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Did you miss this part of information in the original post?
She has done this before. In those cases, she and her husband DID give gifts to OTHER adults: her husband's family and some of their personal friends.
This email was not sent to anyone in her husband's family, nor to any of their friends.
I was upset because my sister does not do this with ALL adults. If it was "only gifts for children" across the board I would not have had a problem with it.
She also gives the gifts to the adults she "buys for" right in front of those she "does not buy for."
What would you do if you were in this situation:
Sister gives Xmas gifts to other adults right in front of us when she had previously made a supposed "moratorium" on giving gifts to adults.
How would you feel? Why? What would you do?
I don't even get a freakn birthday card or a christmas dinner so I'm sure I would feel just fine.
One less unwanted, unchosen item has been spared from re-gifting the next year.
I would do absolutely nothing but be grateful my loved ones were all around me, in one piece.
"I want to let everyone know in advance that I am only giving gifts to children this year. Please do not get anything for [her husband] or myself."
Sunny, I interpret the above to mean for eveyone not to buy gifts for sis and her husband ONLY. You and everyone else can still exchange with each other.
Thank you for your comment. So can I assume if it happened to you it would not bother you at all?
It could very well bother me. Is this thread about whether or not you have a right to be bothered? Yes, you do.
Or is it about whether of not your sister has a right to adjust her boundaries? Yes, she does.
OPs sister is hosting a Christmas gathering that includes both sides of the families (the sister's and the sister's husband). Only the husband's side of the family will be receiving gifts at this gathering.
They make a big show of one-by-one his side of the family opening their gifts while everyone sits around and oohs and aahs. While the sister's side of the family sits there with hurt feelings because they were not similary treated. (and by the way, I imagine the husband's side must feel a little awkward by this show)
OP is concerned about her mother's feelings of being left out. OP does want something - she wants some consideration from her sister and BIL about their feelings. If sister and BIL want to do an exchange with his side only - fine, but don't put on a big show in front of those who are not included.
I don't blame her. It's tacky and excluding to do a gift exchange this way.
What a great summary!
Hmmm, lets pretend it IS children getting gifts at this Christmas Party.
Grandparents only giving gifts to their BIOLOGICAL grandchildren in front of their ADOPTED and STEP grandchildren as well. OR maybe only giving gifts to the "racially pure" grandchildren and nieces and nephews while the bi-racial children are forced to sit and watch.
Or maybe a relative "married out of the faith" and their "heathen" children have to watch the children of "pure faith" getting gifts at the big family party. Or only boy children get gifts and the "second-class citizen" girl children do not get any.
Or only the children with blue eyes get gifts and if you have green or brown eyes you just get to watch everyone ooh and ahh over the wonderful toys that the blue eyed cousins are receiving. and so on.
Are these examples right or fair or social appropriate? Of course not. The whole point is still the same.
Don't give gifts to one group (husband's relatives & friends of the wife or husband) in front of anothergroup (wife's relatives) that is being excluded. This is especially true when you make a huge big production of it with everyone watching individual gifts being opened.
Even if the sister can afford to buy gifts for everyone, can they all afford to do it? That is another consideration. One year, the kids and spouses drew for who to give a gift and the kids all got one. The kids didn't need fancy ones if you couldn't afford it since they were little. But this meant that those who didn't really have the wherewithall to buy a lot of adult gifts didn't have to feel bad about it.
Worked out fine. The kids got cheap stuff and expensive stuff and didn't know the difference and nobody felt left out.
Personally if someone wants to know what I want I refer them to my Amazon wish list. Lots of choices at lots of prices.
No one can tell you how to feel. But perhaps your sister believes that she doesn't have to BUY the love and acceptance of those of her adult family members and only does that to outsiders . Maybe she feels that you all are stuck with each other no matter what. If that is the case consider yourself lucky rather than left out.
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Thank you for posting your thoughts. I am happy to hear different points of view, especially the non-abusive ones.
Sunny, I interpret the above to mean for eveyone not to buy gifts for sis and her husband ONLY. You and everyone else can still exchange with each other.
Yes that is how I interpreted it also. TY for posting.
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