, I mean attempting to initiate relationships with as many random women as possible during male youth, to learn more about the opposite sex at a time when most person's goal is primarily to learn more about humanity. I never did this...largely because I never wanted a long term relationship. If culture would have worked, during my youth, like it did several decades ago, at which time youth tended to have two phases of dating going steady and not going steady, I would have gladly not gone steady, but nowadays, everyone, regardless of age, seems to desire nothing but long term relationships.

I'm likely too old for sea turtle method, at 27, because of all the people looking for marriage and such, who want more than just random attention from some member of the opposite sex. However, I hypothesize that it would be wise to play the field, so to speak, like all of my male friends and relatives told me to do at 16, which I never did, in order to learn...

Therefore, does attempting to discover what it means to have a girlfriend...and why people want a monogamous girlfriend, via obtaining a guinea pig/experimental relationship, seem wise?

If the above seems wise, presumably, the best path would be to seek women still experimenting too. Therefore, how would men best seek out women who don't know what they want, or who don't care?

Most importantly, how would one best go about avoiding initiating such experimental relationships with women who do know what they want, or who want something more...and therefore avoiding the wrath endlessely spoken of in just about every song ever created with a female singer?

Thank you.
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Old 11-18-2012, 01:45 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
26,852 posts, read 5,756,602 times
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Experimental relationships? Hypotheses?

Hmm...it is really not that difficult. If you don't want a long term relationship, fine! If you do, date a person you really like, then go for it. Not sure? Then wait it out. These days are different than any that have come before...We don't need to label our relationships as such, don't need to follow along with what others do or think...or worry if we have ideas/needs that are different than others or that manifest themselves at times outside of "societal rules".

Now: crushes but no girlfriends, no kissing etc....assume that means no sex? At age 27?
You have no sexual desires for women? Or are you perhaps gay? Or no sexual desire at all?

Do YOU feel you have a problem of some kind? Just wondering...
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Old 11-18-2012, 01:46 PM
 
Location: North Fulton
1,039 posts, read 2,034,630 times
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It sounds like you are more accepting of yourself being single and not dating. If that is the case, then just be happy that is what you want.

If you ever go out on what you think is a date, just be upfront with it if the woman seems interested and asks you about a relationship. Quite honestly, I don't think most women would agree with your approach, but as long as you are not misleading anyone, it is your life, you choose what you want or not want.
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Old 11-18-2012, 07:55 PM
 
Location: Missouri, USA
4,278 posts, read 2,950,885 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by berkeleylake View Post
It sounds like you are more accepting of yourself being single and not dating. If that is the case, then just be happy that is what you want.

If you ever go out on what you think is a date, just be upfront with it if the woman seems interested and asks you about a relationship. Quite honestly, I don't think most women would agree with your approach, but as long as you are not misleading anyone, it is your life, you choose what you want or not want.
Thank you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by greatblueheron View Post
Experimental relationships? Hypotheses?

Hmm...it is really not that difficult. If you don't want a long term relationship, fine! If you do, date a person you really like, then go for it. Not sure? Then wait it out. These days are different than any that have come before...We don't need to label our relationships as such, don't need to follow along with what others do or think...or worry if we have ideas/needs that are different than others or that manifest themselves at times outside of "societal rules".

Now: crushes but no girlfriends, no kissing etc....assume that means no sex? At age 27?
You have no sexual desires for women? Or are you perhaps gay? Or no sexual desire at all?

Do YOU feel you have a problem of some kind? Just wondering...
I'm not gay. Sex drive dropped a lot after about age 22. It has always been oriented towards women.

Nah. I'm good. No problem.

Good advice...do what YOU want. I'll probably never understand anyone else on this planet anyway...after 27 years of trying. Energy is probably best spent on other activities anyway. Thanks.
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Old 11-19-2012, 05:29 AM
 
Location: Missouri, USA
4,278 posts, read 2,950,885 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by greatblueheron View Post
Experimental relationships? Hypotheses?

Hmm...it is really not that difficult. If you don't want a long term relationship, fine! If you do, date a person you really like, then go for it. Not sure? Then wait it out. These days are different than any that have come before...We don't need to label our relationships as such, don't need to follow along with what others do or think...or worry if we have ideas/needs that are different than others or that manifest themselves at times outside of "societal rules".

Now: crushes but no girlfriends, no kissing etc....assume that means no sex? At age 27?
You have no sexual desires for women? Or are you perhaps gay? Or no sexual desire at all?

Do YOU feel you have a problem of some kind? Just wondering...
Come to think of it there is a problem, but not with me, just with understanding others. I do things like, when my roommate broke up with his girlfriend and was shaking in his bed at night, not realize I should have said something to comfort him till about a month later.

The reason is, I'm good at ignoring my emotions, and then they go away. They don't build up. They're simply gone. When you imply having a strong sex drive would necessitate having a strong desire to have sex...that baffles my mind. I'm thinking Why not just ignore it, and it'll go away? I actually used to have an extremely strong sex drive, and maybe still do, but I learned to ignore it. I'm also pretty good at ignoring cold, heat, and sadness.

I think this results in two things: Thing one is that I'm about as sensitive to others' feelings as a two-by-four unless I memorize what society usually will feel in a situation. Thing two is that I think my curiosity level is higher than others relative to my other emotions, insofar as a guide for my goals. For example, I made another thread about going to a bonfire. I'd invited three women, and there was much concern from posters that they would become jealous of eachother and perhaps, throw me in the fire. I would see jealousy as something that could be ignored. Even if it wasn't ignored, everyone thought my goal was to sleep with them. That would be desirable, but the primary goal was merely to sit next to a bonfire, drunk, listening to music, with someone I knew, and that opportunity would be well worth the possibilty of them getting ticked off.

So...even what I want more than anything...I still don't know that it's at the level of just the daily things most others want, so I do a lot of trying to understand what others want, because what I want is stuff like...sitting in a tree stand for three hours at night, alone, listening to the cicadas.

Last edited by Clintone; 11-19-2012 at 05:38 AM..
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Old 11-21-2012, 05:08 PM
 
Location: In the sticks, SC
1,642 posts, read 4,513,172 times
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22 is mighty young for your sex drive to drop off. I'm not a doctor, but this sounds like Asperger's syndrome to me.
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Old 11-22-2012, 07:55 AM
 
Location: Missouri, USA
4,278 posts, read 2,950,885 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mongoslade223 View Post
22 is mighty young for your sex drive to drop off. I'm not a doctor, but this sounds like Asperger's syndrome to me.
I don't have Asperger's. I am perfectly normal, with the exception of a learning disability combined with an above average I.Q., formerly having Tourette's syndrome (or however you spell it), and formerly having a mild case of un-medicated social anxiety disorder, which I may still have but don't notice.

Okay, so perhaps that's not perfectly normal...but no Aspergers. I know a couple people who have Aspergers. That ain't it. Thanks anyway.
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Old 11-22-2012, 08:47 AM
 
Location: In the sticks, SC
1,642 posts, read 4,513,172 times
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No offense was meant.....I was not making a diagnosis. As long as you're not hurting anybody, do you.
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Old 11-22-2012, 10:46 AM
 
Location: Missouri, USA
4,278 posts, read 2,950,885 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mongoslade223 View Post
No offense was meant.....I was not making a diagnosis. As long as you're not hurting anybody, do you.
Nope.
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Old 11-24-2012, 09:46 AM
 
12,886 posts, read 15,364,776 times
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Clintone...it doesn't seem like your "sex drive" has dropped off at all....it sounds like your libido is still running in high gear..The fact that you enjoy and desire sex (but without any commitments) doesn't mean you have less desire than anyone else( nor are you abnormal)...One thing about being in a monogamous committed relationship Clintone is you can have fabulous sex frequently and whever you desire....also you don't have to worry about diseases, and all the experimenting you talk about, is waaaay fun ( and probably more likely to happen) with someone you really care about.
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