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Old 11-22-2012, 10:53 PM
 
Location: California / Maryland / Cape May
1,548 posts, read 3,026,406 times
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My surrogate parents recently passed away, but my birth parents that I'm not very close with (for reasons beyond me) are still alive.

If you make more money than your birth parents, do you give them gifts you can afford, or do you spend less so as not to make them feel bad as the parents for giving you a gift that costs less (does that make any sense?).

Basically, when I buy them gifts, I'm afraid that if the gift I give them costs more than the one they get me, I'm going to make them feel bad since they're the parents (albeit, not the ones that predominantly raised me).

I want to get them nice gifts, but I don't want to make them feel bad. I certainly don't care whether they get me a gift at all, I just want to be sure to not hurt their feelings with my gifts. Thoughts?
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Old 11-23-2012, 06:12 AM
 
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If you are thinking only of the price and not the quality of the thought of the gift then the spirit of Christmas is totally lost on you and you are better off not buying anything. Instead of just buying for the sake of buying think of something that would be more meaningful and the price will come later.
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Old 11-23-2012, 06:21 AM
 
Location: Oklahoma
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If you buy them something they need but cannot afford on their own, it will be appreciated. If you buy them some type of luxury item that is known for it's high price, but not needed, it may not be appreciated as much.
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Old 11-23-2012, 06:33 AM
 
Location: California / Maryland / Cape May
1,548 posts, read 3,026,406 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thursday007 View Post
If you are thinking only of the price and not the quality of the thought of the gift then the spirit of Christmas is totally lost on you and you are better off not buying anything. Instead of just buying for the sake of buying think of something that would be more meaningful and the price will come later.
I am not only thinking of the price, obviously, or I wouldn't be putting so much thought into this.

To be very honest, I hate to admit that it never crossed my mind until one parent made a comment in the past. I feel foolish for never thinking of it before she said something. I then felt bad that perhaps my gifts were possibly making her feel bad. She alluded to, but never outright said, that she feels she should give me the "better" gift (as she put it) because she's the parent. I don't want to ask her if that's how she feels (since she never outright said it, it was just an impression I got), because I know she won't tell me the truth so as not to hurt my feelings, but I also am not sure if I simply misunderstood her.

Then I got to thinking, maybe there is some unspoken rule of thumb that I don't know about. Hence, the question. I think if I have the means right now to give gifts I know they both need and would enjoy, it doesn't matter to me what they cost. I may not always be in this boat (goodness knows being laid off is always a possibility, though I doubt it would happen to me since we're doing well despite the recession), so why not spoil them while I can? Except for the fact that I now have the (possible wrong?) impression that it may make them/her feel bad for not being able to give me more. It doesn't bother me one bit (I'm actually not big on receiving gifts, but love giving them), but I need to keep in mind that it may bother them.

I suppose I can relate on a small level because one relative that has money out of the ears always gives absurdly expensive gifts. I always get him a gift, but he realizes I don't make anywhere near what he does, but I think that relationship is different, since he's the elder.

In this situation with the birth parents, they are the elders, and they are the parents, so I do need to be mindful of how my gifts make them feel. I call that being thoughtful, not caring about the price. If I cared about the price, I wouldn't spend so much on them on things I know for sure that they need.

I don't yet have children, so I've never looked at it from the perspective of a parent before. That's what I'm trying to do now.
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Old 11-23-2012, 06:40 AM
 
Location: California / Maryland / Cape May
1,548 posts, read 3,026,406 times
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Originally Posted by aquietpath View Post
If you buy them something they need but cannot afford on their own, it will be appreciated. If you buy them some type of luxury item that is known for it's high price, but not needed, it may not be appreciated as much.
Agreed. Unlike other parts of my family, I was raised in a very practical household.
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Old 11-23-2012, 07:34 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
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OP, my advice would be to just buy them something that they need, or something personal that you know they will absolutely love, and if they make some sort of comment again about the price of the gifts exchanged, just tell them that you don't even CONSIDER that as part of the equation - that in fact, you don't care whether you get a gift or not at all, but that instead you just love the thought and consideration and personal touch of giving. Maybe you can come up with an example, such as a homemade gift that a child has given you in the past, or some thoughtful gesture in the past that means more to you than any material thing.

Or maybe you could MAKE something for them instead of buying something this year - sort of alternating expensive gifts with very personal gifts so that they don't expect something expensive every year.

And no, there's no set rule about parents giving kids better gifts than vice versa. My dad bought his mother a CAR one year - and then one year bought her a robe. Hey - she needed a car one year - and she needed a robe one year. By the way, she always bought him pajamas - and he doesn't even wear pajamas, and never has!
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Old 11-23-2012, 09:02 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 25,056,304 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
OP, my advice would be to just buy them something that they need, or something personal that you know they will absolutely love, and if they make some sort of comment again about the price of the gifts exchanged, just tell them that you don't even CONSIDER that as part of the equation - that in fact, you don't care whether you get a gift or not at all, but that instead you just love the thought and consideration and personal touch of giving. Maybe you can come up with an example, such as a homemade gift that a child has given you in the past, or some thoughtful gesture in the past that means more to you than any material thing.

Or maybe you could MAKE something for them instead of buying something this year - sort of alternating expensive gifts with very personal gifts so that they don't expect something expensive every year.

And no, there's no set rule about parents giving kids better gifts than vice versa. My dad bought his mother a CAR one year - and then one year bought her a robe. Hey - she needed a car one year - and she needed a robe one year. By the way, she always bought him pajamas - and he doesn't even wear pajamas, and never has!
That is the best advice - buy them what they need/want.

That is also funny about the pajamas for her son. Maybe she always felt that he should wear pajamas to bed!
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Old 11-23-2012, 09:12 AM
 
Location: California / Maryland / Cape May
1,548 posts, read 3,026,406 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon View Post
OP, my advice would be to just buy them something that they need, or something personal that you know they will absolutely love, and if they make some sort of comment again about the price of the gifts exchanged, just tell them that you don't even CONSIDER that as part of the equation - that in fact, you don't care whether you get a gift or not at all, but that instead you just love the thought and consideration and personal touch of giving. Maybe you can come up with an example, such as a homemade gift that a child has given you in the past, or some thoughtful gesture in the past that means more to you than any material thing.

Or maybe you could MAKE something for them instead of buying something this year - sort of alternating expensive gifts with very personal gifts so that they don't expect something expensive every year.

And no, there's no set rule about parents giving kids better gifts than vice versa. My dad bought his mother a CAR one year - and then one year bought her a robe. Hey - she needed a car one year - and she needed a robe one year. By the way, she always bought him pajamas - and he doesn't even wear pajamas, and never has!
I love this idea! Fabulous advice! Thanks!!! That is truly how I feel, and is actually the reason I dislike receiving gifts. If someone insists on spending money on me, I'd rather them spend that money doing something with me, donating to a charity in my honor, etc. My favorite treasures are the memories and homemade gifts and gestures, that come year round, not just at holidays.

That was the other thing that always concerned me: keeping up with the gift I gave last year for fear they'd think something was wrong when this year's gift wasn't as nice as last year's. Something I'd also never thought of until a close cousin complained to me about a gift she received from another relative not being on the same level as past year's gift from the same person. I was like, really?! Perhaps they lost their job, have tons of medical expenses, etc. I would never assume ill feelings because the price tag of a gift goes down (what kind of world are we living in?). I think people read far too much into gifts and make it more stressful than it needs to be.

I have a friend (friend A) that's the same way: says another friend (friend B( never gives as good of gifts as she receives from friend A. Really?! That friend B also makes 1/4 of what friend A does. Hello! I pointed this out to friend A, yet she doesn't care and still thinks friend B should give an equal gift! Honestly. Makes me not want to buy anyone a gift if they're going to be that trivial. :\

I love your car / robe story, though. And the pajamas are hilarious!
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Old 11-23-2012, 07:25 PM
LLN
 
Location: Upstairs closet
5,265 posts, read 10,694,982 times
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I don't want to be harsh, but to even dream that question up indicates you need a course in Christmas 101. Price should be the absolute last criteria when thinking of presents. Get them something they will cherish.
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Old 11-23-2012, 07:34 PM
 
Location: California / Maryland / Cape May
1,548 posts, read 3,026,406 times
Reputation: 1242
Quote:
Originally Posted by LLN View Post
I don't want to be harsh, but to even dream that question up indicates you need a course in Christmas 101. Price should be the absolute last criteria when thinking of presents. Get them something they will cherish.
You clearly didn't read my other posts in this thread. *I* don't have a problem with it; my birth mother seems to possibly have a problem with it.

To be considerate of someone else's feelings is not only in the spirit of Christmas, it's in the spirit of my day-to-day life.
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